Hi Susan, I've seen alot of pretty focused advice that seem in line with stuff you've been hearing in the past. I hope that you can take it in the caring spirit it is offered and perhaps return focus to yourself and just learn to live for yourself and let your adult kids live their own ways. We'll all be in that boat if we aren't already, we have to let them go. I've got my son home for only one more year and I feel the ache inside already. So I do understand. I can't imagine him since he's a former difficult child (Now I would call him a rare difficult child but not quite easy child, more a typical teen with difficult child moments) and because he's pretty comfortable letting me "do for him", living alone or with roommates, holding a job, eating right, making good choices, being responsible. But I do know that it is a problem that "I" have, and one I can't and won't be allowing myself to put on his shoulders. It isn't his weight to carry, this desire in a mother to continue to have a say etc. And even though I can already feel it, I will not be interfering or injecting myself into his lifes decisions.
But on a different angle here, let me share with you what NEVER worked for me as a person who was considered "plump" as a child, "Chubby" in my early 20's, and rapidly considered "morbidly obese" ..... NOBODY should have said a thing to me. i was ultimately responsible for what went in my mouth and how much I exercised. Obviously> But once I started the battle with weight, any and all attention brought to it? It drove me to worse habits. There was no amount of good intentions, well worded and kind comments or advice or offers of support, that were going to do a thing for me except plummet my already awful sense of worth, esteem and value.
Eventually with counseling I drew the line for my loved ones ... my weight is MY problem, NOT yours, do NOT burden ME even MORE by implying in any way that I am the cause of YOUR stress because you "Care, are worried, are concerned, are frightened for where I'm headed" (etc!). I heard it ALL trust me. It meant nothing more to me than if someone said "Hey lardo! Want some fries with that shake". It hurt the same. Equal. Part of me GOT the kind spiritedness etc. But the part of me that was broken and brought on the weight issues to begin with? THAT part of me dominated and each well meant comment stuck me like a knife. I can to this day remember most comments, the cruel ones and the ones offered with what they percieved to be 'love and concern'. THey all hurt to remember.
When I was ready, ME, I made the decision that I had enough. I got help to mend the broken bits in me that were making food a crutch. I opted for surgery to help, but I worked my butt off and I found a healthy weight for myself. For a while, the same people who loved me and would say things about worrying when I was too heavy, well those folks suddenly got stressed I was TOO SKINNY and just HAD to express their worries and concerns and how upset they were watching me shrink. WELL I can honestly say, that went over as bad as people interfering with my weight EVER had gone over. Needless to say, I got something from my doctor showing I could still lose 20 lbs more and be healthy, although i was down to a size 6. Could do it and be HEALTHY and NORMAL. That was STILL not enough> Again, I told them to butt out of my weight htings, because .... I am a ADULT.
Now that I've balance out, I'm about a size 10-12 and I do bounce up and down about 15 pounds. I hate it, its a large range to bounce around. But I don't end up considered "overweight" on the docs chart, and I don't obsess about food and exercise, I live as healthy as I've learned to live. And if the weight comes up a bit, I crack my personal whip to get my tush in gear, and I get back to basics and go back down. And I'll probably do this forever. I can tell you I rue the day someone says something about that. Because in the end, I'm a ADULT. Know what I mean???
I tell you this because it really is something we naturally worry about in those we love, most of us have someone we love that we worry about with their weight. But if you think you are helping or serving your sons needs by at all involving yourself in his choices of lifestyle, food choices or activity levels at his age? I'm telling you truthfully, you're dead wrong. You are not serving him, it is a need that all of us moms have (some more than others) to want to be the ones to make those choices the same as we did when they were minors and it was the role expected of us. You were a different hat now as a mother. Period. You're "training days" are done. You don't get to continue to parent in the same way. Your role is not going to go back like it was. It needs to change to reflect the healthy nature of a relatinoship between 2 adults. Woudl you ask this about your best friend? How to try to get her to take her health seriuosly and eat better and exercise and use that dusty gym membership? Most friends would be pretty ticked off if you did. I know I wouldn't want to try it with a friend of mine. Why? Because they are adults and they aren't stupid, they know if they are overweight and should do something different.
Truly Susan, just reflect for a few minutes and I bet anything you'll be thinking differently on this whole thing. I know you wouldn't want to hurt your son. By doing anything about his weight, you probably will be hurting something inside of him.
