How do you cope?
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MommaTried24
Active Member
Beta, I too have a 28 year old angry son that I've not seen in almost 4 years. In the beginning, the drama and the years of endured disrespect made it a relief to finally have peace under my own roof. The final straw was when he actually hit me with his fist. That completely broke my heart and it's been a lot of mixed emotions ever since. I understand your grief. It's a grief unlike death to me. It's an ongoing grief of someone you love that seemingly doesn't love you back. Someone you've given your all to that has zero gratitude. It's like the person you knew and raised them to be has died but yet they are still alive. There is no closure.
I struggle with depression a lot but I have to say Alanon helped me have a program and be around others who were enduring similar situations. This website has been helping me so much lately and working full time helps me too. I do randomly keep tabs on him through the internet. I see nothing has changed in that he's still in and out of jail. My motto with the situation now is, "No news is good news". Also, "Ignorance is bliss" and "What I don't know won't hurt me".
There are so many things my son could be doing to better his life and himself but he chooses not to. His choices, his consequences. I pray someday God will put someone in his path to make him see there is a better way. I've learned that person isn't and cannot be his mother. I've always told him to never be too proud to say you're sorry. Until that day comes and there is real change and accountability, I'd rather not hop back on that roller coaster with him. The constant stress of being in his life was literally killing me. If I don't take care of myself then who will? Our children are not ours to keep. We must let them go and hope they will come full circle someday and want a normal, loving relationship with us. This is my only child. I'm glad you have another child who is doing well. I would focus on that and let it give you strength to endure. Sending you hugs!
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ANewLife4Me
Active Member
I have not seen my daughter for a year and a half now. At first when she just up and left us one night was in a deep depression and cried non stop all day, my every waking thought was of her. She is in jail at the moment and during this time I have been reading on this board and books, strengthening myself with the truth of the situation and took my blinders off from continuing what did not work in the past. Allowing myself to feel grief over the situation and praying so hard for it to change but, knowing how destructive it is to my health and destructive for the others in my life…husband and son. I am 58 years old and put the last 10 years of my life into my daughter, before I die don’t I deserve a life as well? I want whatever days God has given me left on this earth to be happy and joyful ones as I never really had a life for myself, was always caring for others. While I hold out hope my daughter will change, I cannot keep obsessing over when she does not. I am leaving it in her hands how she proceed after jail and if that does not include showing me major changes, I am going forward…for ME.
Yes, yes, yes! You nailed it exactly.
First of all, I want to say how sorry I am for what you have experienced with your son. Having a child physically assault a parent is way beyond the pale of anything a parent should experience and is something that would break the heart of every one of us. My husband and I have endured verbal abuse, and that has been traumatizing enough, so I can only imagine the emotions you have dealt with. The thing that makes it so hard I think is that you remember who they once were and you love that person still, but you have to deal with the person they have become, who bears little resemblance to their former selves. So there's a mixture of love and dislike, anger, hurt, grief...it's hard to sort it all out at times. I want to detach emotionally but there's a part of me that seems resistant to doing that.
I like your three mottos you use by the way. I will remember those for myself.
By the way, I just updated my profile info. Our son is now 34 yo. I found this site in 2017, when he was 27 yo and things were really unraveling in his life.
We didn't hear from him from August 2023 to December 2023, which was five months of silence. During those times, I called the Phoenix police department and filed a missing persons report at least twice. He was caught shoplifting a couple of times and the police officer notified him that there was a missing persons report out on him; offered to get him help with his addiction; and one officer even offered to allow him to use his phone to call us. He declined.
He has now been silent for three months. A month ago, after filing another report, he was caught shoplifting and again was told we were looking for him, offered help with the addiction, and encouraged to get in touch with us. We have yet to hear anything. So, I have to face the fact that either he doesn't want anything to do with us or his mind is too messed up to even manage to message us on Facebook as he has in the past. I hope and pray every day that we will hear from him, and we may, but I also am trying to resign myself to the possibility that we may not hear from him again. That's really hard to deal with.
ANewLife4Me,
I'm very sorry for what has happened to your daughter and the grief and pain that has brought to your life. I'm glad you've been able to be strengthened by what you find here on this site. It has helped me tremendously. I took a break from it for a couple of years but have now returned, and I check it almost every day. There are some really wise and caring people here whose insights are so helpful and I am thankful for them.
I hope that you continue to move forward and that God will bring some healing and peace to your heart. Glad you're here.
I'm very sorry for what has happened to your daughter and the grief and pain that has brought to your life. I'm glad you've been able to be strengthened by what you find here on this site. It has helped me tremendously. I took a break from it for a couple of years but have now returned, and I check it almost every day. There are some really wise and caring people here whose insights are so helpful and I am thankful for them.
I agree with you. I am a couple of years older (62), and I have been caring for our son since I was 28, which is over half of my life. I keep telling myself that I need to not allow him to destroy the remaining years I have left. I am torn at times with wanting to detach completely (other than praying for him daily) and wanting to continue to hope that things will change. That hope can be like a ball and chain I think.
I hope that you continue to move forward and that God will bring some healing and peace to your heart. Glad you're here.
MommaTried24
Active Member
Beta I am putting you and your son in my prayers. Sounds like the addiction has gotten an incredible hold on him and I am so sorry. It really does turn them into someone we do not recognize. The exact polar opposite of who we know them to be. I pray God will put an earth angel in his path. I'm glad you are here sharing with us. Thank you.
ANewLife4Me I'll be 59 next month and this is exactly how I feel now with my son. I'm also alone so if I don't take care of myself then I'm in trouble. My epileptic son will not be here to care for me if I go down so this really puts things in perspective. I am so grateful to have you ladies here right now. I totally stumbled across this website (thank you God) and it's helping me so much.
Beta,
In my case it has been more than a year since I've seen my daughter (also 34 yo), and the last I heard from her on the phone was last summer (when she was in another crisis, unfortunately). She did message me through facebook in December but she no longer responds there either. I miss her terribly, every day. In some ways its a relief to not have the phone ringing in the middle of the night regarding the next crisis. That had become a major stress point for me. But in other says it is obviously tragic and overwhelming to contemplate the loss of who my beautiful daughter was when she was younger, loss of what a parent naturally hopes for for their child (relationship with her, enjoying life with her, etc.), and the detachment that is necessary to sustain sanity but which also goes against our nature as parents. I haven't given up hope for my daughter, but I can't cling to it too tightly either; it's better to turn her over to God.
A few things that help me include: 1) Seeking refuge in God. Having an addicted, adult child has turned that counsel from abstract theory into critical reality...hiding in God, my high tower; learning to walk with God on a daily, even moment by moment basis. Seeking is an active word, not passive. It takes effort but what other choice is there in order to preserve our own lives? Meditating and praying through verses like Isaiah 26:3-4, Philippians 4:4-8, Psalms 46 and 63, and others, is critical, as is having gratitude for what we do have and exercising lengthy prayer; 2) Al Anon literature has been helpful, especially the "One Day at a Time" booklet. Even though it is primarily for families of alcoholics, I think it is applicable to families of loved ones with other addictions too (for example, drug addiction). The three C's...”I didn’t cause, can’t control, and can’t cure the disease of alcoholism [or drug addiction]. The 12 steps, and especially the first three (1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God... Also, the Serenity Prayer is extremely helpful. Finally, 3) reading this website frequently (almost daily) has been a lifesaver for me. So much of the wisdom from other parents on this website who are struggling with the same issues has been so helpful, as well as simply knowing I am not alone in this terrible situation.
I am praying for you, your family, and your son.
Blessings
Dad34
In my case it has been more than a year since I've seen my daughter (also 34 yo), and the last I heard from her on the phone was last summer (when she was in another crisis, unfortunately). She did message me through facebook in December but she no longer responds there either. I miss her terribly, every day. In some ways its a relief to not have the phone ringing in the middle of the night regarding the next crisis. That had become a major stress point for me. But in other says it is obviously tragic and overwhelming to contemplate the loss of who my beautiful daughter was when she was younger, loss of what a parent naturally hopes for for their child (relationship with her, enjoying life with her, etc.), and the detachment that is necessary to sustain sanity but which also goes against our nature as parents. I haven't given up hope for my daughter, but I can't cling to it too tightly either; it's better to turn her over to God.
A few things that help me include: 1) Seeking refuge in God. Having an addicted, adult child has turned that counsel from abstract theory into critical reality...hiding in God, my high tower; learning to walk with God on a daily, even moment by moment basis. Seeking is an active word, not passive. It takes effort but what other choice is there in order to preserve our own lives? Meditating and praying through verses like Isaiah 26:3-4, Philippians 4:4-8, Psalms 46 and 63, and others, is critical, as is having gratitude for what we do have and exercising lengthy prayer; 2) Al Anon literature has been helpful, especially the "One Day at a Time" booklet. Even though it is primarily for families of alcoholics, I think it is applicable to families of loved ones with other addictions too (for example, drug addiction). The three C's...”I didn’t cause, can’t control, and can’t cure the disease of alcoholism [or drug addiction]. The 12 steps, and especially the first three (1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God... Also, the Serenity Prayer is extremely helpful. Finally, 3) reading this website frequently (almost daily) has been a lifesaver for me. So much of the wisdom from other parents on this website who are struggling with the same issues has been so helpful, as well as simply knowing I am not alone in this terrible situation.
I am praying for you, your family, and your son.
Blessings
Dad34
Yes, that's where my thoughts tend to go too. There are times when the sense of loss and powerlessness is overwhelming, and I have to actively turn my thoughts elsewhere, pray, or go do something physical to keep my sanity, as well. I appreciate the Bible passages you mentioned. During this past year, I read a devotional book on the lament psalms, and that was comforting. But you're right, detachment is difficult because everything in you wants to nurture and love on your child as you did when they were young.
I have to say, this situation has definitely driven me more to God. I wouldn't make it if I didn't have Him in my life to uphold me and strengthen me. This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through, as I'm sure everyone on this site would say. I have to trust that God is using it and will use it for good.
This is what my husband and I are doing too. When our son comes to mind, we pray, and then try to move on. But it's hard.
Thank you. I will pray for you and your family and your daughter as well. I try to remember to pray for everyone who posts on this site. May God's comfort and peace be poured into our hearts right now.
MommaTried24
Active Member
I really need to exercise too. I'm going to try and start back walking today. I have exercise equipment in my house that I turned my son's bedroom into. Sadly, it's a room that I never use. Treadmill, bike and Total Gym. I have no excuse. Beta and Dad34 has inspired me to start again.
ANewLife4Me
Active Member
Absolutely! I workout on my Gazelle glider everyday for 20 minutes, started at 5 minutes. 
Some days I have to force myself but really do enjoy and feel accomplished when I did so. 
Some days I have to force myself but really do enjoy and feel accomplished when I did so. MommaTried24
Active Member
That's so good ANewLife4Me! I'm very proud you force yourself to keep doing it. Had I kept going when I first put my son out, I could be in great shape by now. I've wasted so much time by giving up.
ANewLife4Me
Active Member
Never say never MammaTried24! You have the want that’s the first step.
MommaTried24
Active Member
Thank you my friend ANewLife4Me. 
Yes, please do make exercise part of your self-care routine. I just recently came across a good contrast between motivation and dedication. Motivation is your fair-weather friend, the kind of friend who's only there when she feels like it, and so she is not a dependable friend. Dedication is like a true friend, the kind who is there through thick and thin. Dedication will get you off the couch or out of bed even when you don't feel like it, whereas motivation will desert you the moment you don't "feel" like doing what you need to do and what is best for you. I work as a personal trainer, and I can tell you that the people who are waiting until they feel "motivated" will probably never get started or will never keep going once they start. The people who rely on dedication to get to the gym are the ones who see change in their lives.
ANewLife4Me
Active Member
I usually take Sundays off to rest and repair my muscles but this weekend took both days. Just in that short span of time I lost my motivation even after 4 months continuous exercise. Depression had reared its ugly head today and I almost gave in and did not exercise. I said nope, made myself a promise to take better care of me so I did my exercise. Always feels so much better….after. lol
MommaTried24
Active Member
Beta, I definitely need both motivation and determination. LOL! But I get what you're saying about the two and the contrast is so true. I'm not sure what it's going to take for me to get going again? My job is the only thing saving me right now.
ANewLife4Me, I am so proud you keep going and that you have determination! I still haven't started. I was traveling all day Saturday and then, after a phone call from my son on Sunday, depression reared its very ugly head again. Yet another day wasted in the bed all day. My 76 year old neighbor came by Monday. She was doing her walking and said she had to get home to do her yoga at 3. I'll be 59 and she's doing way more than me and I still don't care. LOL!
Hope you both have a good day!
ANewLife4Me, I am so proud you keep going and that you have determination! I still haven't started. I was traveling all day Saturday and then, after a phone call from my son on Sunday, depression reared its very ugly head again. Yet another day wasted in the bed all day. My 76 year old neighbor came by Monday. She was doing her walking and said she had to get home to do her yoga at 3. I'll be 59 and she's doing way more than me and I still don't care. LOL!
Hope you both have a good day!
MommaTried24,
I totally understand how hard it is. I've always enjoyed exercising but I have days when I feel depressed and unmotivated too. Most of the time though, if I put on some workout clothes and go to the gym, I start to enjoy myself and I find that my mood lifts. Sometimes it's the getting started that's the hard part. I would say, start small with just walking, even just 10 minutes at a time. Buy a cute workout outfit that you will enjoy wearing. Listen to music or a podcast as you exercise. If possible, find a friend who will be a workout buddy for you. Set small, achievable goals that will help build emotional momentum. Join a class.
Small steps add up to bigger things. Don't give up on it.
I totally understand how hard it is. I've always enjoyed exercising but I have days when I feel depressed and unmotivated too. Most of the time though, if I put on some workout clothes and go to the gym, I start to enjoy myself and I find that my mood lifts. Sometimes it's the getting started that's the hard part. I would say, start small with just walking, even just 10 minutes at a time. Buy a cute workout outfit that you will enjoy wearing. Listen to music or a podcast as you exercise. If possible, find a friend who will be a workout buddy for you. Set small, achievable goals that will help build emotional momentum. Join a class.
Small steps add up to bigger things. Don't give up on it.
MommaTried24
Active Member
Beta,
Thank you so much for reaching out to me with all of your kind words of encouragement. I really appreciate you! Feel so blessed to be here with you and ANewLife4Me. You all are becoming my saving grace.
Thank you so much for reaching out to me with all of your kind words of encouragement. I really appreciate you! Feel so blessed to be here with you and ANewLife4Me. You all are becoming my saving grace.
