Feeling Helpless

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Hunterfied, Nov 22, 2017.

  1. Hunterfied

    Hunterfied New Member

    Hello, I’ve never been on anything like this before. I have two sons. 17 and almost 19. I haven’t had any trouble with the younger one. But my oldest has had issues for years. He has a food addiction. Which has been something I’ve dealt with. Sent him to therapy when he was younger. Nothing helped. Now he has began smoking pot this last year. He has a part time job which is basically funding his pot. He pays no rent, I pay for his phone. The only things he pays for is gas and insurance on a car that my husband and I let him drive to and from work and school. He goes to community college and I would say that he barely goes. I’m not sure if he has been dropped from classes or not. He lies constantly. He eats constantly and takes what he wants even when he is told or asked not to. It’s huge amounts of food not just a couple of things here or there. He has a weight problem from it. He has brought weed into my house multiple times and continues to do so. My husband is done. I’m done. It is a constant stress. He lies and will not follow the rules. I can’t believe anything he says and I can’t trust him. I’ve told him that the car is done. He has to figure out his own way to work and school. I’ve taken away his computer and phone. There is a lot more than all of this as well. I don’t want to put my kid on the streets. But I’m not sure how much more that my marriage or I can take. Any insight or thoughts on how to handle a situation like this? Thank you
  2. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I sorry for your challenges you are facing. This is not an easy situation for any of us.

    This is a welcoming non judgemental place to be. Happy you found us but sad you need to be here just the same.

    There are resources and support groups that can help. Many of us attend group and private counseling. NAMI May be a good support for you or Naranon.

    When I came here I was lost and had very few skills in my tool box to deal with my son. Since I have been here I have learned to detach with love and stop enabling my son. I am wise enough to know that this is the only way my son will ever have a chance to recover.

    Welcome and keep posting. It may be quiet here over the holidays. People will respond.
  3. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Your house/your rules.

    I did put my daughter out of the house at 19 for drug use and drug use in my house. To our shock, she got a job, went to college on her dime, and got her life together. This isnt always the outcome, but our adult kids dont improve if we pity them and make life easy.

    Nothing changes if nothing changes. Since they are perfectly happy in our cushy homes and have no real motivation to grow up, it is usually we as the sad parents who must change the rules and get tough, in ways we would rather not, to get our failure to thrive adult kids to stand on their own two feet. They cant believe we will rescue, support them financially, give them free housing and let them do whatever thrybwantb in our homes or they will gladly do things the easy way. They need adult consequences that affect their cozy lives.

    Getting tough when daughter was young about killed me, but it saved her. The older they get not working, drpendent on unmotivating pot and living with us like a child, the more ingrained the pattern becomes. You dont want him in your basement smoking pot and not working at 30, I am sure. in my opinion the time to push is now, when he is still young and his brain is flexible. He hasnt been like this for ten years...it is easier for him to change NOW.

    Now, although most do try when their adult kids are young, some dont. I think those that waited have worse results from what I read here.

    Nobody will say it is easy. It is hard on our hearts to set boundaries and rules and to stick to them. You can maybe start with Son must work and pay rent, which you can save for him and give back to him later. You can set a time limit such as six weeks or three months for him to be doing these basic things.

    If he fails to do this then you have a meeting and spell out further consequences that can lead to his needing to leave. There are shelters, food pantries and he can apply for Medicaid and a food card.

    This is just an example of what some of us do to try to get our kids to grow up. You have to work with what is comfortable for you though. Time gives us courage.

    Do keep coming back. We are a supportive community. We care and want to help.
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  4. Hunterfied

    Hunterfied New Member

    Thank you for your advise. I’m glad that your daughter is doing good now. I know that is what I need to do as well. It’s hard with other family that don’t agree and may take him in as well. I wish none of us had to go through this. Thanks again
  5. Hunterfied

    Hunterfied New Member

    Thank you for the support and suggestion, I appreciate it.
  6. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    If other family takes him in, he is then their
    problem. They are likely to also get tired of his antics and also show him the door. This your decision. It isnt up to your parents, your cousins, or anyone but you. Too bad if they dont like it.
  7. Hunterfied

    Hunterfied New Member

    Very true! It’s a grandparent and they are 76 & 80 I have told them I don’t want them to do that because I fear that the stress will cause health issues. She thinks maybe he will respect their rules more. I know that he won’t but if she wants to try it’s on her.
  8. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Yes. It wont last long. He isnt going to listen to anybodys rules.
    Your grandparents probably wont keep him long. But this is their decision.
  9. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Welcome, sorry you are here but I am glad you have found this site. It has given me much needed strength when there is nothing left.

    We put our son out at 17years old. Family took him in, both sets of grandparents and both got rid of him too. Friends families took him in and they did the same before he ended up homeless. The council housed him in a homeless hostel and that seems to be the turning point. They did throw him out also for not paying rent but he was ready to leave. He got a job and is now in a house share. It is by far not perfect but it does seem the only way and no one can deny as SWOT says, it is so very painful. You will do the right thing in your own time. Hugs xx
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  10. Hunterfied

    Hunterfied New Member

    Thank you so much, I’m glad that your son is doing better!
  11. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hunterfied, welcome. I'm sorry you're going thru this with your son. As you can see, you're not alone, we understand how difficult this is.

    You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. Another resource you might try are 12 step groups. Many here find solace at Families Anonymous, Al Anon, Narc Anon or CoDa.

    A good book resource is Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie.

    Many of us choose to find a therapist to help us navigate this terrain with our troubled kids.....it is extremely challenging and many of us need that professional support. If you choose that route, here are 2 places to check into......the Psychology Today website and goodtherapy.org. You can look up therapists in your area. Support groups are helpful as well.

    It is very hard to put our kids out of our homes. If you read the stories here, you will see the anguish and the deep sorrow and fear that creates. However, many of our kids push us into that stance by their poor choices, negative actions, disrespect to us, manipulations, lying, stealing, etc. Your home is your sanctuary and if your son cannot abide by your rules and be respectful, then you are at a choice point. There are shelters in most cities and towns, you can google that for your area. There are food banks as well.

    Your son is dragging you and your family thru his bad choices....you're on the hamster wheel without a choice. It is your home, your rules. it may be time for him to suffer the consequences of his behavior. Hanging out at your home, eating, lying, being lazy and disrespectful is not real life......you're prolonging his inability to launch by providing him with all of his needs met.....he has no incentive to change. Most of our kids don't have that incentive, which is why it becomes imperative that WE CHANGE. We need to respond differently. To that end, most of us require a lot of support.

    Hang in there, get yourself some support, keep posting, set strong boundaries around your son's behaviors and most importantly take care of yourself, put yourself as the priority, focus on your needs and desires. Your son is a grown man, young men his age are fighting for their country.......it sure sounds like it's time for your son to "man up."
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  12. Hunterfied

    Hunterfied New Member

    Thank you so much, I appreciate all of the resources and support!
  13. Hunterfied

    Hunterfied New Member

    Thank you for the advice and support!
  14. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Welcome Hunterfied, I am sorry for your need to be here. It is a good place to sort this stuff out.
    Not an easy road with defiant d cs in our homes, doing what they want.
    You have received some really good advice from our fellow warriors here.

    One simple, simple thing I have to add.
    It helped me.
    A lot.
    It’s this fact........

    are not putting your son out, he is putting himself out, by his actions.
    He won’t follow house rules.
    No mas.

    Here is another motivator that helped me switch focus.

    My younger son was literally on the sidelines.
    Oh, I did things for him and with him, but the crazy drama and tension at home was too much for him to bear as well.
    He’s a good kid, so he didn’t complain.
    He just didn’t want to be home.
    It wasn’t his sanctuary anymore.

    That wasn’t fair to him.

    It was a big eye opener for me when all h e double l broke loose one day with his older sister, he was so frustrated and tired of it, living like this, he broke down and cried, big body jarring sobs.
    He was 14.
    It was awful.

    I realized that what he was releasing then was happening inside of me too.
    How unhealthy my household had become with all of the drama and crazy.
    My two would come through that revolving door like a big old dark cloud and the storm just kept brewing and brewing.

    When I first faced this with my younger son, I felt as if I had to choose between my kids, my grandkids.
    But, I understand now, that it is my responsibility to ensure that my son has a safe, secure home.
    For him.
    He is a minor and still under my care.

    That trickled over to understanding that I deserved a peaceful home as well.

    So, Hunterfied, you have a lot to consider.
    It is hard, I know to “put your kid on the streets.”
    But, he is of an age of responsibility for his own care. If his job is basically funding his pot use, so is his living in your home, eating your food. He doesn’t have to support himself, so he supports his bad habit.

    It took me a while to realize that my two would live with me for the convenience. It was easy for them. They continued on with their horrible choices, cared not about contributing to the home, came and went as they wished, ( yup, we didn’t have any control over that) and used us.
    That was a super yucky awful crazy thing.
    Still, we were stuck not wanting to “put them out” and at the same time desperate for some peace at home.
    They weren’t going to change, so we had to.
    We are not rugs to be tread upon.
    We are their parents.
    They are not helpless.
    They want to appear that way, so we keep trying to help them.
    What we were really doing, was clipping their wings.
    Taking away their responsibilities and consequences of their choices.
    Housing adult children who were unappreciative and felt entitled.
    Ugh, what a mess.
    So, out they went.
    It wasn’t easy.
    Took a lot of posting here and building my toolbox.
    My son is now 16 and stays home a lot more. We have a great relationship. I take my cues from him regarding his siblings. He has a more rational perspective than my oft times bleeding mothers heart.
    “Mom, they are adults and they are making horrible choices, it’s on them.”
    I am hoping that he will continue on the right path.
    If he doesn’t it is on him.

    This pretty much says it all. I am glad you are on the same page. Being done doesn’t mean you don’t love him, just not going to put up with anymore shenanigans.
    Actually, you are loving him more by saying that it’s enough. Time to move on with your life son.
    I’ve had to do this several times with my two.
    The revolving door has shut.
    They need to figure it out.
    They don’t do it in my home.
    They just stagnate and make everyone else miserable along with them.
    Not good for them, or us.

    Oh boy have I gone on and on.

    Sorry for the vent and long post. I so remember being right where you are, feeling helpless, my broken heart fighting with my head. I knew what was happening in my home with my two was so many shades of wrong, just couldn’t figure out how to move forward.
    You will figure it out Hunterfied, you’ve already taken the first step sharing your story here.
    Please remember you matter. You have worth.
    Be very kind to yourself.
    Keep posting, it helps.
    You are not alone.
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  15. Hunterfied

    Hunterfied New Member

    You took the words out of my mouth. What you said is exactly how I feel. My home is not our sanctuary any longer and that is really a hard thing. Thank you so much for your insight, I really appreciate it. I’m glad that your youngest is doing well. That was also a fear of mine that the older one would influence the younger. And that by me not reacting that it would set the tone for him as well. I think he will be ok he said the same as your son about his brother. That it’s on him. It make me feel better that I know I did ok with at least one kid! Thank you again.
  16. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I’m sure you did okay with your eldest Hunter.
    They are just different people.
    We all did our best with our kids.
    It’s not our fault.
    There is no such thing as perfect parenting.
    They just grow up and make choices.
    Some figure out their potential sooner than others.
    The thing is, they need to take responsibility for their choices.
    Not put it on us.
    We end up going through all sorts of grieving watching them struggle, trying to keep them from falling.
    We end up shouldering their burden, without even realizing it. It’s a gradual thing. Adds up.
    It becomes too much for everyone.
    Even them.
    I think they start to resent themselves and us.
    They feel stuck too.
    You are not helpless, Hunter, you are a mom who loves her son and wants the best for him.
    He also has to want that for himself.
    It is a tough place to be, I know.
    You will figure it out in due time.
    In the meantime, keep posting and be very kind to yourself. Learning how to care for ourselves again is an important step in showing our d cs how to do just that. We moms tend to give all of our time to our kids. It is hard to make decisions when we are stressed and down, feeling helpless. What it really is, is that we begin to recognize that we have no control over our adult d cs choices.
    They will do what they want.
    It is not that you are helpless, you are seeing that you have tried everything in your power to try to fix what’s going on with your son. It’s not working. Because he will do what he wants to do.
    It is a kind of quagmire, but really not, because you are learning that the only control you have is over yourself, in this situation.
    Take some steps to work on you, to find time for yourself to relax and refresh. Go to a movie, go out with your husband. Or simply have a cup of tea or a nice warm bath.
    Empower yourself with some reading, the detachment article on the PE forum is great.
    Little things that help build us up and shift focus to what is in our control, ourselves, help us become stronger and able to make good decisions.
    Self care is not selfish.
    It is what we want for our d cs, that they learn how to care for themselves.
    One day, one step at a time.
    You got this Hunterfied.
    And you are not alone.