I am a step mother. Because I am a step mother if I say 'bad' things about my step son people assume I am bitter. I believe, with all my being, that my step son has antisocial behaviour disorder. However he has no diagnosis. Because his mother died when he was 7, excuses were made for his behaviour all along - even by me. His grandparents now tell me his behaviour was in place before his mother passed. However, it is true his father is not a nurturing individual, and they were hard times I'm sure when they were alone. He moved in with me aged 11. Two referrals from the doctor to the mental health team have expired because he doesn't make appointments, lies about when they are, doesn't attend, 'forgets' to go, is 'working'. Both of these were made during 'crisis' times in the family, both passed and by then the situation had 'calmed'. He is now 20. I am at the end of whatever resources I had. His father does not want to evict him, because he would be 'condemning him' - I get that, I really do - last time we evicted him he was made homeless several times (non payment of rent, caught growing cannabis in his room), ended up with court appearances and county court judgements and after only a year and a half or so ended up sleeping in our garden, so we let him back in again. He fails though to abide by the simplest of agreements - attending mental health referrals was one, we have now allowed him to choose a counsellor privately, pay for it, I take him - and still he has only managed two appointments out of five weeks. He does not come home the night before, texts that he has 'forgotten', that he has to 'work' (I phoned them, it was his day off). He has also told his Counsellor that he lies and is uncaring because his father neglected him - she has told that to his father, just to add to his guilt I assume. The only other condition was that daily he told us where he was, if he was or wasn't coming home. He can't seem to do that either. Tonight, apparently, he is coming home - for the first time in a week. And given his father is physically ill with worrying I have decided to talk to him myself. No point in pointing out to him that his Dad was so upset last week he showered sitting down at the end of the day because his legs just wouldn't support him because once again we hadn't heard from him. He won't care. He has absolutely no care. No one seems to understand what that means. He has no empathy, no remorse, no care. His father took a brain injury at work, for weeks couldn't be left alone at home, he was disorientated, had no short term memory, was fearful. My girls and I took whatever time off we could, supported him, took him out - I left his son with him one day - ONE - both times a sibling dropped by he had left his father alone in the house - once apparently to get his wages (a two hour round trip - he doesn't drive, he took the driving lesson money, spent it on drugs and lied about the lessons - took me 12 weeks to work out he wasn't going, made him repay the money out of his wages) - the second time to go and buy the drugs. He was untouched by his fathers condition, totally untouched. I have loads of those. I'm trying not to give examples, but you 'justify' all the time, you get so used to it - I am NOT biased against him, I'm not a horrid step mother - I've spent 10 years raising this child and the list of 'offences' could fill pages and pages and pages. We have given him all of the life lessons we gave the others - I suspect his sister has the same disorder, but she left home to go live with her maternal grandma at 16 (a rescue mommy) - the grandma has taken in four cousins - two are now in mental health units - one sectioned, one voluntary, one has moved out again and is coping and my step daughter is still there. She has no contact with us - not even a thank you for money on significant days. She did attend mental health appointments because it was clear as a minor that she had issues so I could take her - she was diagnosed as 'probably on the spectrum'. But she wouldn't engage with therapy or treatment as her grandma told her she could move there the day she left school. So she did. My step son however has remained at home - I do not want to deprive my husband of his son, I get that he is condemned if he no longer is provided a roof by us - but good grief surely an expectation of his attending one session a week to work on functioning in a more reasonable way and telling us where he is sleeping isn't too much to ask! I don't want to be heartless, I am not a bad person, but I don't want to have this person in my house, taking up my head space, hurting my husband, taking from my children, and acting in such a completely isolated manner anywhere around me any more. So - hi, perhaps I can find a way forwards with some help from people who understand what 'he doesn't care' means.