Fed up and guilt ridden

Discussion in 'Failure to Thrive' started by Fedupmom52, Mar 30, 2019.

  1. Fedupmom52

    Fedupmom52 New Member

    Hi,
    I am new to the site and need to vent cause I feel like I am losing it. My adult child has lived with me for most of his life, he has been out with a girlfriend for a year or 2 but is always back. My adult son works but pays no rent and is broke a day after payday and cant explain why. I told him over a year ago that I wanted him to move out and get his own place but he never would, a few months ago I decided I was going to move so I told him that he has 2 months and then he has to go because I was moving. He didn't look for a place until a week ago and he was denied an apt because of evictions he has in the past. My son is now very angry and accusing me of not caring that he will be homeless and living in his car (a car I bought). I have tried everything I can to help him short of renting a place for him which I can not afford. My son has Bi Polar and gets very angry so easily and is very rarely in a good mood. I feel like it drains the life out of me to deal with him. I just keep saying to myself that a mom should not have to keep raising a 32 yr old man. Whenever I think about my moving day which is in 10 days I get so stressed because I know he will make it miserable for me the whole time.
     
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Dear Fedupmom: Any mother would feel as you do in the situation you find yourself.

    This has been going on a long time, that he has avoided taking responsibility for himself and depended upon you:

    The pattern seems to be that he blames you:

    And then when he blames you, you blame yourself:
    It seems that this time it is even worse because you have decided that you have needs: the need to not be the butt of his frustration and moods; to not have to continue to raise a 33 year old man; the need to not be financially responsible for him; to not have to pick up the slack when he's out of money a day after he's paid.

    It seems that you are not only used by him, and his target, you go after yourself too, if you stand up for yourself and seek to make your life better, and to get a little respite.

    Your son works. He gets jobs. He gets girlfriends. He has a mother who loves him. These are all huge pluses. Not everybody has these assets and advantages. What your son does not seem to have is the incentive to get treatment, whether a 12 step group or a psychiatrist, to learn how to budget, to stop using drugs or doing some other self-destructive thing with his money. How else could he have none left after 24 hours being paid?

    The only incentive he has for learning self-care, and meeting responsibilities, is to suffer a little bit. It is not that we want them to suffer. But there is no incentive to change, if everything is taken care of and done for you. Your way has not worked, the Mom way, where we pick up the slack and say yes, yes, yes, to all things.

    For mentally ill people there are all kinds of services available, to those with the motivation and the incentive to seek them out. By your actions now, you are helping your son to accept responsibility for his own life, and to live it well, if he chooses. Whether or not he chooses well, is completely out of your hands.

    Welcome. You will find a great deal of support here. We all of us understand. This is hard, but not impossible. We are learning, too, how to stand on our two feet. It's time to let your son stand on his two feet, too. He may not like it, but he must.
     
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2019
  3. Heartbroken mom

    Heartbroken mom New Member

    Have the same thing going on and my son is 43
    Blames me for his lack of self of care
    Refuses to get treatment was on medication that helped but stopped now spiraling down again
    Is working finally but can’t manage money and constantly asking me to give him money
    if I don’t then hear the litany
    Well I finally have had enough
    Have given loved and listened to really no avail
    I now choose my peace and sanity
    Blocked his calls so I can have peace
    He can survive and like all of us his thriving is his choice
    His failure to launch or thrive is not my failure as a parent as he would like to believe
    It is because of his choices and lack of action
    I have learned the only way he takes any action is when he has too
    As hard as it has been I finally let go of taking on the blame
    It leaves me free of suffering what is actually his suffering that is to wake him up to his own action and capability
    Love is not being an enabler
    Love is not being used and abused
    Thanks for this post
    It makes a hard road clear
     
  4. Fedupmom52

    Fedupmom52 New Member

     
  5. Fedupmom52

    Fedupmom52 New Member

    Thank you so much for the kind words I really needed to hear. I am going to let him fend for himself and finally have my life without all his drama, I know it wont be easy but I feel its for the best for both of us. I'm sure I am still going to feel guilt because he will do his best to make sure I do but I am going to try to keep moving forward. I am so glad I found this site it has helped me so much.
     
  6. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    This site has been a god send for me as well but i also reccomend you seek counceling to keep you from giving in. My circumstances are very similar my son is bipolar and 37. It has taken me much too long to stop enabling . please use this move to create your own sanctuary you need to have a place where you can relax and feel safe. I know this sounds harsh but don't let him visit you there because he will extend the visit and you will lose your sanctuary. Be kind to yourself. My councelor told me and it is true when they need to be they are very resourceful. He has to learn that if his behavior doesn't change his life won't improve and he has to do it on his own. Good luck!