feeling so loney

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by babyblue31, Nov 1, 2008.

  1. babyblue31

    babyblue31 New Member

    Today is november 2 and in 14 day it will a year ago that my patrick was murdered. I just realised that it was excally 1 month before my birthday.. I feel like I'm loseing my mind.. The tears start to come and takes all I have to hold them back cause I don't want our 4 yr old son to see me cry..

    I feel like my whole world is coming down around me and I don't want the 16th to come. I guess I keep think that maybe it not real and it's all a dream.. My heart is breaken and I can't stop it and it hurts more and more as the 16th get closer..

    I dream of him offened and it makes me miss him even more.. I still want to know why this had to happen... GOD I still love him.. I miss his touch, kiss, laugh,and him saying I love you....
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so very sorry. I wish I could make it hurt less. Please see a counsellor or a therapist or pastor for grief counselling. It really does help.

    I can't make it go away, or be a dream, but I can be here when you need to post.


  3. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Gosh, how horrible. Susie is right. I hope you are getting some help.

  4. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Oh, you poor thing. That first sad-iversary is so hard, isn't it?

    I'm six years out and my LDH died of a long term illness, but there is no way to make it hurt less.

    All you can do is to get through it day to day, hour by hour, minute by minute even.

    What I can tell you is that you can and will survive. You don't ever "over it"; but you come through the grief and hurt a somehow stronger (different, but stronger) person.

    Check out www.widownet.org for an excellent online support group--they even have sections for "re-partnered widow/ers" and for those who are young and still have children at home.

    Also, check with hospice at the hospitals nearest to you. They should be able to point you at grief support groups and individual counsellors in your area.

  5. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    You are entitled to your grief and should not apologize for experiencing it. I agree with the previous posters in that grief counseling, a pastor, etc., may be a great support for you.

  6. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Oh Babyblue. 1st year anniversary of a tragedy or difficult time is so hard. I didn't really understand how emotional it is until I started reaching the one year marks for my difficult child's issues. Somehow that year mark makes things solid - more real and permanent. The initial shock is not quite so strong and a deeper more permanent hurt is emerging.

    You take extra good care of yourself this month. Your grief is very real and you are allowed to display it.

    Find lots of fun things to do with your son. In giving your son good days, you will be following the wishes of Patrick who would want you to have lots of good days.

  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Sending HUGS and warm thoughts your way. I agree with the others and can only reiterate that we are here for you, too.
  8. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I lost my little sister in March to a tragic accident.
    I can only say how much I understand.
    It sometimes feels like the grief will not stop flowing - and then other times - I feel so disonnected from it, it feels like it never happened.
    Death is horrible, and no one can ever be prepared for the havoc it will reek on one's soul.

    We are here for you. Cry as much as you need to. It is cleansing and necessary. Maybe find a grief support group as well.
    Many hugs.
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, I am so sorry. And just saying I'm sorry sounds so lame. I would be feeling the same things you are. It's a heavy burden to carry. There is no answer in the universe to your "why?" It's so unfair.
    Many hugs.
    And I agree, that finding a grief support should be helpful. Nothing will completely take the pain away, but you should be able to make it through the day.
  10. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Anniversaries are difficult, especially the first one. I hope you will find a way to spend the day celebrating his life rather than being sad. It would be good for your son to see that. I also hope that you will be able to find a grief counselor or pastor to speak to about your feelings of loss.
  11. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I'm so sorry. I like what witz said about celebrating his life on that day - turn it around, even if it's just a little bit. Sending gentle hugs.
  12. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

  13. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Sending you hugs and support.
  14. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member

    Dear Babyblue31 my sister in grief.
    It has been 2 1/2 years that my precious son Alex died from a drug overdose. He was 17.

    GoingNorth is right, all you can do is take on day at a time, if that is too much, take on hour, one minute, one moment. Just go easy on yourself, losing a child wipes you out emotionally, physically and spiritually. Feeling like you are losing your mind and crying all the time are completely normal.

    If it is of any help, I have noticed that the days leading up to the "angleversary" or birthdate are often more difficult then the day itself. The first year, was the worse possible year I have lived. Being 2 1/2 years into it, I can tell you it is (easier,gentler,softer, choose one) then the beginning, but still hard.

    I also suggest finding support or somebody to talk to, I have never been to a grief counselor, although lately I have been thinking about it because things are hard right now. I am however, part of another online support group:

    I have a wonderful website to suggest, a support group for parents (only parents) that has lost a child. It is mychildlossgrief.com When you go there, you can go to the message boards or the main site. The message board is just like this, parents giving support to each other. The main site has many articles and other types of support.

    If you feel you need to connect to other grieving parents, I suggest you try. It can be overwhelming and sad, but sometimes just reading what other people are going through helps you understand your own grief. My name there is Lia~Alex's mom.

    You can e-mail me anytime here. I haven't been on here a lot lately, but I have been checking in.

    Please take care of yourself.

    I'm wishing you as much peace and comfort as possible.


  15. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Sending you prayers & positive thoughts for spiritual peace & healing. As others have noted, the first anniversary is typically the worst.

    I cannot imagine your pain, your loss or your sorrow. Losing a child just isn't right.

    Take care of yourself ~ do what needs to be done for yourself, for peace of mind.
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I just checked in. I often don't read Watercolor. I am so sorry. I don't know what happened, but it must be so painful to have lost a loved one that way. Have you gone to a grief group? Maybe kindred souls can help you cope during these hard times. (((Big hugs)))
  17. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    BB, please be very gentle with yourself during this time. Grieve, cry, and don't apologize for feeling the need to. I agree with the others that finding a grief counsellor or pastor you can talk to might help you through this time. I also think that finding a way to celebrate your dear one's life might help.

    Sending many gentle hugs to you,
  18. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    When children are involved I think it's okay for them to see us cry a little and be sad a little. If this has gone into a full blown depression for you I hope you get help - that in turn will not only help you BUT will show your son that when you have problems it's okay to go and talk to someone if you are feeling blue.

    Sorry for your loss...hope you allow his memory to be a positive experience in your sons' life.
  19. babyblue31

    babyblue31 New Member

    I want to thank all of you so much for your support!!!!!!! I got to clear something up it was not my son that was murdered it was his father.... All of you are great and thanx again..