Here we go again :(

[scaredofhim]

SS missed every single day of school last week because of tonsillitis. We had him from Thursday through our weekend and took him home yesterday. We spent the entire weekend battling him to do all the make up homework that the teachers sent for him to do during the week he was off. He would sit here at the table and cry and scream that it was way too much work and that he wasn't doing it. We only managed to get him to do a little of it and he lied and told us that he had already done some of the stuff on the list and just didn't turn it in. Not true of course. I can't believe that an almost 13 year old was sitting here hyperventilating, crying and almost having a panic attack over having to do homework. And that is because homework takes him away from his video games. And so does school, and that is why he is refusing to go to school. Which he did again this morning. Another meltdown at the school this morning, so bio mom calls husband, who was almost at work, to come get him and take him to daycare because she can't be late again to work or she is in danger of losing her job. husband will be in danger of losing his job too, he cannot take off to take this child to daycare everyday just because he refuses to go to school. Not to mention husband works 30 miles away from the school. SS told husband that he promises to go to school the rest of the year. Same thing he promised us yesterday before we took him home but then when he gets to school, another meltdown and he doesn't have to go. Something needs to be done. SS told husband he would rather go to juvie than go to school. He may get his wish on that if this keeps up. husband told me that he thinks that SS is seriously mentally ill and that bio mom needs to file those unruly child charges on him since he insists on being permanently truant from school. I think he needs to be in residential treatment or therapeutic foster care, because he is beyond being parented at all. And during these meltdowns and rages, he is going to seriously hurt someone.

 

[BusynMember]

I agree with you.

I thought he was 8, not thirteen. He is getting to that age where he is not going to get better. I don't know if it can happen by then since he is so extreme.

Maybe bio mom will consider residential if your husband stops helping her. What if she had to do it alone?

I do think he will end up in juvie and it's too bad residential can't happen first. It's not just truancy. One day he WILL hurt somebody badly and get into adult-type trouble, like our foster child did. He was tried for sexual assault of a minor and legally, our child was only thirteen, but his deed was so henious he was still tried for sexually assaulting a minor in the first degree and he was found guilty. And we couldn't have stopped the charge if we had wanted to. It was t he county that decided to charge him, not us. You can not seriously harm somebody in the US, even as a minor.

This now young man has to sign up as a predator for the rest of his life even though his rapes were at age eleven to thirteen. He failed to sign up once and went to prison. Now he is married with two little girls (shudder) who probably have no idea what he did unless he is already doing it to them. They are so little!!! And when he gets caught again for not signing up as a predator he will be thrown in jail again and his daughters will finally be safe. Right now, they aren't. I follow his saga in court records and on FB. I am NOT his friend!!!!!

 

[scaredofhim]

Midwest Mom....he will be thirteen in October. And you are right, it is not going to get better. And I hope my husband is coming to the realization that it is not going to get better. husband told me on the phone this morning that things cannot go on like this. That he is tired of dealing with never knowing what the next day is going to bring, seems lately it is just one crisis with SS after another. Bio mom as been advised repeatedly to file the charges and get SS in the system because he is so out of control he really needs to have to go in front of a judge. If there are never any consequences for his actions, his behavior is never going to change. At at this point, even consequences may not work with him. He has gotten by with far too much for far too long. Things are only going to escalate. husband even mentioned to me that he thinks maybe SS needs to be locked up to get the proper help.

 

[dstc_99]

Why cant husband file the unruly child papers. He has partial or joint custody and SS acts like a demon at your house too!

 

[scaredofhim]

Bio mom has sole custody and because of that we've been told all medical decisions, etc. are hers to make. SS is only in our home every other weekend. Yes he is a demon here too, but until he does something criminal in our home, we cannot file any unruly child charges on him.

 

[firehorsewoman]

Hi. I am sorry that you are going through such a tough time. I am divorced and can relate to the medical decisions thing. I am the bio mom and my ex has legal custody so for years I had to defer to his decisions regarding medications. The doctor's hands are tied. They can't do the medications 50:50. So, they have to go with the custodial parents wishes even though I was at each and every appointment and had some disagreement with my ex regarding medications. It was very frustrating.

Things had to get much worse before we could really get an honest dialog going with his dad and the doctors. Once difficult child was diagnosed with bipolar and started on lithium the changes were dramatic. I don't want to mislead you that things are great. They are not. My difficult child is now living with me even though I am legally the "non-custodial" parent. But they are WAY better than before he was started on lithium.

One thing you wrote in your previous post is that your SS is on the A/B honor roll and has tolerable behavior at school. Pretty typical for bipolar kids. Has he been tried on lithium or other mood stabilizers? Does he get therapy or just see a psychiatrist? What do the doctors say? Do they know that things are so bad you are considering Residential Treatment Facility (RTF) or legal intervention? I apologize if you have answered this in previous threads. I tried to do my research but am pretty tired myself. LOL

I feel for all of you.

 

[scaredofhim]

firehorsewoman, SS is not on lithium or any other mood stabilizer. Why, we don't know because I know that with bipolar it is common to be on lithium or something else similar. He is on Abilify, a stimulant for his ADHD, and an SSRI. Everything we have read says that SSRI's are not good with bipolar but bio mom insists he needs it for anxiety and depression. I guess the psychiatrist agrees. SS sees a psychiatrist, an in-home therapist, and a child psychologist. Nothing is helping....nothing. Yes SS did just make the A/B honor roll and doesn't act up in the classroom so far. He only has meltdowns at the beginning of the school day when bio mom takes him to the school and tries to get him to go inside. The psychiatrist, the psychiatrist, the in-home therapist and the psychologist all know how bad this is. The psychiatrist and the in-home therapist have both told her to file the unruly charges against SS. Bio mom went to the prosecutor months ago and did all the paperwork. All she had to do was to go to juvenile court and file it but she refuses. I don't know how bad it has to get for her to do it. He's already threatened to kill bio mom on many occasions and he has made a serious verbal threat to me as well. husband and I are stressed to the max. I never feel well anymore and that scares me. I am not young, and neither is husband, and this is very mentally and emotionally draining. I am sure it's not good for our physical health. All I do is pray all day, every day, that this child gets the help he needs or he is headed for Juvie.....

 

[firehorsewoman]

Scared,
Thank you for taking the time to answer my questions. I wish that I could help you more. All I can do is offer you support, understanding and share a bit of my story in case any of it helps.

I am confused as to why the psychiatrist would suggest legal action prior to trialing a mood stabilizer being that your SS has been diagnosed with bipolar.
My difficult child takes Seroquel for depression (along with the lithium) and it works for him. It is an antipsychotic that is used commonly as an add-on drug for bipolar kids. It is a long story and I don't want to hijack your thread but basically two years ago once he was started on lithium and things really improved for him.

I understand you being scared. There were times before the lithium that my difficult child's rages where so intense that even as a 7 or 8 year old child, I was afraid of him. It seems almost ridiculous but it is true. I told his doctors at that time that I was afraid that I would have to call 911 when his rages where directed at me physically. In a way I was lucky that I was the target of the most severe behaviors. He still has meltdowns, almost daily, but never full blown RAGE. That (and other things) is what the lithium did for my son.

I am not familiar with "unruly charges." I cannot imagine that where I live such a thing even exists. I guess I have very little faith in the legal system helping anyone with mental illness/biochemical imbalance/mood disorder etc. I wish that you had better options than that.

Yes, living with a difficult child of any age can take a toll mentally, physically, and emotionally. Many of us here have chronic health problems. I rarely feel well either so I can sympathize with you on that too.

As a biomom of a difficult child, I think it is great that you are doing so much to try and help your SS. I wish you luck. Sometimes luck helps. I felt extremely lucky the day I finally met a healthcare professional (crisis triage psychologist-not one of my son's regular doctors) that went above and beyond to help my son. Without him, I don't know where we would all be today.

 

[scaredofhim]

Well SS went to school Tuesday and yesterday with out too much of a fuss, but this morning he had a meltdown again and refused to get out of bio mom's car so she had to get him out and drag him into the school. The principal said to leave him there but he was still flipping out when she left him to go to work. She called us asked us to call the school and check how SS is doing. Also said that if he doesn't calm down we will have to go get him and take him to daycare. Obviously SS is too out of control to go to school so something really needs to be done. He can't just continue to miss school almost everyday and go to daycare. Bio mom still refuses to do what the doctors. have recommended. He is being repeatedly truant and bio mom is allowing it even though she has been told that she can get into trouble for SS's truancy. If SS cannot adjust to a mainstream school, then she needs to find a special school for him. husband and I are both at our wits end this morning. The stress is overwhelming.....

 

[BusynMember]

I meekly suggest that maybe you and husband shouldn't do what bio. mom wants and make her leave work. Then she will have to do something.

I think he will struggle even in a special school, but it's worth a try. In my heart of hearts, having lived with one, I do think he has attachment disorder and that medications won't do much for that, but he could be calmed down a bit and could also have something co-morbid. (Disclaimer: I am not a medical person) This just isn't how bipolar is however...it's a mood disorder, not a license to act out in antisocial ways. Most mentally ill children and adults do not just have one disorder. Most of the time there are many that combine together, which is partly why stabilization is so hard to achieve (even in adults...took me ten years of medication trials to get relief from my depression).

Your husband makes things worse for both of you when he does or expects you to do what bio mom wants. He is already thirteen. In five years you won't be legally able to help him at all and likely his violence and dangerous behavior will escalate. He should have had intensive help years ago, but you were not the one to make those decisions and his bio. mom and your hubby did not do it. It's getting kind of late.

Some states give kids control of their mental healthcare as young as age twelve. I think it's nutty, but I believe I'm right. Look up your state's mental health laws. Obviously, he needs medication to take the edge off...hopefully he will not refuse it altogether.In the meantime, I have come to like you and admire your fighting spirit so please take good care of yourself.

Sending many hugs and good luck.

 

[scaredofhim]

I think he will struggle in a special school too but don't know what else to do. We did get a call from the school to come get him. They told us they called bio mom and she didn't answer her phone. And I am sure she didn't answer on purpose. She knows my husband is on second shift this week so knew we would be home to go get him, that's why she didn't answer. Anyway, we went and got him but instead of taking him to daycare we came home. Then husband said he would rather SS stay here until bio mo gets off work and comes and gets him. Doesn't bother to ask me if I mind. So husband goes to work and SS is here with me and I am very upset because husband knows that I am not comfortable being alone with SS. And he let SS get on the computer too, which I feel shouldn't have been allowed and I told husband I didn't approve. If he is going to be truant from school he shouldn't be rewarded for that by spending the whole time playing video games. I feel like my feelings aren't even taken into consideration at all, nor my advice, not to mention that I am sick today thanks to the strep throat I was exposed to last weekend when SS was here sick. I have been crying all afternoon. Feeling really lost and frustrated today. And SS is still no closer to getting the kind of help he needs.

 

[scaredofhim]

PS: Thanks for the kind words Midwest Mom.

 

[dstc_99]

No way in hadies he would be on the computer in my house. If he was sick I would allow it but if he threw a fit at school and got to go home no way jose!

As for the school I would have told them no. I am not coming to pick him up. We are not his custodial parents and we are unable to control him so we will not be picking him up. See what they do then! Since you all aren't his custodial parents I don't think there is much they could do about it. They could keep calling mom all day long as far as I am concerned. What the heck did schools do before cell phones? When parents weren't at their beck and call? I guess they figured out how to handle the kid or they called the cops. HMMMMM come to think of it maybe if they call the cops something would actually happen to benefit SS.

As for your husband leaving your home alone with him. I would tell him next time he tries that you will leave the home and return when he returns. He can pay for a hotel for you. You are not safe with this kid and shouldn't have to be dealing with it. End of story!

 

[scaredofhim]

I had a talk with SS last Thursday after we picked him up from school because of his meltdown and husband left him here with me to go to work. SS is always telling the therapists he is angry, and when they ask him why he is angry all he will say is "I don't know, I just am." Well I asked him if he was angry at his dad or I and he said no, he said he is angry at his bio mom. I asked why and he said because of her job and the long hours she works. He is at latchkey before school and then after school until 6:00PM and sometimes later, and he is always the last child picked up. That's 10 1/2 hours of day at school and he said he hates being there so long. He said he has asked his mom to get another job closer to home and she tells him she can't do that because she would have to work even longer hours. Not sure I buy that one but that is what she tells him. He said to me, "her job is more important to her that I am." I also talked to him about the school meltdowns and anxiety and asked him if he thought that being away from his video games that many hours a day (he is SERIOUSLY addicted to them) might be the reason he hates being at school and he indicated that yes, it's a problem. I have seen this first hand with him last summer. We had returned from church to find that we had locked ourselves out of the house. Had to call a locksmith and it was going to be a two hour wait for the locksmith to arrive. SS was anxious the whole time, kept pacing, shaking his foot, chewing his fingers, and asking constantly how much longer. I asked him then why he was so fidgety and what was the matter and he said he was nervous because he needed to get inside. I said why because of the video games and he said yes. So it is clearly is a serious problem for him, he cannot stand to be away from the video games for any length of time so I can see why this would be a problem during the long school day. I am stressed out because he has 18 days of school left and husband cannot keep leaving work to go get him to take him to daycare simply because he doesn't want to be at school, he will lose his job. I have talked to husband about my concern for his job and he doesn't seem concerned about it at all. But I am very concerned! He's in his 50's and was unemployed for two years and we had it very rough financially. If he loses this job he may not get another one, it's very hard to find work in your 50's. I don't want to go back to the financial struggles that we had for those two long years. He makes decent money at his job, but the job is through a temp service. It's a long contract, but it doesn't take much for a temp service to get rid of you. If he loses his job, we will be homeless because he hasn't worked long enough yet to qualify for unemployment. He thinks I worry too much about the job but I can't help it. If he loses his job because he keeps taking time off work to deal with SS I am going to have a big problem with that. Bio mom gets paid time off and has a cushy job with the govt. She can go get SS from school. Anyway, I am going to pass along what SS told me to his dr. and therapists, hoping it will help somehow. Thanks for listening to me vent this morning. Please keep us in your prayers.

 

[scaredofhim]

So far so good as far as SS going to school this week. Went yesterday with no issues and so far today the school has not called to say anyone needs to come and get him. Same scenario last week though, he went a couple days then there were issues. Keeping fingers crossed he goes the rest of the week but that hasn't been the case lately, he goes a couple of days and then either melts down and refuses to get out of the car, or melts down after bio mom leaves him at school and then they call and want someone to come get him. Would really be nice if SS could go to school the whole week for once. But that is probably too much to hope for. Sorry for all my whining lately, I am just not handling the stress well....I am drained, physically and emotionally. And this coming weekend is our weekend with SS and husband has to work Saturday. I am dreading it.

 

[greenrene]

You really, truly need to find a way to stand up for yourself, put your foot down and REFUSE to be alone with this boy. It's not fair of either your husband or biomom to expect you to keep him when you're so afraid and stressed out about him. If husband can't take him, then he and biomom need to work it out - it is NOT your responsibility or obligation whatsoever. been there done that with the not handling the stress well, and I know how it can just take over your entire life and affect everything you do. It's still early in the week - maybe you can borrow some of our rhino skin and change the situation? Big hugs - your stress and fear practically leaps from the screen.

 

[unc tarheel]

Does husband have to work every saturday that ya'll have SS? You need to tell husband point blank-"If you are working, I will not be here in the house with SS by myself. If you insist, I will be unavailable that weekend."

Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app

 

[TiredSoul]

I can't believe that an almost 13 year old was sitting here hyperventilating, crying and almost having a panic attack over having to do homework. And that is because homework takes him away from his video games. And so does school, and that is why he is refusing to go to school.

I haven't read all the posts yet, so I will go back and do that now - but I get the feeling this boy does not feel understood and/or supported. He obviously has severe anxiety about school and somehow you need to get to the bottom of that issue. Have you ever been anxious or depressed? To the point of not being able to do anything? Like you are just cannot move forward no matter how hard you might like to - and the shame and bad feelings you have toward yourself for not being able to just suck it up and do it? Maybe that is how he feels. Maybe traditional school is not the right fit for him. Maybe he cannot articulate what exactly the problem is. Maybe he is lonely and feels rejected by his peers, teachers, others. His behavior seems like a cry for help.

 

[TiredSoul]

Keeping fingers crossed he goes the rest of the week but that hasn't been the case lately, he goes a couple of days and then either melts down and refuses to get out of the car, or melts down after bio mom leaves him at school and then they call and want someone to come get him. Would really be nice if SS could go to school the whole week for once. But that is probably too much to hope for.

What kind of supports does he have at school to help with this? Is there another school he could go to that might be a better fit? Does he connect with anyone at school (peers or teachers)?

 

[TiredSoul]

Well I asked him if he was angry at his dad or I and he said no, he said he is angry at his bio mom. I asked why and he said because of her job and the long hours she works. He is at latchkey before school and then after school until 6:00PM and sometimes later, and he is always the last child picked up. That's 10 1/2 hours of day at school and he said he hates being there so long.

10 & 1/2 hours is a LONG time to be somewhere you hate being. I wouldn't do well with that. My son wouldn't either which is why I had to give up any idea of a full time career. As long as he is in school, I know that I will need to be there for him before and after school - as he requires constant adult guidance. He would get kicked out of before/after care - because he hates being at school too. What are his plans for the summer?