Star*
call 911........call 911
Hi miche -
Okay first off - I will take her.
Just as she is - I live in Columbia. If you can get her here I'm ready! No joke - I've spent 18 years almost 19 now with a child that literally has curled my very straight hair and the education I have received as a result of what TO do, what NOT TO do because of his illness and what works and what doesn't work has been an invaluable tool. The incredible thing to me is - I'm still learning, I'm still helping to educate others, and yet every day people ask "What can we do?" then go "mmm no - I don't want to do THAAAAAAAAAAt....I want to do X, and X and X..." and I sit back and think to myself "But X and X and X has not worked for you or your child and now we know why said child is not getting needed help and parent is frustrated and other parent is screaming like a banshee."
I'm not going to tell you what will work for YOUR family or your child. I can only tell you what I know worked in the past for my child, just like others here will tell you or give suggestions. Suggestions that have been tried and have either worked or failed based on the child AND the parents willingness to work with and understand the dynamics of what is going on.
First mistake most families make that ours made that I see made by others? Parents think - If there is a diagnosis and a pill/medication then the child will be well or better and that should be the end of it. Wrong. It's not the flu, it's not an "ailment" it's a behavior problem. Behavior problems are a learned problem. Learned problems have to be UNLEARNED. The medicine is like an assistant not a cure. The assistant just helps while the child AND the family gets some type of therapy to UNLEARN the behaviors that were LEARNED in the first place. AND OH - everyone finds that SOoooooooooo unnerving. I did - Heck - I didn't want to hear - "YOU NEED THERAPY - where do you think your son LEARNED that behavior?" But as I read your post - and hear that your daughter is screaming at YOU - I read that your husband is screaming at her. LEARNED behavior. Coincidence? Maybe. I had no idea in my marriage that my son EVER heard my and and I fighting - he was 2, 3 - and sleeping - and we yelled and screamed - but he heard it, and he listened to how WE resolved our issues - and that's how HE resolved HIS issues - except when it came time for him to play with other children in the sand box and he started yelling and screaming - THAT was considered DISRUPTIVE behavior - I mean 4 & 5 year olds get upset but they don't pick up their toys and scream and yell and hit other children in the head with Tonka trucks - but....THAT is what MY son saw on how to resolve conflict.
So at a very early age - he had gotten a horrible set of coping skills. But in his defense he did the best he could. Now - your family may be the most peaceable loving and kind family in the world and never argue or raise your voice and get along fine every day - and so your daughters outbursts are REALLY coming from left field. This happens to a LOT of families also. And for them I think having children like ours just leaves them even MORE gobsmacked because at least with a yelling household you almost "have" a reason to say why a child may have outrageous behaviors.
A few things that I wish someone would have told me to begin with - years ago before this board was around and I had no clue I wasn't the only parent like me. You aren't in this alone, and by that I mean you have support here, but you are going to need the ENTIRE family to be on board with HOW you parent and discipline and reward this six year old. To do that it's probably going to take an outside professional that is NOT family member - and someone that can look and listen to both you and your husband AND your daughter and give you lessons to work on every week that at first you'll think are just lame - but need to be done. Find a good therapist that deals with Emotional Behaviors in children and families.
Second - these kids take it out of us and split families - our divorce rate is high - so make sure you take time to recharge your batteries and do what you can to set a date night at least every other week with your husband. Make sure that each of YOU get one night a month ALONE - OUT. NO kids.
Understand that this behavior change will take a lifetime of commitment - if you start NOW at six and stick with a good program and stay with it - you have a better than average chance of saving not only the six year old from being a wild child but the three year old as well - You can either pay NOW or pay later - paying later COULD involve - jail, teen pregnancy - ulcers, sleepless nights, drug or alcohol addiction. Something to think about vs. being committed to a good therapist plan.
Read ALL you can about EFFECTIVE communication and BEG/BORROW all the books you can get your hands on regarding oppositional defiance disorder and ADHD OR ADD in children and become the BEST advocate you can for your child. Make sure you understand your daughters behaviors BETTER than her teachers and MAKE THEM UNDERSTAND what it's like to spend ONE day in her mind. Do you know what it's like to hear like an ADD kid does? It's awful......they hear 20 things at once -it makes me nuts...I can't imagine what it's like for them. Concentrate? How? Poor things. Understanding - NOT PITY. EDUCATE - NOT BERATE.
ALSO - and probably the best advice I can give you - Sadly - this child will not fall under the "norms" of regular parenting. Other parents may be able to say "Susie, come here we are leaving." and little Susie will say "Okay Mommie." then you will yell "Sally, come here we are leaving." and little Sally will say "NO." and you will say "I said come on Sally we're leaving." and little Sally will run away or lay down or have a fit or kick or scream or whatever so you can't CAN NOT be a normal "COME HERE" MOM. But you CAN LEARN to say "Okay Sally WE are leaving in 15 minutes." then wait and say "OKay Sally WE are leaving in 10 minutes." and wait and then say "Okay Sally WEe are leaving in 5 minutes." and then say "Okay Sally HUG TIME IN ONE MINUTE WHO'S READY???" and train Sally for the reward with also giving her warnings....and learning how to speak and parent differently.
Theres a great book - that has taught me a lot called How to listen so your kids will speak and how to speak so your kids will listen - and it's fantastic - it's about speaking effectively and it has week by week lessons that help with kids like our - or ANY kids for that matter.
YOU and your husband are worn out - tired, and trying to parent this six year old like Susie - and she's not Susie - She's Sally and Sally doesn't hear Parent Speak - she hears that new language - you just have to learn it. Once you do it makes it a little easier to communicate with her. It also helps with little 28 year old jerks in your office place too..
Another thing to look into is play therapy. There could be some anger about the three year old/jealousy that she doesn't know how to express properly - Maybe no one has ever told her that it's OKAY to be angry. She just needs to know HOW to express her anger in a positive manner so that no one gets hurt. Slapping sissy in the face? Not appropriate behavior - but what IS appropriate way for a six year old to express her anger? Hitting? Kicking? Drawing? Screaming? - I don't know - I'd ask a therapist for tips on how to teach her some breathing exercises and a better way to vent her frustration - and ESPECIALLY since there is a NEW baby there too. She's got a hefty roll as big sister to 2 baby sisters. You have an awesome roll as Mommy to THREE baby girls....and Dad has a big role as Dad -Sounds to me like a family worth caring enough about to save.
Welcome to the board. I hope you find something here from us that helps you all. We're certainly glad you found us.
Hugs - Star
Okay first off - I will take her.
Just as she is - I live in Columbia. If you can get her here I'm ready! No joke - I've spent 18 years almost 19 now with a child that literally has curled my very straight hair and the education I have received as a result of what TO do, what NOT TO do because of his illness and what works and what doesn't work has been an invaluable tool. The incredible thing to me is - I'm still learning, I'm still helping to educate others, and yet every day people ask "What can we do?" then go "mmm no - I don't want to do THAAAAAAAAAAt....I want to do X, and X and X..." and I sit back and think to myself "But X and X and X has not worked for you or your child and now we know why said child is not getting needed help and parent is frustrated and other parent is screaming like a banshee." I'm not going to tell you what will work for YOUR family or your child. I can only tell you what I know worked in the past for my child, just like others here will tell you or give suggestions. Suggestions that have been tried and have either worked or failed based on the child AND the parents willingness to work with and understand the dynamics of what is going on.
First mistake most families make that ours made that I see made by others? Parents think - If there is a diagnosis and a pill/medication then the child will be well or better and that should be the end of it. Wrong. It's not the flu, it's not an "ailment" it's a behavior problem. Behavior problems are a learned problem. Learned problems have to be UNLEARNED. The medicine is like an assistant not a cure. The assistant just helps while the child AND the family gets some type of therapy to UNLEARN the behaviors that were LEARNED in the first place. AND OH - everyone finds that SOoooooooooo unnerving. I did - Heck - I didn't want to hear - "YOU NEED THERAPY - where do you think your son LEARNED that behavior?" But as I read your post - and hear that your daughter is screaming at YOU - I read that your husband is screaming at her. LEARNED behavior. Coincidence? Maybe. I had no idea in my marriage that my son EVER heard my and and I fighting - he was 2, 3 - and sleeping - and we yelled and screamed - but he heard it, and he listened to how WE resolved our issues - and that's how HE resolved HIS issues - except when it came time for him to play with other children in the sand box and he started yelling and screaming - THAT was considered DISRUPTIVE behavior - I mean 4 & 5 year olds get upset but they don't pick up their toys and scream and yell and hit other children in the head with Tonka trucks - but....THAT is what MY son saw on how to resolve conflict.
So at a very early age - he had gotten a horrible set of coping skills. But in his defense he did the best he could. Now - your family may be the most peaceable loving and kind family in the world and never argue or raise your voice and get along fine every day - and so your daughters outbursts are REALLY coming from left field. This happens to a LOT of families also. And for them I think having children like ours just leaves them even MORE gobsmacked because at least with a yelling household you almost "have" a reason to say why a child may have outrageous behaviors.
A few things that I wish someone would have told me to begin with - years ago before this board was around and I had no clue I wasn't the only parent like me. You aren't in this alone, and by that I mean you have support here, but you are going to need the ENTIRE family to be on board with HOW you parent and discipline and reward this six year old. To do that it's probably going to take an outside professional that is NOT family member - and someone that can look and listen to both you and your husband AND your daughter and give you lessons to work on every week that at first you'll think are just lame - but need to be done. Find a good therapist that deals with Emotional Behaviors in children and families.
Second - these kids take it out of us and split families - our divorce rate is high - so make sure you take time to recharge your batteries and do what you can to set a date night at least every other week with your husband. Make sure that each of YOU get one night a month ALONE - OUT. NO kids.
Understand that this behavior change will take a lifetime of commitment - if you start NOW at six and stick with a good program and stay with it - you have a better than average chance of saving not only the six year old from being a wild child but the three year old as well - You can either pay NOW or pay later - paying later COULD involve - jail, teen pregnancy - ulcers, sleepless nights, drug or alcohol addiction. Something to think about vs. being committed to a good therapist plan.
Read ALL you can about EFFECTIVE communication and BEG/BORROW all the books you can get your hands on regarding oppositional defiance disorder and ADHD OR ADD in children and become the BEST advocate you can for your child. Make sure you understand your daughters behaviors BETTER than her teachers and MAKE THEM UNDERSTAND what it's like to spend ONE day in her mind. Do you know what it's like to hear like an ADD kid does? It's awful......they hear 20 things at once -it makes me nuts...I can't imagine what it's like for them. Concentrate? How? Poor things. Understanding - NOT PITY. EDUCATE - NOT BERATE.
ALSO - and probably the best advice I can give you - Sadly - this child will not fall under the "norms" of regular parenting. Other parents may be able to say "Susie, come here we are leaving." and little Susie will say "Okay Mommie." then you will yell "Sally, come here we are leaving." and little Sally will say "NO." and you will say "I said come on Sally we're leaving." and little Sally will run away or lay down or have a fit or kick or scream or whatever so you can't CAN NOT be a normal "COME HERE" MOM. But you CAN LEARN to say "Okay Sally WE are leaving in 15 minutes." then wait and say "OKay Sally WE are leaving in 10 minutes." and wait and then say "Okay Sally WEe are leaving in 5 minutes." and then say "Okay Sally HUG TIME IN ONE MINUTE WHO'S READY???" and train Sally for the reward with also giving her warnings....and learning how to speak and parent differently.
Theres a great book - that has taught me a lot called How to listen so your kids will speak and how to speak so your kids will listen - and it's fantastic - it's about speaking effectively and it has week by week lessons that help with kids like our - or ANY kids for that matter.
YOU and your husband are worn out - tired, and trying to parent this six year old like Susie - and she's not Susie - She's Sally and Sally doesn't hear Parent Speak - she hears that new language - you just have to learn it.
Once you do it makes it a little easier to communicate with her. It also helps with little 28 year old jerks in your office place too..Another thing to look into is play therapy. There could be some anger about the three year old/jealousy that she doesn't know how to express properly - Maybe no one has ever told her that it's OKAY to be angry. She just needs to know HOW to express her anger in a positive manner so that no one gets hurt. Slapping sissy in the face? Not appropriate behavior - but what IS appropriate way for a six year old to express her anger? Hitting? Kicking? Drawing? Screaming? - I don't know - I'd ask a therapist for tips on how to teach her some breathing exercises and a better way to vent her frustration - and ESPECIALLY since there is a NEW baby there too. She's got a hefty roll as big sister to 2 baby sisters. You have an awesome roll as Mommy to THREE baby girls....and Dad has a big role as Dad -Sounds to me like a family worth caring enough about to save.
Welcome to the board. I hope you find something here from us that helps you all. We're certainly glad you found us.
Hugs - Star
