Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ZebaC, Dec 4, 2016.

  1. ZebaC

    ZebaC New Member

    Family background – We're from the UK, I’m a teacher, my husband was a communications and PR exec, is now living away from home while training to be a teacher. We have two sons – S the 19 year old, ADD, graduated high school, currently working, has applied to university, and H, 13, calm, steady and doing fine.

    We’ve had a very rough time with S since he was 13/14. We lived in Brussels, Belgium at the time, and he resisted his diagnosis of ADD, was also very oppositional. He started going on facebook and began taking drugs (mainly weed), having sex, telling lies, staying out very late, and when confronted or challenged in any way, became violent and abusive. When he was 16, we moved to a small rural island, and he had a great school, but he continued with the emotional ups and downs – was very extreme, sometimes violent, breaking doors, windows, pushing and hitting, swearing, abusive, disrespectful. He has hit and punched his little brother. He always accuses us of pushing him too far, and ‘making’ him do the things he does. He drinks excessively – he’s stolen booze from us, bought and drunk bottles of vodka, and the latest is that he is buying pills from someone here on the island.

    Today, I threw him out. I discovered his girlfriend is pregnant, and that he took her pregnancy test and put it on facebook and joked about it. I found out that he had used $250 to buy drugs which he should have paid to me in rent/paid back to his girlfriend’s father. I discovered that his girlfriend is dumping him because he keeps lying to her just like he lies to us. I just couldn’t have him in the house any more, because if I did, I felt I was just enabling him and letting him believe that his awful behaviour was in some way without consequences. I know that he is staying with a friend, but I still feel awful. He is warm, he is safe, and he has someone to talk to, which is a relief. I don’t know what to do about helping him without letting him believe he can get away with being thoughtless, cruel and addictive.
  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    So sorry you are going then this. It sounds like you did the right thing by getting him out of your house. So sorry that there is a grandchild on the way, under these circumstances. I don't know how accurate the test is, or if his girlfriend has seen a doctor yet. One would like to hope that by becoming a parent, he would want to mature and be responsible, but that isn't always the way it goes.

    I think it's time for natural consequences to kick in... If he gets violent around you, call the police. If he hits you or your younger child, press charges. Sometimes outside consequences or time in jail can be a deterrent.

  3. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    Welcome to this forum, which is a safe place to tell your story. Other folks here have been through similar journeys with difficult children, as you have described. The folks here understand. It is a hard road to trod with a difficult child. You have been dealing with it for a long time, with no signs of improvement.
    I think you did the right thing in asking him to leave your home. It sounds like you know about the concept and principles of detachment from enabling. There is a good article on "Detachment" at the top of this forum if you have not already read it. Here’s the link.
    This is good advice from ksm.
    I don’t have specific insights and wisdom to share for your particular situation right now, but more folks will be along soon now after the weekend to give you more guidance and support. Stay with us here and keep posting. Let us know how you and your son are doing. You are not alone in your situation. This forum is a tremendous support and encouragement.

    Read some of the other threads on this forum. The more we read and post, the stronger our understanding and clarity becomes to be able to see and do what we need to do. Take courage. This stuff is not easy to deal with.

    Take care. But know that you are going to be alright.