Gearing up for meeting with PO

[klmno]

I have to meet with difficult child's PO this week to find out what the planned placement is upon difficult child's release. The placement will be either 1) going into the re-entry program (group home with a caseworker) long term- until he's 18yo or something else comes up- this is doubtful since it would cost more than what PO recommended and PO recommended this- 2) re-entry program short-term where PO stays involved in my life, difficult child still has case worker and we have to do whatever with the goal for re-unification- I have no idea what their idea of "short term" is, 3) difficult child comes home to live with me either with re-entry program offering services (ie, more orders, case worker, all the BS DF and some others have had to deal with that never seems to help), or without any re-entry program involvement.

I know I sound pessimistic but the thing is, when difficult child is trying we don't need all the hoopla and when he's not, he can't make it until the next appointment or even the next work day when a PO checks phone messages so it really accompoishes nothing more than taking up time and being a thorn in my side because it's all about what I should change....and difficult child has said himself the problem is that he quit respecting me as his mom. I interpret that to mean he quit respecting my authority and I still to this day don't see how me sitting there taking the blame and jumping thru hoops helps this kid learn how to respect my authority.

I don't want to be in a position of just not going to pick difficult child up on his release date. But it seems a little odd to me that if the re-entry program rep decided, after interviewing difficult child a couple of weeks ago, that they were approving the short-term and gradual reunification plan, shouldn't they have touched base with me? I haven't heard the first word from these people. If it's another situation where their idea of 'working together with parent' really means they'll listen to PO/courts and difficult child then order me what to do, it's not going to get very far.

You know, when I talked to a couple of attnys a few mos ago, one of the things both of them said was that 'some parents just don't want to raise their kids' and ' some parents don't want to put their feet down and make a kid do anything and that's how the kids end up in this system'. Clearly, these people just don't get it and I honestly think these opinions they have are why we warrior moms go thru koi for NOTHING except to sit there and watch our kids get further and further out of control. I get that some parents really are that way but seriously, that shouldn't be the presumption leaving us parents having to prove otherwise to all these people who just took all the available funding.

 

[Liahona]

UGH. You are fighting the perceptions and attitudes of the people in the court system just like I am. Your court system thinks all its problems would go away if only the parents would .... And I bet they have a million things to fill that blank in.

My courts think that all mothers are bad and all fathers are wonderful. (Very simplistic paraphrasing)

I don't know how old difficult child is. I started this fight when difficult child 1 was 4 yrs old. I am still fighting the same battles almost 8 years latter. I might have found a chink in the bad mother attitude. I doubt your difficult child has that much time.

You might need a good lawyer to help protect yourself from all the idiots that have this attitude. You might want to interview them to make sure they don't have this attitude before paying them anything.

I hate courts.

 

[DammitJanet]

Lia, we need to do custody and visitation in your courts! One of the problems is though that I do think that we, parents like us, are truly in the minority still. I am hoping that more parents are slowly becoming more aware and willing to accept that their child could possibly have something wrong with them. And there are so many parents out there who simply dont want to do the work that is involved with parenting. They have too much going on in their lives other than their kids. They have their gardening clubs, Lions club, every club under the sun but the kids just dont fit into the plan. They simply dont have a clue. Mental illness? Behavior problems? Not their child! So of course someone has to "tell them and make them" do these things that are things we have known since our kids were 4. They arent us!

 

[klmno]

DJ, that would work fine if the people in the system who are supposed to 'do the telling' knew this stuff themselves, but in this state, they don't. They are blinder and less experienced than the parents. Remeber, I (technically, difficult child HAD) a PO who tried to order me not to take difficult child to a MDE.

It would be like if you had done all that research and made all those phone calls to see what was available for Cory, then having a 30yo PO with no kids telling you that she won't allow it.

 

[DammitJanet]

True.

At least the people I have had to deal with get with the program relatively fast once they realize which type of parent they are dealing with.

 

[klmno]

I think that is the difference- the big difference- but all of us here aren't in jurisdictions where they hire people with that kind of insight. And when that's the case, it can honestly make a parent feel like ripping a person's head off- not that I'm making a threat to a court apptd person....just saying....

You know, some school teachers 'get it' and try to tell the parent they have a difficult child; in other situations, the parent is spending tons of money and pulling their hair out trying to get the sd to get their difficult child on an IEP and actually do something useful and quit BS'ing them.

 

[DDD]

I know the situation is really complex and I worry about you and your difficult child. Don't mean to sound simplistic bur have you written down exactly what you believe is needed, why it is needed and what the consequences should be if things don't go as outlined. I don't know if it will help but I do know that "sometimes" verbal communications are easily misinterpreted and government workers (no aspersions, lol) are most often paper people. There's a chance that if you speak less and provide written documentation of needs....it might be more effective. Hugs. DDD

 

[klmno]

You slipped in on me, DDD, while I was adding some more to my last post.

To answer your question, I have told both difficult child and PO that I am going to do that and they will get the same 'letter' from me so there's is no miscommunication. Now legally, PO can toss it in the trash but legally, I can still hold firm. I have given this some time to mull it over because it does concern PO as well as difficult child. It will fall on deaf ears as far as PO is concerned because truthfully, this guy sounds like the worst used car salesman you could ever meet in your life. He planned on giving difficult child the exact same parole plan as he had last year, without even seeing difficult child's record and having any clue at all about difficult child's committing offenses, until I absolutely refused. And the whole time telling me that 'they don't do things here the way they did them at the last place". Really? Then why is the parole plan EXACTLY the same as the one he was on last year and the same as the one the new PO there planned on giving difficult child before I moved? And what changed this current opportunity? PO? NO- FUNDING!

I had written more but somehow the sentence got moved to the middle of the above paragraph- I guess I hit the laptop surface so never mind.

 

[Liahona]

This is reminding me of what JKF went through but her idiots worked at the hospital. Yours is scarier in that its the courts. How long until difficult child is 18?

 

[klmno]

14 1/2 mos and counting- not because I'm done with him then (my son), but because I'm done with these idiots in juvie court then.

 

[Liahona]

I have 6 years 3 months. Counting for about the same reasons. (Throw X in there with the court people.)

Good luck with your meeting tomorrow. At least if you have a copy of it in writing they can't pretend you never said it.

 

[buddy]

I have zero experience in this area but just wanted to let you know I am so sorry for all the idiots you have to deal with. I hope you end up with a situation you feel a tiny bit of comfort or hope. gosh, just thinking of you.

 

[DDD]

You might be wise to email him with your letter as an attachment before going to the meeting. First it would be recorded proof that it was received and secondly it would give him time (if he takes the time) to prepare for your meeting. Yeah, I know it's a bad situation but it can't hurt to treat the meeting as you would a business meeting. DDD

 

[klmno]

I don't have his email address. I can tell you I won't be signing anything tomorrow, if he expects me to. I'll be bringing a copy home with me and possibly talking it over with an attny first.

 

[Liahona]

Good luck in the meeting today.

 

[klmno]

Actually, the meeting is either tomorrow or Wed- I'll have to check my calendar. But thank you anyway!