Guardianship .....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by timer lady, Feb 20, 2009.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    I'm currently being pressed by county mental health to name guardians for kt & wm should something happen to me.

    I've also been advised by my attorney (after husband's death I contacted an attorney for several issues including my will & advanced directives, etc) that I need to name guardians as well as set up an special needs trust for the tweedles.

    Having said all that, I'm struggling to find someone to take on tweedles dee & dum. My family has always been supportive however they've seen the tweedles in all their "glory. My siblings don't feel they can handle this especially since kt & wm have hit adolescence. They are aware of all it takes; everything that needs to be done on their behalf. None feel they have the time nor the "expertise" needed.

    husband's sisters refused. Personally, I'm running out of options. The tweedles will be 18 in just over 3 years - I just need things covered until then.

    Please know my family loves kt & wm - they feel they would be in over their heads. The same with husband's sisters.

    Have any of you had trouble with this issue?
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Yes, even for L., who isn't really a behavior problem. I only have my kids and they are building their own families. I'm afraid to trust them with L's care. I have found that my close friends, who have adopted, are best for the job. Sometimes it's better to go outside of the family to those who have been there/done that and aren't afraid. Any close friends in an adoptive parent group?
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Yes. We have no one other than my parents (who have done their share AND gone above and beyond for us) that we could entrust our children to. I barely know husband's sister and her husband. They made is explicitly clear when Wiz was born (long before any problems appeared) that they did NOT want to be guardians - she only wanted 1 child and they had him.

    I have a brother who would destroy my children if he had to raise them. In no way could I entrust my babies to my gfgbro. He may be technically sober, but he still rants and raves and ALL of my children distrust him.

    That is IT for our siblings. We don't have friends who would take the kids.

    husband's parents are older than mine, and they are not close to my kids. They are far closer to step-mother in law's kids and grandkids - by THEIR choice. I don't doubt they love my kids, but they are and have always been clear in their unwillingness to be guardians for them.

    husband's mother is crazy. Flat out. She is good with her animals, but she hates me and only likes husband barely. She actually has told husband that he can't visit on Christmas, etc.. in the past. I can't imagine trusting her with them.

    So we are just flat out of options. Never did have good ones.We have gone over and over it. Basically, whatever assets and insurance $$ will go into a trust for them and we will trust the court to choose guardians.

    I am sorry you are in this position. It really stinks, doesn't it?
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    We always knew we had no one to take our boys. My mom would take my oldest but never my youngest two. My dad and step-mom would never take any of them. They were simply past child rearing years.

    We just knew we could never die till they grew I dont know what would have happened if something would have happened to us.
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Same here- the only person in my family who would be able to take difficult child is my half-bro, but that would be a disaster for difficult child- for several reasons. The family that I would trust to raise difficult child would not be able to due to age, health, reasons. So, I have a short list of a few people outside the family of people I would want asked to take guardianship if something happens to me. No, I have not discussed it with those people (like I should) because it would make things to awkward. difficult child has met them. The first couple on the list are people difficult child said he would love to live with if he ever couldn't live at home and they were my first choice too.

    Other than that, he would need to be placed in foster care. That was another thing I testified about last year when difficult child wasn't in court that day because we were there about ordered treatment. Then after we covered the stuff about the custody case, I told the judge all this because I knew she and this GAL would be the ones overseeing what happened to difficult child should I be incapacitated or die. I told her that I wanted it known in front of all of them that I never wanted my family to have custody and why and that I wanted difficult child to stay in this state and be placed with a good foster family with a mom and dad, both, if the couples on my list attached to my will, could not accept responsibility for difficult child.

    I did that because I cannot trust my bro not to suddenly have my will disappear- he has done worse in his life and I KNOW he would do that. I have wondered if this had something to do with the judge giving difficult child a suspended sentence until he's 21yo, when he was only 13yo at the time. (I had also told her that my son might be one that needed parental authority until he's 21 instead of 18 due to needing psychiatric hospital care or medication management or other things pertaining to his mental health) I know she told her court reporter that all I was saying was "off-record" but the judge was doing a lot of typing on her own computer.
  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I worried about this as well, since Useless Boy's family was never on board with Miss KT's "issues".
  7. Jena

    Jena New Member

    i wonder about this as well, my difficult child is my ex husband and I, whereas easy child doesnt' know her bio; i had him give up his rights several years ago due to his chosing not to see her. I didnt' want any surprise pop ups someday etc.

    i'm sorry that their pushing you for that being their age and so close to adulthood technically. so, do you have any close friends with whom you could use to cover the next 3 years?

    sorry it is so aggrivating
  8. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Linda, this is a hard one.

    Like so many others, there is no one in my circle of family or friends who would be able to take care of difficult child. They love him, but all agree that they would be in over their heads with him.

    This was one of the big reasons for having difficult child placed in permanent adult assisted living. The mandate of the organization where he lives is to provide long-term, fully supported care for adults with mental disabilities. We are working on a special needs trust fund, to ensure that difficult child's care will be paid for, no matter what may happen to us. Family will be involved, but the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) will be his home.

    I think MWM has a good suggestion. Other adoptive parents who've been through the trenches and have a better idea of what to expect.

    Very tough decision. Saying prayers that you find an answer that's right for you and the tweedles.

  9. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Linda, this is a really difficult one.

    Rather than finding someone who is willing to take on both tweedles if necessary, do you have any family members who would be willing to be responsible for just ONE of them? If you could come up with TWO family members who would each agree to assume responsibility for ONE of the kids, maybe that would work?
  10. Janna

    Janna New Member


    I was thinking along the same lines as Donna. Maybe if you could get one set of family to take wm and one set of family to take kt. Together, I'm sure their "glory" is intensified, and although they are both a challenge, individually I'd imagine it would be somewhat less stressful (I know here it is, with my kids - D is an angel when he's alone LOL).

    I pray to the Lord every day nothing happens to me. SO would take the boys, I know. DEX is a waste of air - and would be nothing more than detrimental to the children's well being, but I have nothing legally binding that would keep my boys with SO (I need to work on that, don't I?).

    Something I hardly think about. I wish I had something useful for you. Thank you, though, for putting this into my head.

  11. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    We wrote our will with my mother becoming guardian of our younger 3. Likely she would take the boys and Piglet would go to my sisters (they live about 1 mile from each other) but we didn't want to force my sister into anything as she has 3 littles of her own. But we "left" Kanga to the State due to no guardian being identified that was willing to take her.
  12. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Linda, nobody thinks they can handle it until they are forced to. Having said that, I would not feel right forcing my child on someone that did not want her either.

    I have no suggestions. Just HUGS!
  13. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    When bonehead and I were still together, we chose my cousin for guardian of the children. Even though she has no children, she has the compasion, love, understanding, and resources for the job.

    Now, if something were to happen to me, difficult child would end up with bonehead. I've already had the talk with easy child about looking out for him should something happen to me!!

    It's difficult Linda, especially for you. It will probably have to be the same arrangement as now - family with seperate addresses. Someone to take (phyically) kt, and someone else to advocate and care for wm as he continues in placement.

    Hugs my friend,
  14. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Hi linda, it's always a worry.
    I would never ask anyone to live with difficult child but they are willing to handle the management of his needs. Hopefully he will be in a permanent adult living arrangement. Now that both are over 18, easy child will manage difficult child's affairs but is under no obligation to live with difficult child. I wouldn't do that to anyone I love. My only request is that they do not allow difficult child to live on the streets.
    It's hard to make choices for an adult difficult child who we know will destroy families and relationships because of their constant neediness.
    I know I'm guardian to my siblings kids but I wouldn't want to take on a difficult child now that I know what that entails.
    Asking family to manage the affairs of a difficult child is a little easier than living with them. They may be willing to do that.
  15. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    We're fortunate that my cousin and her husband have agreed to be Duckie's guardians. My cousin has health issues, four kids and her husband is a workaholic but... they love her. They live out of state and Duckie fits exactly in the middle of their children. My cousin is an RN and is well aware of Duckie's issues and has always been supportive. I also know they would always make an effort for Duckie to spend time with husband's family.
  16. C.J.

    C.J. New Member


    I had to do this as I have never been married, and I wanted N* to know that if somethng did happen to me, there was a plan in place, and she knew what would happen. I asked some dear friends - married, with children, if she could live with them in the event I died. I wanted N* to experience a loving couple, working together to raise a family as an example to her. They agreed - and did the happy dance when she turned 18 last summer. LOL!!

    I'm sure you've met someone along your journey who admires you for what you're doing for your family, and would be willing to sign on to see to the tweedles needs. It doesn't have to be a family member.
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    What makes it especially hard is when you know your child will not be self-sufficient as an adult and will always need somebody to advocate for him. We chose friends who are twenty years younger than us and we are looking at assisted living arrangements too for L. 18 won't be a magic age for him. To be honest, I don't even think N. will be ok with parents at that age. 18 is still awfully young...
  18. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    For us, the woman we truly would trust our kids with was suddenly divorced by her now-ex. She has had multiple times over the last 7 years where she was facing homelessness. So she really is not a candidate. AND she is in a different state, which would present a problem to my change=averse children.
  19. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    I have run through all the people I can think of. I'm going to ask the attorney if I could appoint a advocate/guardian & then a physical guardian (unfortunately may be the county - foster care).

    As has been mentioned somewhere, I too am looking for adult group or assisted living facilities for kt & wm. If I knew that there was someone looking out for their needs, etc I would rest easy.

    In the meantime, nothing best happen to me. Actually if it were to happen I'd have more of a chance as family would step in because they had to .... there would be no choice.
  20. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    I know when I had my 2nd 2 kids I couldn't even find someone to babysi. when husband was in hospital hospital was frustrated cuz they wanted me there & I had noone to simply watch my kids. when I also got sick my county didn't believe me & tried calling my family - with no success. when my kids were in school I wound up making up a name for alternate emerency contact & putting my cell # there cuz our scool required contact & I had noone. mostly I just hope & pray. a lot.