Here's a new one...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Mar 5, 2009.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Today, difficult child's treatment team informed me that the only thing they thought would come from me have a psychiatric evaluation was the need for family therapy because it's appears to them that I am just having trouble being a single parent and there seems to be a problem with the stresses I'm dealing with as a result of difficult child trying to grow up.:faint: They said this was causing a big problem with difficult child but that difficult child was willing and wanted to work on our relationship.

    Geez- if I'd only known that my stress was just due to being a single parent in spite of the fact that I've always been a single parent and we had no major issues until my son was nearly 11yo, and if I had known that my stress had nothing to do with the fact that my son had nearly caught himself on fire, has broken the law numerous times, was bolting out of the house at night and would leap out in front of my moving car when I'd go look for him, destroyed our house, self-injures, has to spend countless hours with mental health profs and in the courthouse leaving me no way to work full time and thus no way to cover bills, can't be left unsupervised or he does these things again, steals from me, has no friends because they ostracized him, is light years behind in school because he didn't go, whipped a knife out on me twice, has wiped me out financially dealing with all this, and will be sent to live someplace that I strongly believe will lead to my son being molested if I don't buy into this and commit to more countless hours with tdocs, psychiatrists, and a probation officer, while bills go unpaid, difficult child does what he wants, and we live in a house that depresses us both- I guess the problem could have been solved a long time ago if I just had dealt with my stress of being a single parent and let difficult child grow up.


    This came up after I told them I wasn't confortable with a psychiatric evaluation on me to see how I might be contributing to difficult child's problems consisting only of a written personality test to see where I deviate from the statistical norm by a psychiatric who knew nothing of me other than what he/she's been informed of by a person that had already made it clear that he thought I was the source of the problem. I asked if they did assessments on parents because I thought the assessment needed to be by someone who knew us both if it was to see how I'm effecting him and that it needed to be an adequate and thorough assessment. I told them I was more than willing to do that and that I had no problem seeing a therapist or going to family therapy if difficult child's is out of the home where I don't have to worry about him coming home to whip another knife out on me.

    They said they don't do assessments on parents there. They had previously said that they would probably be doing family therapy with us and asked if I was willing to do that and I said yes, but they have never brought it up again.

    I found it a little difficult to repsond to that synopsis of the problem. I tried, a little, but found myself starting to sound defensive so I stopped. I just left it like I would try to work things out with my son and asked that they convey their recommendations to the gal first-hand because no one seemed to be willing to listen or believe what I had to say. Then they asked if I was going to continue visiting difficult child. (Like I have ever stopped visiting him.) I told them yes.

    Ok, they want me to let him grow up. When he gets himself out of the legal trouble that he got himself into, when I am comfortable that he can and will live in my house without stealing from me or threatening me- in any way- and that he will do his best to follow house rules, comply with the law, and do his best in school, he can come back home. Now, what are they going to do to ensure that the home they send him to is better than the one he came from?

    I don't know who I'm angrier at. difficult child knows he's drained me dry and the last time I saw him, he had the attitude that he would just go live with my half-bro until I got all this back in order, then he'd come home. (He doesn't know of the risk there.) Personally, I feel like the more these people buy into that, the less likely it ever is that difficult child will grow up and the more likely it is that he will have explosions (either violent or illegal activity) any time he can't change others to be who he wants them to be.
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2009
  2. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator


    Not new though. Don't you know it's always the parent's fault? So sick of hearing this from "professionals.":sick:

    Hang in there
  3. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Yep, it's always the parent's fault. Especially if you happen to be a single parent. Yeah, right. Heard that one way too many times.

    I'm so sorry you're still having to deal with all this. Stay strong. many hugs.
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I still say that it is logical. A single parent has extra stress. A parent of a child who displays psychological problems has extra stress. A child who is stressed out...usually thinks the parent is the primary trigger. DUH!

    The goal, it seems to me, should be to stabilize the child. Offer support for both the child and the parent. It just ain't that complicated. :D

    Now...if you have a child who is trying to self-injure or self-destruct and a child who is a threat or endangerment for the parent AND THAT PARENT DOES NOT feel the stress. THEN, darn it, that is a major problem

    Yikes. Where has common sense gone. DDD
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Well, I think they need to do a thorough evaluation on me, which I am willing to do as long as it's comprehensive and unbiased and determine and make it clear to everyone if I am the CAUSE of the stresses and difficult child's problems or if WE BOTH have stressors that need to be addressed (individually and together) and then develop a treatment plan that is feasible- not a plan that requires 40% of our time in mental health stuff and 5% on probation- both being inconsistent- and leaving 55% of our time trrying to do what takes 80% of my time to keep a household going. Someone needs to be thinking all this through if they are going to be throwing orders around. Do I have any faith at all in that happening in this county? No. None. ZILCH.

    And it's a little hard for me to even consider a therapist from this county given that we tried it for family therapy before. He spent 3 mos assuring me that if I'd just go over MY family history agaain and he could FIND our file that he could help us. After that 3 mos of difficult child becoming more and more erratic, and I drove difficult child there and sat in the waiting room until the guy came out and saw us- or me because difficult child had ran down the road and hidden in the woods by that point, the therapist got a crisis counselor and cops to go find difficult child and told me he couldn't help, threw his arms up in the air and tdo'd difficult child. As soon as the paperwork got started, the therapist left because his working day was over. difficult child got to the psychiatric hospital and psychiatric hospital said he was not acute.

    After all I've been through with these people, I'm sure that any personality test would find me paranoid, anti-authority, and defiant. LOL! Notice, I'm not rushing out to find a therapist that makes me think like they want me to.
  6. ML

    ML Guest

    I don't understand why they have to blame anyone here. Most familes have some level of dysfunction and there is usually enough blame to swing around if that's the game. Mental illness isn't anyone's fault, it's a disease of the brain. It's so unfair that you are being treated as the villan. Of course you're under stress. My Gosh who wouldn't be under the circumstances. You are doing the best you can. I'm proud of you for never giving up. Hugs, ML
  7. shad16_12

    shad16_12 Member

    Yep...been there done can almost feel the tone change when they hear the answer to the question... "are you a single mom?"... If you ask for respect or try to discipline in front of them then your overbearing and controlling and if you don't then your overindulgent...There's no way to win.
  8. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks, ML. It appears that the debate is if difficult child is mentally ill or has his own issues or all his psychilogical and behavioral issues he has just a result of me raising him. It doesn't help clarify things when there's a psychiatrist saying I'm just stressed because I'm a single parent, yet giving him a diagnosis of a mood disorder at the same time and working on adjusting the medications for mood stabilization that difficult child has been on for 2 years. (difficult child has been on MS's for 2 years +or-; not the same ones).

    And, to me at least, I can't help but wonder how and why they can determine that if I'm mmore over-protective then some parents that this casued the problem, so difficult child will be sent to a home where the only scrutiny the person has gotten is a home interview by dss (when the SO used to work for dss) and a criminal background check. I guess since I've been determined as a single mom who's stressed out and "has difficulties letting her child grow up", and have lived with a PO telling difficult child this while getting phone calls from the PO saying I need to make sure difficult child stays supervised 24/7 or else I'll be held accountable, this automaitcally disqualifies me and discredits anything I say and the other "home" is the place difficult child should be.
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2009
  9. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    You're wise to stick up for what you want in the evaluation. Keep at it. YOu aren't refusing to do it, you just want an unbiased person to do it. Kudos.

    You have done all you can possibly do for this boy/ You are a warrior in every sense of the word.
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    One thing....if she worked in that county's DSS...that county CANT do the home study. It had to be done by a different county. Just for what its worth. Its a conflict of interest.
  11. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I was (am) a single parent, with TWO difficult children. Yeah, it's incredibly stressful. Yeah, being a single parent makes it doubly so. Especially when there is NO extended family to help, whatsoever (I'm in that same boat with you, too). Family therapy is helpful, was helpful for us. Leanring to deal withyour own stress over your difficult child's actions is crucial that's for sure. But, that doesn't make it your "fault," nor does it mean that your stress caused the problem (although admittedly, I could see where my stress contributed to the problem.. at least, made it harder for things to get better. By not dealing with my own stress and reactions to my difficult children, it made it doubly hard to deal with a difficult child in full crisis mode. The old "if you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of anyone else." But you are getting therapy for yourself, and they can't ignore that completely. Perhaps semi-agreeing with them (it throws them off when you do that) by saying "yup, you're right, I'm stressed out ... and I'm doing the best I can to take care of myself by getting my own therapy while I deal with all of this.. thanks for your concern... " yada yada.

    I know it's hard not to take it personally when they come back at you with comments like that. I hear you on thinking that's what the other "powers that be" sometimes think it's the parent's fault. It's up to us to prove them wrong, simply by continuing to be great advocates, eduating ourselves about the psychiatric issues and the system, and remaining as steady and cool as possible when dealing with the idiots ... man, that took a lot of practice fo rme. That doesn't mean I didn't get ticked off at someone and show it, when necessary (the director of social services for my county will NEVER forget me, I am sure of that... lol)

    I think you're doing well in explaining your feelings about the test, and asking for it to be adminstered a certain way. The courts aren't used to parents who are so well-versed in psychiatric tests, that's for sure, so it wouldn't occur to them to do it any other way. But hey, they can learn something too.

    HUGS. You're doing great.
  12. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It just occurred to me to add... my comments re the stress of 2 difficult children were directed (hypothetically) to the psychiatric hospital recommendations, not to you ... didn't want you to think I was comparing situations.. just that, DUH, single parents, stress .. to the psychiatric hospital...
  13. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks, Ladies, for your support! I know everyone means well and is trying to be supportive. There is a difference, though, between psychiatrist telling gal that I need some help or we need family therapy to deal with all that's going on and psyc issues, etc, and telling gal that being a single mom to a teen boy trying to grow up is more stress than I can deal with. I can't believe that they can't see how the system's "help" is what causes more stress for us- they could have at least checked with difficult child's individual therapist from home to see what he was saying were difficult child's stressors.

    And it is beyond me that people can't see the difference that is made when people in the system are backing up the parent to the kid instead of undermining the authority of the parent. difficult child knew that it would be me to suffer more than him no matter what he did wrong. He knew the PO disagreed with me no matter what and that the gal just tried to get him the easiest life and his defense attny is there to get him the least punishment. difficult child knew I had a fear of something like this happening. I don't see how he will ever learn accountability this way. Still, no one, and especially a kid, deserves to be forced to grow up by being molested.

    I don't want anything to do with this therapist I started with anymore. Besides not wanting to own up to the very advice she gave me and acting like she just wanted business with the county and a few other things that don't add up quite right, she advised me last week to just protect myself and let difficult child go and the county would take care of him. Ok, I understand that when it's a person's job and not their own kid they aren't going to care as much, but seriously, I feel like I am the only one looking at finding a solution that keeps myself safe, gets difficult child help and consequences, work on family issues, and get difficult child home someday, instead of just jumping to some black or white rash "solution".

    What hoovers is that the gal knows how I feel about difficult child going to my bro and she knows why and she either doesn't believe me, doesn't care, or is using this as another ax over my head. And if difficult child went there to live, he would be too far away to have to live with this county "help". There would be no one making sure he gets therapist and psychiatrist help, they would not be living with the same pressures and scrutiny, but those would be the guardians that need it. Oh- ok- dss offically would be overseeing it but in the state he's in- that's a joke.

    People (psychiatrist, dss, difficult child's defense attny, etc) tell me that it's crucial to sit down with gal and discuss these things. Apparently, something is awry because gal has never sat down and discussed things before she already has her mind made up. She must assume that anything I'd tell her would be a lie som why bother, I don't know. I don't know if she's supposed to sit down and discuss things with me in situations like this or if she's doing her job "objectively" but I know that she has NEVER gotten all the facts before going to court. I always felt like she should have discussed things with me and if she had doubt about them, then she should check into them to see if I was telling the truth or not, before making her mind up and going to court. But she never has and she has been involved off and on for 2 years now.

    I'd fight to difficult child home in a second to avoid this alternative, but difficult child would be a nightmare if he came home with me having consequences and him having none after what he did. He would think he could get by with murder. And actually, he might be right.

    I'm going to discuss some things with difficult child this weekend. He needs to know that if this happens, which it probably will, that he can contact some people to get some help and let somebody know what's going on. Then of course, I'll probably get in trouble next week for upsetting difficult child, but carp, no one else is even discussing with him that he could end up there.
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2009
  14. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    You know klmno, this all sounds like you are so suspicious or paranoid about these people. Could it really be that every.single. person. has their own agenda? Just what is it, do you suppose, that will be their gain if your son goes to live with your step bro? Why would they be so insistant on that? I don't get it. I also know that the written word in this forum cannot express or cover every little thing going on. Your instincts could be right on the money, as I usually trust my own instincts. I know you spoke about hiring an attorney, but then chose not to. With all the conflicted feelings you are having, don't you think it would be in YOUR best interest to do so, no matter the cost? I would also think that if I had beliefs like you are as to what their future plans are, I would for sure be getting EVERYTHING in writing and submitting that to the court. I would also stop at nothing and would make this the most public case I could. Have you exposed these events to the newspaper, your state representative, your county attorney, etc.? You know, we are all human and we all make mistakes in the raising of our children. We all, single parents or not, especially with difficult child's have tremendous stressors placed upon us for long periods of time. Heck, my difficult child is 24 yrs. old and we're still living the effects of her issue's. That one thing is not enough to remove a child from his mother. Maybe I've lived under a rock or something my whole life, but in my opinion, something is wrong with this story and you need help resolving it. Is there anything that one of us here could do to help you? I do hope you can find some peace soon!
  15. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    It's the way our law is written. When a child is already in Department of Juvenile Justice for delinquent acts or found "A child in Need of Services", which my son is both, the juvenile judge has options of commitment to state juvy, order mental health treatment, etc., and order the parent to do whatever they want if they want to keep the child with the parent. If the child continues to exhibit problems (and my son already has), they can turn the child over to dss. Dss can either 1) place the child somewhere with an agreement with the parent and the parent keeps parental rights. Or 2) place the child wherever they want without parental agreement. Normally, this is only done in cases of abuse or neglect, however, it doesn't matter, if the child is turned over to dss by Department of Juvenile Justice, dss has the say-so over the placement but the law requires that dss look at family placement first and if there is a family member that is willing to accept the child, passes a criminal background check, and a home interview, then that is where the child goes. Period. Dss has already explained this to me.

    Now, whether or not my son gets turned over to dss will be ordered based on the gal's recommendation to the court, I feel certain. The gal started down this road when she first got involved 2 years ago, then she tried to get me to agree to it after that when I was having trouble getting my son mental health treatment on my own. I think she's somehwat "trigger happy" with getting dss involved. In our case, difficult child became a danger to himself and me, making it me who felt like he needed a residential placement. But, I guess the gal's idea of remaining objective means that I either find a way to get difficult child into Residential Treatment Center (RTC) myself, which I'm still trying to do, or they order him home with me being court ordered to have mental health treatment, among other things (this would be their efforts to prevent out-of-home placement), or turn difficult child over to dss.

    I would have no problem remaining in mental health stuff, but it needs to be an accurate assessment, in as much as possible. I also think it will make things worse for difficult child to come home right now. I think if he goes someplace else, they need to ensure it's with a guardian who can do better for difficult child than me, but they don't check all that. It's the law.

    I would get an attny, but I can't afford one. I'm trying to dig in our law enough to determine if a court appointment attny must be assigned if they are going to turn my son over to dss. My biggest concern is that I'm not willing to follow a court ordered treatment plan (therapy and medications) that is based on a diagnosis that came from one personality test alone (written- no interview or personal history) and have difficult child come back home on probation so he gets no consequences for holding a knife to my neck on 2 different occassions but instead I get court orders. If I had been abusing him or neglecting him, I can see this. But that was not the case. So, I have bucked that as an acceptable solution. I love my son and will get an assessment by people who can determine how I might be contributing to the problem if they are willing to actually give that kind of assessment. I will go to family therapy if my son is in Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I will work with them on other things if it is deemed necessary.

    They might consider all that or they might not. They might just decide that since I bucked their personality test and the PO feels like I'm just over-protective and the psychiatrist has bought that I'm just stressed over being a single parent (yes- those are his words- not that I was stresswed over the legal stuff, psychiatric problems, etc) and don't want difficult child to grow up (which I'm sure came from difficult child), that I am not in difficult child's interest. That automatically gets difficult child into dss, which automatically gets a family placement. It appears that this is the way it's going.

    If it was a true custody case, they would have to compare the 2 parents equally to see which one was in the best interest of the child. So both parents might be getting a personality test. But in this case, it is not a custody hearing between 2 parents. So, my bro might be twice as bad as me, for lack of better term, but it doesn't matter.

    It hoovers. I would just promise whatever they want to prevent this, but I've been down that road for over a year and a half and difficult child knew it and apparently, has been manipulating the carp out of me with it. So going back into that with more ability for him to manipulate it would be a set up for disaster in my mind. And what would it prove? What would happen when he doesn't go to school again or puts a knife up to me again or breaks another law? difficult child has gotten sign after sign from these people that they will blame me for it, not him and no matter what they say, I end up with more consequences then he does. It would do no good for me to try this route anyway because the gal is using it against me that I was going to all these agencies and trying to get help before things got to this point- instead of them looking at it like I was doing everything I could to do what was in difficult child's best interest, the gal is conveying it more like I can't handle the situation so someone else should step in- not to help, but to either work on me or get difficult child out of the home.

    If they place him anywhere else besides my bro or someplace where I don't have to worry about abuse, then so be it. But, I've already been told that unless I can get him in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and the gal and judge approve of that, that's it. So, in this situation, it is easier for my bro to get custody of difficult child than it would be for bio-father, even if we had been married ten years and even though my bro has only seen difficult child about 10 times, because then the bio-father would have to prove that he is a BETTER parent than me.

    I personally thought this allowed the judge to get difficult child into Residential Treatment Center (RTC) somehow and that she would once we had a letter from psychiatrist recommending it. But, the judge says she can't order it. Also,- look at 6.A toward the bottom of that link- the gal could already have my bro prepared to be in court and the judge could automatically transfer custody to him and he does not have to prove that he would be a better parent. Since this is the second time now that gal has gotten all this stirred up, I can assure you that I will NEVER buy that they are just worried about my stress level.

    And paranoid- you bet- how much would anybody be able to trust a system and starts out with you haaving your child arrested for pulling a knife out on you after they took NO action when you tried to get help to prevent it from happening again and you leave the court room with them discussing letting the kid go but you're ordered a psychiatric evaluation. Upon request of the CA. And, with the treatment plan that I've already described, how willing would you be to bring your difficult child home under those circumstances?

    If I was too stressed at being a single mom and that's what casued all difficult child's issues, I'd like to sue the carp out of every psychiatrist that evaluation'd difficult child and gave him a diagnosis and rx'd him medications. Notice that the very psychiatrist saying this now is still rx'ing difficult child MS's. And if psychiatrist and others are just trying to say this stuff to me to get me to do what they want, maybe they should try leveling with me instead of manipulating me.
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2009
  16. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    How could you not be stressed, sickened and just out right ticked off!
    I don't think I would have been able to hold it together as well as you have up to this point?
    The whole thing with your brother would have pushed me.

    Of course you are having a hard time how could you not? You job is affected, your home, your child has been dragged in and out of school Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s, with no help or stability.

    When a doctor or any one even hints that my issues contribute to K's issues my first reaction is to knock their block off, even if they are a little bit right.
    Just because they do not see how much we fight and work and cry at night. The struggles the pain... all that you have done for your child.

    They can just dismiss it with a simple, you need a psychiatric evaluation.
    It is so easy to blame, to not support.

    Your case is so complex. I think there are far too many people involved at this point, they likely do not communicate, and when they try to, it gets jumbled and becomes a mess.
    If one person doesn't *like* you why should they go out of their way to try and really help you?

    It just stinks. And while your case is complex the sad fact is, there is likely a lot of people out there who are getting the same treatment. Or lack there of.
  17. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks, Toto. I am sickened and hopeless. If they were just saying that my issues contributed to difficult child's, I could deal with that. Shoot, I've gone to numerous tdocs asking what I could do differently/better, how I might be triggerring him, etc. I've come to this board welcoming ideas on how to deal with difficult child better. That isn't exactly what I'm hearing now- it isn't gut feeling- it's what I'm being told. And a psychiatric evaluation that's really an assessment of how I'm contributing to difficult child's problems is one thing. What they ordered is another. It is so absurd that no one would believe it- even my own therapist said there must be something that they see that I'm not telling her. There isn't- it's just that no one wants to believe that people in the system can really just go with what they hear instead of looking deeper and checking the details and that can lead to things getting to this point.

    I doubt very seriously that I'm the first parent that has been depleted of resources trying to do what they all want only to have the child taken and sent to someone who is woorse of a parent. But instead of them ever realizing how they scr**ed up, they have the parent that they will blame forever and the kid will learn that, if he/she doesn't know it already. There's no doubt in my mind that if difficult child goes to my bro and ends up in a psychiatric hospital or court again that they will all say it's because he isn't over the damage I did to him. They seriously are acting like I have abused or seriously neglected this child, but I swear, there are not even accusations or reports to this nature, much less a substantiated investigation.

    It starts with things like the CA coming up to me 2 mins before court starts and asking why difficult child missed so much school. Now given that we had previously spoken on the phone and this never came up, we were there for difficult child holding the knife to me, the sd had marked difficult child excused for absences, difficult child had acute psychiatric hospital stays during that time and I was taking him to psychiatrist for medication changes between, and there was no truancy charge, I did not come to court with paper work to prove any of this. I tried to hurry and explain this to the CA before we went into court because I knew we'd be called in any min, and we were. But CA said something like me not making difficult child go to school right before we went into court. So, during court, this came up along with gal saying they had no problem with difficult child- only him getting there. So of course, it makes me look like a parent who never cared that difficult child wasn't going. This is just one example of how things have turned into a nightmare.

    The CA was supposed to be representing the "victim" which was me in that case, but I had advocated for his charges to be reduced and for him to get mental health treatment (Residential Treatment Center (RTC)) instead of commitment to state juvy. I must have done too good of a job. I'm just spent on it all. They have it turned around so far that they want difficult child to walk away with no consequences but a court order for me. I told difficult child when this incident happened that he will have to earn his way back home, and that would include family therapy which I would participate in. Now, difficult child sits there and tells me he'll go live with my bro and "when I get myself straightened out and our home back in shape, he'd like to come back home" and he has the court backing him up. And they wonder why I can't keep him under control?. Our home in shape- that would be damage all over the house that he did. Do you know how I feel about all this? And they are blaming me for the child/parent relationship problems?

    There are people blaming me for not giving him enough consequences and there are those saying he shouldn't get any consequences because it's my fault. The only thing these people can agree on is that I'm to blame. No one- not ONE single person has peeled that onion back another layer to look at specificly WHAT parental decision did I make that was the source of this, and when I try to talk about things like that, the others change the subject. This has been a repetitive thing.

    The place difficult child is now asked me a month ago or more if I was willing to do family therapy with difficult child there. I said yes. They have not asked me ONCE to come and do it.

    now really, if I had been the one to walk into court for this saying it was all my fault, difficult child is a great kid and should be let go, it's my own problem that caused him to do this, what would people be saying to me?

    Furthermore, I don't think these people think through a single thing. I mentioned to psychiatrist last week that if I'm going to individual therapy, and taking difficult child to his plus a psychiatrist and we're going to family therapy on top of it, just exactly how are we supposed to go to school and work full time? Wouldn't that require both of us being in a psychiatric hospital together so we can work on mental health full time?My therapist wanted me to commit to seeing her once a week- right before she told me that she only does morning hours and has nothing open next week.
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2009
  18. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to this. Your story is just unbelievable! I just can't imagine exactly what's in it for them to have things turn out this way. I know it's difficult to access help, but when you finally get to where you are at now, why throw it all out the window. If it's $$$, that just doesn't make sense because your difficult child is still in the psychiatric hospital and that costs money, if he's turned over to dss, that will still cost money with caseworker involvement, therapy, and court hearings.

    You have spent a lot of energy trying to figure out every possible thing they could do or think or say and how to counteract that. I wonder if you concentrated on WHY. Why are they doing this? More importantly, what's in it for them? I think your answer lies in Why.

    Have you thought about going public with your situation? Again, I would make sure I was heard loud and clear if I thought there was an injustice against me!

    Is there anything, anyone on this board can do to help you? Here are a couple of leads that could be helpful.

    State Protection and Advocacy Agency
    Each State has a protection and advocacy agency that receives funding from the Federal Center for Mental Health Services. Agencies are mandated to protect and advocate for the rights of people with mental illnesses and to investigate reports of abuse and neglect in facilities that care for or treat individuals with mental illnesses. These facilities, which may be public or private, include hospitals, nursing homes, community facilities, board and care homes, homeless shelters, jails, and prisons. Agencies provide advocacy services or conduct investigations to address issues that arise during transportation or admission to such facilities, during residency in them, or within 90 days after discharge from them. Contact:

    Virginia Office for Protection & Advocacy
    1910 Byrd Avenue, Suite 5
    Richmond, VA 23230
    Phone: 804-225-2042 (TDD)
    Toll-free: 800-552-3962 (Statewide)
    Fax: 804-662-7057

    Advocacy Organizations
    Local chapters of Mental Health America (formerly the National Mental Health Association) have information about community services and engage in national and State level advocacy. For more information about the association, write or call:

    Paula Price, Executive Director
    Mental Health America of Virginia
    530 East Main Street, Suite 707
    Richmond, VA 23219
    Phone: 804-225-5591
    Fax: 804-225-5593

    NAMI Virginia
    P.O. Box 8260
    Richmond, VA 23226-0260
    Phone: 804-285-8264
    Toll-free: 888-486-VAMI (8264)
    Fax: 804-285-8464

    Statewide consumer organizations are run by and for consumers of mental health services and promote consumer empowerment. These organizations provide information about mental health and other support services at the State level and are active in addressing and advocating for mental health system issues. For information about consumer activities in your area, contact:

    Office of Legislation and Public Relations
    Department of Mental Health, Mental Retardation and Substance Abuse Services
    P.O. Box 1797
    1220 Bank Street
    Richmond, VA 23219-1797
    Phone: 804-786-9048
    Fax: 804-371-0092

    Virginia Organization of Consumers Asserting Leadership
    P.O. Box 477
    Richmond, VA 23218
    Phone: 804-343-1777
    Toll-free: 888-771-2030
  19. eekysign

    eekysign New Member

    Call Legal Aid. You're not working, correct? So you have no income, currently?

    If not, ask if they might be able to help you find someone else who works with low income clients. If not, look through this list:

    Honestly, you're doing yourself a disservice by not getting someone to represent your rights in this. Keep calling around to attorneys until you find something. This circus needs to end, and you are going around in circles on the unicycle right now.
  20. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thank you. I've already been in contact with the first three- they don't/can't help with our situation. You'd be surprised at the people who still don't want to get involved once a kid has been "hooked" by Department of Juvenile Justice. I haven't tried the last two.

    Where does it come from- the only thing I can figure is my bro calling around trying to get custody a couple of years ago and putting seeds of doubt in all these people's minds that because I've been to therapy in my past, I am ruining my child, plus a gal who "protects" the child by laying blame on the parent (yes, I do think that's her way), and therapist's and psychiatrist's that don't know what to do other than what they do. I've had more than one end up throwing their arms up in the air, aloong with a PO who just says I'm over protective and instead of people asking specificaly what she's basing that on, they just take her word. Add all that together with a kid who isn't "cured" yet, and well, it must be me. People ASSUME that if a parents' family isn't backing them, something must be wrong with the parent. The PO always acted like she had an attitude toward me. I'd heard from others- even legal people- that it's her personality. But after I testified about my childhood abuse and rape and therapy, the PO treated me like I had the plague and always agreed with difficult child no matter what he said. It really isn't difficult child's fault that he's sitting there blaming me for everything. That;'s what the safety net taught him.

    And look at how this works- because I put myself thru therapy in my early twenties, than I have permanent mental illness that has ruined my child- at the same time, I'm in trouble for not getting mental health care. My bro on the other hand, has more issues than me but has never gone to a therapist in his life, so he must be healthier for difficult child.

    And- if I have horrible mental illeness but am not a harm to my child or causing him a problem, they are not legally allowed to order me on medications or in therapy unless I was a danger to self or others. My hands shake when I'm nervous. I'm nervous in court. People in court used to assume that I was on meth. I am not. I had tdocs, psychiatrists, and physicians check everything and try everything imaginable years ago and no one has an answer. My father had the same issue. Did this cause difficult child's problems? No. And I refuse to take an addictive medication to try to cure it- it won't and quite frankly, if it bothers other people I think it's their problem, not mine. Can they take my word for this? Apparently not. I have previously been diagnosis'd with depression and anxiety and I suspect PTSD, although I was never told that one, and I put myself thru a rehab to get off cocaine when I was 20yo. That's it- nothing else. The gal and judge already know this. No, I don't do illegal drugs now and have had no problem since the rehab over 25 years ago. My bro did drugs too and probably still does- but see, that doesn't matter because he never went to get help. Thhis is the kind of carp we are dealing with. I can't even prove it because the records have long since been destroyed, I'm sure.

    No one in my family understands how the dysfunction can effect everyone- not just a
    problem person" more than me. No one wants and tries to break this chain with my son more than me. But I swear, I doon't think it's me enabling difficult child. I think it's the PO and my family and now the idiotic CA who is supposed to be prosecuting a kid for holding a knife to his mother's neck.

    I told them all about my therapy when I testified last year. I told them it was detrimental to me to have people try to take over it because I had to be kept in control of my own mental health in order to stay responsible for it. I tried to explain it- I did start with a therapist for myself last fall. They don';t even want all that - yet- they wanted me to do nothing but a personality test then order me a diagnosis and therapy based on that. The test isn't supposed to be used alone for a diagnosis, much less a treatment plan. The person interpreting the test results and making the diagnosis and treatment plan knows nothing about me except what the mst guy told them. This test picks up on what areas a person deviates from statistical norms- it doesn't say why and it certainly can't determine how, if at all, it efffects or triggers difficult child. That would all be up to the tester to determine. That is why they are supposed to do a thorough assessment to come up with a diagnosis and so forth. I was told they would NOT be doing that. And the tester has never even met difficult child- how could the person possibly know what is triggering him? Wr've had psychiatrists and tdocs involved for over 3 years and none of them could tell me what was triggering difficult child, but one person giving me nothing but one written personlaity test can? BS. So WHY are they wanting me to take it? That is a darn good question. So they can find something and continue to blame me instead of treating difficult child maybe? They could send him home and save their money for Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Maybe people still can't accept those that have been raped as a kid, had a drug problem, was suicidal, and went to therapy, as ever being competent to raise a child and be "normal". Maybe they are just like my family- I will be defective all my life. And this is NOT what I have tried to teach difficult child- even though he doesn't know the half of it.
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2009