Finding my way-intro

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Mamablue5, May 3, 2011.

  1. Mamablue5

    Mamablue5 New Member

    So I am learning my way around the site and yes i am awful at reading directions,lol....So I guess i can do an intro here and if i am wrong i will happily correct......

    I am a stay at home mom with 5 children,my husband is out of the house most of the day which is when my troubles begin.For the most part I have little to no trouble with 4 of my children,However We have 1 child that gives more trouble the many ever could.He has had some health issues and for years we were told that he couldnt control his behaviors but over the years and many doctors and councilors we have concluded that this is simply not true.He knows what he is doig and can stop on the dime if he feels he needs to.We have tried every discipline We could think of also many other suggestions from everyone imaginable.I guess in a nuttshell I am at a loss and feel hopeless at this point.The truth is My son is getting older being 11 now and stronger and more violent.I fear there is nothing I can do anymore and we(me and my other children) are doomed to suffer whatever he chooses to do to us any given time until he is old enough to leave my home.I realize this sounds cold but It has been many years of abuse and putting myself in front of the others to protect them and i am left scarred and sorry I have rambled but yes as your intro suggest,it has already been a very rought parenting day .
  2. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Hello and welcome. Does your son have a diagnosis? What order is he in the family - are his siblings older? What about his father, does he have any power or influence with your son? Please say more about what you feel the origins of your son's aggressiveness and hostility are.
  3. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    We do need more information, but I will tell you one thing. If he gets violent - do not allow him to hurt you or the other children - call the police. It will likely take a few tries, but you have the right to NOT BE ABUSED.

    Also - find a local domestic violence shelter - they are willing to help with information a lot of the time.

    :hugs: and welcome...
  4. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Welcome, I'm so sorry you had to find us. I 2nd Step in saying that police should be called if your son is violent, tell them that you need help with a violent mentally ill child and you are concerned for the safety of you & your other children.
  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Just adding in my welcome. We do need more info. I'm sorry you are living with the violence. My son has been violent for years (much less so in the last year since his last hospitalization and the medication he is on) so I understand that hopeless feeling. Please be sure you are finding time to take care of you-when your husband is home are you able to get a break? Sending gentle hugs to you tonight.
  6. Mamablue5

    Mamablue5 New Member

    Well lets see,where to start :) ,First my son has had many many different doctors with all different diagnosis.He has been treated for everything from adhd to odd and the list goes on.We have had times where he has taken anywhere from 1-6 pills a day until the point we got fed up with it all,he has been off medications for a while now and there is truly no difference he is no better or worse then when he is on them.As for age,he is right in the middle.2 older and 2 younger siblings.As for my husband,he has total influence on him.when he is home he wouldn't dare touch me and is very careful about all his behaviors.He adores his dad and looks at him like he is a rock star.Us on the other hand well...enough said.I have had the police a few times and they have told me that because of his age they cant put there hands on him at all.In fact he has had the police called to bring him home to me from school a few times when he was still in public school.As for the kids.I am home 24 hours a day,I do not leave them or especially him with hardly anyone because most people cant handle him and most wont even try anymore.I think i covered everything if not Feel free to ask :)
  7. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    There is something, deep down inside your son, that is going on. Many of us struggled for years before finding something, often small, that made a difference - a program, a doctor, a teacher, a mentor, a hospitalization, a new diagnosis, a new medication or combo of medications, etc. The list goes on and on.

    First and foremost is your safety and the safety of the other children. If your son is threatening or physical with you or his siblings, all bets are off. Transport to the emergency room.

    Second, keep a diary on him. Record every time he exhibits behaviors that concern you. Write down what was happening before he "snapped", how long it took him to calm down, and what your (and anyone else around) reaction was to his behavior. There could be a pattern of cycles, foods, etc. I would also, especially since it sounds like he is a different child when dad is around, purchase a small audio recorder. Record, without his knowledge if possible, some of the situations that are troubling you. Find one of those small ones you can keep in your pocket or such.

    Third, what kinds of docs has your son seen. His pediatrician, a psychologist, a psychiatrist, a neuro-psychiatrist? I know you say he has been diagnosis'd with odd and adhd, but were there any mood or conduct diagnoses? Is there any family history of behavioral, emotional, or mental issues? Sometimes that's a starting point. You say he is a different kid around dad; does he pit the two of you against each other? Does your husband agree something is not right with your son?

    How does he do in school? You mentioned he used to be in public but now he's in private. Why the change? Is he compliant with his teachers? How does he do socially with his peers?

    Sorry for all the questions, but our challenging kids are complex and it takes a lot of questions.......

    Welcome to the site.

  8. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    We had a similar issue the first couple of times we had to call the police on Onyxx - they wouldn't do anything, but they did talk to her. She finally hit the "magic age" of 12. Nevermind that she was violent before that.

    However - they did start responding when we started asking for transport.

    At 16, with an assault/DV and drug theft record - they still won't do much unless we ask... And even then, you have to be insistent. For the safety of the other kids.

    You said he is very careful of his behaviors when Dad is around... How does Dad treat YOU? Not necessarily the problem - but a possibility that he is seeing Dad do it and trying to "be a man". Especially if he is moreso than Dad is. Showing you who's really boss. As I said, this might not be it. But it's something that stood out to me.

    Eventually, the police will do SOMETHING.
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Welcome, Mamab.
    I hear you!
    Sharon has some great suggestions.
    Record everything. Make copies of the dr reports.
    And get a better diagnosis.
    ADHD and ODD are adjectives for most of us.
  10. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome to the site!

    Does dad believe you and agree there is a problem? Does he talk to difficult child about these issues?
  11. Mamablue5

    Mamablue5 New Member

    Sorry been a rather rough morning again already and its only 8:30 :(
    Now I realized after reading back that I left out a very important detail.My boy had an absess removed from his brain when he wasa baby.And yes he has damage.Many of his issues are indeed from this however The behaviors we are dealing with now I do not believe are a result.He has ful control over his actions and As with his last councilor.he seems to take pleasure from hurting people,he has this satisfied smile on his face.I could go on about this forever but to adress more specifically his father absolutely believes and supports me 100%,indeed in the begining the doctors didnt so i made them several home movies.mission accomplished.He has had multipal stays in the ward and acted like an absolute saint the entire time he was there(again controlled).I dont expect anyone to have answers at this point I just need...I dont even know what it is i need.just felt very sad and angry and alone and needed something.thank you all so much.
  12. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    mamablue5, it is often the case that difficult children are worse with those that love them most. They know mom & dad are not going to mock them or give up on them - unconditional love. So, it is OK to be themselves around parents & siblings. But, with people that they do not have that comfort with - they control it as much as they can. It is hard work for them to control it, so they can not do it in front of everyone all the time.

    It is also common for difficult children to hold it together for months with someone they are not sure about, but either they just can not do it any longer, or they begin to feel that they are cared about enough....then the behavior problems are shown.