Hello from australia - intro

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by therese005us, May 13, 2009.

  1. therese005us

    therese005us New Member

    Hi, I'm an aussie homeschoolmum.
    I did try and post earlier today, but i am not sure it worked??
    I have an 8 year old in my care (not mine) with encopresis and an intellectual disability. Does anyone have similar?
    I don't understand all your abbreviations.. difficult child?? etc. is there somewhere I can learn about these?
    Looking forward to sharing.

  2. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Welcome therese005us!

    Here's a link to the section on this site that has info on the abbreviations used here:


    You can also access it from the Main forum menu -- it's under FAQ. There's info on creating a signature as well.

    There is a wide range of diagnoses in the kids represented here -- I know there are some people with experience specific to your situation, so hopefully they will chime in soon.
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi Therese, nice to meet you.

    My son had encopresis and I think we're finally over it.
    Part of it was due to allergies, and we had to change his diet. (We got rid of milk, cheese, etc, and wheat gluten. That means no pizza and no to many breakfast cereals. We use rice milk.)
    Also, he had a sensory issue and hated touching his rear with-toilet paper. After yrs (literally) with-fecal material smeared on the walls, etc., we offered him Wet Wipes and it helped a lot. We also often made him get straight into the shower right after using the toilet so he would wash off. He thought that was very inconvenient so after a short time, he changed his habits. We still occasionally find soiled boxer shorts but not nearly as often.

    What sort of intellectual disability does your little friend have? Can you be more specific?
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome :D

    Is this a foster child? I'm not sure if that call them that in Australia!!!
  5. therese005us

    therese005us New Member

    Hi there, It's afternoon here now.
    Yes, it is a voluntary fostering situation. That means I don't get recompensed, nor support from agency. doctors and school looking into trying to get this child removed for her own health safety.
    Intellectual disability? I don't havea specic diagnosis, but she is operating at about a 3yo. Full term child, with heart problem; suspected CP, mother using something during pregnancy and smoking... I am sure it all contributed. Aspergers/autistic spectrum. The new school she is at now only has 14 children (including her) so has been doing specific testing on her... so I should know more soon. I could homeschool her, but at this stage while it isn't official, it is better for the child to have a routine. So, little cherub doesn't realise she is soiling and if she is made aware of it, is very uncooperative at the present. She is sick of the problem really, as all the adults around her are focussing on it; in order to enable her to have some dignity and self worth - but she doesn't see it that way at the present. We use a reward system of stickers (I can hear mom now "that doesn't work for long") but it does!! To me, making her feel special and of worth is part of the treatment. Mom just flogs, and tells me how sick of the problem she is. Just having new underwear is special for this little one. And being treated like a human. We don't do the hop in the shower because mum just sends her for a shower everytime she has an accident and she is incapable of washing or wiping herself without supervision. You should have seen her face when I gave her a bubble bath yesterday, and let her 'play' for ten minutes. It made the bathroom not such a scary place. We have a paeditrician appointment Monday. Unfortunately, mum has to come too. She gives differing opinions on the real situation. I think I've proved in the past few weeks that with consistent medication and love and nurturing we are going to get a long way, faster. Wow! that was a little long, huh?
  6. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    We do call them foster children in Australia, but there can be other reasons too (including steps, nieces/nephews etc).

    Therese, welcome to the site.

    If you posted but your post didn't appear, it could be because you're new and the site is set up with an initial delay for mew members in order to prevent ratbags and spammers.

    I'm from further south than you. I'm in Sydney. I have family in Queensland. My younger son is a Distance Ed student, so was his older brother. It's a Dept of Ed alternative to home-schooling. A moderately well-kept secret, because it costs the state a fair bit to educate them this way. They will customise a program for students who need it but there are teachers on call to help over the phone (or by email) which can take the heat off you.

    That's not to say that what you're doing now is wrong - it's a matter of personal choice. if what you're doing now is working fine - then leave it. There are advantages and disadvantages wither way. With home-schooling, YOU are on the spot but you can also make fast changes and take things easy if you need to, while we have a bit of delay with work posted back to the school before we get it back, corrected. Any problems can sometimes be delayed, for us, if we don't know about them.

    The encopresis - there can be all sorts of reasons, from purely physical to purely emotional, and all the range in between. What sort of assessments has he had so far?

    When you can, do a sig (like mine). It saves you from having to keep telling us about your situation each time you post, so we don't have to keep going back and checking. It keeps any support more specifically accurate to you and your family.

    Welcome on board! We can always do with another Aussie!

    by the way, I envy your lovely weather. We were on the Gold Coast a few weeks ago, only for the weekend but I really enjoyed the warm ocean and the sun. Then I had to come back to cold and drizzle. Bleah!

  7. therese005us

    therese005us New Member

    Hi Marg, thanks for posting.
    I am a homeschool mum to an 11 year old girl, and love it! I don't do distance ed though. I use my own choice of curriculum. I had a mum coming for advice today, who wants to homeschool her boys, but can't afford the $1000 fee. They have recognised disabilities, and my understanding is that Dist. Ed will waive the fees in hardship cases. So, trying to help her out. I have also been homeschooling tthe little cherub. If I am given her fulltime care, i think I would continue this route. Time will tell. Mum rang tonight (she is having access overnight) to say she had lost the script for her medicine!! A normal scenario. Thankfully, she comes back tomorrow, so it will only be a few hours' delay of the normal routine.Her old school made it a policy to only allow her to school wearing pull ups! Where she is now, a smaller school, with fewer available staff, they are willing to toilet her every 30 mins. such a difference.
    i don't know how to make that signature thing you talk about. I am very computer/net challenged. Ask me to write, and I'll write you a book!!

    But for the record:

    Me: 45, chronic asthmatic (I keep the health fund busy); allergie+++ Homeschoolmum and loving it!
    DS 19, schitzophrenic, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) etc etc.
    daughter 23, Christian lady; Endometreosis; Married to wonderful Christian man
    daughter 11, Clever young lady who plays 3 instruments; loves life; homeschooled
    Cherub nearly 8, encopresis; aspergers?; undefined intellectual disability
  8. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    You've done a good one-off sig.

    To do a more 'solid' sig, look at the page. At the top on the left, you will see "User CP". Click on that and it takes you to a window with your details. On the left hand side is a column headed "your details" and at the top of this is "Your Profile", then the next heading below is "Networking" then below that is "Settings & Options". In the "Settings & Options" list is "Edit Signature". Click on that and it should talk you through it. You could take what you've typed here, copy it and then paste it into the sig window.

    I'm a bit puzzled - why the $1000 fee for Distance Ed? I thought there was a Dept of Ed version of this in Queensland, as in NSW. Or are you talking about a private school version of this?

    And a brief housekeeping point, just getting in ahead - I probably don't need to tell you, but just in case: the Christian background for you and your husband is something in common with my own family, but on this site we need to ensure that we don't push any particular barrow too much, so that we can avoid risking making anyone else feel uncomfortable or out of place. We can say what we are, but we leave it at that. The site is primarily for people who are struggling with children who are challenging. You & I may have our own ways of dealing with this in terms of spirituality in common, but others have their own different ways which are equally valid.

    The rules apply to political stuff too, so we don't disenfranchise anyone who really needs help here. The help comes first.

    And purely from one Aussie to another - they're also fairly strict here on what language we use, in terms of not being offensive. This can be tricky for us Down Under, because words which are acceptable here are often NOT acceptable overseas. I've had my knuckles rapped a few times! And vice versa - I am horrified sometimes at ways other people express themselves. But there are words which are in common use in Australia (commonly heard uttered by our political leaders in the highest places in parliament) which will get censored by this site. The censorship is on two levels - first, there is an automatic censor tuned to certain words (some of which I still don't get) and also the moderators watch us like hawks. Which is good - I feel relieved to know that any flamer causing trouble on this site will be quickly squashed, I had some bad experiences a few years ago on other sites and still get nervous.

    Now, back to the meat of my reply - is your Distance Ed connected to a private Christian school? Or possibly a subscription to a private school correspondence curriculum? If so, it could explain the cost.

    The Distance Ed we use is part of our public Dept of Ed and is for a range of purposes. We can't just plug into it because we have chosen to home-school, but if the reasons for home-schooling are related to disability, to health issues, to school avoidance/school phobia, to people who are travelling, to kids who are heavily involved in sports, performing arts or have other reasons for not being able to attend school regularly. I noticed in our most recent school newsletter, they had a special "mums & bubs" session through the correspondence school, for all the teenage mothers who have chosen Distance Ed to help them through their education during maternity. A good initiative, I felt. Of course we weren't told about it ahead of time - difficult child 3 isn't likely to need a discussion on breastfeeding while you study! The school would have only informed those students for whom it was specifically relevant.

    A couple of things to consider - have you looked into Mathletics? It's a bit like a more expensive (and heavily promoted) computer maths tutoring package, but it's cheaper and we found it through difficult child 3's correspondence school which subscribed to it for a couple of years. Instead of spending thousands for a computer licence, Mathletics is A$99 a year per student and spans the grades from K-12. We let our licence lapse in December but have been thinking of spending some of our Rudd bucks on renewing. There are also some really helpful computer packages which can help.
    A word of caution with Mathletics - you need to be on Broadband and preferably with recent upgrades of internet browser. Dial-up won't do it.
    They may have a telephone query line in Brisbane, plus I tihnk it's a 1300 number anyway.

    From your draft sig, you sound like you've got the homeschooling down to a fine art. Do you have a homeschoolers social network in your area? We have one near us but we don't get along there, I've heard good things of them though. They're worth either checking out, or even starting one yourself if you haven't already got one.

    Sometimes I think I'd prefer homeschooling to what we do now, but there is a lot of paperwork involved, trying to meet government requirements. But on the other hand, the freedom to instantly modify a lesson to suit the needs of the child at the moment, I think I would really love. We have still done tihs a bit at times - difficult child 3 said one day (we watch ABC TV schools programs, between 10 am & 11 am on weekdays), "I'd love to go see the mangroves after school."
    So we did - we went a bit early and just walked around the mangroves near our home and were able to consolidate a lesson from the TV, by having a close-up look at aerial roots, plant succession, the soil reclamation and the fish nurseries you get. It really hit the lesson for a home run.
    We've done it with rainforest as well. Plus when we travel - same story, we get difficult child 3 to keep a travel diary and we try to cover as much as we can in terms of education opportunities. And now whenever we travel, difficult child 3 asks to go for a walk through any mangroves there are.

    On the topic of fostering - I have a close friend with a foster son. His mother is also very disorganised. But then - I'm not brilliantly organised myself, when it comes to prescriptions. I leave all our repeats with the pharmacy, all I have to do is turn up and say, "Can I have another supply of...?"
    The packet tells me how many repeats I have left, plus the chemist will also tell me. It also means that one shop keeps all the records for us so at tax time we just get a printout from him for the medical section of our tax form.

    Could you suggest something like this to the bio-mum?

    Thinking back to your 8 year old ward, the encopresis could be related to Asperger's. Where is she at, in terms of assessment? It could also explain any apparent intellectual disability. Aspies are often a lot brighter than they seem; both my boys are very bright, but 'failed' their first IQ tests. We were initially told, with both boys, that they were "retarded".
    We know better now.

    Again, welcome aboard. You sound like a very together lady who has already put some good strategies in place.

  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Therese, that's great about the bubblebath! :) :)
    So sorry that her mom needs so much coaching. But you sound like just the person to help out.
    Best of luck. You sound like a very patient person.
  10. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I didn't see your previous post, Therese. I'm with Terry on the bubble bath - poor kid, she sounds like she needs a little TLC especially in this.

    And sticker systems - they worked for us, with difficult child 3 when we had the same problem. They DO work, but you have to be consistent and motivated. Sounds like bio-mum isn't either of those.

    Something we have done, I don't know if it would work for her - we have wet wipes in our bathroom, they're for anyoone to use for all sorts of reasons (including adults wanting to clean up a bit more scrupulously in the nether regions). easy child 2/difficult child 2 used to always use hers to remove make-up. But I found they were really good at helping the clean-up. I also found the need to clean up well, to avoid the "sore tail" result especially in warmer weather. difficult child 3's cousin told me about a fruit-scented wipe which I bought for the car, on her say-so. They're different, they don't smell like baby wipes. Sometimes having something different can help.

    Another thing - I have bought bottles of scented coconut oil (imported really cheaply from Fiji, I bought them from an Asian grocery store). I used the coconut oil on any "nappy rash" type of problem, I also have used it on prickly heat and chafed thighs (back when I had a "thunder thighs" problem). Under large boobs, too. And I found it helped prevent a lot of sore tail problems in difficult child 3.

    If you can't get coconut oil, you can use any vegetable cooking oil. If she would like it scented, you can choose any fragrance oil (she can choose if she likes) and you can use it as a moisturiser on ANY part of the body, after a wash. You can even use it as a bath oil. But I always avoided using bath oil, it leaves a ring. So does soap. I always would use bubble bath on the washcloth as well, to avoid the ring around the tub.

    So, scented/unscented including choice of scent - it might help her feel less stressed about it.

    You mentioned she doesn't seem aware of it - that sounds like sensory integration issues. Often associated with that, can be food faddiness including refusing certain textures, as well as being fussy about the feeling of clothing. difficult child 1 used to refuse to wear certain shirts to school, even though they looked identical to me. It turned out to be the stitching used to hold in the label, or sometimes the thread used in overlocking. I took to removing the labels by unpicking them. I learned NOT to simply cut out the labels because it would leave a scratchy raw edge that he found just as bad.

    We did find that with time, association, encouragement and reward, the boys did learn. difficult child 1 has been the slowest, he still has some problems in this area. It's his wife's problem now. We found that all he needs these days is to remember to "go".

    Another surprise I got - Aspie kids (and Aspie-ish) don't always follow through with the same logic as the rest of us. Both boys went through a stage of believing that they would grow out of the need to excrete. One of the funniest moments I recall, was hearing difficult child 3 doing his usual early morning slam through the toilet door to empty his bladder. From the other side of the door I could hear sound as of Niagara Falls, followed by, "I don't get it - EVERY MORNING there's wee!"

    To be that verbal, he must have been at least 6 or 7, maybe even 8.

    You have to write down those moments.

  11. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    To create a signature, click on UserCP in the upper left corner of the screen.

    On the next page, look to the left side under Settings and Options and you'll see Edit Signature. That's where you can create your personalized signature. :)
  12. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    OMG Marg....that's priceless! :rofl:

    I can't say that I have had to deal with this with my difficult child....his issues in the bathroom have been more laziness. But the wipes sound like a good idea. It's something different and also something that tends to clean a bit better. I know there are times when I could use wipes myself as the regular toilet paper just doesn't seem to cut it. Plus, if it's the scented kind, it may help at least a little on the odor if she doesn't get things completely.

    Something else...at 8 most kids are old enough to start helping with household chores if they haven't already. Maybe she could help soak her undies when there are "racing stripes" before they are thrown in the wash. If the feel and odor doesn't bother her, maybe the cleaning of the clothing would help her see what needs to be done. It may not work and if it does, BM may not follow through but at least it would be done in the "consistant" house. My son was 9 when he came to live with us (we adopted him from foster care) and I swear he was using the inside of the toilet lid for bank shots when he peed. Talking to him did nothing so everytime he did it, I made him clean the toilet and the surrounding area. A few times of that and he didn't do it anymore. Again...more laziness and uncaring on his part but it can't hurt to try something similar in your case.
  13. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    We had problems with the other kids, especially easy child 2/difficult child 2, wiping soiled fingers on the toilet walls. An inexperienced kid wipes, gets stuff on fingers and then instead of THINKING and using toilet paper to clean off fingers, would just wipe it off on the walls. I tried to make the culprit clean it up but each kid blamed the other, so I had to make them take turns as well as clean it myself, to show that the job had to be done and as we all wanted the room to be clean, we all had to work to keep it that way even if it wasn't our fault.

    difficult child 1 did something similar. We have a mosquito problem in our area (can't do anything about it - salt marshes on the headland) and despite good screens, mozzies get in. difficult child 1 would squish them on the walls of his room and insist on leaving the streaks there because he said he wanted to discourage other mozzies! He just didn't get it, that mozzies aren't smart enough to 'get' it. I kept having to nag him to clean the squished mozzies off the walls. He wanted to keep them as trophies, like notches on a gun belt.

    Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids can be VERY single-minded about some surprising things, even when they are extremely bright in most other areas.

  14. therese005us

    therese005us New Member

    Hi everyone I haven't had much time to check in here to see if anyone wrote back. We've had a busy week. We had flooding rains and so this little cherub has been home for a few days from school. I've been more than a little worn out and frustrated. I don't think I'm doing too well at the moment in the patience department, so don't give me pats on the back which I don't deserve. I put the cherub to bed in frustration yesterday - amazingly she was better behaved after a two hour sleep. I'm sure her heart problem relates to her tiredness and inability to cope. Intellectually, she is about a 3 yo which I sometimes forget. I think this is exacerbated by her normal environment. If she doesn't do what she's told, no one has bothered to train her to do so - so it's a mexican stand off.She just digs her heels in and refuses, head down, turned away, grizzle. So, what do I do? I try to stand her up and project her towards the bathroom, she's a dead weight. Get the picture?
    We do continue to make progress. She does put her dirty undies into a bucket to soak, whch I keep in the bathroom under the sink. We have wet ones for during the day, to wipe the excretement away from legs etc. Saves showering all the time. She uses about a roll of paper a day! I know her mother has tried to make her wash her own dirty clothes, but I won't do that. She just doesn't understand what is happening to her, apart from being fed up of everyone focussing on her bathroom needs! She is sick of that. Sick of us saying, off to the bathroom, I think you're wet/dirty/ need the bathroom.... every 30 minutes or so. But how do we overcome this?
    I wish I had some answers... what does the future hold for her? Educationally she is about a prep level. Mum thinks she is 'up with her peers' but I doubt she understsands what that means... how can she, when she herself is intellectually impaired... it's generation after generation... my heart bleeds to think that this child is going to be another statistic...
  15. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    When you say she's at about the level of a three year old - it would fit with what you describe. Delays in some areas can wash over into other areas.

    The thing is, they are generally delays, not total and permanent inabilities. Hopefully with time and patience, she will get there. If her body (or brain) are simply not ready yet, you may have to leave it for a while. Maybe (especially while you're so stressed) step back to pre-training days and have some space (both of you) from the whole routine. All the ghastly weather won't have been helping; major changes in routine etc will really be disruptive to all of you and a difficult child is often more likely to be thrown out by it. Is she handling it without too much anxiety? I hear those storms were something fierce.

    ALso, we can suggest things (such as getting her to clean her own undies) but YOU are the one on the spot, you know best as to what has a chance of working and what just won't do.
    If you say it won't work, that's fair enough too. You know.

    Her mum sounds like she's got denial down to an art form.

    The wet ones are a good way to avoid showering all the time. We had a telephone shower attachment, I used to put the kid in the shower recess and use the telephone shower on them to 'hose tem down' but not in any shame sort of way. I would do the same thing for a sandy kid coming home form the beach, too. Washing is washing. A kid covered in mud from a productive session in the garden also needs hosing down, or bathing.

    Have you tried bath bombs? I have a recipe for them, maybe you could make some with her. difficult child 3 loved bath bombs, they were the secret to getting him into the bath when he was resistant. I tended to seek out smaller bath bombs so we weren't spending a fortune and also using too much. He was happy with smaller ones anyway, they did the job just as well.

    A place near us sells bath bombs with things in them like rose petals, glitter, lavender flowers, confetti - all sorts of fun stuff. You could use them for a reward, for getting her cooperation (without grumbling) through another day. I think your main focus at the moment needs to be on her state of mind and attitude, rather than actual success.
    Not easy, when her mother's attitude undermines what you're trying to do.

    Hang in there, stay dry...

  16. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    So, you are frustrated with the child? Just imagine how frustrated the mom is.

    I hear you speaking poorly about the mom, but the truth is she is probably on her last bit of coping. Having a difficult child is terribly draining, as you know. So, just because she may not handle things as well as you - does not make her an uncaring, unloving mom. She may have been just as patient as you are trying to be for the last 8 years - and just can not do it anymore.

    I am not trying to say you are wrong, but just to consider that the mom just needs more help. She may need help to get back to a more patient place or help with breaks from dealing with this 24/7.

    Just because she has resorted to showering her every time she messes - does not make her a bad mom. Perhaps that is the only way she found that worked for her. Hey, at least she cared that the child was cleaned, right?! LOL!

    I say this because all too often we parents are judged for our actions, reactions and choices of parenting. We are often told to be more consistent, more strict, then told to let some things go and not to be so strict. It is a never ending balancing act to try what everyone else is suggesting.
    And even it is works for you and the child in your home - does NOT mean it will for the mom and the child in that home. These kids are hard to figure out.

    I hope you did not take this as a mean post. I do not want it to be.
  17. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Busywend, this is a fostering situation and from the sound of it, the biomum has NOT been handling it for a long time. She hasn't been handling it 24/7 for a long time either, from what I read here; Trish has been the one with the heavy workload.

    The issue here is helping Trish find some way to help this child over the hurdle of different parenting styles plus a history of apparent inconsistency and possibly too much pressure to achieve, in an area where the child seems to have become 'burnt out' by a range of different strategies which just don't seem to be working.

    My response about the mum seeming to have denial down to an art form, was the line about the mother believing that the little girl is "up with her peers" which simply by having such obvious problems with encopresis, the child clearly is not. The mother may well be loving the child, be burnt out as you say - it really doesn't change the sort of help Trish needs from us in terms of ideas and suggestions in finding ways to support this child with encopresis.

    I do agree that we need to be very careful to not judge too hastily. Parenting is difficult; parenting a difficult child doubly so.

    A good friend of mine fosters a boy on a semi-regular basis. She also does her best to help the bio-mum with her parenting skills and with respite. However, I hear the same things from my friend about a bio-mum who can't prioritise, can't keep track of the children's clothing/possessions/books/food; about foster kids who always arrive in soiled clothing and who now have to have new clothes left at her (foster) house or tey are never seen again. My friend likes these people but has to acknowledge, they're not very competent as parents and don't seem to be able to learn. All my friend can try to do, is keep doing what she is doing and hope that over time she can be a useful part of the team to help these children reach their potential.

    Sometimes it just happens to work that way. And yes, sometimes kids are in foster care because a parent is ill, or a child is more than the parent can handle for a while and needs respite.

    In Australia we do have access to respite when we need it, apart from and distinct to foster care. If I were a single mother who had to go into hospital and I couldn't find a friend to mind difficult child 3, he would have to go into foster care until I was well enough to look after him again. However, if respite were possible at such short notice, that would be the preferable alternative.

    Most of the time, however, kids are in our foster care system NOT because they were placed voluntarily. We do try to keep kids in contact with their parents and the aim is to have the children placed back full-time with their bio-parents, but only when they can cope. Until then - we do our best to help everybody cope. We've had a few highly publicised cases in recent years, where authorities didn't intervene soon enough or to a great enough extent. It IS a tricky situation, having to meet the best interests of the children but also ensure that parents are kept in the loop as much as possible. It is an ideal, but even with the best spin on it possible, we have to accept that sometimes, the biological parents are NOT the best place for the child.

    We just try to keep it as balanced as possible and hope like H we're doing the right thing.

  18. tinamarie1

    tinamarie1 Member

    Welcome! I knew as soon as I read your post that Marg would be a fast friend to you! Yall have alot in common. I also homeschool my kids and I am so glad we do.
    I don't have any advice really, just wanted to welcome you! This is a great group of people who genuinely care about each other and are so willing to help with advice or just a shoulder to cry on.
  19. therese005us

    therese005us New Member

    Thanks everyone for your replies. It's 4.00am and I just couldn't sleep anymore!! We're hoping to get out today and do a little shopping and some special activities for Saturdays. DD11 has a flute lesson at 7.30am, so that means trying to get out by 6.30am allowing extra time for getting bogged.
    I didn't expect a miracle solution, I just needed to vent my frustrations. I truly love this DD8 and i know the Mum does too. She unfortunately, has two generations of bad parenting examples to overcome AND a special needs (possibly 2) child to cope with. I don't know what all she does with her money, it's none of my business, but time and again she calls and says she doesn't have the $5 for the prescription for DD8; or food; etc. After the weekend, it is not unusual for her to hand me a bag of soiled underwear, that HAS NOT been rinsed out. Yes, I keep clothes here for her,and I'm grateful to friends for supplying bits and pieces to keep her clothed in dignity. We bought her clothes too, because her underwear is so soiled it's gross. She was so happy! I'm no hero, but I do feel that the dignity of the child and raising her self esteem will go a long way to helping her recover. It's going to be a long road of two steps forward and many backwards, but i'm here for the long haul.
    Mum uses my place as a punishment, so I have that to deal with each time she returns.
    I discovered how much she loves the bath last night (her second time) so now I know what to do for a special treat once in a while. Although I am reluctant to use it this way, bribing is par for the course at home. I will have to think of a way to phrase it... it will maybe just be, "ah, we've had such a good week, how about a special bubble bath?" rather than if you... then you can...
    The mum has been offered countless supports, and still has... but she uses the system. For example, spends all the money and then asks for taxi vouchers to meet me to collect the child.... or get pull up nappies etc. The other day she was given parking money for me to park my car, after I had driven clear across town for the appointment, and then she offered me HALF of that amount towards the parking!! She generally does the 'courses' for positive parenting, to get marked off, but tells me she knew it all anyway and it doesn't work. It does sound like I am berating the bio mum; but I also have an understanding of how dysfunctional this family is,and I can hardly see a clear way for it to improve. Another example, bio mum's mother was 13 whens he had her first child... what hope does this poor lady have of a good example of parenting? All around her, her sisters are in similar situations. I really feel sorry for her. She does try so hard to do the right things for her children..
    Well, I had better get the porridge cooking and pack the bags for the day. The little cherub gets to do a dance class today which she loves. She didn't get to go home because of the rain, so we'll make it a fun weekend. Next weekend she goes home 'for good' though her mother told her she has to come back if it doesn't work at home. I just tell her she comes here to get her tummy better... if only it were that easy.
  20. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I believe you are seeing that parenting skills are poor. And it sounds like she is not always doing the right thing for the child. I only mentioned it because it is very common for the parents of difficult children to be blamed for the child's issues. Clearly you can not change the mom or make her do anything. It will be frustrating for you to go 2 steps forward and watch her take 4 steps back every time she goes to mom. I hope you can help the mom learn how to cope with this child's challenges.