Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by MrsApril05, May 8, 2008.

  1. MrsApril05

    MrsApril05 Busy Bee

    I have an 8.5 yr old difficult child who drives me nuts!!!!! I feel like everyday is a war and I'm sooooo exhausted. She makes me cry, she makes me yell, she makes me want to run away . The thing that gets me most is that people with "regular" children just don't get it, and they judge!! They judge harshly!! I sometimes wish we lived on an Island far away so it didn't matter how loud she yelled, and I knew she was safe everytime she ran away because she doesn't like the rules. I am having such a hard time with her for the first time this morning I thought to myself" I wish I didn't have kids" How awfull of me. She lies to her teachers, principle, anyone who will listen to her. I'm out of ideas for disapline---she doesn't care if I took everything she own away and grounded her to her room for a year...its never her fault and she doesn't care. Why is it that everytime she starts a fight she is calm and cool after and I look like I've been to hell and back??? We go to a child mental therapist and he told me that 1 hour a week wont help us any, some please explain to me what will then? I'm lost and fustrated!!! I've become an emotional eater and I'm gaining weight like crazy, I'm ready to give up!!!! Sorry I needed to vent.
  2. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Welcome. I'm glad you found us.

    I have a few questions for you that I hope will help us help you:

    What kind of doctor diagnosed your daughter?
    Is she taking any medications? If so, what and at what dose?
    How does she do in school, both academically and with peers?
    Any developmental or speech delays?
    Any sensory issues (for example, sensitivity to clothing tags, loud noises, food textures)?
    Any mental health issues or substance abuse in the family tree?

    In the interim, you might want to get your hands on a copy of The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. It has helped many of us on the board parent our extra-challenging children.

    Again, welcome.
  3. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Many of us are in the thick of it with you! Don't feel like you're alone...there are many of us here who know what you're going through.

    Smallworld is asking great questions and once you get a chance to answer, you'll get a lot of suggestions.

    Grab a copy of Ross Greene's "The Explosive Child". Rewards don't mean "jack" to most of our kids and recognizes that. It's an easy read, not a lot of psychiatric "mumbo jumbo" and there are some examples that actually make you laugh (which you sound like you could use! lol).

    We're here. Don't feel bad about sometimes not wanting to be a Mom. I usually think that several times a year, oh all right, ALMOST EVERY DAY! There. I said it!

    Keep your chins up and try walking instead of eating (although after the phone call from my son's school today, I ate a ton of chips and dip!).

    Take care, we're here for you!

  4. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Hello MsApril,

    I just wanted to pop in and say welcome. You've found a "soft place to land".
    Smallworld's questions will help us to point you in the right direction as to what has worked for us, and other info that we can share.

    Know that you're not alone. Many of us have walked in your shoes.

    I second the vote for The Explosive Child.

    Just a thought...you mention that after an explosion your difficult child seems calm and you look and feel like you've been through the ringer...I always found that my difficult child relishes the battle. He likes nothing better than a confrontation, the more volatile the better. He thrives on the chaos. So...my reaction is not to engage. I speak in a very quiet monotone, and if he continues to be disruptive I disengage completely and walk away.

    Not possible if your child is running away, I know. But I did find that this saved my sanity more than once when I was trying to talk to difficult child about something without popping my cork.

    Again, welcome.
  5. MrsApril05

    MrsApril05 Busy Bee

    Thank you for makin me feel like I'm not the only one going through this.
  6. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Welcome to our board. Your daughter sounds very familiar. M used to destroy his clothes by su-cking on them. (Wish the moderators would let us use that word...)

    From outside looking in, and with a bit of hindsight, I would say that the reason your daughter is calm and collected after starting a fight with you may be because when you react to her antagonism with fighting back, you have given her just what she expected. She pushed your button and got the exactly what she wanted. Control over your most inner thoughts and feelings.

    I imagine that if you didn't engage in her fighting, she would go berzerk at first. But, if you could just walk away, not say a word, I don't think it would be long before she scaled back on that tactic a bit.

    Believe me I know how hard that is. I don't know that I ever mastered it. My husband is really good at it. So much so that I had to tell him to leave the room last night because his silence makes me escalate a discussion to an argument every time. I come off looking like a nut, and he can always honestly say "I wasn't fighting with you. You were the one yelling."

    Your daughter gets to say "I was the one who calmed down and walked away." It's fighting dirty. Don't let her do it. Put on your i-pod, read the paper, do anything but don't engage in her manipulations.
  7. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member


    Just a thought...several of the symptoms you mention are possible indicators of an autism spectrum disorder (Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)), which can often present lookalike symptoms to ADHD and ODD.

    Have you considered getting a neuropsychological evaluation for your difficult child? You can often find them affiliated with university teaching hospitals and children's hospitals. I'm not familiar enough with the universities in Alberta to point you to any specific place, but it might be a good starting point.

    The neuropsychologist evaluation can pinpoint what's going on with your child, so that you can get the right interventions in place. You might also check out the Childbrain.org website.
  8. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Your therapist said one hour a week will not help. Did he or she give an alternative? When my difficult child started therapy we were told that "I can only give one hour per week. If you find you need more help then that, you may want to check out the child psychiatric hospital for a variety of levels - partial or full hospitalization." My difficult child was just starting to be diagnosed. For us, this first visit was a very large plea for immediate help. On the way out of that office, difficult child broke down saying he could not handle this anymore (his body was telling him to hurt himself) and could we please go to this other place for more help? We did go and the assessment indicated inpatient care to start medications.

    This was a good way for us to STOP and start over. difficult child learned a lot of coping skills in a safe environment and found comfort in the structure of the facility. After two weeks, he was ready to face the real world armed with new skills.

    My difficult child has been diagnose with anxiety and we are trying to figure out what else may be going on. I think your child is going through a lot different issues as my son so this may not be the answer for you but what do you do when a professional states they can not help but do not have a referral to what will help? Maybe in light of the upcoming test, he or she chooses to gather more info before referring you on?

    Stay strong - I have a hard time walking away from an angry, controlling difficult child because I think "I am the parent. I have to end this NOW! I need to show that I am in control." I am slowly (very slowly) realizing that in that moment, there is no control (even for difficult child) and no one will be able to get control through anger - difficult child will not calm down as long as I am adding fuel to the fire. I have just recently figured out that my difficult child needs more time than most kids to process what has just happened and until he can think it through, he will hold his ground to this moment's thought. So, I make sure he is safe and wait until we both cool off to ask him what just happened and how can he avoid overheating?

    Keep us informed as to May 23rd test and anything else you learn. I just got my copy of The Explosive Child from the library (needed to be ordered from a sister library) so will read it as soon as I am done with "The Manipulative Child" which seems to be fitting difficult child and myself - next chapter promises to help me learn how to deal with the manipulation and stop my part in it.
  9. Christy

    Christy New Member

    You've found the perfect place to vent! Listening ears (or in this case eyes) are available all the time. You will find a wealth of advice and support.

  10. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome-glad you found us-as you can see you are not alone! Having a difficult child is wearing and it's important to find some time just for you. I know that is easier said than done. It could be reading, taking a bubble bath, or a walk. I too am an emotional eater and when things get rough it's easy to eat whatever is around. I try to work out a lot and have healthy things around the house but believe me it isn't easy. Check out our healthy living forum!
  11. MrsApril05

    MrsApril05 Busy Bee

    Thanks everyone for all you imput, I'm feeling better. I will try the tactics you all suggested. I'll keep you all informed. I made head way tonight and found someone who is willing to do respit care 5hrs a week. Yeah!!! I'm still looking for a behavioral aide. I've made some calls but am still waiting to hear back. I'm so proud of her she got 100% on her spelling test tonight so I took her for dinner at the restaurant of her choice and I even got a hug and an I love you before bed. I'm so happy right now. We didn't have any agruments tonight. Wow I am on cloud nine. I hope this weekend goes this great. We are going into the city for a big Ukrainian dance compitition she is involved in. She dances tomorrow morning and saturday morning so we are spending the night at my moms( yeah grandmas house...lol) she is always good there...ok almost always...tee hee. Have a great weekend everyone.