Finally had enough...but it is hard

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by pamtidteach, Oct 1, 2017.

  1. pamtidteach

    pamtidteach New Member

    Hi guys... I really did hope things would be going differently for us, but this is where we are. Youngest child, will be 29 in Nov...successfully hid a drug problem for three years. Finally the stealing money, selling our things and taking his dad's medications (dad has a back problem) got too much and we were done. He enrolled in an outpatient drug program and was still working but I guess he was not as committed as we went to take one of his tramadols because of pain, and they were all gone. Despite the taking him to work, taking him to meetings, feeding him, housing him.... that was it. Dad gave him 24 hours to get is really really hard for me. He has shown no remorse, no real effort to change and this was it. He says he has no plans and I am sure he doesn't. He will have to figure out how to manage his life...what is sad is that he was doing well on his own before all of this. He was the first one out of the house and lived with friends, until he started stealing from them and using payday loans to pay for his habit
    In my head I know we have to do this... it is my heart that is breaking...I know it is for the best but how do you stop worrying all the time? This is tough! God keeps telling me to trust and I know I need to ...and I will...but wow it is hard. How do you get through it?
  2. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    It is very hard I agree. Nothing will change until something changes. He is 29 and old enough to be on his own.

    Do you go to any support groups, therapy?

    A good book to help is Codependant no more.

    Our decisions although they are right don't bring us immediate comfort. We have to have the courage to do what's right.

    Stay strong and know you are not alone.
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  3. pamtidteach

    pamtidteach New Member

    Thank you... I am not sure about what kind of support group I should look for...
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Al Anon or private therapy both worked for me. He is going to have to do this himself. He is nearing 30 and its hard, but there is nothing you can do.
  5. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Naranon or Alanon are both good. Private couseling is also good. There are also on line meetings with both Alanon and Naranon in the USA. They unfortunately don't work from Canada.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    There are online groups for Narcanon and Al Anon and Copendents Anonymous.
  7. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    I am sorry that you are going through such a painful time. Please know however that by making this change you are taking back your power and forcing him to make some changes. What those changes will be are his choice however, please use this time for you and your hubby to gain strength and reclaim your home and lives. I found therapy, meditation, reading , walking, all very helpful. Funny but as I got stronger, my son did too and he started to make some different choices. Try to look at this from a different perspective....if nothing were to change the spin cycle stays the same. Hugs to your hurting heart!
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • List
  8. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    You are doing the right thing by making him leave. Letting him live in your home and steal from you and use drugs is enabling. None of us want to ever do that but we are all guilty of it. I think that they do outpatient rehab to shut us up but if they're not invested in it, it won't work.

    I agree that at 29 he needs to figure this thing called life out on his own. He has taken advantage of you - our son did also.

    We sent our son to Florida in March of 2016 to hopefully stay sober after rehab in Illinois. He has spent a year there and is still not sober although I do think he has learned a lot.

    We are sending him to a faith based program in Tennessee for 11 months next week. He is being compliant but feels he can stay sober at home. We disagree. He has to realize it's his ADDICTION making him do bad thing and not his WILL. He is insistent but we are firm. I have told him that our love cannot fix him, if it did we wouldn't be here. He said he knows he has to go but he will keep trying to come home.

    Our son is much younger but we are heading into year seven with this so I feel this is one box we have not checked. We will help him as long as he is working on his sobriety. We are forcing it. If he does want to be closer to us he has to go through this door. I will not have him get sober in my home. He has to be one year sober before we would even consider bringing him closer. If this doesn't "take" then he really will be on his own.

    Stay strong. There is an article on detachment on this forum if you go on the main page; that is helpful.
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  9. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I am really surprised to hear that about Tramadol. I took those when I had kidney stones and they had no effect. I hope your husband's back and your son both get better soon.
  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    day by day. the heartbreak feels unbearable.

    i find respite in physical things. walking. i am learning a martial art. i met a new friend on my walk. a horse. she watches for me. i love her. i just realized that now. she gallops to the fence to see me.

    i think we may sometimes have to go back to simple things. focused in the moment. outside of words.

    find something that makes your heart flutter. that makes you happy for 5 min. an hour.

    it is not enough. i know. but you did the right thing. we need to keep going. precious moments and hope are sometimes the best we have.

    and when my hope flags i come here and post. when i cannot find care for myself, i look to find it in my posting.

    take care.
    Last edited: Oct 3, 2017
  11. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    hugs to you......sometimes the pain is so very unbearable. we all understand!
  12. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    Cool on the martial art. I started learning Kung Fu - it’s like moving meditation for me.
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  13. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    thanks done dad. brasilian jiu jitsu here. i will check out kung fu.
  14. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I scrape myself through each day need to find energy and focus for myself....someday once again.
  15. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Apparently, some people, especially if they take a large (4oo mg or more, which is over the seizure threshold for tramadol) dose of this medication, experience what they consider to be a pleasant, euphoric high. Most I've ever taken is 2 (100mg on doctor's orders). Turned the usual Tramadol headache into splitter, I was so anxious I could barely stay within my skin, and my bone on bone shoulder with the torn rotator cuff, STILL hurt. Nuts to that. One is vaguely OK as an adjunct to other pain medications such as an NSAID and some acetaminophen. I take it because it sorta helps some with the pain and I don't seem to be able to get somethng strong enough to do the job. That said, from what I've read, A high-dose tramadol addict is facing a horrid withdrawal as not only is tramadol an opioid (actually, its active metabolite is), but it also has effects on norepineprine reuptake.
    • Informative Informative x 1
    • Useful Useful x 1
    • List
  16. TerriH

    TerriH Member

    I think that if you give an active addict a comfortable place to stay that it will make it possible for the addiction to get very bad, very fast.

    Gentle hugs to you from Kansas, I know how scared you are for him, and how anxious you are from not knowing what will happen. My own daughter once got mad and left for Texas. It is frightening.