How did your Thanksgiving go?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Kathy813, Nov 29, 2013.

  1. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hello to all of my SA buddies! Check in and let us know how your Thanksgiving went.

    We are in Orlando. We rented a house and difficult child drove up from south Florida where she lives and easy child drove her own car down from Atlanta. We spent the day at Universal studios yesterday which was perfect since it kept everyone busy and getting along.

    difficult child was difficult child . . . emotionally immature but sober and for the most part pleasant to be around. easy child got bored today and decided to go home so we are spending this evening with difficult child and then we are heading home in different directions in the morning.

    It was a different kind of Thanksgiving but on the whole a peaceful one. I hope all of you had a great Thanksgiving, too.

  2. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Picked him up at 1115 from his halfway house and went to my brother's house, a place he likes to go. My daughter met us there. We had lunch prepared by my sister in law. I think he had a nice time. He can't handle the family parties just yet.
  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    We had a nice day yesterday with my easy child and my sister in law and her family. We did not see my difficult child or talk to him yesterday because he does not have privledges yet for a pass or phone calls. So it was a relaxing day and I was glad that I didnt have to worry about him on the streets.

    I had been wondering if there would be a party for families this weekend as we heard that might be a possibility. I was very happy today when we got a call inviting us tomorrow..... but then we got a call from difficult child saying he was having another visitor tomorrow and so asked us not to come! :( Of course the other visitor is the girlfriend which is not good news. But we had an ok convo about it and I just need to keep reminding myself that my role at this point is to let him know we love and support him, and his choices are his choices and my job at this point is to stay out of the way of his treatment whatever it is.

    So it has opened the door for me to ask about the girlfriend..... but basically I just want to let him know that he doesnt have to hide anything from us, that I am not longer trying to control the situation. So at least it gives us a free day tomorrow to relax.

  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    husband and I were "guests" for the first time in my almost fifty years of Thanksgiving. We drove about six hours north to where my son and family live. Guess I should note that last year I announced that I would not "do" Thanksgiving again due to health/age etc and my son (who has been married for a woman who "doesn't cook" for 25 years or so, lol) announced "Why don't we have Thanksgiving at our house?" I thought daughter in law would faint! WELL...long story short we were actually invited to come for the holiday. Neither easy child son or ? daughter in law had every cooked before. It was tasty and well done.

    Since I've been less than perfect the past couple of years I was pooped from the trip up, managed eight hours of being "normal" with his family before heading back to the hotel to sleep and then yesterday we headed back south. I am ridiculously "childlike" as I felt so deprived eating just a normal portion of the healthy things. I LOVE to PIG OUT.
    Now, of course, I am not suppose to do so. It was funny in a sick way because I had these dainty portions of the healthy and organic foods and the whole time I wanted to pile my plate high with everything and then get another piled up plate. :)

    Yeah, I know, the food is not the #1 thing. :wellduh:It was genuinely nice to spend time with his family. easy child GD drove me to her apartment so I could see where "she lives now" close to the campus but not on campus. I had never seen an apt. designed for roommates before. It was cool. Two story building with one large br/bath and lg. with-i closet with build in desk downstairs and two upstairs. The three girls share the common areas and have a deadbolt for their individual rooms. It was spacious and there is a huge pool area as well as other separate entertainment sections. I would LOVE to live there, lol.

    All in all it was fun but tiring. (I do not like this aging process, by the way!) I'm half tempted to modify my TDay position and say "Ok you all can come but you must bring all the food and clean up after." Hmmm...doesn't sound too nice, does it? I'll think about it for the next ten months or so. LOL! DDD
  5. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    It's now Saturday night and all in all the weekend has gone better than I expected. Son did spend a good portion of Thanksgiving day running around with friends, but was home early for dinner and has been in and out, but straight when with us. He went to the big family Thanksgiving today with us, played video games, etc. with the other teens and again, it was uneventful. These days I like uneventful.

    While he's maintaining his habit of staying in his room and watching netflix, because he doesn't want to watch what we're watching, (and even when I offer to change the channel), we managed to have a talk about his "plans". As expected, we can't change his mind but we've decided to deal. I will post more about that on the thread I started earlier. Basically, I decided I was going to manifest peace and calmness this weekend and ignore things like him running around when he hasn't seen us for 2 months. It's actually been almost pleasant - or at least not full of conflict. I'll take it. :)
  6. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Ours was truly lovely. PC19 came home from school Wednesday night, and my husbands sister, brother in law and her 3 sons (25,19,16) and her son's girlfriend (25) came from PA and stayed with us for 3 nights.

    I hosted Thanksgiving dinner and we were joined for dinner by my brother, his wife and 21 yo son and my mom. I cooked the full meal but brother in law (he's a chef) brought pumpkin ravioli (to die for, amazing) and some pastry and my bro brought a delicious ham. My mom brought the wine and was a little disappointed I wouldn't let her bake the pies but got over it eventually (she whined a lot about the pies, about me wearing a dress but telling her it was casual but otherwise was really great. FWIW, the pies are lot of work for her, she is newly moved into her house, got back from FL late Sunday night and has never used her oven there; plus she's 76 and slowing down A LOT. And my dress WAS casual, I like dresses bc they're easy to cook in. I'm not a meanie. She would have been in over her head baking pies)

    difficult child was on his best behavior, schmoozed my mom to death (which worries me a little, he was OTT and I wonder why; I have a bad case of other shoe syndrome) and the houseful of boys had an awesome time. They all ran in our town's 5k early TG morning and played touch football outside for a few hours before dinner. It was really great. Made me cry it was so great.

    DDD - I am laughing about your comments. I was way overwhelmed on Wednesday - between the cleaning and the cooking and trying to figure out sleeping arrangements and find enough towels for 7 house guests, I made 5 last minute trips to the store - and then I had a mini meltdown. I told H that "for once I would like to be a guest somewhere for a holiday. And I would be happy to do a few dishes in return..." I want to ring a doorbell wearing lipstick (something I seem to forget to put on in haste) and carrying a bottle of wine. And I'm happy to clear the table and load the dishwasher and later return to my clean, calm house. I am looking around at the disaster that is my house- tons of laundry to do, serving dishes to be put away, a fridge groaning under a ton of random leftovers...

    My mom "does" Christmas - but she comes here to do all the cooking and I help her with it and then we transport it to her house on Christmas day; so it's a lot of work for me, AND I did Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and Easter last year & prior years, no end in sight ... I have holiday overkill right now. Especially since I am back to work full time.

    My other Bro who is newly estranged from the family (I've written about him in the past, married to overbearing busybody sister in law who interfered w difficult child and he's been dishonest in the family business but we still work together) didn't call or anything. His wife and 2 of his 3 (age 20,25) kids have cut off all contact with me and my kids abruptly and rudely. Friday morning, I went to send a (kind) message to his other son (age 24) with whom I was still in touch. I found that he too had defriended and blocked me sometime in the past 24 hours. I burst into tears. So, that wasn't great; a bit of a blemish on a really great weekend. I know that the table talk at Bro's house must have precipitated a surge in hostility and honestly, it hurts like hell. And I have to deal with it it in person nearly every day at work so I can't just rise above it gracefully; it gets to me.

    Otherwise - we had a blast. I love my bro, brother in law, and both SILs. My nephews are all awesome. Nephew's girlfriend was really terrific and I loved getting to know her. We took visiting sister in law & brother in law to the Harley Davidson Museum yesterday and then out to dinner in downtown Milwaukee and had a fabulous time. I was sad to see them all go home this morning. I love them both.

    As for difficult child - still treading water. You would think the water should have evaporated by now after being tread for so long - but here we are. He has been warm and cordial and on his best behavior while home but he is asleep nearly every moment he is here. I know he is broke and really not working. Overdraft notices come once in a while. He stays in "his" apt downtown a few nights a week purportedly to attend class in the city. I have no idea if he is really going but we should have a report card in a month. I am really nervous about that and the fact that he sleeps all day while here. Not much I can do, it will be what it is. I really hope I am wrong. A lot of "don't ask, don't tell" going on here, but he is respectful -and even loving - and we do not give him money. Not much more we can do, he is nearly 22 and this is his life. At least I know (for now) he has not descended into the depths of hard core addiction and he has a bit of a safety net in our home. He's not spiraling but I don't kid myself - I know he has a substance abuse problem and is likely doing a lot of things I wouldn't approve of - but he isn't doing them here. So I leave it alone.

    Love to you all - this post is meandering and is about a heck of a lot more than Thanksgiving -I should change my name to verbose or chattycathy!
    Lasted edited by : Nov 30, 2013
  7. compassion

    compassion Member

    best in13 years! There was daughter, 20 ds, 23, ds girlfriend, 37 daughter boyfriend 24 and gfs daughter, now 20 months, 4 dogs, 2 cats, I was amazingly flexible and accepting. Ds and girlfriend made turkey dressing and cobbler and stuffing, daughter made mashed potaoes and gourmet cranberry sauce. by the way, it was T-day 5 years ago, 2008, I gratefull y found this soft place to land. daughter announced she is moving to Seatlle, with my oldest son, 38. He did send her a plane ticket, she leaves Dec. 20 for 3 weeks.
  8. comatheart

    comatheart Active Member

    We had Thanksgiving dinner with difficult child in rehab. It was strange, not a Thanksgiving I hope to remember. It was good to see him, but he seemed withdrawn. Afterwards, his counselors sat husband and I down to discuss the plan. It was decided he will come home on a weekend pass next Friday. Then he will go back with a tenative discharge date of Dec. 15, just about 90 days of treatment. I'm nervous, but hopeful.
  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks for startig this Kathy. It's nice to read about everyone's day and see what's been going on. I smiled, laughed, remembered and was sometimes sad reading the comments you all made.

    DDD I too hate the aging process. And loved the don't ask don't tell comment and the fact that difficult child stays in his room a lot because if he comes down to watch tv it usually ends with conversation about his life. My difficult child was like that too, she hid in her room so as not to have to answer any questions or engage in any conversation.

    My day was good. difficult child had to work until 4 so she came over with boyfriend after. easy child had come earlier with her two dogs and we visited and got dinner ready. During the day difficult child made several comments about how she regrets not going to college every day of her life and regrets many of the things she did that she is paying for now. It was good to hear and at the same time made me sad that she will be living the rest of her life with such regrets. I get sad thinking about her dismal future, dead end job, boyfriend with so much debt they will never be able to buy or rent anything, he has no driver's license and a five year old he is trying to support. We've offered to let her come back home and try to save money and get some training but she doesn't want to leave boyfriend.

    After dinner we took dinner to my dad's apartment. He will be 94 on Dec 23 and is failing fast, very weak and super skinny. It was nice for the girls to see him. difficult child and boyfriend then went to her best friend from high school's house to visit and they played games til 2am. difficult child took the pups home and husband and I got to finally relax.

    Friday difficult child met me at the mall and we got some great deals, it wasn't nearly as crazy shopping as I thought it would be. Yesterday easy child and I went downtown to a winterfest and then out to one of the malls ont he other side of town and got some things bought. It was a profitable weekend shopping. Today I went through all my coupons and organized my trip. Out to the mall again with fresh ideas and a couple returns, but I know what I'm going for so it will be easy.
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I dont normally post here even though I read everything you post. It helps me.

    Our Thanksgiving ended up being just 3 of us - Tony, Billy and me. Tony's brother Buck had called him two days before Thanksgiving telling him he had no one to spend the day with and other "oh woe is me" type stuff. Tony told him he could come without even asking me. Then the idiot didnt even show up! Tony went up to the house he is staying at and his car wasnt there. He didnt even have the decency to call us. Hasnt called us yet either. It really irritated me because I bought extra food because Buck eats a ton. Im going to end up throwing a pumpkin pie away.

    We didnt know if Cory was going to need to come to our house because normally he and Mandy go to her people's homes on the holidays. I found out later that day that Mandy hadnt invited Cory to go with her! I couldnt call Cory because he doesnt have a phone but I sent Tony over to get him and turns out he had cooked for himself and was sitting back watching football! My visions of him sitting over there moping around were all for

    I dont do the cooking on holidays. Tony does. I clean up afterwards.
  11. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Ours was very small - just us since all of our family is all the way up in Massachusetts. :) It was so great having my family here all together...VERY uneventful and just like every other day BUT I will take that ANY day now!!! ;) (I got sick the day before Thanksgiving so I have been feeling yucky - just getting over it now...)

    Here are some FB posts from difficult child that just made me smile (she calls her son "Little Butt" lol):

    "First thanks giving with my parents in years!!! Today I'm thankful for my family and my little butt happy thnks giving everyone be safe :)) "feeling blessed."

    "This year I am thankful for my amazing family it feels good to be home again. Im thankful for my little butt hes my world. Im thankful for knowing God. Also for how far I have come this year. Its so crazy thinking back on my life. If I can turn my life around anyone can."

    As you can tell, everything is still going better than I ever dreamed it would here...I cannot call her a difficult child anymore. I really can't...the only difficult child thing she has done in months is maybe not picking up something! LOL I will take that any day of the week.
  12. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That is so good to hear PG. I hope that yours and mine will find a good job someday and be able to support themselves so we can finally relax about the future. But she has come a very long way and for that I know you are grateful.
  13. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Her job is awful - she needs a new one. But, like yours, she now sees the consequences of her actions to date and has many, many regrets. She is looking for another job but I think we are going to look into online schooling next year. She will be living with us for the forseeable future - may as well get some schooling under that belt!

    I was very happy to read that your daughter is doing well also!! I don't think we have read an update in some time so I was really hoping no news was good news. :)
  14. Scott_G

    Scott_G Member

    Our son went no contact with us back in Spetember after a fight with his mother. We hadn't heard from him, I had no interest in talking to him, and although she was tempted several times, his mother never called him. Then November rolls around and we start to discuss Thanksgiving. My wife insisted that he not be left out of our plans, so she called him and invited him. He said that maybe he would come. My wife really wanted him here since his overbearing ex-wife insisted that all major holidays were celebrated with her family. This was always a big sticking point with my wife that our son was basically not allowed to attend holiday dinners with his family. The only time we saw them was on Christmas eve when they had dinner at their house. Except for us, all of the guests were her family. But Thanksgiving, Christmas Day, and Easter were all about her family every year.

    My wife called our son on Wednesday and he wasn't commited to coming. On Thanksgiving morning he finally agreed to come to dinner. I made the half hour drive out to the middle of nowhere where he is currently living. I called him before I left to let him know I was on the way, called him again five minutes before I arrived, but he still made me wait 15 minutes in his driveway. Normally this would have gotten things off to a bad start, especially since he seemed wasted to me. I figured he kept me waiting while he was shooting up or snorting or whatever he was doing to get his fix these days. His speech was slow and a bit slurred, to me it seemed like he was high. But I made not a comment about his making me wait or his seeming to be f'ed up. Acceptance really is freeing. I don't like that he is inconsiderate in not being on time, I don't like that he's not sober on his way to a family function with his parents and grandparents, but you know what? He's an adult, and I need to just accept his behavior and do my best to minimize the family drama at all costs.

    The ride home was pretty good. We mostly talked about his job. He's doing construction work and it sounds like his boss really likes him. He says his boss has taken him under his wing and is teaching him a lot. That's good to hear because learning a trade can be a good thing for him, and since his boss pays him under the table, I doubt that this is the kind of company that has a drug policy. It sounds like as long as he shows up for work and does his job, everything will be okay. He hates where he lives, but acknowledges that at least he has a roof over his head.

    At dinner it was only us and his grandparents. Most of our relatives (siblings, neices, nephews) have moved out of state and do their own thing for the Holidays. Dinner went better than expected. The conversation was light and jovial and his life or his problems never came up as a topic of conversation. The only thing I noticed was that he nodded off briefly at the table near the end of dinner.

    After dinner he told us that he was still in contact with his 20 year old girlfriend. Not sure if they actually see each other or how since they live an hour apart from each other and neither one of them have a car. He said that she has managed to hold down her job at Starbucks for two months and that she has been clean and attending regular meetings. He told us that they have a joint bank account together and have managed to save $1000 that they plan to use to either buy a car or get an apartment together. I'm not sure I believe any of it, and even if it is true, I think it is stupid having a joint bank account with another junkie who lives an hour away, but I simply smiled and said "That's great", if for no other reason than to not make his mother upset and ruin what was otherwise a much better holiday than expected. His mother and grandparents were all very happy to see him. Either the drugs were starting to wear off and he needed another fix, or he felt about uncomfortable around family, but about 20 minutes after dinner he told us that he needed to go home. Some story about how he had a long day of work tomorrow and he wanted to get ready and get some rest. So I drove him home. As he got out of the car I simply told him to take care of himself and stay out of trouble. And that in a nutshell was how our Thanksgiving went. It was a good time.

    Acceptance is very freeing. Detachment is about so much more than not enabling another person. It is about freedom from the mental slavery and antics of another person. Again, I don't condone or support what my son is doing. This is not the life his parents or grandparents wished for him. I won't financially support him or give him a roof over his head. He's an adult, and whatever he decides to do, he, and he alone has to own his choices, they are not our burden to bear. My son is never going to be a Doctor, Lawyer, or CEO, or probably what most people consider to be a "normal" member of society. That is simply the way it is, and trying to change that is pointless and destructive. He's 31 years old, and it's all up to him. IF he HONESTLY wants to change, we have made it clear that were are always here to help and support him in any way possible. We would even go so far as to give him money for a car or an apartment of his own, but only if he entered rehab. Living with us is out of the question if for no other reason than for the past 8 years it has just been the wife, myself, and the dog and I personally am happy with it that way and don't want any roommates. Acceptance takes the power away from our son to effect our lives in a negative way. I will not let his bad choices or negative beahvior cause me stress or anger. He is who he is, I can't change it, I can't fight it, the best I can do is go with the flow and I feel so much better about that.

    As far as our relationship goes, it is what it is. If I never talked to my son again I really am okay with that. If he wants to have a relationship, I will not shut him out, but at the same time I have absolutely no plans to actively try and rebuild any sort of father son relationship. I need to move on and keep living my own life and finding my own happiness. If he wants a relationship, he knows where to find us.

    I feel like this Thanksgiving has brought about a kind of sense of closure. My son is a 31 year old screw up heroin addict, but he is still my son. As sad as it is, I can't change him. I can't force him to stop the drugs and I can't force him to live the kind of life that society deems normal. The best I can do is accept that he is who he is until HE wants to change his life for HIMSELF and not judge him at every opportunity I get.