Gave difficult child an ultimatum

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by toughlovin, Feb 9, 2012.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Got a call from the current sober house tonight. difficult child tested dirty on the current spice test...not dirty on anything else. According to this guy the stuff can stay in your system 10 days. They said he looked awful when he got there and he is looking better now.

    So i agreed with the sober house that i would pay for another week, pay for groceies in 2 installments, and if he does not test clean by wed we will cut him off financially.

    Then i textd difficult child that we needed to talk this weekend. He asked why so we ended up having the convo via text which of course is not optimal. I basically told him what i told the sober house guy.

    I really dont have a lot of faith that he will do it....but we cannot continue to suppprt him living in sober houses finding ways to get high. So i have this pit of my stomach feeling he will be on the street on wednesday.

    I have to remember that hope is about my finding peace and happiness no matter what choices he makes.

    Keep reminding me of that next week when i am falling apart.

  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    IF. not "when". <wink>
    Whatever the odds are, there is a chance...

    IF you need us next week, we're here.

  3. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    TL, tough love is called tough cause it is tough on you. I cannot see any other sane choice for you. I pray you can find some peace in the chaos.

    Know I'll say the serenity prayer as soon as I post this while thinking of you.
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I hope he turns around but I do think you have to protect yourself for what could come. Here is crossing my fingers for you and offering a shoulder.
  5. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    TL, if he can't stop using even in a halfway house, I think he needs detox. I know he says he doesn't but it sounds like he can't stop himself which means he must be craving the drugs.

    Regardless, you can't keep paying to support him while he continues using. I know it will break your heart but the right thing to do is to stop paying. You are giving him one more week and one more chance. You have done everything anyone can possibly do to help your son.

    We'll be here holding your hand.

  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Just sending caring thoughts your way. DDD
  7. I've heard some terrible stuff about stopping spice. Increased anxiety, flu like symptoms, etc. Somewhere I read that an ex-heroin addict say that it was just like being dope sick. I hope he makes it.
  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ditto to what Kathy said. Is there any way your insurance would pay for another stay in residential treatment? I know he probably would fight that but it's the line int he sand you can draw. Instead of going on the street it's an alternative. He needs more than 5 days detox, he needs detox and then as long a stay as possible to continue the sober state until he has some traction behind him.

    Was this the more restrictive sober house that said he was dirty when he came in? I thought they wouldn't take him until he was clean.

    Ugh I'm sorry TL, he just isn't getting it. And where can he possibly be getting the money for drugs? His girlfriend?

    AFTR is right, I posted some of those symptoms on another thread I think. There are alll kinds of things in spice that are causing a lot of serious problems.

    I'm saying the serenity prayer with you.

  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thanks you all are the best. I am so thankful I found this forum with others who really understand what this is like!! I agree he needs detox and some kind of treatment but I also know I can't dictate it to him anymore. He has got to realize that himself. He really is not getting it. He has a tendancy to sabatoge himself and break the rules for breaking the rules sake... I am sure that ODD aspect of him is not helping him when he also feels the cravings and urge to use. It also kind of ticks me off that he doesn't really have a conversation with us... but only texts and then when I ask something he doesn't want to answer he just doesn't respond. I am really pretty fed up. I wish I didn't have the fear of him dying.... that fear draws me in every time. And yet even that isnt something I can prevent.

    The last couple of days I have been going to the what if we had found a different tx place, would that have made a difference. I think I keep hoping for the perfect tx place that somehow will get through to him... and yet I know really the place won't make a difference if he doesnt want it for himself. And I really just dont think he is there yet.

    So there really is nothing I can do. I have to keep reminding myself of that... "God grant me the serentiy to accept the things I cannot change"....

  10. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I know you can't force him TL, but the money you are spending on rent and food and necessities (and probably drugs) could be going to rehab where it would do more good. It's likely he will not get the help he needs in a sober house. Sober houses are for people who want to live sober and he doesn't yet.

    So while you can't force him, you could, if financially possible, tell him that residential treatment is the only thing you will pay for. Telling him you are going to cut him off next week is not going to make him stop using. He can't stop. So when he is on the street and texts you that he is hungry you will have to be strong enough to not respond. And I think that is a horrible horrible place for a parent to be in.

    I just know that I feel so bad for you and for him. I still think he is a great candidate to be sent to one of those luxury treatment centers by Dr. Phil.

  11. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I agree telling him we will cut him off next week probably won't get him to stop using... which is why i think next week he will be on the street!!! However it clearly puts the ball in his court..... it won't feel like an aribrary decision on our part. At that point I will be very clear another sober house is not an option... that the only option is detox and treatment.

    In a way to be honest this is strategy. If I am clear that the ball is in his court then it will be much easier to hold our ground. We have given him the chance to do it the sober house way... it is not working. I do think the sober house guy is on to him, and was talking about how he needs to get out and live life and do things you would normall do like ahem get a job!!!

    And no this is not the more restrictive sober house... this is the one for people really down and out. I pay a week at a time so it is not much money really.

  12. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    The other thing I wanted to say is that last year I really thought difficult child ws going to die. She was drinking and using 24/7, was dancing in a strip club and going home with guys she met there, not eating, sleeping wherever she happened to be that day and posting all kinds of comments and pics on fb that made me sick to my stomach. I finally had to face the fact that I would probably be going to her funeral.

    I played difficult child's funeral out in my head. I thought about what I would say to her druggie friends who came and pretended to be all sad and cry together all the while waiting until they could leave and get their next high. I practiced what I would say to my neighbors and other parents, some of who helped enable her over the years, and others who turn their heads to their own kids' drug use. I wrote down things I wanted to post on her wall to all the fake RIP's her so called friends would post. I pictured myself at her grave finally knowing she was at peace and wondering why we had all this heartache. And I tried to write the letter to her bm asking her why.

    All of that finally gave me the peace I needed to accept that she may die and there wasn't a thing I could do about it but I knew in my heart I did all I could while she was alive. It shattered my faith, it made me think things I couldn't say out loud, but it was the beginning of me realizing I couldn't keep her alive.

  13. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thanks Nancy.... I go to that place where I imagine his funeral.... and it just gets me crying so much I just have to leave that place. Yet I have come to realize that if that is what happens I have done all I can. I know that trying to prevent it, isn't doing any good. I really hoped a week on the street alone would be enough but apparently it wasn't.... so the next step is clear and as hard as it is it is what we have to do.

    I did go look on Dr. Phils website.... I am not really sure what to do about that idea.

    Thanks for sharing about your imaginings with you daughter, that was helpful. I thought today of calling his girlfriend and really trying to talk to her except that I think doing that will probably just make things worse. She is unlikely to talk to me and will just tell him I called and I will not have helped anything. So right now my best bet is to do nothing.

    Doing nothing is so hard to do isn't it?

  14. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I know you have done everything humanly possible and I want you to be at peace with that. The grief is what is hard to get through.

    If anyone ever questioned the love of adoptive parents and whether it is different or not as strong, they have only to look at us.

  15. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Boy isn't that the truth. Although he may not feel it sometimes i don't think he can really question that we love him.

    The whole thing just breaks my heart..... and it is time to just let go and let God.

  16. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    I've thought about the same thing....difficult child's funeral. I remember driving him home from the shrink. He's sound asleep in the front by me. I'm holding his hands in my right hand....praying for him. Then I think, "I don't want to feel your hands in a coffin." Just agony.

    Later that night, I randomly opened one of my Al-anon day by day books. I do that sometimes, praying that God will open the best page for me at the time.

    This is what was there. "I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess." Martin Luther.
  17. buddy

    buddy New Member


    Hope he wakes up soon.... Really is a hard road he is choosing.
  18. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Hugs to us all and may God hold US in the palm of HIS hand...
  19. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Hugs. I am on my own ride right beside you. I hate that we care more about them than they do about themselves. It is truly a living nightmare for a parent. :-(
  20. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    It is awful that we care more about them than they do about themselves... this is the crux of it isn't it. We love them so much but for whatever reason they cant love themselves....

    I talked to the guy at the current (down and out place) sober house yesterday... he had to call me about the payment. Anyway he said difficult child did go to a meeting yesterday but he also commented that difficult child is very stubborn. I agreed!! I said I had told difficult child he needs to be clean by Wed or we are cutting off financial support. My hope is that woke difficult child up enough to get him to do what he needs to do.... but I am certainly not holding my breath. He will probably test this limit as well.....