DavidEssex
New Member
Hello, I stumbled across this forum whilst doing on-line research and decided to sign up to ask for some advise and perspective.
I have been going out with a girl (29, we are the same age) for just over a year now. I love her very much - in fact I love her to the point where I envision her being my wife one day, and the person I spend the rest of my life with.
There has been an issue which has been a cancer on our entire relationship however - her former drug use, and her current attitude towards it.
I've never considered myself anti drugs. I've never done drugs (outside of smoking weed two times in my late teens) the concept has never interested me. I've read far too much about drugs, drug related death, drug related culture over the years from a completely objective perspective, coupled with my upbringing, for it to be something I would never want associated with my life.
Very early into my relationship with her, as a general question, I asked her if she had ever done drugs. She nervously chuckled and told me she had smoked week, done cocaine, ecstacy, MDMA, mushrooms, I believe mescaline and one or two other things I've either forgotten or repressed.
I was shocked. I was getting to know a girl I thought had such great potential and I would have never of pegged her for choosing to live a life like this. I asked myself, if she was willing to do this, what else was she willing to do in her life? Where is her moral compass set?
Cocaine stood out the worst of that list, and the image of her doing it has haunted me for a long time. It's very upsetting for me to picture. She told me she only did it one time. I always thought she was lying however, in the knowledge of my feelings. Last week I looked through her Email accounts to try and get to the bottom of a few things as it was continuing to eat me up. I saw a reference to her doing it more than once.
Upon confronting her, she said she actually did it three times. On further probing, she once did three lines in one nights, which she counts as one occasion. I have no idea about the other times - and I wouldn't necessary believe whatever she told me.
All of this was between 3 and 5 years ago. She no longer does drugs - which I do totally believe. She chalks it up to a period in her life where she experimented during her club scene days with her friends. There have been many contradictions from her over the past year about the subject leaving me with the feeling of hopelessness,. I have no idea what currently goes through her head.
She stated she never regretted the drug use, and didn't see it as a bad thing. That's hurtful for me to hear because it differs from my own outlook of values, so drastically.
Several of her friends still use drugs. The friends she used to do drugs with - I don't have a clue. I assume the attitudes haven't changed much. It's distressing for me to think of her hanging around these people who influence her life.
We had a huge argument the other night where she stated if we had children one day, and those children reached an age where they asked about rug use, she would feel happy to tell them, and warn against it. In a second I pictured the Mother of my children telling the kids Mum snorted cocaine, and it broke my heart. I told her I could no longer go forward with this relationship as I felt this issue would never be concluded unless she denounced her drug use to me - and felt such in her heart. I'm not overly religious, but I'd liken it to confessing a sin to be cleansed. The fact she doesn't consider what she did bad, will always / would always be a problem.
We live together and I have stated that I will stay away from the house for a few days in order for her to pack her stuff and leave / find a new home. In my heart I don't want her to go anywhere, I love her. I want her to stay. But my head is telling me this will be a catch 22 situation if she stayed.
She feels she can't talk to me because I'm too judgemental. I probably am in all honesty.
We considered going to see a councillor just before we decided to end the relationship. Do you think this could have gone ways to save the relationship, which otherwise is very loving and wonderful.
I'm reaching out for help here guys. Would sincerely appreciate some honest opinions to the matter.
Thank You
I have been going out with a girl (29, we are the same age) for just over a year now. I love her very much - in fact I love her to the point where I envision her being my wife one day, and the person I spend the rest of my life with.
There has been an issue which has been a cancer on our entire relationship however - her former drug use, and her current attitude towards it.
I've never considered myself anti drugs. I've never done drugs (outside of smoking weed two times in my late teens) the concept has never interested me. I've read far too much about drugs, drug related death, drug related culture over the years from a completely objective perspective, coupled with my upbringing, for it to be something I would never want associated with my life.
Very early into my relationship with her, as a general question, I asked her if she had ever done drugs. She nervously chuckled and told me she had smoked week, done cocaine, ecstacy, MDMA, mushrooms, I believe mescaline and one or two other things I've either forgotten or repressed.
I was shocked. I was getting to know a girl I thought had such great potential and I would have never of pegged her for choosing to live a life like this. I asked myself, if she was willing to do this, what else was she willing to do in her life? Where is her moral compass set?
Cocaine stood out the worst of that list, and the image of her doing it has haunted me for a long time. It's very upsetting for me to picture. She told me she only did it one time. I always thought she was lying however, in the knowledge of my feelings. Last week I looked through her Email accounts to try and get to the bottom of a few things as it was continuing to eat me up. I saw a reference to her doing it more than once.
Upon confronting her, she said she actually did it three times. On further probing, she once did three lines in one nights, which she counts as one occasion. I have no idea about the other times - and I wouldn't necessary believe whatever she told me.
All of this was between 3 and 5 years ago. She no longer does drugs - which I do totally believe. She chalks it up to a period in her life where she experimented during her club scene days with her friends. There have been many contradictions from her over the past year about the subject leaving me with the feeling of hopelessness,. I have no idea what currently goes through her head.
She stated she never regretted the drug use, and didn't see it as a bad thing. That's hurtful for me to hear because it differs from my own outlook of values, so drastically.
Several of her friends still use drugs. The friends she used to do drugs with - I don't have a clue. I assume the attitudes haven't changed much. It's distressing for me to think of her hanging around these people who influence her life.
We had a huge argument the other night where she stated if we had children one day, and those children reached an age where they asked about rug use, she would feel happy to tell them, and warn against it. In a second I pictured the Mother of my children telling the kids Mum snorted cocaine, and it broke my heart. I told her I could no longer go forward with this relationship as I felt this issue would never be concluded unless she denounced her drug use to me - and felt such in her heart. I'm not overly religious, but I'd liken it to confessing a sin to be cleansed. The fact she doesn't consider what she did bad, will always / would always be a problem.
We live together and I have stated that I will stay away from the house for a few days in order for her to pack her stuff and leave / find a new home. In my heart I don't want her to go anywhere, I love her. I want her to stay. But my head is telling me this will be a catch 22 situation if she stayed.
She feels she can't talk to me because I'm too judgemental. I probably am in all honesty.
We considered going to see a councillor just before we decided to end the relationship. Do you think this could have gone ways to save the relationship, which otherwise is very loving and wonderful.
I'm reaching out for help here guys. Would sincerely appreciate some honest opinions to the matter.
Thank You