Had to ask difficult child to leave..

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by missy44, Sep 30, 2009.

  1. missy44

    missy44 New Member

    HI all,

    As some of you know, my difficult child has been home with my husband and i for about 5 months now. He has been diagnosed with depression, has a psychiatrist that he sees regular, but also has a drug problem that I feel has been brushed under the carpet because everyone says that it's the depression he's masking.

    Well, things were going relatively well, we had bumps along the way, but he had put on 40 pounds (was 35-40 pounds underweight following an 8month drug spree when he left home the first time), he got a job, he registered and began attending college again (social work - seemed really excited), had a straight laced girlfriend, my husband and I were becoming hopeful and letting our guard down. First, he got fired for calling in sick. We were angry, but then we worked with him and he got a new job. He knows that he has a winter term tuition coming up and we made it clear we weren't paying, he had to work... Well, he went to his first two shifts and then didn't show for the 3rd, so he lost that job as well. He also broke up with his girlfriend and disappeared for 5 days. Well, needless to say, he returned to the old crowd and partied for 5 days straight.

    I'm so upset, disappointed, sad, angry, etc... He showed up last night and I told him that we have done everything we can but that we won't put a roof over his head anymore so that he can just break the rules and ruin his life. He needs in house treatment, I know this. I'm going to alanon and this is really helping me realize that I can't fix him. I love him so much but I can't fix him. I hate this.

    I gave him a 12 page print out of all of the shelters in our city, places where he can find meals, drug counselling services and so forth. I told him that when he is ready to get a true assessment and he's ready for "real" help (which he's going to need when he's homeless) that we would be there for him.

    In the meantime, the girlfriend has taken him in. At least I know he's safe and he's not using anything. It amazes me how he can stay away from drugs for months and then just blow everything off at the drop of a hat.

    My son is so smart and in my heart i feel that I will have him back someday. I don't know why I feel this, I just do, but this is so painful. When the girlfriend throws him out (which will happen) and he has nowhere to go I"m hoping it will push him to get the help he so desperately needs.

    Please send warm wishes to him...

  2. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I'm so sorry. been there done that--Trust me, these kids are resilient. He will survive without you. He did it for 5 months before. I put my difficult child out the day after Mother's Day. He can NEVER live in my home again. He is still smoking pot, but is working every day and paying his own way---most of the time. He calls to check in several times a week and husband and I go out to eat at his restaurant once a week. I love him so much, but I have realized that it is his life and he has to live it his way. But, I have a right to live peacefully in my home too.
  3. missy44

    missy44 New Member

    It has been a rollercoaster ride for about a year and a half now and as sad as I am, I am looking forward to some peace... I'm learning.

    I hope he gets the help he needs and he knows we're here for him when he's ready to do that. I know he'll be back again at some point, but husband and I have made our minds up that it can't happen again. He can't live here. He needs help that we can't provide.

    You're so right, kids are resilient and my difficult child is capable of many things. He'll find his way eventually. I just hope he takes the right path, but that will be his choice. If it were my choice, life would be alot easier.

    Take care all and thanks for being here. I was looking back over my past posts, I can't believe where we've been, where we went and where we are again.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Oh, Missy!!! So very sorry hon!!!

    But you're right, you can't fix him, he has to want to fix himself and be willing to do the work to make it happen.

    Doesn't make it any less painful to watch them self destruct, though.

  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm really sorry too. Once they "go back" to the friends...ugh. That seems to do it. I do want you to know that my daughter quit about three times and went back before she finally quit. Druggie peers can put a lot of peer pressure on your son. They would NOT leave my daughter alone.

    We finally sent her out of state.

    Take heart. He has some wonderful traits and skills and I believe also that one day he will quit. (((Hugs)))
  6. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I just want to pat you on the back and tell you how proud I am of you for making this decision. I know it's very hard, and it took a LOT of strength on your part. Hugs.
  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so sorry Missy. I am just about in the same place you are. difficult child is flunking college and will be back home by Christmas. We have made it clear to her that she cannot live here and needs to get a place of her own. I am sure I will have to actually kick her out when the time comes.

    The older I get the more I don't understand how kids can give up their lives when they have everything going for them. I grew up with struggles that were not my own doing, but I worked hard and I made it. Why do our difficult child's throw their lives away when they have all the support in the world from us.

  8. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    I'm so sorry to hear this, Missy. It's wrenching to have to watch while our difficult children make bad choices. We can only say, I'm here, I'll help when you're choosing positive things - and grit our teeth because it's tough to wait them out. And bad friends are the worst - environment, influence, everything. We could have sent our difficult child back to his college; they would have taken him back; but we knew if we sent him to the same place, with the same kids around him, he'd fall right back into the same behaviors. He's very susceptible to environment.

    Sending hugs and warm thoughts your way, and wishing you peace.
  9. missy44

    missy44 New Member

    Thanks everyone. I'm relieved, but torn inside at the same time. Today, he was supposed to have an appointment with his psychiatrist, I just pray he went and the psychiatrist sees how bad he really is. But, I have no way of knowing and I'm not going to seek the answer. When he wants help he'll come to me.

    I still have pretty much everything he owns in our home, I'm dreading when he just "pops" in to get it all. He'll most likely beg to come home and I'll have to turn him away again.

    Part of me can't help but worry that by pushing him out the door I"m ruining his life. I'm hoping alanon will help me with those feelings. I keep double guessing my decisions at times.

    Thanks for being there for me everyone...

    I also try to remember that there are others out there with problems far more serious than ours... that sometimes helps.
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry. Somehow it seems worse when the difficult child's have proven potential and blow it away...literally. Sending hugs. DDD
  11. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    As another who has been there done that I am so sorry that you are in this position. You are doing well and Alanon has given you many tools to help you through the rough times ahead. Life does go on for us and we have a right to make it as good as it can be regardless of what our difficult child's are up to.
  12. missy44

    missy44 New Member

    Hi all,
    I always hope that I have something positive to contribute, but that's not the case this time.

    difficult child is still out of the home (and that's not going to change). He is using and selling drugs again. He admits to using pot, so I know that there is more involved, and he doesn't admit to selling (he thinks that selling for someone else, to your friends isn't selling). He quit his jobs (yes he had 2) and he quit school. He owes numerous people large amounts of money and he's very depressed about his life. He has stopped by a few times to pick up clothes, etc... and each time I would bet my life he was on something. I told him if he wants help he knows what to do.

    He's saying that he is going to Alberta to live with his dad, I hope this happens, but have made it clear to my ex that this isn't something he can fix. If difficult child goes out there he still needs some type of programme.

    My husband and I are still going to Alanon (not enough though), it seems we have a reached a point where we know there is nothing we can do. We are enjoying our other children and trying to live a normal life without difficult child. We're still here for him when he is ready for "serious" intervention, unitl then, we're moving on.

    I still suffer and wonder if I have done everything that a mother should do. I think that's normal...

    I've been reading many posts and have not felt strong or qualified to offer any help. I want to help others on this board as others have helped me.

    Take care,
  13. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    I'm so sorry, Missy. {{{hugs}}} You've definitely done everything that's possible for you to do, and you know the next step is up to difficult child - and it's still hard. No loving parent can watch a child make terrible choices and mess up his/her life without suffering. It sounds like you're getting support from Alanon and I hope you know you have lots of support here on this board.

    It's really good that you've been able to communicate with your ex and let him know the real situation. If difficult child goes to Alberta at least ex will have his eyes open.

    Lots of hugs and warm thoughts. Glad you're enjoying your other children and the peace at home.
  14. emotionallybankrupt

    emotionallybankrupt New Member

    This process of in and out, and the uncertainty over when difficult child would want to come by for another armful, was keeping me tense all the time. So...I decided one weekend (without telling her what I was doing, of course), to go through and box everything I considered to be hers and put it into storage. This has its rough spots emotionally, but I'm so glad I packed it all up myself. It gave me a chance to "rescue" irreplaceable, sentimental items (photos, especially) to box and store safely away here at home, in hopes she will one day grow up. It also gave me a chance to find in all her clutter a few things she had accused me of taking from "her" room. I of course boxed and labeled those things VERY prominently. I had known the whole time they were there, but access to the bedroom was always a territorial fight.

    In the end, I thought of a friend who had extra garage space and has been in a tough financial spot lately. I asked if she would like to be the "storage facility" and let me pay her instead. The deal was for me to pay her for 30 days storage and tell difficult child that she would have to either make arrangements to get it all within that time or pay for storage beyond that time frame.

    My friend loved the idea, and she is the personality to be able to put the boundaries on difficult child nicely but firmly with no trouble, as far as rules of access. When the time came, I let difficult child know she had no more things here anymore and would have to call and arrange with this other person (that difficult child knows very well too) to get "her" stuff. difficult child was stunned that I had moved it all--furniture too--and even more stunned to realize that she no longer had reason to come by the house.

    As for me, I can't describe the calming effect, to know that there would be no more spur of the moment appearances at the house. Also, I was able to figure out how to put that room into good use, totally different, and no longer just a blatant reminder of the absence. I felt SO much better immediately, and I think it was a very healthy and concrete step toward my own moving forward with my other child.

    By the way, in the brainstorming process my first thought was to put the stuff in a storage unit, pay for a set amount of time, and turn over the keys to difficult child with the understanding that after that point she'd be responsible for either getting or losing the stuff. Very bad idea, a friend pointed out to me. If anything illegal ever turned up in there and the storage unit was in your name, you might not be able to get out of the bind. The friend who let me in on this piece of wisdom knew of a parent who actually went to jail for a short time for such a circumstance.
  15. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Wow, EB - great idea, and great advice re the storage unit! I wouldn't have thought of that. Scary. But the plan you carried out with a 'private' storage facility and redoing your difficult child's room is great. I've done something a bit similar in that I've taken over difficult child's room for use with my cattery. His furniture is still there but it was never intended that he take it, it's too big; but his things are boxed and out of sight. I also put away our formal portraits of him as a little boy, not permanently but for now, while it's so painful to look at what was and then think about what is. I kept his current pics out on display as that's not so painful.
  16. emotionallybankrupt

    emotionallybankrupt New Member

    This has been an interesting process for me in that I've not been able to anticipate moves in advance, as far as my wants and needs are concerned, or as far as what I'm going to do. I fully planned to take over that bedroom for my own use somehow, as well as to repaint, replace curtains, everything new, new, new. Then when the time came, I felt completely different. I chose that paint and I chose those curtains, and I like them! The wallpaper border matches, and I like it too! I decided that was a lot of extra work for me to change it since I liked what I had. The only thing I did to the room itself was to have somebody repair the door, which difficult child had split top to bottom in a rage one night.

    I was glad to get rid of the bedroom furniture. difficult child's dad had picked it out especially for her when she was a little girl, and I never considered keeping it. I was ruffled at the time that my dear ex (husband at that time) just went out and bought it without my being involved in the choosing or even knowing he was looking for a replacement for what was there. I simply came home to find the bedroom newly furnished. Even though I really liked his choice, I never quite got over not being involved in the shopping. Funny how those slights never completely go away! That's been more than 10 years ago!

    As far as the room, I realized that what would help me most was to do something to give my other child a perk and a smile. Bedrooms in my house are small, so I let her choose one room to be her "bedroom" and one to be her "playroom." She's had a blast. I also let her pick out a new theme for the bathroom she and her sister had used, to make it totally different and all her own. I think this approach has helped BOTH of us much more with the adjustment process than my "Plan A" would have, and in both cases I thought of it and did it in the time span of a day or two.

    All these moves are very inconsistent with my typical personality. I usually have to think any decision through for a long time for making a move. I'm not sure what that's all about, or what I'm likely to do next for that matter!

    I think the theme may be that I am continuing to learn to trust my instincts more than I ever have in the past. Looking backward, that's probably the main change I would make in my decisions through the years. I've almost always regretted the times I failed to go with my gut instincts.
  17. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    It seems like there are some positives here. If he continues to stay with- the straight laced girlfriend, chances are she will NOT like him doing drugs and discourage him from doing so. Also, she will EN courage him to get a job and do well in school. You might continue to offer him counseling and medical care, but stay out of other things (for now). If he decides to move in with his Dad, you can always suggest to Dad that counseling service be offered where he is and offer to pay for all or at least part of it. Can you put all his stuff in one room and free up another room? Storage does sound like a good idea. husband and I got good help from a group called Famly's Anonymous. For whatever reason, it might be a better fit for you than Al Anon. In the mean time, explore what you personally like in life and do that as best as you are able.
  18. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I know you're hurting and for that pain I am so sorry. You should be proud of yourself for doing your absolute best as a parent!!!! Someday it would be my hope for your son that he sees what he is doing to himself and his relationship with you and his Dad and humbly ask your forgiveness.

    In the meantime work on forgiving him and do the best you can to move forward in your life with things that make you happy. Not easy when you have the nagging "what is he doing now" scenario in the back of your head.....belive me I know, but a work in progress.

    Use this time to enjoy your husband and find things YOU and he like to do.

    Much love and understanding coming your way.