Gifts of detaching

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by newstart, Feb 23, 2018.

  1. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    This week I have refused to do anything with my daughter. She is trying to stay in contact but I have limited that. In the past we have gone shopping together but I have not done that this week. She was going to stop over but told her we were not home. Last night she had an open house at her spa and invited us, we did not go. She has invited herself for dinner this week end but I believe we will be gone.

    I have noticed that my aches and pains feel better, my stomach is calm and I have been sleeping better. I believe she sucks the ever living soul juice out of me like a damn vampire so she can live. There is more peace at our home, my husbands face looks better and we feel more grounded. It takes strength and energy to constantly defend and shift through her non stop line of bs and lies. I am actually starting to feel better deep down and I enjoy this new strength to not tolerate her s anymore. Of course this sounds so easy but I still cry often but at least I am not getting crap tossed on me. My daughters lies actually harm my spirit and energy field, it feels as if someone is throwing acid on me.

    My bipolar mother in law was awful to me yet would not leave me alone, calling me or writing to me, sending me gifts as if that would make up for her horrid behavior. When I completely detached from her she stalked me, I finally had to write in a letter that I am completely done with her abuse and there is no way I want her in my future. It was hard for me to do this but it was the RIGHT thing to do. I did not have the deep love for her like I have for my daughter but detaching from my daughter is the RIGHT thing to do.
    I have to say that I almost ended up in the hospital after being around my bipolar mother in law. I had spent a week with her in my house and it was so horrifying, like being in a scary movie.
    Her ugly behavior was directed towards me, not my husband. Since it was directed it was controlled. She felt some sort of deep satisfaction harming me, and when she tried to harm me after I buried my son that is when I ended all communication with her. My husband and his mother had a workable ok relationship. It was then when I decided to never let someone so awful in my life.

    Actually I did not know I could blow off a family member, I always thought I had to forgive 7 times 70 and keep working on it. I was at the Dr office with my kids one time and their Dr said I looked awful, I told him about my mother in law and he said 'I don't care who the person is YOU never have to put up with their abuse. Dr. N is who really got the ball rolling for me. I went to the library and started to study and made the changes I needed to so I could survive.

    Now I am in this situation with my daughter and having to dig for the right tools to keep her at bay and not ever tolerate her abuse. I admit I get so tried of the constant battle that I let somethings go, ignore the awful lies, pay for things I should not, let her take advantage of me because I am so tried of fighting a battle with her. Not anymore, I have a renewed strength, thanking God for this strength because sometimes I feel so deep down weak. Just know that you, my sisters on this site are pulling for me and circling your wagons around me gives me strength. Once my predator daughter senses this new strength she will be forced to stop sucking my life force.
  2. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    Congratulations on your new found strength. I am not quite there but am trying. It is good that you are taking a break from her nastiness and renewing yourself. Don't slide back. You are an inspiration.
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  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I believed that too.....I was taught that a "good person" always forgives.....I thought I could "absorb" all of it somehow, I didn't realize how much I had abandoned myself.

    I had that experience when I was in a group setting with other parents of mentally ill adult kids......the therapist and the other parents would say similar things to me and honestly, it was all so new to me to even consider detaching from my only child......I had managed to detach from my bio-family members, but somehow it seemed to me that with your child you simply endlessly keep trying, keep giving, keep taking care of......fortunately, I learned differently.

    You're doing very well with your boundaries and your resolve newstart. Each step offers you more vitality, strength and peace......I know how difficult it're doing it. And, although it doesn't feel good, you are making great strides......

    We're here for you......hang in there and remember to nurture yourself, be very, very kind to yourself as you make these huge shifts....
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    I think something to remember here is that it MAY not be forever but just for right now.

    My therapist constantly tells me to live in the moment. Don't get too negative or too positive. Stay neutral.

    I'm trying to do that and constantly remind myself of overthinking everything! Maybe this is something you can focus on as well.
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  5. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Thank you.. My hope is that you will feel deep down peace with your son. I really believe unless we learn how to fully detach, not partial, that is when the deep down healing and good energy can flow. I somehow believe that our predatory children will sense and smell when we have a serious change. They know we care deeply and love them endlessly that is why the abuse continues. They have to feel and smell a deep change in us so they have no excuse for their continued abuse. It takes so much strength to make the change but the alternative is the continued emotional, spiritual, beatings.
    The madness has to end with us, their mom's. We really have to make it end and it is painful, we have not abandoned them, we still love them and continue to love them from a safe distance not get caught up in their self made BS. By the time a person is nearly 40 years old they not only need a major heave ho they need a boot planted up their A.
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  6. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Thank you so much for your guiding guidance. I am learning differently too about my daughter and God knows I have tried. My dream was to walk on the earth side by side with my daughter, helping each other, supporting each other but this person is throwing rocks and trying to poison me on this journey. I will let go of what I think should happen and what is really happening. That is where the real peace comes in, looking at life as it is not as you hope it should be. This is what it is. I have to mourn my hopes, dreams and feelings of having a healthy relationship with my daughter. She can not give me the most basic mutual respect and honestly when I realize what a S she really is, I do not want to spend any time around such a soul, it is just so sad it is my daughter and only child. To say this is painful is an understatement. I simply do not like people that act like her, in fact I avoid them. I am putting more energy into doing things in memory of my son. Constantly having to protect myself from her endless predatory ways is stupid and I have fallen pray to that to many times, that is really stupid on my part and I am working on stopping that immediately.. Making a strong list for me to look at each day and decide each day to walk on the right path from the constant abuse..Today I feel strength, tomorrow I may cry all day, and crying is good, I will cry and keep moving forward and hoping many of you that have this horrific battle will walk forward with me.
  7. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    RN0441 Your comment about about it may not be forever gave me comfort.. The problem with me is that if I get pissed off to the point of no return it is just that I am done. If I see genuine remorse in my daughter and if I see that she is making amends I may try a bit more. After I typed that I thought to myself how stupid, I know she has the predator spirit who am I kidding? I am trying to stay neutral.
  8. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Look up "radical Acceptance." It is very helpful.
  9. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Yes, being peaceful in the here and now. Acceptance of reality and things we can't control. I am getting there. Nothing feels as good a peace of mind.
    Thank you SWOT for your guidance.:laughing:
  10. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    Newstart, you have shown courage in changing and taking difficult though necessary steps to value yourself.

    I have found that more and more I am able to set boundaries to protect myself from my adult daughter's abuse, but that doesn't stop the sorrow I feel or the questioning sometimes. Because I refuse to enable or tolerate the abuse, my daughter cut all ties with her and my grandchildren - so far 6 months. Though it hurts, I can live with that because I refuse to be used and treated badly anymore.

    I know that I would not allow anyone not related to me to treat me badly, so why would I ever let my children do so. You are doing the right thing by detaching. Kudos to you.
  11. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Acacia, I am so sorry that you have not had any contact with your daughter for 6 months. When I went 3 months without contact with my daughter I kept reminding myself that at least I am not on her hellish rollercoaster ride and I am not being lied to or used and abused. It was very sad but I just could not take her any longer. Just recently I have not seen my daughter much and was starting to feel much better. I noticed my headache was better, acid reflux settled down, shooting pain in leg was almost gone. Yesterday she called me 3 times and all the pain came back. I think it is her tone or voice or line of BS that she gives me, lie after lie after lie. It is truly awful. I guess everything we do is in perspective so 6 months without your daughter is very sad but just think 6 months without the constant grief. What is harder the constant fighting and grief or the silence? I think the silence is better for the heart but that hurts too.