My duaghter had a therapist I adored and completely respected. He said something once that I took to heart. "A spanking hurts until the rear quits stinging. Words stay forever." I didn't spank or even swat often, but there were times it was the only thing that got her attention. Did I like it? Nope? Did I feel like crud after? Yup. But it certainly beat telling her what a rotten child she was -- something she had heard over and over by her biomom, her biomom's friends, her foster parents.
Tink KNOWS you love her. There is no question in that little girl's mind. That is way more important than whether you raised your hand to her. Heck, that's even more important than whether you said something mean to her (we all have and all we can do is apologize after the fact).
Hon, your biggest problem is your little one rules your roost. You love her so much you're afraid to hurt her feelings, you're afraid of her bullying. Sadly, the more you let her bully (and her whining and arguing is a form of bullying), the more she will do it. It ain't easy but you've got to find a way to become the boss of your own home. Tink needs to figure out she's the little girl and you're the mom. That means YOU decide what goes on the baker's rack. You decide when it is time to go to camp. You even get to decide what to fix for meals. You make the rules. She's stuck following them. She may kick and scream, but she's still stuck. As I said, it ain't easy but somehow, someway, you gotta do it. And, as awful as this sounds, if it means you have to swat her bottom occasionally, then swat it.
Tink so reminds me of mine at that age. She really did think she was the boss of the house. Sadly, I let her think that. I loved her so much and wanted to make up for all of the awful things that had happened to her that my only goal was to make her happy. Her therapist sat me down and made it abundantly clear that I was doing the worst thing possible for my child. My job was to turn her into a responsible, productive adult, not a spoiled brat that expected the world to give her anything. It was amazing how that speech helped me start making changes.
And you're right. If something happens to you, no one is going to love Tink as you did. That doesn't mean she won't be loved. It just won't be the same love nor will the parenting be the same. Strangely, she will survive even if you don't. I know that's hard to believe but that's the way life works.
I know you don't believe it right now, but you are truly an awesome mom. Your little girl loves you. More importantly, she knows you love her. If you don't know what a gift that is, watch children who have been abused or adopted after the age of 3. They don't know they're loved. They try to do anything to be loved, but they're never sure they are. Yours is. Barring walking out the door and never coming back, you're not going to change the fact that Tink is assured of your love. She may vocalize otherwise, but her actions scream of being a beloved child.
For now, sweetie, many many HUGS. From me, your other friends here, even from Tink.
P.S.: Tink's lucky you're her mom, not me. She would have gotten another swat for standing at the door and screaming. I don't tolerate controlled temper tantrums real well.
