Here we go again...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by PatriotsGirl, Apr 21, 2017.

  1. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    And no - not my daughter! She is still doing AMAZING. She has met "the one" and we are expecting a proposal this year. We love him, Connor adores him and they just fit so well. They are both in recovery. He has two more years of clean time than her and they stay very connected to the church. Everything is more than great there. I don't believe either one would ever go back to drugs. They are also saving themselves for marriage so it is very serious. :)

    It is my son. :( He was arrested last night for possession of LSD. I am not sure of any other details. The bond hearing starts at 2pm and I plan on going just to know what the charges are, etc. I know he has been charged with one felony and one misdemeanor. He has never, ever been in trouble before. I am hopeful this will be a huge kick in the rear for him to change paths. I am also hopeful the courts will give him a chance given that he has never been in trouble before.

    Now that both kids have gone down this path, I feel like a complete failure as a parent.
     
  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    What great news that your daughter is doing so well!

    Wow, you must feel like what's going on with your son is a nightmare after what you went through with your daughter! I'm so sorry to hear this. I am going through this with our youngest now and it's taking the life out of me. The only good thing is that you are educated about addiction now so this will help you get through it if that is what it truly turns out to be - but I hope not!
     
  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I was so worried PG when I read the subject. I'm thrilled your daughter is doing so well. Ugh about your son but hopefully he can get straightened out

    You are NOT a failure.
     
  4. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    No one has a child and thinks well, they might be come an addict. We lead them to choose the right things...they choose the good and the bad.

    Pray the courts give him a chance to approve his life...too many drug users in the system..solves nothing.

    Hugs!
     
  5. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    His hearing was not today. It won't be until Sunday. When I called, they obviously did not look him up before telling me the hearing was today at 2pm. So he is in there for the weekend. He is such a soft kid. I really cannot imagine how is handling jail. Probably as well as I did, which wasn't well at all. I sat in the cell and cried the entire time. I did drop off underwear, socks and t-shirts. That lets him know that we know he is there (he has not called me nor dad, yet).

    The bright side is that my husband was originally told that he was in a different county jail - a REALLY, REALLY rough one that would not have been good to him at all. But the state police brought them to our county jail. He is so very lucky.

    Ugh. Just ugh. :(

    I begged my daughter to bring Connor over after she picks him up. I NEED Connor cuddles and kisses.
     
  6. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wow, PG, this is freaky. Last night I was thinking of people we hadn't heard from in a while and I thought about you and your daughter.

    I am thrilled your daughter is still doing so well but am sorry to hear about your son. I think the "non-troubled" child in the family is under so much pressure to be the good one that they eventually have to burst. Even if they pressure is self imposed.

    Hopefully this will be a life lesson for him and he may just be temporarily acting out. If not, you have learned from your daughter how to set boundaries and practice loving detachment.
     
  7. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    I am glad to hear your daughter is doing well....that is wonderful.

    I know what you are feeling about being a failure, I'm sure many of us have felt that at least once... when my youngest also failed all
    His courses last year at univ along with his older drug addicted brother ... I felt like I had been physically punched in the gut... like how did BOTH my boys go downhill so quickly.

    It has been rough... and older one isn't out of the woods yet, but younger one is back on track, and I'm trying to pay attention to him in a way that is not scared or paranoid, but just present.

    You will move through this .... if this is not his normal behaviour, there is a strong possibility he will be ok.

    Know you are not alone.... I feel like I could be president of "The Parent Failures Club". I'm sure many of us have felt like members of this illustrious crew. Hang in there .
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  8. MissJuneBug

    MissJuneBug South of the Mason-Dixon Line

    That's an all too familiar feeling. Our son is an only child and having no other siblings to compare him to it's hard not to feel like we did something wrong. I know deep down, we didn't cause this. He was well-loved, taken care of, received a top notch education. All the adults in his life were emotionally strong, kind, caring, hard-working, very successful and responsible. He had great role models. We have been supportative, engaged and there for him all his life.

    This is him choosing to deal with life using very poor coping skills. Poor coping skills always lead to bad choices and more crisis and chaos that they are unable to cope with in a responsible manner. It because a self-perpetuating spiral.

    Like all of us, they have opportunities to learn how to deal with life without resorting to substance misuse and other irresponsible life choices. The work to do this isn't easy and takes a fair amount of time (a year or more of weekly counseling). Our rehab programs tend to be ineffective because usually insurance won't pay for more than 30-60 days. One counselor told us that's not enough time to get to know them, let alone have them develop strong coping mechanisms. If they can get into a year long program, they have much better success rates.

    Someone mentioned on another thread that although our children may be suffering from anxiety and/or depression or other mental health issues, that doesn't mean they get a pass on developing a responsible, adult lifestyle. I've thought about this a lot and I agree. They have an issue that has been identified, now it's up to them to 'do the work' and take the necessary medications. For someone who is motivated, there are services available in most cities and all but the most serious mental health issues are treatable and controllable to a large degree..... if the patient is motivated and compliant.

    So, at this point it becomes their responsibility to learn how to deal with life's ups and downs, how to support themselves and maintain good relationships. All of us on this forum have at various times sought treatment for our kids, directed them to the appropriate resources, tried motivating them, blah, blah, blah.... at the end of the day, it's their 'failure' for not working to improve their emotional intelligence and skills, not ours.
     
  9. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    PatriotsGirl, you are absolutely not a failure as a parent. I don't believe any of the parents here are. The people who come here, come seeking answers. They love their children. They want something better for troubled kids. That is never a failure.

    Have any of you read A Boy Called It by Dave Peltzer? Now HIS mother was a failure. She locked him in a basement and physically and emotionally abused him. She was a sick and twisted individual.

    Please don't think of yourself as a failure. We all make mistakes as parents; none of us is perfect. As long as we tried, loved, and kept trying with our kids, we aren't failures. Sometimes their choices make us feel that way, but they are really failing themselves.

    Be kind to yourself.
     
  10. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hi PG,
    As soon as I read your post I knew I had to respond as husband and I have been through this too.

    As you may recall both of my son's chose drugs/alcohol at around the age of 13. We went through years and years of insanity and pain with them. Today, One is homeless and one is running a million dollar company. Sadly, both still struggle with alcohol.

    But the one that really could have sealed the deal as far as feeling like a complete failure was our daughter. She was also arrested for possession at age 18...never in trouble before. But here's the thing...I always had a "gut feeling" that our daughter would land on her feet.

    Dear husband and I just had a talk about this this morning and husband reminded me that we are not in charge or responsible for the results. We are in charge with educating our children about the harmfulness of drugs and alcohol, addiction etc but not the results. They make their own choices in the moment and they do not reflect on us as their parents. What DOES reflect on us...in my humble opinion...is how we respond! It is in our Attitudes!

    Because I felt that our daughter would land on her feet regardless of life's obstacles...I didn't over react! And this is very important in my opinion. It's important to help our children see that they Can get through the consequences, that they Can make new choices, and Can succeed.

    Today our daughter is a college graduate and newly happily married. She and her husband are making 6 figures and planning to buy a house in the next 2 years. They are enjoying each other for a few more years too before deciding to have any children.
    The point is...Today our daughter is VERY happy, responsible and successful.
    I absolutely believe this can be the case for your son as well!

    Just wanted to reach out to you and maybe help you see that you really truly ARE a great parent. You have already gone through hell with one and made it to the other side...You and Dear husband can and will get through this period with your son too.

    Thinking of you...stay strong!
    Love,
    LMS
     
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 3
    • List