Family Stays Mad At ME

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Tiredof33, Oct 27, 2016.

  1. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I am a people please, I admit that. Most enablers are, we have a problem saying no, even when we really do not want to do what we are being asked to do. It's easier for us to just say yes than face the wrath of family and friends when we say no.

    Coming to understand enabling behaviors and setting boundaries (and holding the boundary line securely in place) has also affected the way I interact with family member other than my child.

    In the past I was the go to person for all family matters when they needed money. Currently, a close family member has leukemia and I gave generously.

    Now that my senior mother and father can no longer scrub the home I asked family members (I have a large family) to help with the expenses of having some one come in for the heavy cleaning twice a month. Everyone refused but one sister, they have no money. So we are paying for it.

    This week I was contacted for money for a surprise birthday party for the family member with leukemia before she goes in the hospital for the bone marrow transplant the next week.

    I said no. Family member cursed me, hung up the phone.

    For two reasons, she just had chemo last week so her immune system is not strong and I do not want her to be subjected to people coming in with cold and the flu virus. She will have strong chemo next week before the bone marrow transplant. They had to wait for her heart to heal from functioning at 35% to 66% before the transplant. So, I think the party is fool hardy.

    Second, why do they now have money for a party when they couldn't help with other expenses? There will also be many expenses for this family member to complete her treatment. This treatment may be a year long. I will help pay these.

    It's the same around the holidays, it gets expensive and they have grown accustom to me handy over money each year. We have too many adult nieces and nephews that aren't helping out, say they have no money, yet they go on vacation twice a years and eat out often.

    I am fed up with buying gifts and providing money for baby and wedding showers when they can't bother to contact me the rest of the year. I literally only hear from them when they want money for some project.

    The family is the same as the entitled children, when you start saying no they get mad. So, I am not included much any more, may be it's time to find a new family lol. I'm tired of being used by this one.

    (((hugs and blessings)))
     
  2. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    Hi Tired of...you are so right about most of us being people pleasers. We want to make people happy and we think that saying yes makes people happy so we are Yes-People! Until we aren't anymore.

    I think we teach other people how to treat us, most of the time. If we're known as the go-to person for extra funds, that is who we become in their minds and probably in reality.

    I also think people have a right to give/not give to what they want to, and to make their own decisions about what they will be involved with or not. That goes for you and for your family both.

    If they want to have a party, well, it may be foolhardy, but okay.

    If you want to say no to helping, that's okay too.

    But when we start doing something new or different....people don't like it. They want us to "stay in our box." You're now doing something different. You have changed. They probably haven't.

    So, there is going to be pushback for a while until they learn that you are a brand new person when it comes to these types of things.

    One thing I learned in Al-Anon that proved to be very helpful in situations like these: Say what you mean,but don't say it mean.

    I think stating something firmly, quietly and kindly usually blows the mind of most people. There is nowhere for them to go with this. They may not like what we said, but they have to deal with THAT, instead of how we said it. Many times, when I said No to Difficult Child, I would get upset and then that would the focus. Saying something difficult clearly, directly, but quietly and calmly, isn't what people are used to.

    Let them have their party. You don't have to be a part of it this time. That's okay.

    Keep on being the new person that you are. Families tend to take each other for granted but they still love each other. They will come around in time. Hang in there. We're here for you.
     
  3. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I agree, my family does not like change. When I asked each one to help with mother's cleaning and they said no, I simply said thanks and did not make a fuss. I really would like the same respect with my decisions on where to spend my money.

    My daughter also has cancer so money is getting a little tight!
     
  4. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    It's going to take time...when you get requests, just say, I'd love to, but I am paying for my parents house hold help, donating towards a relatives leukemia treatments, and helping my daughter thru her cancer treatment. I wish I could afford to participate in XYZ but I just can't at this time. Then stop making excuses or feeling guilty.

    A person can only do so much...and you have reached your limit...financially and emotionally. Hang in there!!

    KSM
     
  5. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Prayers for your Mom, daughter and You!

    It amazes me...usually those with the least amount of money are the most generous. But, help can come in other forms.

    Xmas with adults can be funny..we stopped with extended family, because all we didn't d was trade gift cards around...just keep your money! I would much rather get a card and know how your doing!

    Stay strong...there is so much more important things than money...hugs
     
  6. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    My step-dad has a brother that did well for himself, and all of his extended family would continually ask for money.

    I don't know if he cut everyone off, but I know he cut my step-siblings off years ago. They were angry when it finally happened.

    They had grown so accustomed to getting free money from the Bank of Uncle S that they felt it was in some way due to them. They seemed to think that he had a never-ending supply of money and that they were entitled to some of it.

    He, of course, was tired of being used as everyone's ATM, but they didn't seem to get that.

    Sad thing is, his adult daughter is fighting a battle with a very deadly type of cancer, and the relatives are nowhere to be found.

    If you have everyone on social media, you might think about putting out something saying that because of your daughter's and other relative's battles with illness, you are going to need to reserve any extra money you have to help them directly with their treatments, and won't be participating in any extra gift giving foreseeable future.