Thanks so much for all the feedback. I'm going to look for a neuropsychologist to get an evaluation I think and maybe get an Occupational Therapist (OT) evaluation.
To give you more information, I'm a single parent...his father and I haven't been together since he was born. His father didn't want me to go through with the pregnancy but he accepted my decision and has been a part of my son's life the whole time. He has him about 2 nights a week. His dad and I don't really get along but we never fight in front of him.
My son doesn't act out with his dad like he does with me. He listens a lot better. I think he's kind of afraid of him though I don't think his dad is abusive. I think he's kind of hard on him though. His dad and I have very different parenting styles which I know doesn't help. His dad has a very dominant personality where I'm more passive. My natural style would be to be laid back with parenting but I've had to be a lot more assertive, firm with my son. It's hard though and I know that's something I need to work on. Following through with consequences, holding him accountable for his actions consistently. I struggle with that a lot.
I tell him if he hits me, he has to go in time out in his room or he gets TV taken away. He won't go to time out by himself and he'll try to run out so I have to hold the door to his room and sometimes he throws stuff at the door, screams, wrecks the room, etc. When I try to get him in there, he's fighting me, scratching me, etc.
He was a pretty happy baby. He slept well and he nursed a lot. He made eye contact. I think he didn't like to be held very much. He liked to be moving around on the ground. He would be unconsolable at times when he was really young and with someone else. He's always been really active, even as a baby. He crawled and walked early. His development has been normal except for socially I think. In school, he's had problems with following directions and keeping his hands to himself. He does well with schoolwork except for handwriting-that is below average. He's really bright. His pre-school teacher didn't think he had ADHD but thought ODD or maybe some attachment issues. His last counselor thought he might have anxiety and he thought ADHD possibly.
His early years were kind of rough. I went through some depression and anxiety especially in his first 6 months. Then we moved in with my parents when he was 6 months and then we moved out when he was about 1 1/2. from 1 1/2 to 2 1/2, he lived with me and my mom in an apartment and then my mom and I bought a duplex and she lived upstairs and him and I downstairs. A few months ago, she moved out and back with her husband and now my cousin lives downstairs. My son was pretty attached to my mom I think. My mom and I are very alike and she would give in even more and that was one of the reasons I didn't want her to live upstairs anymore.
Family history--his dad and I are both in recovery for alcoholism. We both have been sober his whole life. I've had issues with depression and anxiety, social anxiety especially. There is alcoholism, depression, anxiety in my family an d probably ASP too. I know there's some Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) issues on his dad's side and alcoholism. I think his dad had some similar behaviors when he was young but I don't think he was defiant until he was older.
I know I have things to work on with my parenting but I wonder if some of my son's behavior is a reaction to his dad being overly controlling with him and sometimes kind of harsh.
Let me know if I left anything out. Thanks for your help!