Hope! Copa, you were right! Sharing from NarAnon

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by BusynMember, Nov 1, 2019.

  1. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Our discussion of hope made me think. I was Chair for my Nar Anon meeting last night and I chose hope as the topic so I could explore and learn. For the confused, I belong to one Al Anon group and one Nar Anon and refer to both as Al Anon just to make it more simple when I write.

    So I chose hope as a topic because some smart people think hope is important to keep. Some people here that are smart whom I respect.

    I want to share a paragraph from the Nar-Anon book that gave me, well, HOPE! A lovely word! I don't know now why I wanted to shut out hope. Maybe I was afraid of it

    Anyhow the book we use is ironically called Sharing Experience, Strength & Hope. Yes, hope in the title. Wise, you were right that it is a spiritual feeling. Let me now "read" to you having given credit to the book, no author named.

    "In the back of my mind, I do have hope that some day my daughter will see the light and get better. I also have hope that some day she will recover and come back to my life.i have learned from Nar Anon that life is full of twists and turns. I have also learned that I need to have hope and not expectations because having expectations is the source of fear and anxiety that in the past has taken over my life.On the other hand, I also hope that I will have the courage to deal with the absence of my daughter, and not let those fears and doubts move back into my life. I have no idea what the future will bring. I will live just for today.

    Then there is a thought for the day which I lived. "Hope is great. And hope supported by faith creates an unbeatable duo."

    I realize not everyone believes in God but there are many wonderful things in nature to also hang onto. You do not need to have faith in God,Borderline Intellectual Functioning (BIF) that does not resonate.

    Hereafter, I will hold hope in high esteem but will set aside my expectations. I needed to separate hope from expectations.

    Just a share. Thank you for being here.
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    Last edited: Nov 1, 2019
  2. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    It takes a lot of humility and growth to amend a previously held position. This post shows your character, Busy, and I appreciate who you are.

    Yes, hope is a spiritual principle. It is the spiritual principle that underlies Step 2: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

    While we are powerless over alcohol, addiction, other people, places, and things, Step 2 shows us that we are not helpless, and that we can hold on to hope that God will show us the way back to mental health.

    And if I can be restored to sanity ,it follows that anyone can be healed. Noone is beyond spiritual help. God is much more powerful than anything we can imagine. Therefore, to me, it feels better to hold my sick loved ones in the best possible light, affirm their highest good, and place them into God's hands .Just as I turn my will (my thoughts and feelings) and my life (my actions) over to a power greater than myself, I also turn my sick loved ones over to God's care (love and concern).

    In order for me to do that, I have to apply control and discipline where I have them: with myself. I release my resentments, I work through my hurt, and I align with love. Then I can meet my loved ones without a knot in my stomach. I can be truly neutral when I see them. I can hold them in God's love and light. I can look at them with forgiveness. I can see them for the children of God that they are, and through these efforts I can hold on to hope thatt God will work in their lives .
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  3. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Wise, you are more powerful with your posts sometimes than twenty good meetings. I love this explanation. It rings true and helps and I feel so much lighter and maybe Kay has a story from God that I just haven't seen yet. I agree with you and I am glad I opened the topic up last night.

    Nobody, least of all me, is so sure about anything that we can not learn. And I learn here all the time. it is why I am humbly here. Do I learn more if I close my mind? My heart? Does anyone?

    Wise, I think you have a way of writing that could reach anyone. I am going to share this lesson with my younger kids so that they keep the hope. My husband was thankfully there with me at the meeting and we spoke late into the night.

    Wise, I thank you for being here, for what you do and what you say. And to Copa I apologize as I remove ignore.

    Some days this time of year are hard because the holidays are coming and my sadness is more about my angel son than Kay. I greatly apologize if I sounded grumpy. I am not excusing, but explaining. Sometimes the Christmas store decorations make me cry as I remember my happy little boy who loved to look at the decorations. I can almost feel his hand and hear his upbeat voice.

    Blessings to all.
  4. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    This share helped me a lot. thank you

    Love and light
  5. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I try to keep hope alive, but I gave up trying to put it on a time schedule.

    I read something (maybe in NarAnon?) that "expectations are just premeditated disappointments". So I try to stop expecting that my child will gave a job in 2 weeks. Or will follow thru with appointments. Etc. I hope she starts doing better... But I took away the time frame I hope it happens. Ksm
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  6. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Ksm, that is brilliant.
  7. ChickPea

    ChickPea Active Member

    Thank you for posting this.

    Hope vs. Expectations.

    I have to chew on that one and explore the differences.

    How does hope align with dealing with CD children?
    Expectations deal with the past (because you expect the same outcomes and behaviors). Ex. - I don't let my daughter live here because of my expectations. I expect certain behaviors from her.

    How do I embrace HOPE while still keeping my boundaries?

    Serious question, trying to understand and learn.
  8. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Hope is to me just keeping an open mind that THEY will do better on their own, that God, if God is in your life, will step in. That they will find a reason, as yet unknown, to change...but not due to us because we can't fix it. And that miracles happen. Or just plain unexpected changes.

    Expectations are what concrete things we think about for the future as opposed to letting the future take care of itself. It is not to make our own happiness contingent upon what they do or don't do. And not to have ideas about what they may do. Or what is or is not successful for them.

    I think a lot of the hope is hope that WE can be happy no matter what. Feel free to add to this or say what it means to you that may be very different than what it means to me.

    We are all in this together yet we had different lives and we have different personalities. There is no right or wrong way to do this. Nobody is right. Nobody is wrong. I do hope that nobody has no hope for happiness at all, but if you do, I still embrace you with love. I embrace all of our battles. All feelings and emotions. Viewpoints. They will not all be the same. Yet our children bring us together in a way that nothing else can.

    God bless us all.
  9. ChickPea

    ChickPea Active Member

    I'm think this is how I digest it. That I can find joy in my life, meaning, and purpose - outside of the decisions that my CD child makes. That's a small part, for me. Or large because I've allowed it to seep into so many areas of my life. It doesn't mean it will or won't change, it's just maybe me accepting that things are going to happen outside of my control -with the CD child and just in life- but I don't have to give up hope that I have a life worth living and contributions worth giving.

    This is a great topic with many corners. I look forward to hearing how other people have broken it down or applied it to their life.

    I think somewhere along the line I lost hope, and maybe the meaning of hope, a long time ago and allowed myself to wade through life, living in response to the situations around me.