His plan failed... same broken record

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by joysheph, Feb 4, 2019.

  1. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    I have posted how my son (30) relapse and I kicked him out. So he decided to live in his car parked in front of my house. Well one of my neighbors called the police yesterday. Why didn't I? I am uncertain i just ignored him sleeping in the car as i drove off or walked thru my door. I have no clue why i allowed him to park his car there? I had my peace inside and he has his in his car in the cold. I can't explain why i did nothing.
    Well the cops said that he couldn't sleep in his car parked in the neighborhood. Well he ended up having warrants for failure to appear so he was arrested. The car was towed since it wasnt put in his name after purchasing it. There goes that plan he had. He planned to pay fines and save money for a place. Evidently he did not pay his fines. That plan failed!
    Beforehand I had asked him why he only wants to work part time hours when hes capable of working a second job. That's what I've learned here...its his life his actions his plan.
    Honestly I could go for the idea of him gone for awhile. That's hateful but I cant seem to get thru his head that I'm done. I cant help him. I can love that's it. I am glad that plan came to an end because it made me sick seeing him just sitting there day after day and night in his car with no one. Why I don't know? I wonder what's next him hiding in the garage again? If I could throat punch him I would. I'm just so sick of this same broken record.
    Joysheph
     
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    First I want to tell you how sorry I am that this is happening, and how I wish for you (and me) that we did not have to deal with this hard, hard thing.
    My 30 year old son has been sleeping in his friend's truck for six months. At least it's in a town 3 hours away and not in front of my house. That would make me sick.

    But he was squatting in the backyard of a home I own. It was horrible. He slept on the dirt. And all he did was smoke marijuana and drink energy drinks. It made me sick.

    I know what it is to just not know what to do. Where there are no good options at all. I can completely understand why you did not force the issue of his sleeping in front of the house. I wish the neighbor had called you first. But maybe they did you a favor.

    I have sometimes thought of buying my son a cheap RV. With an RV somebody can "boondock" or live free on public land. In cities near me there are many people who live on city streets in RV's. (I am not recommending this.)

    Is your son mentally ill?
     
  3. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    I am debating the RV idea many times. I had him placed in a mental illness center for a psychiatric evaluation a few times. There is a diagnosis of bipolar, PTSD, borderline personality disorder but its uncertain if the diagnosis is drug induced. Each time he was released to a shelter. He refuses pysch medications or to continue follow up care. He wont try to get SSI however he gets foodstamps.
    That car was all he had. But he had no driver's license or insurance. He has a job at a restaurant about a mile from my house. I'm pretty sure that's why he parked on the curb.
    Copa I am sorry you are going through this as well. It's not a site to visit every day.
    Joysheph
     
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I'm so sorry Joysheph.

    I hope that something good comes out of all of this for your son.
     
  5. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Copa we have nothing like RVs on the streets here or even near Chicago. I first saw the RVs lining the streets of California on Youtube and a Google exec was explaining that although he made over six figures he would rather live in his nice RV and save money.

    Compared to most other states California real estate is often untouchable and that is what I heard is why many even working class people live in RVs. I love the idea. My hub and I were thinking of living in a nice RV. Not on a street ...that is illegal most places, but to travel with a few free nights at Walmart.

    Our RV is 36 ft. With a bathroom and electricity. But people live in smaller ones. I know you can live for free in National Parks or parts of the desert in Arizona. Yes boondocking so easier if there is a shower and toilet in the RV. Then just a weekly trip to dump waste.

    From what I saw on Youtube it seems like the police just let you park on the street. I really like the idea as long as you realize he may not keep it clean and may invite people over. It has to be his to do with it as he likes.

    Great idea
     
  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    No, this is not hateful, just honest. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting peace for our own lives.

    By you not calling the police on your son while living in his car outside of your home, you were being very kind to him. Sometimes it's best to do just as you did and sit back and allow for natural consequences.

    I'm so sorry that this is happening. I know first hand how heartbreaking it is to watch your adult child's life fall apart.
    Yes, all we can do is love them and pray for them, that's it. The rest is up to them.

    My son is getting ready to be released from the half way house as his parole is coming to an end. I have no idea what kind of plan he has in place or IF he has a plan. I use his past history to predict his future behavior and I'm guessing he will be living a homeless, wandering life before too long. I pray I'm wrong, I pray that he will finally at age 37 come to realize that living his life in chaos is not good for him.

    The RV idea is a nice one but please use caution before committing to anything. My husband and I bought a nice little house for our son to live in. All he had to do was get a job and start putting his life in order. Our plan was to have him eventually pay us a small amount of rent and after him being responsible for a few years, we would have given him the house. That didn't happen. The house needed some remodeling which we did but my son was to put out to live there while we were doing the remodeling and upgrades. I do not regret doing what we did as we wanted to do everything we could to give him a chance to get his life on a better track. I can honestly look back and say that we really did do everything possible to help him but sadly he refused it all.

    Hang in there. Enjoy the peace that comes with him not being in his car in front of your house. It's okay to enjoy that and you should.

    ((HUGS))
     
  7. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Thats why I said not to have expectations that the RV will be clean. J doesnt drive so it would just be housing for him. Unlike a house, its hard for anyone else to see inside and if its a mess, I am guessing other full time RVers wont complain. Some have three kids and no room. And the investment, especially if used, is much less rhan a home, especially in California. We got our nice RV for $26k or so. It is in great condition.

    I would not expect our adult kids who bring us here to keep any place neat and clean. That does not seem to happen. Most are disorganized people with trouble keeping up with living areas and they do live in messy places. We need to not have high expectations in any area that requires order, puncuality or lack of clutter. I personally feel many, if not most, have organization and impulse control issues and find things that come easy to others very difficult. I am this way myself, but learned as time went on and so far also have an organized partner. Jmo but I believe perhaps wrongly that ADHD at the very least lives in our adult kids. I took Bart for ADHD testing a lot as a kid. I think its a no brainer that this I also have.
     
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2019
  8. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I knew the neighbors would eventually call the police about him living in the car. If he lives in the RV will it be on your property? If not, there is a campground fee. I would definitely have strict rules about keeping the RV clean, as well as what goes on inside the RV.

    It doesn't sound like he was serious about paying his fines.
     
  9. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    No, in California and Arizina and down south there is NO fee. Your area where you live is not the entire country. Look it up on YouTube. These are National Parks. Many people do live there for free year around.

    Sadly you cant make these types of adults keep things clean. They wont. Or cant. Or both. And we cant make them do it. Many parents here, right now, have already tried. If cleanliness in their home is an issue, best not to buy or rent for them and let them live on the streets. Many have been evicted from apartments their parents cosigned for. And a few parents saw homes they bought get destroyed. These adults wouldnt follow rules, or couldnt, and chose to be homeless. Bottom lines dont work for many of our adult kids.

    We cant force them to do anything. Some parents would rather have their kids off the street than follow their rules that WILL be broken. Your sweet son is still a child. It can change. For you I hope it will not. But none of us thought we would ever be there. They change sometimes a lot and we lose control. With all my heart I pray your precious don don stays as the great kid he is!!!

    Cray, sounds like you are in a clean neat upper middle class town. There is so much variety in the U.S. and every place has different rules. What is true in Crayola, U.S. may well be very alien to Other, U.S.

    i grew up in a rich town that balked at having townhouses built! Townhouses were a huge scandal. Can you imagine??? So I know that some places are very picky about who lives there and how. Others, not so much.

    I just found out about free land one can live on after we bought our RV. Some National Parks have a very low yearly fee, many allow you 14 free days then you have to go elsewhere but you can come back and live another 14 days for free, and enough are just free. These arent RV parks. They are National Parks.

    And parts of the desert in Arizona and NM are also free living. People live in RVs and even cars and tents for free. Most are on SSDI and there are usually friendly neighbors happy to help one another. Its actually in my opinion very cool.

    There is a beachfront in Texas that is also free land to live on. Right near the beach!

    I would not want to live there or pee in a jug or poop who knows where and bathe wherever although many RVs have those amenities. But for adults who cant adult and live a normal life, for whatever reason, these are good options in mostly warm areas. Thats good for those who dont have heat.

    There are slab cities too, also totally free, but I wont go there. Look up slab city in Arizona if you like. That is one. Interesting!

    I have a huge heart for and interest in rhe homeless and disabled and have studied this extensively. You cant do this sort of living in Naperville IL a very rich suburb of Chicago but you can on the curbs of streets in CA and in State Parks and part of the desert.

    Cray, I never knew about this either until very recently. But I am glad these places exist!

    by the way, where I live I could live in my RV in daughters yard for no property fee. We dont. We have a house.

    But we could. It is ok.
     
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2019
  10. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    I am in Oklahoma I see RV sites for 150 lot fee. Uncertain of free on land. That is interesting to investigate.
    His living can be cleanliness but then its chaos. It depends on his mood I guess.
    No I think there is a law against him living in a RV in my driveway and I don't think I would like that scene.
    If he would just get involved in a shelter for work and sobriety he'd could get shelter but he chooses to not do so. He says he cant be around the crazies on the street. That is why he stays in my city. Its normal living. Part of me wonders if he even realize he is homeless? I tell him that he can get food, showers, a social worker to help him. If he would go to Texas or Arizona I'd pay his bus fare. I offered before but he refused.
    Joysheph
     
  11. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    There ARE free places to park but not in Oklahoma.

    Shelters can help. There are always community resources.

    Many shelters require you get there at a certain time (like 6pm) or not be allowed in so there are rules to follow and I am pretty sure you cant stay there if you are high or drunk or cause any trouble. I worked at a homeless shelter with decent services. That was what this particular shelter was like anyway.

    The sad part is that we would, say, set up job interviews and they almost never went.
    In the end, it is up to them.

    I wish you tons and tons of good luck and your son as well!!