He's still not home.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Mar 30, 2010.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Detach. Detach. Detach. I'm thinking I should just handle this the way I talked to him when he was in Department of Juvenile Justice- "I'm sorry son but it's your life to live, not mine, I can't make the choices for you and I can't change the consequences. I had hoped you would make better choices."

    Any other ideas? It sure isn't effective when he sees me more worried or caring more than he is/does.
  2. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You mentioned in your other post that you thought he might have gone to a boy's house up the street to play video games until his parents got home - I would imagine they are home by now. Do you have their phone number? I would give them a call and let them know you are looking for difficult child. I would assume he should have been home at least three hours ago or more right?

    Given his past history, was there no protocol set up with PO should this happen?

    I'm sorry k, I know this is tough. Hugs.

  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    No protocol set up- remember- GAL and previous PO thought it was all my fault. I'm just to report to PO next week how difficult child has done with these rules of house arrest and he'd gotten off if he'd done well. I don't have the boy's phone number anymore because it was about 2-3 years ago when they hung around each other before- this isn't the "best friend". Either way- I'm not doing the chasing and hunting again. difficult child is old enough now that I refuse to do it unless I truly was to think he was snatched or missing- in the true sense of the word.

    Yep- he should have been home 3 hours ago.

    He disappeared overnight in 6th grade- never came home from school. I tried to file a missing child report on him with police and they laughed and refused to do it. They were right- he showed up at school the next morning. He'd told a parent of a friend (who I'd never met or spoken to) that I said it was ok for him to spend the night- never mind that it was a school night and he had nothing at all with him indicating a planned sleepover- and that parent bought it and let him stay without so much as a phone call.
  4. I like your statement about not letting him know you care more than he does. I think that's important. I always questioned how much rope to give my boy to hang himself. I retrospect, it didn't matter. He would have done it with a shoelace. Hope you can find some peace this evening.
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    When he felt responsible for his own future and such he did much better- of course it appears now that he was just planning this the whole time. Still- he wants to be treated like he's old enough to make he's own choices- then he can suffer his own consequences.

    I tried to tell them it would be better if he went to a group home first. For one, he'll do anything to get and keep friends' attention and he and I live alone. After living in Department of Juvenile Justice with other male offenders this is only worse- I tried to tell his therapist there this but everyone seemed to act like I was just saying "oh he's just acting this way to get friends"- no - difficult child seriously will do anything for peer acceptance. For another, they are so bound on blaming me for it all that they tend to slap difficult child on the hand and ream me during times like this until he gets to a point of commiting a major illegal offense again- if he was in a group home they wouldn't handle these things the same. But, they only have group homes for boys this age who have committed sexual offenses or other things that don't apply to difficult child and I was told he would more than likely get abused there- which is where I've always drawn the line- and exactly why I have to handle things so delicately so he isn't turned over to DSS , thereby virtually handing my bro custody.

    difficult child will probably end up running away and even tonight I don't know if he has already.
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2010
  6. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry you are having to deal with all of this especially so soon. Gentle hugs.
  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    He just tried to sneak in the back door- his story is that someone stole his brand new back pack and he's been looking for them. He came thru the door acting mad over this. I just asked if it had the sd laptop in it that he's supposed to get this week (since I had to pay for one 2 years ago because he destroyed it). He said no- only his homework.

    In a way it's no wonder he's trying something so bogus- he could have told this to his last PO and she would have sympathized and told me I should have gone looking. Honestly- if it was true he would have come home first ranting and raving. But it couldn't have been stolen if he'd been keeping up with it. So the whole story is either bogus or he threw it in someone's yard when he got off the bus (an old trick of his) and when he went back to get it after playing, it was gone.
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2010
  8. At least for now he's safe. Now he can pick up the mess he's made.
  9. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    If my alter ego ever snaps he might not be all that safe. LOL! I knew I should have invested in duct tape.

    And of course, we missed the teen program on drinking due to him coming home after it was 60% over.
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2010
  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    difficult child expanded on his story. I'm not holding my breath that it's the truth but if there's any shread of truth in it, it might be a lesson learned. He said he was on the bus talking to his friends and when it was his bus stop and he turned around to get his backpack- it was gone. It had his JROTC ribbons from the Department of Juvenile Justice school's jrotc in it. So now they are lost and he's upset and he says that is why he went to everyone's house trying to find them. I definitely don't believe this is exactly the whole truth, but do think he lost (or it was stolen) and now his ribbons are gone. I have no idea why he had them with him today- unless it was to show them off- because he didn't have that class today- he has it tomoroow and he was supposed to take the ribbons in then. I told him to ask the leader what HE (difficult child) needed to do to get verification from the last place that he earned them so he could get them replaced.

    I also reminded him that not only had he broken parole requirements a few times and that would probably set his release from house arrest back, but that he shouldn't bank on getting off parole in 6 months anymore. He went to bed then.

    I find the loss of his prized ribbons rather symbolic. I hope he gets the point.
  11. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Is there any way you can report in to PO sooner than next week?

    Waiting til next week...even if tonight WAS the truth...seems counterproductive to me. difficult child is on parole and house arrest. If he went to all these houses, I'm betting at least one had a phone to call you and let you know what was goiing on as he continued to search....
  12. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I agree, if it is true, he could have called or come home first. he is on parole. This has to become reality for him someday. I don't know how? But I hope I hope it does soon.
    I am so sorry for your anguish
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Hugs. This must be intensely frustrating and aggravating for you. The loss of the prized ribbons IS symbolic. He got them for doing what he was supposed to. He wasn't supposed to take them to school today. He did anyway. Now they are lost. He IS supposed to take them to school tomorrow and now he cannot. I bet he won't see his responsibility in this. Maybe the school jrotc will make him earn them again instead of just having him contact jrotc at Department of Juvenile Justice. THAT might make him see that he has to be more responsible. But probably wouldn't.

    I think the PO needs to get a lot more involved. I hope he will, but won't hold my breath. I would continue to call the PO each time difficult child does not follow the rules. Maybe then the PO would see that difficult child NEEDS someone to make a big point about following the rules.

    I won't hold my breath.

    I am so sorry that you cannot get help with all of this.

  14. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Oh I'm sure it isn't the entire truth or he would have come home first- if he had just been on the bus with his backpack, I don't see how it could have been stolen with a fight ensuing. And the whole story could be fabricated for all I know. It doesn't bother me that he had the ribbons in there yesterday though because he had taken them on Monday and they didn't have time to talk about how to transfer them, so he just left them in his backpack for today. I think their "loss" is symbolic because he can lose everything he tries to work for if he keeps putting "friendships" as his highest priority. This can only lead to him having stuff to talk about to the other guys when he's back in Department of Juvenile Justice. Sadly, he might prefer that to living out here ITRW and not having "friends". (I'm putting that word in quotes because true friendships aren't based on this kind of koi.)

    Really, the backpack could have been confiscated by a teacher (he had a mp3 player with him at school) or he could have sold it or left it outside while going to play and someone took it. He could have lost it at school because I just got it for him this past weekend so he wasn't used to keeping up with it. He could have decided he didn't like it and ditched it. Who knows.

    I will be calling the PO later today after I get some things done that have to be done today. If I call him first, I'll end up not getting this stuff done.
  15. ML

    ML Guest

    My heart is just sick that he seems to be making the same mistakes again. I do get what you are saying about peer acceptance. It's like survival for them. I wish I had answers and have to say this must feel like a nightmare you never get to wake up from. Hugs, ML
  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I dont get the whole idea about you not calling to report problems in between weekly appointments. Thats insane. I could see that for minor things with a therapist but for violations of parole with a parole officer? Nope...cant see it. I was expected to call on Cory when he was an adult!

    They get paid to do a job whether they want to do that job or not. I would be forcing them to do their job.
  17. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    PO didn't tell me not to call- he said to tell him at our next meeting how difficult child does on the house arrest rules. I did call him when difficult child violated by drinking- PO still took 2 days to return my call then. PO won't be coming by to do house checks- he said the mentor helps monitor difficult child in that way, although the mentor will only be coming at previously scheduled times. I'm still trying to figure all this out, too. Apparently this house arrest is nothing like when difficult child was on the ankle bracelet awaiting trial a couple of years ago. However, when he was on probation I was to just call and leave a message- sometimes that PO called back and sometiimes she just waited and dealt with it at the next visit. difficult child won't have weekly visits with PO- he'll only see him once a month unless PO increases it after this and he might want to move this visit up a couple of days.

    I think the way they handle things must depend on the specific concern they way with that juvenile. When they let difficult child come home after setting the brush fire (he was awaiting trial), they had him on an ankle bracelet and jumped at the slightest infraction. This is more of a test to see if difficult child is going to comply with rules ITRW, like staying home when he's supposed to. Every day he breaks that he digs himself in deeper. PO asked about how he was doing in this regard when I talked to him about the drinking incident. At that point difficult child had done fine with staying home so I figured if he only messed up on Monday and we had a mentor start this week, I'd just tell the mentor. But, we still have no mentor in place and difficult child did even worse yesterday so I'm going to call PO later today. I have to get something done for work and get aa car inspection today though so I'm waiting until later this afternoon to call. There is noo one to call after hours so I couldn't call last night. Of course if difficult child became violent, I'm calling 911 and skipping the PO, and I've already told all of them that.
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2010
  18. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I would call the PO today. This is a pretty significant violation, he wasn't a few minutes late, he was gone for hours, with no phonecall. Honestly, I think if you don't call, you may be faced with many more evenings of a missing difficult child before your next scheduled check-in.
  19. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm going to when I get back from my car appointment. I can't reschedule it because it's due today as the latest. If I can get this work done and sent it early enough, I'll call before I go but I HAVE to get this out. PO's in juvenile court spend most of the day in court anyway and spend afternoons dealing with the kids and parents so I'm more likely to catch the PO mid-or late afternoon. Maybe he can return my call about the time difficult child should be getting home but I think PO's leave at 4:30- at least the probation officer did and she made issue if we had to meet 5 mins after that.
  20. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Might I suggest that you keep a daily journal showing the positives and the negatives so the PO will have a clear picture of progress made as well as the backsliding. Written notes always seem to be more effective than verbal narratives when dealing with difficult child issues. DDD