How do you deal with it

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Malika, Apr 12, 2012.

  1. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    when someone is, or seems to be, gratuitiously rude to you?
    Question arises because of an incident with some neighbours today who, without going into all the tedious nitty gritty of the details, were really disrespectful and unfair in the way they tackled something, immediately assuming I was the guilty party for something when there was no reason to do so. No reason to do so other than that I/we are not from the village, not French (well, my mother's French and I have French nationality but I'm obviously English in my culture, thinking and accent :)) and I am a single parent, etc, etc. I feel quite upset by this sort of thing, even though I know that I am just adding fuel to the fire by continuining on the suffering in my mind afterwards...
    I immediately went and talked to them about why they were wrong in the assumptions they were making, which didn't even seem to have much effect other than seeming to make them look down on me even further...
    So I'm just interested... how do you handle it when someone is unfair or rude to you for no reason? Of course Americans are more forthright than we shrinking English violets so many of you probably give as good as you get...
  2. keista

    keista New Member

    I always try to remember that "you can't fix stupid" If that doesn't make me feel any better, I pull out the dart board. After that I break out some voodoo dolls.
  3. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm one who will stand on a chair to get in someone's face if need be...especially where my kid is concerned. And I don't care who's watching.
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    It's a culture-clash thing. Which is much harder to deal with than just plain old-fashioned rude.
    Rude you can just be rude to.

    You are culturally English - they are culturally French. You are a world-wise cosmopolitan gal - and they are "villagers" with a very "village" mindset.

    There is NO way to "make" somebody be accepting.
    And... with the many, many generations of history between the Brits and the French? Ummm... old cultural grudges die hard. You'd be better off being Moroccan... at least it's a French colony.

    Move to Canada? <just kidding, although you would enjoy it here... could even work in Que. and keep your French connection going for J as well... umm... no, that won't work either... you'd still be a Brit in a French community, and while they are somewhat more accepting here than there, it's the same problem>
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    it depends on the situation for me. someone i see often? i often try to kill with kindness. i still remember when a neighbor let their dog bark for hours every night - not a puppy or in a new house, but this went on for weeks. finally my mother made coffee, grabbed some muffins I made the day before, and at 3am rang their doorbell. she was so SWEET, offering coffee and homemade muffins because obviously they could not sleep through the dog barking either. they had been super rude about our dog barking for about 5 mn at someone who walked into our yard the week before she went over. just really jumped down my throat - and our dog stopped barking if anyone said 'be still' to her. all our neighbors knew it, too, even this one. Too add insult, this neighbor was a vet and wanted the business of all the neighbors and had really gotten pushy about how we should go to her because she was our neighbor. But she wouldn't make her own dog not bark all night long, not even after four tickets from the cops.

    you really can't fix stupid or bigoted or mean though. i only go with sweetness when it can be done in such a way as to inconvenience them, as in 3 am muffins, and not if it can be written off as me being a weak ninny they can walk all over.

    You have gone and told them why they were wrong. Now you can either act as though of course they are sorry for their rudeness, or you can start to ignore them, or you can just get in their face next time and point out some shortcoming of theirs, as in 'well, at least my yard isn't half dead' if it is something about the yard, or 'at least my child uses good manners nad doesn't slurp and chew with his mouth open like he was born in a barn' - which is a line i used with a pta mom who kept telling me all the problems that my daughter had. Mostly she wanted me to feel bad because my daughter weighed a few more pounds htan hers, not overweight, just not skinny as a rail because that is not our heredity. Her daughter had the most atrocious table manners and this was not a child who was clumsy or had motor skill problems - her mother harped on weight, makeup -for a 7yo - and being in the 'right' after school activities. Think beauty pageant skills, except the chld's manners were appalling and not just at the table.

    Everyone has somethng they are unhappy about - figure flaw, acne, something. If they try to bully you, point this out and often you can be seen as someone not to mess with. I don't reach out to bully, and if bullied i try to reach out with friendship and understanding first. But if they won't take that, i am fne wiht teachng them I am not someone to mess with for fun. It owrks better with mean girls (even grown up ones) than turning the other cheek.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I know Americans like to believe that all small town (like a village) folks are friendly and open ect ect...........And much of the time that can be true. But sometimes, the opposite is true when you move into a small community. In a village everyone knows everyone else, they know the good and the bad and all the gossip probably for many generations back. When someone new dares move in they can be viewed with curiosity, mistrust, or even as a threat simply because they're a stranger and no one knows them or anything about them or their family.

    I have actually seen this time and again over the years.

    My kids were surprised that everyone here in this small rural town had no issues with us "newcomers" and talk to us as if we've lived here forever. Yet I grew up spending most of my time in small towns among similar folk and I can talk the talk (which totally blew my kids minds away lol cuz I don't talk like that normally even though I did as a kid) and I know where they're coming from. easy child had some issues in school for a while and Travis did but it didn't last unusually long, just long enough for the kids to get to know them. (well Travis had issues due to gfgdom but you know what I mean) People had a much harder time with husband though........and husband didn't know what in the world to do with them either. lol He was a big city boy.

    I'm going to guess this is some of your issue with the neighbors, add to that you're "worldly" which can be intimidating to many, and then there is probably a culture thing going on a tad but I'm going to guess it's the "there is a stranger in our mist" thing more than anything.

    What would I do? I'd just correct them when they're wrong and keep being friendly, smile when you see them (don't let them know it bugs you in the least), and make sure to make some polite chit chat even if they don't respond at first.

    In short..........Kill em with kindness. Funny thing about kindness, it's hard to have anything bad to say about it or to hold a grudge against it.
  7. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    See... I think I would give them some sort of back-door insult. Perhaps something about what a pleasure it is to experience their quaint, small-minded and parochial thinking when you're accustomed to using critical thinking skills and facts. Just make sure you say it with a smile. ;)
  8. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    I think this is good advice, thank you! And rather counter-intuitive for me. In fact, these villagers are knd of outsiders like me in that they have a holiday house here and come here a few times a year. They are French, though, and have been coming here for a long time... It wasn't even what they were saying that was "off" - everything can be discussed - but the really rather rude and disrespectful way they were speaking. And part of THAT is cultural because the English are so tortuously polite in their dealings, whatever they are actully feeling underneath... Well, a certain breed of middle-class English, I s'pose - couldn't say that for your average football thug.

    But I think... letting it drop and being civilised and friendly is the best means of approach, and the most diginifed and self-protective.

    Thanks for the suggestion re Quebec, IC. I'd loveto go but... just couldn't deal with that strange, mangled Canadian French accent :)
  9. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Kill with kindness is great advice! I should use that more myself. Some people talk to everyone like that and don't even know they're behaving rudely. Let it roll off your back, be the better person, some people are seriously ignorant and don't know any better, pity them.
  10. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I admit I tend to walk away and stew about it too. If I see it is people looking at Q and saying things and I can head it off I have now broken his privacy (without his knowing) and said things like, wow it is really great you have such healthy kids, my son is still learning and works hard at it because he has autism...

    for you, if you admit what you are facing it would be gossip, for me I never see these people again because we are in a huge metro area. I would never do that in a small town especially since there is not even any understanding of his kind of issues. So, if you can really let it go, and smile at them and kill them with kindness, that is as good a shot as any, at least for YOUR peace of mind.
  11. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    Someone who can use the word "tortuously" correctly in a sentence can certainly come up with a "compliment" that isn't... *snicker*

    I admit, I can get pretty nasty when people are rude to me. Some of my favorites:

    When bumped into, or pushed: "Rude much?" (bad day) or "I'm SO sorry I got in your way!" (good day)
    When someone steps in front of me in line: "Excuse me, but the line begins back there" - and I point. I do this one loudly enough that the entire queue can hear me...
    When people make inappropriate comments: "I'm sorry, I don't think you have a right to an opinion on ___"

    I can't wait till someone tries to touch my belly. I've seen this happen a LOT, especially at grocery stores. husband and my Mom have carte blanche, BFFs and the rest of my family must query first, and the rest of society can go hang. I told husband - the police will be called for assault, the will ask what happened and be told by a witness that the other person attempted to touch me and I went ballistic. I won't get arrested... Self defense and the safety of my child, you know...
  12. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Yes, being rude back when someone is rude to you is very human, almost instictive but... Buddy hit the nail on the head. The most intelligent response in a tiny community in which I am going to have to see these people regularly is to let it go as far as possible and maintain an outwardly civil relationship. In fact, I talked to the old guy this morning, as I think of him for some reason, though he is not that old (late sixties?) and we had a small chat. He said at one point - not how is your son? but... Is your son still as active as ever, still get as upset and annoyed as ever?... and then I twigged. The couple downstairs went over to socialise with them last night and they will have given all the gossip about hearing Jacob get so upset/angry at times... Hence the disrespectful attitude, I suspect - the old chestnut about the fatherless boy and the permissive mother who doesn't discipline him. Anyway, let them talk, they're never going to understand or be more compassionate or tolerant. As they say in French, in a village "ça jacasse" (pronounced like an American "jackass"...) - in other words, they gossip and gossip... Honestly, if I had the money I would leave the village and buy a house with big garden somewhere outside it... For the moment, alas, it's not on the financial cards. How nice, though, to be able to relax in one's own home without being criticised and judged! :)
  13. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I must be in a "mood" today... Cause now I am thinking... Chocolate chip cookies or cake, for when they are rude to you. Have J take them. Bwahahaha.
  14. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    With something other than chocolate chip in the cookies, you mean? :devil:
  15. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I was just wondering if that "unsaid" bit would make it across the culture divide!!!