Hard times.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Copabanana, Jul 10, 2018.

  1. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    My son told me this a couple hours ago, when he stood outside my car. (To follow.)

    We would not let him in to shower. He said everybody had been telling him he smelled. He cannot bear being dirty.. He said he had blisters on his feet and I believe him. His beard had greyed in 4 days. He had a boil on his chin under his beard. He looks like the worst street person. He has not changed his clothes or bathed since we kicked him out.

    I would not drive him anywhere. Nine days ago we told him to leave our property (the other one.) I went to the police and filed a letter of trespass as he was squatting in the yard. Two times this week the police came, as he refused to leave my house, and made suicidal statements. He forced his way into my house. I told him I am afraid of him. I was on the brink of filing a restraining order.

    The reason we (finally) made him leave our other property is that he refused to pay rent. Well he had always resisted. He wants all his money for marijuana, cigarettes, energy drinks, etc.

    There is a repetitive cycle: he is arrogant, domineering and aggressive the first part of the month when his ssi check comes. Within 12 days all his money is gone. He becomes humble and conciliatory. He promises to pay rent on the first. He says he will divide his money on four cards so his money lasts the month. We have helped him, but less and less. The promised changes never happen.

    He has cycled downwards. Every bit of help I have given has helped him go down. I offered to pay a private psychologist. I have urged him to do a smorgasbord of beneficial things. You know the drill. All the want is mine.

    So this is what he told me:

    It started this way.

    I am going to the big city to get treatment. I will not return here for a long time.

    When I would not drive him where he wanted to go he said this:

    You are not my mother, (inserting my name.) I never want to talk to you again. I don't want your money when you die. I never want to see you again. I will never forgive you for adopting me.

    And he walked away.

    He trashes us to people. We were told he had been plotting to force us to evict him. He lies to the police that he paid rent on my house.

    I have read stories like mine dozens of times. I know that I have tried too hard. I have left no stone unturned. He is uninterested in changing. M says he does not believe my son is anywhere close to wanting to change.

    Why is my heart broken? When will I ever not feel this heartbreak?

    I am very sad.
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    Last edited: Jul 10, 2018
  2. Pink Elephant

    Pink Elephant Well-Known Member

    Copa. I know it's small change to say to you that I will be keeping you and your son in my thoughts and prayers, but being so far away from you that's all I have to give.

    (((Sending a warm hug of support your way))).
  3. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hugs, Copa.
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sending prayers and warm wishes for you and your son.
    It is a hard, hard path we are on, I am so sorry for your heartbreak.
    You're not alone, we're all here with you....
    Take care of your tender heart, be so very kind to yourself.
  5. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I am sorry for your pain. It is very hard and our children lash out at us because they are not getting what they want. I have been dead to my son, told i owed him because i chose to bring him into the world and that i would never see him again. I know how hard that is. I truly don't believe they mean it deep down. Please take care of yourself do things you enjoy. Maybe this will turn him around.
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  6. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    Your heart is broken because you care. Because even though he treats you horribly, you still feel responsibility and love for him. I wish we could help these troubled people. Unfortunately we can't help those who will not help themselves.
    Prayers and hugs from my heart to yours.
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  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    My heartbreak is for me. But I am still so wanting that he change and be safe. That he live.

    I know I have no control. How many times have I posted to others that we have no control? That we must stay in our own lane, on our own paths out of their way? Pure words.

    How will I get through this?

    For a couple days I will have some relief, when he leaves our town. After that will start the agony. It is good his phone does not work. But I know I will try to reach him. I will be desperate with fear.

    I will have to pretend I am withdrawing from a drug, detoxing. I will have to live an hour at a time, a day at a time.. I will have to tell myself this is a dying and rebirth for me, of a sort. How will I live through this?

    Why is it so much harder this time? Is it because I am finally facing reality?

    M said this: to come near us again, to have our support again, he will have to complete a one year program. I wanted to say. What about 6 months?

    Give me a break. I am such a loser
  8. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, Copa.

    Stay close to the boards these next few days and weeks.

    It will help.

    You arent alone.

  9. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I am sooooooo sad for you, Copa. I know how much those words must hurt. And of course it is a typical pattern of the kids that bring us here.....you stopped giving him what he wanted. That is the crux of it. I dont believe he hates you or doesnt think of you as his mother. It is just extra fodder that adopted kids can use when they are angry at us. Its powerful too.

    But if you offered him all that he wanted from you right now, he would suddenly change his tune. He is angry that you think he can do better and have set boundaries. Yet you have done nothing but love him. Everyone here knows this.

    I dont believe he is gone forever. And maybe this will result in a good change. It is often the darkest before there is suddenly light.

    I know this isnt important right now but I send my prayers and light and love and hope you turn to M., who loves you, to help you get through this. He is a strong man. Let him help you. But....he is not in charge of the boundaries you set for your son unless you agree with him.

    Please take care. You are not a loser. You have never ever been a loser. If you ever felt like a loser, it was a cognitive distortion, not in any way real. Go to AA if that helps you. Do anything that helps. And check in often so that we can help.
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    Last edited: Jul 10, 2018
  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Thank you everybody. Thank you swot. I keep rereading your posts. It helps.
  11. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I’m so sorry.

    Too much and yet it is what it is.

    We have to be strong.

    Our daughter loves to trash us as well. Did it recently in our own home and made everyone uncomfortable.

    What the heck is this?

    I had a weird, little medical procedure that was very painful today. I drove to a doctors office I never met before, did the procedure and left. Ironically, I was kinda proud of myself. Crying and all. Apparently, we are stronger than we think.

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    Last edited: Jul 10, 2018
  12. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    My dear Copa the sting in your eye and the arrow in your heart are palpable with every work you write.

    There are no answers to the questions you ask. There is life after pain and a separation of child and self.
    I know the pain of those words your son spoke. My i n sons last works before 30 days in isolated rehab with only 1 phone call a day ....to us ....wish it hadn’t been us. Hisbterna if you endearment went something like this
    the pain the grief and the reality of it all is so very painful.
    I wish I could find a magic eraser and take all of our pain away. I know I can’t.

    I reached for tools to help me survive. One was this amazing site. I read everything I could get my hands on, I joined Naranon and I slowly ever si slowly began to detach...with love and regain me.

    I was swalled whole by my son and his addiction.

    I am in a better place, and granted so is he for the present time.

    Wh n he wasn’t I learned to wade through the pain and find a way for myself to thrive.

    RE introduced me to Pima and her works. They were some very valueless tools that helped me gain perspective and survive.
    If this link does not work please let me know. This woman truly spoke to my heart and helped me heal.

    One day at a time and what food did worry every do?

    I keep you in my thoughts and my version of prayers.

    Some times the most loving thing we can do is to not help them kill themselves.

    I remember reading Gabor Matte’s work and throwing it down out of anger, how dare he say my sone was in pain...from what?! How dare he suggest this. And the reality is, it is my sons pain and he is in pain. He needs to msnGevrhis Journey.

    If love could cure this none of us would be here.
    I wish so much that I could take you from n where you are emotionally to a place of calm understanding and love. As impossible as this may seem. It is doable.

    So many here helped to teach me this.

    Stay strong and remember. Nothing changes is nothing changes.
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  13. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    Copa I’m so sorry to hear this. You aren’t a loser. You’re a mother. I sentence you to one Hail Mary so you can be done with the self flogging. You didn’t set him up for this or set him back. My only thought is this. If you prop him up he’s not the crumpled mess that he may only be capable of right now or ever. And you dont get a chance to accept and love that guy. And he doesn’t get a chance to love or hate that guy.
  14. startingfresh

    startingfresh Member

    Oh Copa, I am so very sorry for your pain. You write clearly and convey it so well that I feel it. I too would have that little thought nagging in the back of my head, of giving just a smidge more. I think we all do. Maybe giving one more time in a different way will help. Even though we know we have to stop. Even though time and time again they show us that we must. The words hurt so much. It has helped me immensely to read here how so many of these sons/daughters lash out in the same way. I thought my son was unique when he would trash me with words that cut so deeply. Just learning that others did the same, helped me realize it was the sickness or drugs talking or his own self loathing.

    I pray for peace for you and that you will get through it, one minute one day at a time. You are so strong as I can tell from all the amazing compassionate advice and time you give to others here. Warm hugs.
  15. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, Copa. I think most (if not all) of us here have been on the receiving end of those horrible words. My son used to use the most graphic language to describe how he would die, or he would make veiled threats by asking about my brother's suicide and how guilty I must feel about it. It was beyond cruel. I have a hard time believing it was him now.

    It's so hard to remember the words aren't directed at us, given how they hit their target so effectively. The words are directed at their attempts to control, or dissipate some of their self-loathing...borne out of the illogical worldview of whatever drug they're taking, or their inability to see beyond their anger...maybe also terror as they are forced to contemplate taking on their own challenges?

    I can definitely hear terror in his words. He's like the little boy who screams as he runs away, "And you'll never hear from me again!"

    We have to detach from it, the way we detach from a difficult patient or a difficult client or a driver consumed by road rage. Then we have to let them work through it.

    You've done such a great job with that, Copa. Keep being the strong and loving mother you are, by letting him work through this. He just might surprise himself, and won't that be a wonderful day for him?

    Oh, and by the way...YOU a LOSER?! Oh, Copa. You pour your heart into everything you do. You have done so much for your son, and when you saw how detrimental it was, you poured your heart into changing the patterns. Stay strong, and be good to yourself.
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  16. youngfool

    youngfool Member

    Hi copa you probably don't remember me but I have been following you and a few others who helped me in my time of crisis I feel your pain in my soul I understand your feelings and wish I had a answer I know when it gets to the point of outright pain the only thing that seems to help is reading post here somehow knowing that others are going through the same thing yet different is helpful I myself am in yet another crisis and I've come to believe it will never end I hope you find a place of some peace with you and m I know all the words in the world can not make you whole again but I strive for bits and pieces of sanity and peace seems to come and go whenever my phone rings my heart skips a beat is it him what now I spent my entire day yesterday trying to give him some help and in the end I blew up at him he doesn't deserve my help and I know the outcome but I still hurt sometimes I think I would like to be one of those uncaring people and just go on not worrying about anyone but for some reason the world is full of caring people like you please take care of yourself and m time seems to help keep reading
  17. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Thank you all. my quote machine does not work with this cell or I would respond to each of you in detail and individually with great thanks.

    I had suppressed this part until I read albatrosses post:

    He said he would kill himself in the next few days, describing how he would seek a method where he would not suffer. How ironic that he seeks with such virulence to inflict the keenest suffering upon me.

    I want to single out an idea i got from your posts that I find hopeful/fearful.

    The thing is, if I let go of the illusion of control, I, we are at the cusp of agony/ecstasy and peril/possibility and crisis/opportunity.

    Is it not the human condition that we insulate ourselves from reality because the precipice is so terrifying?

    There is no growth without risk. Entering the no man's land. Of course I can see this, on an intellectual basis. But I am operating as a wet, reflexive, reactive undifferentiated blob or mass. Unfortunately.

    But if I get a bit if distance, thank you for that, I see:

    There is no real love, without facing reality.

    There is no real compassion if I keep needing to prop myself up through lies and self deception. And from that can emerge true love. I keep insisting he can walk and run if he just tries. There is a real cruelty in this. Unintentional. But cruel nonetheless. But he deserves the chance to try. Propping does not help.

    I am thinking of the movie, the miracle worker, here. Where is the real cruelty? With the parents and their suffocating pity, or the teacher and her insistence upon freedom?

    In reality there is no downside to allowing him to construct his own life by his own efforts. Because this is what will permit truth to emerge. He will build that truth. And I guess so will I.

    I think that is what you are saying, Sam. It is very hard and very painful.

    My mental makeup is not so helpful. I fall into denial and constant diffuse anxiety. I tell myself that the problem is him, not me. I know the truth.

    Thank you.
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2018
  18. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry Copa for your broken heart.
    Your story could be mine. Except for the bathing part. Rain once lamented to me that she has to bath with a bucket in the park bathroom, rats running through the walls. She had a massive infection on her leg, and refused medical care. It as if she wore that like a badge, and it grieved me to the core, especially given hubs battle with infection. Is it intentional? Do they mean to flagrantly torture us with their consequences, bemoan them, not change, but expect us to step in to the rescue? I think so. It is a silent statement “Look at me, this is all your fault.”

    Relationship patterns. Someone has to break those cycles, they won’t. However painful, it has to be us.

    I could wear the T-shirt. What I have learned is to stop. It seems the more I suggested, the more they resisted. So, instead of talking to them about it, I ask in my prayers.

    Threats, he knows how to poke your eye.

    Again, eye poking. Trying to stir up the pain in you, to get a reaction.
    I am sorry. This is not surprising to me, as my two have done the same. More blame throwing and excuses. They are not in their right mind. They give over their responsibility so they don’t have to change. Do they convince themselves? Maybe for a time. But, truth is a smoldering ember inside. The more it goads them, the more they make up to excuse their choices.

    It is hard to witness and let go. It is hard to do nothing. The effort you put in is for you to be able to look yourself in the mirror. No one can fault anyone here, for trying to save our beloveds from themselves. We have all been there. I see M changing his tune a bit. I remember an older post where he felt that you both must keep working at helping your son. In the long run, they must want to change. I feel in my case, the more I tried, the deeper they got.
    I am so sorry Copa. It is a heap laid upon us. You are stronger than you know. A good, solid, wise, beautiful soul. Take the time you need to feel what you feel.
    Try not to write the end of the story.
    Miracles happen every day.
    Big hugs.
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  19. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Oh Copa - I wish it was easier and better. You are wise... most definitely not a loser. We love our sons and so we do what we can. You are right we have absolutely no control and remembering that is key I think. The best thing is for you to do things to take care of yourself and to enjoy your life. Sometimes it means just going through the motions but keep living.

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  20. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    I feel so bad for you, Copa.

    It's so hard.

    Do whatever you think you need to do to feel better. Go to a therapist. Go to your PCP and get on some pharmaceuticals. Get out with friends. Take a vacation with your SO. Redecorate a room. Read a book. Post some more.

    I've done all the above, and more. And it's helped a lot. Really and truly, it has.

    A friend of mine once told me, "Don't let him kill your happiness. Don't let him ruin your life. If you do, HE WINS!"

    Try not to let him win!

    ❤️ Daze
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