Game Day Decision Time.

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Littleboylost, Sep 24, 2017.

  1. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Well today AS/Difficult Child says he doesn't feel he needs in patient rehab, he feels he needs and anger management course and that is all.

    He has not been contributing in any way to the household what so ever. Continues to come home high. Has missed school and been late all but 1 day in 3 weeks...and we all know where this is headed. Failure to achieve his GED.

    We agreed if he was willing to accept that he needs help and goes to long term rehab that he could stay with us until he was admitted. He has done nothing but sabotage the admission efforts.

    At a meeting this week his counsellors indicated that he was too "pre-contemplative" for them to feel he is ready for long term rehab. His responses are that his parents are making him go etc. etc. etc. They still feel he is unable to mange independently or hold down a job and needs mental health help. But he has the precious capacity to decide what he needs as far as help.

    I don't know what adolescent youth with a suspected underlying MH disorder and a diagnosis and history of CD would be anything but "Pre-contemplative" about in patient long term care.

    The model they use is not a useful model for adolescent wirh suspected mixed disorders.

    Understanding the stages of addiction and recovery | Adfam | Family drug support - information for the families of drug and alcohol users

    We have asked the school for an attendance record to date, we have told his couselors if they so choose to continue with the admission process to long term care by all means go ahead. At least he will know what is available should he chose to REALY seek assistance.

    Well can't. Change the system so it's time to change our approach; it's time for Mr Man to live the life he has invested in. Get a rooming house, and get on social assistance. We are planning on having this talk with him tonight and giving him 60 days to be out. He is 18 Oct 20 and we do not have to provide and eviction notice. He does not have a key and we have told him he is our guest.

    The system will make us feel so guilty so give us some strength folks. This isn't going to be easy.

    Not an easy thing to do but anything else would simply be enabling his behaviour and encouraging his decisions and delusion that he is fine.
     
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  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I read your other post on PE about how you think making son move is giving up on him. A few thoughts.

    You cant either help him or give up on him. He is the one who either helps himself or gives up on himself. Your personal feelings about him dont make him better or worse. Feelings do nothing. All of us have expressed undying love, faith in them, hope for them, anger at them, frustration etc. What we do oe feel or say doesnt matter. It is what THEY do. We like to think we have more power than we do.

    Secondly, realizing you cant live with drugged son and acting on it is changing things up, which is good. Doing the same thing that doesnt work over and over again is insane. I personally feel that harm reduction is useless; doesnt work at all. As long as a druggie is a druggie and is told by parents that he can use, it wont reduce harm. He will use and harm will continue...to him and you too. Why worry what an inept system of workers think? They just dont want to care for him. He is a pain in the butt to them. They would rather he be a pain in the butt to YOU. Its easier for The System.

    Your son needs help and is not getting it while living with you. He is refusing treatment. So let him refuse it and live less comfortably. Perhaps he will change his mind if he isnt in your home. Maybe not. But YOU will be more peaceful. This is his turf only.

    I know its hard. Big hugs!
     
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  3. StillStanding

    StillStanding Active Member

    Good luck LBL.

    I also live in Canada and have had so many obstacles in getting my son on social assistance. He was declined for OW because he's always lived at home. What the...! Also, they didn't care that most of the last 2 years his address might be mine but he's been homeless for most of that time.

    I'm trying to get him on ODSP but so far, he doesn't show up for appointments, loses forms (even when I give them to him on his way to the appointment), etc, etc.

    It will be easier if you do most of the work. I've missed too much work to be able to take care of it myself.
     
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  4. StillStanding

    StillStanding Active Member

    P.S. If they ask you for a letter saying he can't live with you, make sure you aren't vague or polite in the letter. You have to say "we are no longer able to financially support him". If they call or interview you and say, "What will you do if he can't pay rent?" Don't say you'll help him. He will be denied.

    Be firm even if it feels uncomfortable.
     
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  5. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    We have said for the past month since he came home he is only here because he is waiting for a long term rehab bed. We say hat this is not a sustainable model for any of us. Thanks for the tips! Very helpful. I am so sick of our rediculius system.
     
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  6. Nessie

    Nessie Member

    I am really sorry you are in this situation. My son left in February, came home for two days after his rented room was raided by police but was awful. Although I am glad he doesn't live with us it really doesn't stop me worrying.

    Before he left I absolutely dreaded coming home from work and that stopped for a bit but I feel it creeping back. Your son is a bit younger but I wish I would have been firmer with him earlier, not sure it would have made any difference but it would have saved me and my family some grief. I think it is clear from your posts that you have done as much as you can and as painful as it is you are doing the only thing you can by giving him notice.

    My son appears to have worsened since he left but the reality is I think this was going to happen anyway. The only difference is that my family have not have to endure the continuous nightmare of when he lived here. I wish you strength and peace.
     
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  7. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    I'm so sorry. Even when you have a healthy suspicion that they won't execute the plan, it still sucks when they prove you right.

    I know you have marinated in this for a long time. But how long had it been since you gave him the "stay" pending long term rehab? I ask because the stay seemed tortuous, from your posts. And 60 days is a very long time.
     
  8. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, LBL. Sorry that the system isn't plugging him into the help he needs, and sorry he is making sure it doesn't.

    It sounds like he has been telling you whatever you needed to hear and giving you the bare minimum of what you needed to see so that you would allow him to stay under your roof -- and he could continue to get high. It almost sounds like he may know more about the system than you do.

    I'm not sure what the right thing to do is with a not quite 18-year-old. He is so, so young. But I do agree that 60 days is a long, long time and EXTREMELY generous. What do you hope to happen in 60 days?
     
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  9. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    He has been home for a month. Scraping by not once has he gone to school on time he skips and has the sense that he is doing just great.

    We shall see about that. My husband brings up a good point that we should wait it out until he gets his mid term report. And then we can't be blamed for him screwing up in school. It is due in 2 weeks.
     
  10. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    He is young but what is waiting out another painful year going to do. He is clearly not interested in getting help he doesn't think he has a problem.
     
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2017
  11. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    It's not that you are giving up on him. We as parents do not have the power to save our children. It's been said before, "if love alone could save them, we wouldn't need this site"
    One of the hardest truths to accept is that we as parents cannot fix our children's problems. They are no longer small children where a hug and a kiss will make everything better for them. They are grown, making their own decisions and no matter how bad those decisions are and no matter how much we hate it, it's theirs not ours.
    The only one that can change your son is your son. The more you do for him the less he will do for himself.
    I wish I would have found this site when my son was instead of 30, I could have saved myself years and a lot of money by detaching sooner.

    Remember, detaching does not mean we don't love our kids, it just means we are no longer going to allow them to hold our emotions hostage. We are no longer going to enable their poor choices.

    Don't get lost in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt)

    Hang in there!!!

    ((HUGS))
     
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  12. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I so so so get the FOGs I want to have Faith, Courage and Hope with no expectations instead of FOG. I wish he could see what we see.
    :cry:
     
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    Last edited: Sep 24, 2017
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change,
    The Courage to change the things I can,
    And the Wisdom to know the difference?
    If you dont have a God, just take it off, but the message is still awesome. I have learned to do this. It took a long time.
    I no longer try to have hope...i just give life problems to the Universe and go with the flow. This is opposed to biting my finger nails to nothing and obsessing over the outcomes of EVERYTHING. Um, my nails suffered and the worrying to pieces changed nothing.

    P.S.--I do still bite my nails in spite of worrying a lot less.
     
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  14. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Well said SWOT. I try very hard to live by serenity and it has helped my anxiety a lot.
     
  15. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I think the hardest thing for me is that he is so young. However he has no desire to change so this is what we will be dealing with. It is what it is.
     
  16. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I've been at this a long time! My son is 35 currently in prison for 2 years. What I can tell you is that is does get better with time. It's not easy and it can feel so unnatural as mothers to separate ourselves but it's the only way we can survive this. If you haven't printed out the article on detachment I suggest you do. It speaks the truths that we need to help us navigate through it.
    I will always have some hope that my son will someday stop living such a reckless lifestyle but that's up to him, not me. Until that time..... I will continue to live MY life as best I can. I'm half way through this race of life and not getting any younger. I will find joy in my days by doing things that make me happy. I will not be a slave to the "mommy guilts" as they serve no purpose. My son's life matters but so does mine, so does yours and all the other moms and dads here on this site.
    LBL, you too will get through this.
    :staystrong::notalone:
     
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  17. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    LBL I am so sorry you are in this position. You are doing the right thing by holding him accountable to the natural rules of life.

    He cannot live in your home while refusing to participate in rehab, attend school or follow any of your rules. That hurts him more than you, and it hurts you very much.

    Stay strong and stay the course, we are all here beside you.
     
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  18. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I have read the article and I have it off line to refer to. It was the first time I had ever been introduced to detachment. I am making better choices by far than when I first came to this site. Man I kept thinking if he would only wake up and smarten up!! I now realize I am dealing with a AC and Difficult Child with CD and perhaps an underlying psychiatric illness. It just isn't going to get better any time soon.
     
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  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    LBL, my daughter was only just 19, immature, and a girl. I was terrified. She had somewhere to go, but if she had so much as lit one cigarette, Goneboy would have thrown her out. He had no patience...you followed his rules in his house or you were gone that fast.
    My daughter had no track record for following rules so I thought she would end up homeless in winter in Chicago. I was afraid though that if we did nothing she would get older and still be using so we prayed. She amazed us by quitting. We didnt expet her to. She was using cocaine, meth, speed of other kinds, psychodelics, had even smoked heroin but she quit. She told us it would not have happened if we had not made it so miserable to use.

    Sometimes, yes, they are so young we feel its too soon...but then suddenly they are 25 and still on drugs and we wished we'd have come down hard when they were younger.

    What good is letting things go on like this? Maybe putting him on his own will get him tired of using. Maybe he will go to rehab. If you take no action, neither will he.

    Sometimes we have to close our eyes and do it when they are young so that they are not maybe still doing this when they are thirty. Then its much harder.

    Wishing you the courage to do whatever you feel will help your son and yourself. Big hugs!!
     
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  20. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    lbl. i am sorry. i have not read all the posts here but enough to agree with those who say 60 days more seems like waaaay too much.

    i would count the last 30 plus days with him shining you on. playing you like a fiddle. do these translate to canadian?

    to me, he sounds way enough competent and capable to know what he is doing and how to take care of himself. he is manipulating the situation artfully.

    actually. i think the professionals are manipulating too. trying to put you between a rock and a hard place. another idiom that may not translate.

    i know how hard it is to put them out. i kicked out my son when he was 23 (he subsequently came home for am extended period. he turns 29 in 2 weeks) i still blame myself as causing all this. but the mama bird comes to mind.

    what are you supposed to do when they are shitting the nest while dominating it too? these are their choices.

    your son is making me very mad. he made an agreement.

    he does not get to call the shots in your house.

    now. this thread is very helpful to me. my son is homeless. and the good news is, can you believe it? he is sleeping in a car loaned to him with a dead battery in front of a kentucky fried chicken which he volunteered to share with a young man who is deaf.

    all of this good news is shared by his boyhood friend who i call to beg to ask my son to please call. he has not.

    i get in the mail bills from psychiatric hospitals where my son has gone for respite. more good news.

    i write this to tell you that they do survive.

    i will tell you my view: you have no choice.

    if you asked me--you haven't--but i can't help myself....i would tell him he is out on his birthday.

    i am so sorry. he is being a real jerk. in my view he needs to be called on it.
     
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    Last edited: Sep 24, 2017