feeling low - I know you all will understand...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by agee, Dec 16, 2009.

  1. agee

    agee Guest

    I volunteered in my son's classroom today and I spent some time with some of the other kids and since then I've been overcome with feelings of sadness and jealousy of their parents. One little boy in particular really struck me - he was so sweet and normal - talkative, smart, and anxious to please. With the exception of the smart part, which my difficult child certainly is, he was the opposite of my child.
    I'm just bummed. When we adopted my son this was obviously not what we wanted. I think I'm having residual pain from my miscarriages right now plus years of sadness.
    Doesn't help that we're going through medication changes and my son was literally rolling on the floor of his classroom while the other kids were doing their project.
    I know some of you all have been where I am right now. No need to reply. I just needed to tell someone who isn't my husband.
  2. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I'm sorry today was a tough day for you. I don't think any of us who parent difficult children have not had those painful molments. Given the challenges that your difficult child is going through with medication changes, and the close quarters you had with some typical kids today, it's understandable that the differences were glaring.

    When your son goes to sleep tonight, go in his room and look at his face as he is sleeping. At his young age you know in your heart that he would not choose to act the way he does if given the choice. He would rather make you happy than sad or angry. He would rather hear "that's great" than "stop that".

    Sometimes we need to stop and realize that there are things our difficult children deal with that either they can't handle yet or they can't help. That's not to say that applies to everything, but I couldn't imagine dealing day to day with what some of the children of members here deal with.

    Always feel you can come here and express your feelings or share your thoughts. There is nothing that you have or will feel that some here have not felt in past. The great thing about coming here is that we understand. We've been there.


  3. whatamess

    whatamess New Member

    It is so hard, I took to retreating to my safe home with my difficult child. Even the people who are supposed to understand this stuff(teachers) are judgemental.
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Many hugs. I do understand.
  5. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    If it's any consolation, easy child at 7 was the kid rolling around on the floor not paying attention. It was so bad that the school held her back and put her in a lower grade the following year, against my insistence. easy child now confimrs that I was right - she was behaving this way out of sheer boredom. Pulling her out of the high achiever group only made the problem worse. We transferred her to another school a couple of years later and she just took off academically. Maybe she also has a touch of ADHD in her, but she was never going to be the quiet achiever. She's a loudmouth activist, like her mother.

  6. SophiaMaria

    SophiaMaria New Member

    You are not alone feeling this way, and it's been a help to me to read this right now because i've felt this way before too when i've had to go to the school or events for difficult child. And i felt awful thinking this.

    Hopefully there will be better moments!
  7. idohope

    idohope Member

    Hugs, we do understand. I hope telling us makes you feel a little better.
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Gentle hugs. You are definitely not alone in this.
  9. ML

    ML Guest

    I totally get it, we all do. I try to switch it around to gratitude whenever possible. There were many years I wasn't sure I would get to be a mom. I had to let go of a lot of unrealistic expectations about the experience. And now, when I feel those twinges of loss and grief for those dreams I force myself to see the great things "about Holland". Hugs of understanding and love. ML
  10. My heart goes out to you. I recently spent a week with a friend with a completely normal child and she had the nerve to complain about lack of focus in her studies or something because she got a low B in an AP class. I wanted to punch my friend in the face and steal her child, LOL.

    The jealousy/envy is SO painful. Especially when you wanted SO MUCH to be a parent and it's just not quite what we expected/hoped for/dreamed of :(. Other people are living our dream.

    I wish I had good advice! Instead I'll just sit in the corner and cry with you.
  11. pepperidge

    pepperidge New Member

    I totally get it. I have at least one kid with Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) --which manifests itself largely as ADHD. He's almost 13 now and we are having more success after trialing about 15 medications.

    I didn't make a conscious choice to adopt a child with difficulties--I didn't think I would be a good enough mom. And I am probably not. But here I am anyway.

    I have found it has gotten easier as time as gone on to not regret the more "normal" life other parents have. Perhaps it is because things are a bit easier now with my children now that they have made some developmental progress.

    And yes there is grief--of not being able to have one's biological child who would have been perfect of course and all the emotional roller coaster of trying to conceive, miscarriages, etc, and then the difficulties of adopting, and then adopting children who have come with problems that were not anticipated.

    And just when you are getting beyond your own grief , your children start breaking your heart on a regular basis with their recognition of how much more difficult their life is than many of their peers.

    I have found this board to be very helpful--virtually no one out there really understands unless you are likely to find some friends going through similar things.

    I think one of the things that is hard is that we mothers are the focus of much of the oppositional behavior. It would be one thing if they had problems (certain kinds of physical difficulties maybe) that didn't come with all the emotional baggage our kids come with and create. Sometimes in those bad moments I think to myself, why did I chose this. Mothers aren't supposed to think that, much less admit to it.

    There are people who will use the analogy that have a challenging child is like taking a vacation in a different country than the one you ended up in--say Holland instead of France. I have to say I felt a strong sense of kinship with the mother who wrote in and said, Holland would have been fine, but I ended up in Beirut.

    Maybe you just keep your sense of humor the best you can, channel the grief into becoming a fierce advocate for your child, and savor those few moments when motherhood was what you thought it would be long before you ever had children.

    Sorry, I guess I am feeling low too. But I have to say, it is better now than it was--for the moment we see glimmers of progress and stability instead of just dark nights of wondering how we were going to survive ten more years of child raising with sanity intact.

    Not having the perfect child frees you to live your own life, instead of living your life through your chlid. It is liberating in its own way.

    Many hugs.
  12. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Yes ~ I've had those moments; it was in our neighborhood versus school. The tweedles, from the day they were placed with us were in special education.

    I love what pepperidge said - take those moments of anger & use them as an advocate for your children. I know, looking at the big picture, I've done the same. If I hadn't I'd probably still be calling the posse' in to take out bio mom.

    The grief comes & goes in waves; our difficult children, the little wonders, will somehow get back into your heart & make you smile & laugh before something else hits you in the face. Take those calm, loving moments & journal them; it's something to hang onto to.

    I noticed that you adopted difficult child from Russia ~ has he been screened for Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) as well? The adopted children from that country have a notorious history of attachment disorders along with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS)/Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE).

    Take a deep breath - take it one day at a time. Stop volunteering for class projects unless absolutely necessary.

    AND take care.
  13. agee

    agee Guest

    Thank you all so much for this. I knew I would get the support that I needed here. I am SO HAPPY I found this message board. I told difficult child's psychiatrist about this board and he is open to me printing out advice you all have given me about medications. Which is great, I guess, but also proves that he is shooting blind when it comes to difficult child and his treatment. A whole 'nother story, that.
    Anyway, Wednesday was a particularly bad day all around and hanging out with those kids made it more difficult. The irony is that I work part-time in an elem. school so I'm with little kids all day long. Sometimes I feel jealous/wanting at my school but not as strongly as earlier this week. Mostly I feel that way about the little girls because I only have boys.
    Last year my difficult child came to school with me - but we moved him to his hometown school partially because it was too much for me to be with him. I was never able to be with-o him on my mind. By the end of the year when I'd see his class coming down the hall I would hide because I didn't want the scene that typically happened when he saw me.
    So I'm used to these feelings. They were just really severe on Weds.
    I hear what you're saying about not volunteering for self-preservation, and I'll think about it. Definitely self-care and self-awareness are important when I'm feeling like this. My husband has also been working lots and lots of hours and I've had my normal schedule + holiday prep...so we're under some pressure. I cut back my work hours this year in the hopes of finding more balance at home but some days I think I didn't cut back enough. I am lucky I am in the position that I could cut back, though -- I need to remind myself of that. The last couple of years working full time and husband working double time + difficult child and my older son was completely exhausting. Not, at least, I'm not exhausted. And the laundry is getting done. But I digress...
    I'm hoping this weekend we can all relax a little bit and see the forest (despite the trees).
    I have spoken about attachment issues to therapists as well as difficult child's psychiatrist and while we probably do have some elements of attachment, difficult child definitely does not have full-blown Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). His attachment issues are more of the 'anxious attachment' type. The way this manifests itself in a group of kids is that he tends to get clingy and jealous if I spend time with other kids - which is why my feelings about that other boy made me feel doubly crappy. Usually (on a good day) I'm able to talk to him when we're in situations like that - him getting jealous is something I can soothe, reassure, but also try to redirect - but on a bad day I just want to shove him away. I'm probably the one who has attachment issues in this relationship! And definitely my husband does. Esp. when he's working 100 hours/ week.
    Soooo...looking forward to the weekend and the next couple weeks off of school. We all need to reconnect and redirect and be nice to each other. Especially me.
    Hot chocolate for everyone!
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Awww, I am so sorry. And I know exactly how you feel. I once met a mom at a baseball game who was complaining that her son was too quiet and all he wanted to do was read. I yelped, "Want to trade kids?" LOL.
    Yes, the grass is always greener, but your son has serious issues. I know you didn't sign up for this. It's a risk we all take. Don't forget, it could have been genetics, too. You never really know what's in your family tree, and even if you do, making/having a baby is something that everyone wants to do. It's just instinct, I guess.
    I'll take some hot chocolate, too. Extra whipped cream, please. :)
  15. tictoc

    tictoc New Member

    Oh...I know exactly how you feel. Last year, I volunteered 2x a month on difficult child's class and it broke my heart every time. This year, I'm not volunteering. I'll take home things the teacher needs help with (cutting, stapling, etc), but I don't want to be in the room. It is just too painful.
  16. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Boy, I get it too! I remember wanting to leave my body when I was around our difficult children' classmates. It was painful to watch our sons be in their own world while others were following instructions and paying attention.

    It is ironic that our difficult children are American born, their biomom was under the care of a good ob-gyn who assured us that "these are good babies" yet our easy child spent the first 9 mos of her life in a crib in a Russian orphanage. We truly never can predict what will be the future of a child.

    Agee, circumstances do often improve. Your son is blessed to be in a country where he can find help. I am conflicted about the whole idea that a woman will damage her fetus if she has a few drinks while pregnant, I really mean "a few", not a life of constant inebriation. All of southern Europe should be affected then , including me, because those women DO drink while pregnant. When we went to easy child's orphanage a prospective adoptive parent asked that husband check out the three year old boy she wanted to bring to the US. The director and staff were desperate to get him placed before his move to "the big boy home, ages 3-7 years". After 7 they get moved again. It broke our heart to see this lovely little boy, sporting a bow tie and short pants, surely borrowed for the occasion, reciting a Russian poem like a trained seal. husband gave him his stamp of approval and I wanted to take him home!

    I also grieve all my miscarriages, that pain goes under ground and bubbles up every once in a while. So, yes, I get it!

    Many hugs and you can always pm me if you want to talk about your Russian experience, ours was life changing and terrifying.