Hi there,
I'm a kid, I'm 18...I WANT EVERYTHING in a candy store and someone hands me the key and my family stands in the front of the store for a while cautioning me NOT to eat too much. I go in, I run through it all. I pick out what I want, sample something of everything, and ignore my family and their advice and keep having the time of my life. I eat gumballs, jelly beans, licorice whips, carmel, taffy, cotton candy - my choices are unlimiteded and I invite my friends and show everyone how much fun freedom of choice is, not having to listen to my parents even though they are cautioning me to limit myself before getting belly aches or tooth decay, advising me to brush and floss, but what do THEY know? I'm king of the world - look at me - 18 with keys to my freedom, choices, and decisions.
Then? Eventually my friends aren't so interested in MY candy store...another of our friends got keys to a radio control model shop and they're all going there. Now I'm stuck with this candy shop, the light bill, the water bill, a belly ache, constipation, three cavities, a missing filling, and the familiy and my parents that stood by me for a while when it was all new; the ones that I told I didn't need their help, their advice? Well where are THEY? Some family! I need someone to come fix this mess that
I've made. In teen terms? I'm stuck, I want a doo-over and it's all your fault. IT was fun, I've had MY fun, it's run it's course, I didn't treat people very well, everyone should forgive me, forget what I said, and either fix it FOR me or help me fix it (if he' was even that mature).
What a great opportunity to teach the Candy Man a lesson in so many things. Ownership - (of problems, his behaviors, attitudes, anger, frustration, wants, wishes) Maturity, Decision making (looking before you leap - playing house with a 14 year old child is statutory rape [I'm not saying he IS sleeping with her, but thinking out loud] in most states and common law marriage in others - is he considered married? If he leaves is he going to have to get this annuled, divorced?) Planning - what are his long term plans - ah yes the college he blew off right? Okay so that's a non-issue right now. Go to tech school? and after all he's 18, a man (loosely put by the way he's treating people) he should have a financial plan, a school plan, a job plan. I'm sure he's thought of ALL of those. And let's talk for a moment about the way we treat each other.
I have to disagree personally with your Grandparents tactfulness. And this is hard too because I KNOW this is how MY Mother & Father would have treated my son. Matter of fact most of my son's life it's how she has been for his behavior. She loves him, but his behaviors? Not.at.all. So while I'm not putting them down for their efforts - I mean WHO would know what to do - really? The fact that they drug out the old rugged tablets and did that spiel? Well it didn't work so great for Moses either. What I've tried to impress upon MY Mom as an elder person is that these times when my son is reaching out? I doubt it's to just "get" something. I think he's looking for wisdom and does NOT want to come to me. So there in my opinion was an opportunity (if chosen in a Christian fasion that they claim to be so straight and narrow on) to sit him down and show him a LOT of examples of what has happened historically to children who have disobeyed and disrespected their parents. Right off the top of my head - I can think of several Biblical stories and parables that would have left a more lasting impression that "GET OUT YOU SINNER" and to hand it back? The greatest commandment of these is LOVE ONE ANOTHER. - Not quote my word and toss him off the reservation. Just sayin. So I think it was more an opportunity that presented itself that is now gone. Interpretation.......interpretation......(exhale) another discussion for myself and my Mom. lol
As far as having him home? Hhhhhm. Well that is entirely up to you, but in my world? There would have to be SO many things in place for him to abide by that I don't think he would make it. TRUE - he NEEDS to get out of where he is, but I don't think he will ever be able to live under your roof again. COULD a compromise be made for college? School? Can he continue working and maybe help you out around the house to pay for 1/2 a rent - you help with the other in exchange for chores? OR woudl it be best after discussing it with your spouse that since he's SO NASTY that you just tough love this situation - and allow him to really step out and make his own decisions. Where in you say "You know what CHILDX - you need a real taste of life - you think I'm a B? Well here's a taste of what the world is like- and when she kicks you when you're down, never offers any advice except to make a gain for herself and continues to kick you while you're down and you feel like coming back to us humble, with an apology and ready to treat me like a parent? We WILL talk - until then - ENJOY YOUR LIFE....because I'm going to enjoy mine. AND THEN? DO so.
Not easy to do - easier to say - but possible. It took our son TWO YEARS to get over his case of cranialrectalidis. He lived in a park, under tables......without food, but'mmmm hmmmmm wow was it great!' (I'm sure) also just NOW hearing about how the truth of the matter was - it inhaled violently like the vortex of a tornado, and the not knowing where he was, who he was with or what he was doing - was maddening, because we had just buried his brother at 18 in Feb. and he took off or rather was "asked politely to leave" (as I remember it - because I choose to not remember shoving his junk in a Hefty bag and screaming GET OUT, GET OUT, GET THE BLEEP OUT OMG I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE)
. I'm not saying the boy (our DUDE) is phenominally changed, but a lot of work went into him and maybe about 1/2 or 3/4's of what we threw STUCK - and it's just now starting to emerge. IT is probably good too - because I think it took me THAT long to FORGET the nasty nastiness that he called me - and it was sick. THe things he said....OMG I'm engaged to a biker and HE never heard stuff that was said to me in ALL his years on the road. Trust me - it was awful. SO yeah - I'd be more inclined to say - HAVE a NICE LIFE....look us up when you get your butt out of your head..but know we tried.
Maybe something in this rambling will help.....and as far as saying anything to his Gparents? Yeah - the ship sailed. He's not going back for a LONG time. No matter how much you say Gammy and Gampy love you - It's gone. So let that be between them - trust me, you'll never get that battle won. Maybe too - that should be the one thing he aspires to - for change. If he was close to them? Maybe (shrug) it will be the something he has to prove. YOu know your family better. My son is convinced his Nana hates him and that will never change. Too many years of things said in her way, because .....I honored my Mother and Father. Know what I mean?? At some point you just have to learn to stay away and NOT talk about your kids to them. I talk about my DOGS - A LOT and even then? ROFL she has her opinions...
Hugs & Love
Star
Hope this helps - and dont' think that I'm down on the parents about the God stuff either - it's just an observation because I really have a problem with organized religion and how it all seems to work when it "needs" too. The boy is NOT a lost cause - but turning their backs on him? Not my idea of utilizing their Christian values....but then again we all have our own idea of that too. Weird world isn't it? And trust me - MY MOM? Same values as them...lol. She doesn't get my logic either.
Hugs & Love