Honestly, if husband was here

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by wakeupcall, Jun 18, 2007.

  1. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    all the time...maybe as a fly on the wall, he would never believe the way difficult child acts toward me. I know I tell him and he says he gets it, but truly, he has no clue, even after 11 years of it. If difficult child were to act toward him, the way he does to me, I really believe he would hurt him. Please don't go off on the "anger" needs to be addressed, etc. It's just me mouthing off and I've a need to vent. difficult child ACTS HORRIBLY! He'll walk into the room and let out a blood-curdling scream, then laugh about it. He torments the dogs till I have to lock them up. I tell him he's not taking TWO baseball hats to summer school, he stuffs one of them into his backpack, anyway. He walks past the kitchen sink and spits in it, just so I will have to disinfect it. He deliberately urinates on the back of the toilet, so that I have to get on my hands and knees to clean up where he splashed it on the floor (and laughs about it). He cannot talk (to me) in a normal voice, he shouts every word.

    I come here often with the same complaints. I keep waiting for his behavior to improve, but it never does. Once his medications kick in, he's alot better, but really, how is he ever going to function in the real world when he acts the way he does when unmedicated? Yes, I work his medication mostly around his school day, but for fear of what will happen to him if he were to behave in school the way he behaves toward me. His medications are extended release, but even at that, throughout the day, he may be better for eight hours of it. That's not much. His diagnosis isn't BiPolar (BP) yet, but I think it's coming. Who cares, he's taking the proper medications....so what do these humans do as adults? As adults do they behave like this? NO one would ever want to marry a man like my son. NO one should have to take that kind of abuse. I dunno, I don't get it. I'm so tired of doing this every single day. I get alone time...one of the main reasons he goes to summer school, but I dread the hour he's to be home again. It starts all over again.

    Adults, with BiPolar (BP), please respond. Were you like this as a child? At what age will it start improving? As a toddler he threw things at me...now he throws words at me. *Sigh*
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    What if difficult child were told to clean toilet and sink? Would that deter some of his actions?
    My difficult child seems to forget occasionally that walls are not meant to be written on. If she does it, her "consequence" is to clean them off. The drawings are less frequent since she became responsible for cleaning it up.
  3. mum2JK&TH

    mum2JK&TH New Member

    (((HUGS))) My difficult child is not as disrespectful to me, but many of the things you have said are true here, although he does not have a diagnosis of BiPolar (BP). I have the same fears, how will he function in the real world if he's not medicated? difficult child treats his sister and I with little respect or maybe a better way to put it is that he respects us when need be for him. It is a daily battle. As a toddler as well, I had things thrown at me, husband got nothing. The letting out a scream and then laughing, difficult child does that to his sister and I. I keep being told that it's because he feels safest with me and because I am not considered authority...I am far from threatening even on a bad day.

    I have to admit though, he has improved to some degree, as it seems yours has. I haven't had anything thrown at me in some time. I can't say I have been afraid for my physical being in awhile. I continue to tell easy child the whole "sticks and stones" saying. Ignore it, ignore it, ignore it. They feed off the reaction. As for the toilet, I wouldn't scrub it. I would let husband take over that arguement and would make difficult child clean it. I have learnt to swallow my pride sometimes and let husband deal with it. I am tired of the battles.

    I do truly believe that they will get better. Although maybe never perfect, I will settle for better. Maturity does a lot for anyone. I have read far to many stories on this board of success, and I will continue to believe that will happen for these kids.

    (((HUGS))) I hear ya!
  4. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    You have my sympathy. I can totally relate. I often ask husband to just stay home from work one day and not let difficult child know he is home (on school mornings) just so he can hear for himself. husband says he believes me, but his actions don't show me he does. Not that I want difficult child to get yelled at or punished, I just want husband to HEAR how he talks to me. Totally unacceptable. husband tells me that I have to deal with it. I have been trying for about 8 years.

    Anxiously awaiting answers from BiPolar (BP) adults.
  5. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Kjs, I've been dealing with this since he was a toddler and before he could even speak. I've tried it all....speaking softly, ignoring, shouting back, punishing him. Ok, none of it does any good....I speak softly, so he screams louder; I ignore and he thinks I can't hear him; how do you punish every minute of every day? He does NOT care. He loves to say, "Sorry, Mom"....but it's only a way to get out of trouble. He thinks he can do anything he pleases and all he has to do is say he's sorry. I told him it doesn't work..period.
  6. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Pamela- I went through this just the other morning. And, yep...I know he'll say I'm sorry...when he wants me to do something for him. I told him that too. He did not respond. I use to always fall for the big apology, he made it seem so sincere. My heart wanted to believe him, but my head knew better. My heart won, only to be hurt over and over. He had me in tears within hours of waking up when he was only 3 or 4. I wanted to cuddle, him and he would push away and hit me and be so verbally abusive. Seems like he has always been like that. Our difficult child's are about the same age!
  7. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Have I forgotten our difficult children were so similiar, or have we not made the connection? difficult child is an adorable child with about the maturity of an eight-year-old, but even at that....! My grandson is eight and difficult child acts waaaaay more immature than he does most of the time. It's getting harder now that he's almost twelve and should be acting more like a teenager than a toddler. My son has no hesitation at asking me to do anything for him or buy him or take him. He thinks I shouldn't be angry at his behavior...afterall, that was hours ago. I can't drop it, guess it's the pain that goes on. I supposed the worst part is that it's NEVER-ending.
  8. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Get a vedio camera and tape the abuse unknown to difficult child and play it back for husband. You don't have to buy one if it is too expensive. They can be rented, bought used, or maybe borrow one from a good friend. Hide it well in an area where the most abuse occurs. It would also be good for the psychiatrist to see the behaviors.
    Believe me sometimes only "seeing is believing". -RM
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I dont know if my responding will help much at all because while I was very much like this in some degree but while I may have done some of these things, I was also on the receiving end of the abuse also from my mom. Some of my behavior was a learned response I believe. She tormented me and threw things at me so I learned to do it back.

    I am just now...in the last few years, starting to get a handle on this stuff. However, I wasnt dxd until my late 30s.
  10. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Janet, my difficult child doesn't have a learned response unless it's from my screaming occasionally, out of frustration with him. I never, ever scream at him the first time I tell him something, or the second, or probably even the third. That comes AFTER he's ignored me or done whatever it is half-a***d. I have never tormented him nor thrown anything. I DO walk away from him and his antics and then he yells even more. For instance, over the weekend I told him to get on the other side of his bed to help me put clean linens on it. Now really, how difficult is that for a strapping 11 year old? He persistently acted like a horse's backside, so I walked away. I told him, YOU are on your own. He screamed at me and cried and acted like it was the end of the world. Some would say....let him sleep in filth, but truly, I stuggle with my house smelling!

    Since you weren't diagnosis'd till your late 30's, does that mean you were unmedicated all that time? How did you cope?
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Pamela, I can identify!
    Luckily, difficult child pulled a couple of stunts while he didn't know husband was watching. That helped a bit.
    In re: to some of your responses toward your difficult child... I would not be asking him to move over so you can put sheets on his bed; I know you have typed in "coordination disorder," but he's coordinated enough to make his own bed, isn't he? My difficult child tries that stunt and I either walk away and leave the sheets in a pile, or don't give him sheets at all and leave him with-an empty mattress. It works! (I am not his slave.) I only have to do it a couple of times a month now. (He's had a bare mattress more often than not, LOL!)
    In re: to the screaming, it took us forever to get our difficult child to care about anything. We finally figured out it was football cards, baseball cards, and computer time. When he screamed or mouthed off, I walked over to the computer with-o a word and took away the mouse. Of course, he screamed louder (you can imagine!!!!). But I didn't give it back until he went for several days with-o screaming at me.
    All that is to say, I don't think you've found your difficult child's trigger yet. Find the thing that makes him the angriest and most violent and that's it! Sounds mean, but you've got to learn to work with-it. In addition, once you do, it will teach him how to control himself. After his meltdowns, there is a "teachable moment," and that's when you can talk it over. Don't bother discussing things when he's in the middle of a fit. Or even when he's being generally "bratty."

    Sometimes my difficult child doesn't understand his intonation and volume... for eg., last night I followed him into the bathroom, thinking he was going to brush his teeth, and he spun on his heel and hissed and screamed at me, "Get OUT! I'm going to the bathroom!"
    Geez, I felt like I'd been stabbed. I was going to ask him if he wanted to wear his Little League shirt to the new baseball camp in the a.m.
    I went downstairs and a few min. later, he came into the kitchen, and in a sweet, well modulated voice, said, "What were you going to ask me?"
    He truly didn't get it. (We are trying to get a speech/language testing appointment. but it's like Mission Impossible... he'll be 18 by the time I get one!)

    I know what you mean by coping. I had a meldown a few weeks ago and it was actually the best thing that ever happened to me because with-o mom in the picture, nothing operates smoothly. It really brought things to a head, and clarified for me, what is important to me.

  12. Alisonlg

    Alisonlg New Member

    I totally agree with the others on the toilet and sink issue...you need to stop following behind and cleaning up the mess. You've given him the control of the situation. And, thus, you feel exactly as the pawn would feel...awful and used. Either make him clean it up (yes, I *know* from experience how that is MUCH easier said than done! We're dealing with explosive children here), ignore the mess (yes, I *know*...you want your house clean, so this is a hard one for you to just "let go"), or get your husband to pick up the clean up duty for the time being. At the very least, the clean up can be done LATER...it does not need to be done immediately. By doing it immediately, you're satisfying his sense of control.

  13. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    You all help me so much. When I'm totally at my wit's end, you all tell me you understand and now this is what you need to do to help yourself. I don't know how to tell you how much I appreciate it. There isn't a soul I know who understands...even husband.
  14. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi! I know everyone is throwing out the idea of reading a book but I found one that really did work and I actually enjoyed reading it. It felt like the author had been sitting in my house with a laptop and wrote the book at my dining room table. It's called "The Explosive Child" and he actually had me laughing and crying when he was describing some of the same behaviours that your writing about.

    I also know that no one has time for entire books and everyone and there brothers make recommendations, but this gives you a good outlook as well as insight to what is motivating the outbursts.

    Good luck...God Bless and let me know what you think!
  15. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Hello NVTS,

    "The Explosive Child" is our bible. Good call!

    Welcome to the board!
  16. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    Just thought I'd let ya know that I completely understand what you are going through. I don't think my husband understands either. My difficult child's are 11, 10 and 7. All with some similarities to yours. My youngest urinates all over the bathroom, including into the bathtub and finds it funny when I discover it. I have a family of 9, so laundry is my most time consuming chore. He'll go through his closet and throw his clean clothes in the dirty clothes so I have more to do and then laugh about it when I discover it. If he knows something bothers me, like constant noises, he'll sit next to me and watch me out of the corner of his eye while he makes repetitive noises until I say something. Then he smiles. Since hes so young, he hasn't gotten into the screaming at me part yet and I hope he never does, but I certainly won't be surprised if it happens. Some days I feel like his main goal in life is to make my day as difficult as possible. husband wanting to get physical if they witnessed what we deal with seems like a normal response as long as they don't actually do something. Wanting and doing are two totally seperate things. I want to run away from it all sometimes, but I stay put. I hope you get a break sometimes.
  17. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I took my difficult child moving in with Dex for him to get it. He still never got what I got from difficult child, but it was close enough for him to admit that at least some of what I say had to be true.
  18. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    They do save the best for us moms. In our case, difficult child has little control so husband sees and hears it all. He gets it too but not to the degree I do. Hugs.
  19. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    What would happen if you video taped or audio taped your difficult child? You could set up a sound recorder that is voice activated. Maybe he only thinks he understands...
  20. Crazy-Steph

    Crazy-Steph New Member

    I wish I could give you some advice. I am not physically threatened by difficult child, but I definitley get the brunt of the verbal abuse from him. He is not profane, it is mostly just his tune. He does this mostly when husband is not around. He knows dad will not put up with it. When we are alone, he knows I lose my cool and that is the fun of it. I have to learn to walk away more. He also does everything half-assed, though I'm not entirely sure this is intentional. I know some of it is, but some of it is because of his AD/HD. I just make him come back and redo it until it is correct. He gives me more attitude, but if I ask him to clean something, I shouldn't have to go behind him and finish it.