GRANDPARENTS, HOW DARE THEY?????

[tracy551]

I have to vent!!!!! Just got a call from my mom. The queen of D'nial (spelling) She tells me she is seeing a lawyer tomorrow to get difficult child out of the boys ranch he is in. Yes I know I said I want him to come home and I would like to try anything to do that, but she is going behind my back again. She asked if I wanted to go along and I said no. She then asked if I want him home, I said I didn't know because I sort of feel he will get the help he needs.
Then, GET THIS, she says "Well I guess this will free up your summer" :grrr: :grrr: :smile: I just hung up. I'm done with her, that is the last straw!!! She enabled him so much when he was here and now she's blaming me!!! :grrr: How dare she put this on me?????
Mom or not I'm done, if she wants to know how he is let him write and tell her.
I'm so mad I could scream :mad:

 

[Dara]

I am so sorry you are having to deal with that on top of everything else. I dont really have any words of wisdom seeing as I am only at the begining stages. My son is almost 3. However, my mother in law tells us on a daily basis how it is our fault and how we are failing in every way. All I can offer is Big Hugs and support!

 

[timer lady]

I don't know what to say....you are still difficult child's legal guardian right? How is your mother doing this?

 

[Hound dog]

I'm sorry your mother is putting you thru this.

But if you are difficult child's legal guardian I don't see how she's going to be able to get him out of the ranch, lawyer or not. I mean, what's her grounds? You tried to get help for your child?

 

[tracy551]

I don't think she can do anything. I don't know alot about the legal stuff, but yes I am his legal guardian. She is only the grandmother, the one who never wanted to listen when she would go behind my back and give him money and run and buy him things when ever he called. he has even admitted to me in the past that he malipulated her.
She just doesn't get it.
I've tried for years to help my son, doctors, therapist, etc. Nothing worked, so now I'm at a point where I'm heart broken and then my own mother does this. it really feels like sh*t. (sorry)
I never turned my back on any of my boys and me being her only child she has turned her back on me.

 

[flutterbee]

{{{{HUGS}}}}} I'm sorry your mom is doing this.

 

[neednewtechnique]

Well, I know that every state is different, however, I think in Illinois, if a grandparent were going to try to go through the legal system to make any changes to a child's living arrangement without the parent's permission, she would FIRST have to make a custody case and be named the legal guardian of the child. I sincerely hope that your mother would not be awful enough to you to do something like this, but I know that a LOT of east coast states will hold a child's parents responsible for the actions of their children, disorders or not. That being said, if a custody case is required for her to do what she is trying to do, she could try to make a case against your parenting abilities based on your child's serious behavior problems. NOW, while WE KNOW that these behavioral problems our children are plagued with have NOTHING to do with our abilities as a parent, the COURT system doesn't see things the same way we do.

I don't mean to be discouraging, and as I said, I would HOPE that your mother would treat you better than that, but I think it is better to be prepared, just in case. And I am not trying to speak badly of your mom or you... so please don't take offense to that.

Our difficult child's bio mother has tried to bring up our difficult child's behavior problems in the courtroom before as grounds for trying to get custody of her daughter back, but luckily for us, we have our difficult child's therapist and psychiatrist making written and documented statements that while our difficult child DOES have some behavior problems that ARE related to bad parenting, that they were caused by HER abuse of drugs and neglect of her daughter, NOT by our parenting methods since she has been with us. These are the same pros that have been seeing her since BEFORE she came to live with us and they are also making GLOWING reports about how much PROGRESS our difficult child has made since she moved in with us....

Anyway, where I was going with that is, that I hope it doesn't come to that for you, but if it does...you would do best for yourself and your son to ensure that his psychiatrist and therapists and all others involved in his case are willing to stand up for you in court.

Good luck, I know this isn't easy for you and especially coming from someone who should be part of your SUPPORT system. We always expected that difficult child's mother would battle us in court, but coming from your mom, I am sure that it would be quite a slap in the face.

 

[wakeupcall]

Parents can be so hurtful. We try and try and sometimes our parents just don't see it because again, they don't LIVE with it day and night as we do. My mother told me over and over that there wasn't a thing wrong with our difficult child.....yea, sure. He has multiple mental health issues. I had to block it out completely or it would eat me alive. I'm sorry she's not more supportive of YOU.

 

[tracy551]

My mom has aways been critical of me and my parenting skills. Well she was not much of a parent either. I don't think she would ever go after custody. She just going to sulk in in this and she will be the one losing her other 2 grandchildren. They really don't have much to do with her now and I think she really doesn't care. That's the sad thing. She actually said at one point she was hoping that my 19 year old and his girlfriend would have a baby because she ready to spoil anther one. WHAT THE.....? Is she nuts??????? I'm telling you my mom is gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Any way thank to you all my heart still feels heavy today so I'm gonna go for now.
Have a nice day all.

 

[Sunlight]

my deceased mother in law was ant's enabler all along. she provided him money from age 13 so "he would not have to work for so little money" she knew it was for drugs. she told me time and again what a mean person I was for making him stick to rules. she had 4 kids...only one graduated high school because they didnt want to go to school.

your mother should not interfere. people wiser than her are making the decisions with your son's best interest at heart.
let her try.

it will cost her money and not get him out. it is only 6 months, not a life sentence. both you and your son need the time apart.

she does not have to be a legal guardian to hire a lawyer for anyone.

I am sorry she is causing you this pain. my mother also has been known to take ant's side over me for years. yesterday I went there and filled her in on the stuff she didnt know about her angel. reason being is that she was once more thinking I was being too harsh with him.

amazingly after all these years, she told me she agreed with me not to give ant one more cent.

hang in there hon. try somehow to let go and let this in God's hands. no one can over ride him.

 

[TerryJ2]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
She can hire a lawyer and waste her $, but as everyone here pointed out, if you are the mom and legal guardian, she would have to have custody first. So she's wasting her time and yours. And she's wasting anger and energy that could be put to good use (I'm thinking she's at least as angry as you.)
Good luck! And be sure to keep your Caller I.D. batteries fresh! :wink:

 

[hearts and roses]

Document all your mother's actions to undermine you as a parent. Document everything you have done to get your son the help he needs. If she ever does make a move to gain custody, you will be ready for your case.

If she is not your supporter, then she should back off - it's not her place to be in your business. I'm sorry she's such a rotten mother to you and an enabler for your son, whom you are trying to help. Many many hugs -

 

[guest3]

breathe two three for breathe two three four..........

I can relate my mother in law called last night and was prying info out of my husband. All she cares about is poor difficult child I and how difficult child II's behavior makes his life miserable.

Then my Dad call screaming at me because difficult child II attacked another child this past week (again) and it's my fault because I have not pushed hard enough to get a MRI done, Dad believes difficult child II could have a mass on his brain that is making him do these things, and all I talk about is how he's a liablity, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I feel your pain...................

 

[mom_in_training]

tracy551, That is crazy. I wonder if there is anything that you can file in court to put a stop to her interfearing with your efforts of doing the right thing for your difficult child. If anything she is doing more harm to difficult child by hindering or stopping any progress he has made. If it were me I would be consulting with an attorney as well as consulting with the Boys Ranch to see if you can stop her from contacting him or visa versa. Sounds like she needs to get a life and leave the raising up of her grandkids up to you the parent. I would be spitting nails and trying anything in my power to stop this woman as well as cease all contact with her. Being a loving grandparent is one thing but in this case she is like poison to you and your family.

I hope you find some resolution in stopping her from ruining your difficult children efforts and progress along with undermining you as a parent.

 

[Marguerite]

Tracy, she can't do anything. I was watching a Dr Phil program today about toxic mothers-in-law, one mother in law had said she would go to court to get her grandparent rights to have access to her grandchildren. 'Dr Phil told her, "Grandparents do not have legal rights."
And he's right - if the child is getting appropriate parental care and both parents say to grandma to stay away, a grandparent cannot get any legal access. The only way your mother could get anywhere is if she successfully sues for custody.
But from this woman's reaction on Dr Phil, I don't think she realised that. Maybe a lot of people don't - they want to think that a court would insist on the child having access to a grandparent, but they won't go against the parents' wishes.

Also, there is often more to a case than meets the eye. plus what kids tell one parent/grandparent/friend's mother is not what they tell others. We have a case in our news at the moment, where a father took his kids away for 6 weeks when the mother has custody. The courts gave her permission to appeal to the media and show the kids' faces; all we heard was that the shiftless layabout dad had stolen his kids, they would be missing their mother and there were grave fears for their safety.
The father responded on the media, after he handed the kids over to police. he said the kids were unhappy with their mother because that's what they told him; they had spent the six weeks in some very valuable physical and emotional healing and that the children's rights had not been given proper consideration by the courts. Unlike the usual cases, this father was NOT insisting on HIS rights, but referring to the needs of his children.
What is the truth in this? Probably somewhere in between, but it's going to take careful consideration and talking to those involved before any decision is made.

In legal cases to do with access and custody, it's unusual for decisions to be hasty. But it did make me wonder - what has difficult child told his grandmother? Chances are she's jumped to a totally different conclusion than you, because she's heard a totally different story. Whether it is what he said - who knows? But she sounds like she's acting under a different belief system.

Marg

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Perhaps, she really thinks she is doing the right thing. I know my mom did for YEARS with Basset Hound. she really believed she was acting in her best interest.
Your mom may know that she has no legal rights, but might be hoping to "scare" you into seeing things her way. She might really think she is that right about the situation.
Just a thought.

 

[tracy551]

This is not the first time my mom and I have had it out re:difficult child. I've told her so many times in the past when he was home to stop going behind my back with the money and everything but she kept doing it. She knows he was doing drugs, she knows he wasn't going to school, she knows about the troulbe with the law, but still she thinks he's OK.
I'll never understand. The whole time I thought I was doing the right thing trying to get him to see that this was not the way to live she would go and contradict everything I was trying to do. I don't think difficult child told her anything too different, she is just a sucker for her grandchildren. I've told her to stay out of it when I was trying to correct him (all 3 of them) but she always did stuff anyway.
I truely don't think there is any way of getting thru to her. Even when difficult child was home she hardly came by, so now that he's away she is acting like she was always here when he was home. She thinks because he cries she has to get him home, well what about all the times when I cried when I didn't know where he was at 2 or 3 in the morning, what about all the calls from the school, the police, what about all the violence, the angry hurtful words, what about me and her other 2 grandsons?????
Yes it kills me to be away from my child but what does a parent do when they can no longer help their child on their own?? We reach for help and that's what I did.

 

[Sunlight]

tracy, blow it off. she is wrong and you are right. she is always going to undermine you. period. now that you know and accept that, keep in mind when she was a mother, she did as she saw fit and would not let anyone tell her how to raise her kids. remind her that YOU are the parent and it is your turn to make decisions on behalf of your own children.
if she wont listen, dont take it personally. she will never change most likely, but you can change how it affects you. stick to your plan it is a good one.

 

[witzend]

Marg, I saw that Dr. Phil while I was at the nail salon. It was so awful and hurtful I had to bust out of there rather than listen to another moment of it! It must have been sweeps week, that woman was being sooo sensational about her former daughter-in-law.

The funny thing about court is that there are lots of laws about things, and that usually when a case comes before a judge, there is merit on both sides. Or at least a law to support each side's case. The fact of the matter is, the person with the stronger case wins. A parent is presumed to have a stronger case just from the point of being a parent.

I hope grandma has plenty of money, Tracy. What she is talking about is about $50,000. And a lawyer will want at least a 50% retainer up front.

 

[hearthope]

Want to send you hugs!

I went thru this with my mom. My son went to live with her so she could fix him because I wasn't doing it right. She and my dad were home all day and I was critizied for working too much.

Packed the clothes, video games, changed schools

He was there less than 2 weeks.....she finally saw what I was dealing with as soon as she told him no to something he wanted to do.

Hang in there You are doing the right thing