How do you get your feelings back?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ksm, Oct 5, 2015.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I seemed to have lost all feelings for daughter. It has gotten to the point that I think a good day is a day I can tolerate her. Of course, it took about 5 years to get to this point. Time after time of her yelling and talking back, belittling me and correcting every thing I saw. Here are some examples: if I say you didn't start a load of clothes... She says... Yes, I did, I just forgot to take them down and put in the washer. If I say: you forgot to take your medications... She says... I had planned to take it (as we are driving to school). This week I have endured 3 major meltdowns, 2 were in front of mental health professionals. Last night, one at home before bedtime. husband thinks she is having a mental breakdown.

    I don't feel anything any more... Well, I guess I feel a little, because it makes me sad that I don't feel...

  2. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I can't give you an answer, because I'm right there with you. The only things I feel for my son anymore is hurt and sadness and kind of empty.
    Just know you are not alone. :hugs:
  3. Tired and Hopeful

    Tired and Hopeful New Member

    I know your feeling exactly. My 40-year-old daughter has a history of drug and alcohol abuse...been to rehab multiple times and apparently the last time worked. She had to go on her own..we would no longer allow her to live here. I guess she did not like the homeless shelters because she found a program that worked for her and has been drug and alcohol free for nearly two years. However, she is not any easier to get along with. She is now a full-time college student and works, but her relationship with us is damaged. You never know what you will get with her...she might be pleasant or she might be bitter, angry and accusatory...everything is all our fault. After 25 years of dealing with this personality (her problems started at age 15) and after raising her children, both of whom were born during her drug phases, I just do not feel much of anything about her anymore. Most of the time I am apprehensive when I hear her voice because she thrives on conflict and we do not.
  4. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    KSM-I completely understand. Even though difficult child has been violent free for a few years now, he still is often verbally abusive. I love him with all my heart and enjoy him but there are times I find myself not wanting to do certain things with him. I don't know if it is PTSD or what but I want so badly not to feel the way I do at times. I am thankful for all the progress he has made and he has a great sense of humor. When I am feeling that way I try really hard to focus on all of his good points (he really does have a lot of them).
  5. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Tired and Hopeful,


    Have you joined us on Parent Emeritus?

    Come on over!
  6. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Yes, AppleCori, I have visited on that sight, and posted once, about anticipating her moving out in 5 months. (She and I are both counting! LOL)

    I know it will be a disaster in a short amount of time. One month is about the length of most her relationships.

    We do have a fetal alcohol screening in December. I am hoping it will giver her some benefits, like educational or job related, plus maybe a medical card to help pay for medications, etc. She is pretty high functioning. But probable diagnosis of bipolar or histrionic personality disorder... So this will be a lifetime struggle... Whether FASD or BiPolar (BP) or HPD...
  7. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Hi ksm

    I have an 11 year old step-daughter. Her bio-mother is an alcoholic, with Borderline (BPD) and various serious mental health issues. She has been out of the picture since step-daughter was 3 months old. Currently living in supported housing accommodation for drug addicts/ alcoholics. No contact.

    I have been step-daughter's 'mum' since she was 1 year old. We have always done everything we can to provide a happy loving home for her. She knows about her bio-mum, but obviously has no memory of her and the courts have prohibited any contact as it has been ruled that this would cause step-daughter serious emotional harm.

    I read some of step-daughter's school writing recently. It said this:

    "If I could change one thing about my family then I would live with my birth-mother. I am happy with my family as it is though, because I love everyone a lot, especially my cat."

    My only point is that, however much we love and provide for our non-biological children, we can never know what is really going on in their heads about their families of origin.

    H and I were shocked to read what step-daughter had written, but really we've been in denial. It's a huge thing for any child. How can it not be in their heads? How can it not have any effect? I just wondered how much of your daughter's behaviour and how much of your feelings are about this, not about whether or not she has put the clothes in the washer.

    I'm really sorry if I'm way off the mark. I'm just trying to deal with my own situation and do the best I can to avoid future problems, but I think maybe that future problems are to be expected and would be 'normal' if they do happen, given the circumstances.
  8. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Nij, you are not off the mark. When our daughter was 11, I could not imagine that we would get to where we are right now. She has had contact with bio mom. But the last 5 years, it has been sporadic, as biomom moved to Washington state. She contacts them thru FB messenger and promises them things she can never deliver. Plus we are kept in the dark.

    When puberty hit, things went down hill fast. I guess we did not know enough about attachment issues... KSMKSM
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  9. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    I'd be really grateful for any advice you can give me ksm and I'm sorry that you have had such a rough ride.
  10. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Maybe you could find a therapist that she or you could be talking to as she approaches puberty. I think once the girls matured, the enormity of what had happened to them, a mom who basically deserted them, hit home hard. I think once they are old enough to have a child, the reality set in that they could never choose drugs and alcohol over their own child... Even though we talked about their mom in a fairly positive manner, that she loved them, but wasn't able to take care of them. But reality is a hard truth... KSM
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  11. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    I think I will have a talk with my husband about this.

    That's a good quote ksm

    Thank you
  12. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    It is so difficult.

    My mom lives next door to a woman who has custody of her grandson. His parents neglected him to the point that he couldn't walk or talk at age two and a half. The doctor thought he was autistic. Turns out he was left alone in the crib all day so he wouldn't make any messes.

    He is 10 now and doing great. Has two hours a week supervised visitation with parents (when they show up).

    And he would like nothing better than for the parents to move in with he and his grandmother.
  13. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    AppleCori, I wonder what his grandma would think of that! LOL.

    We had a pretty good relationship with xdil for quite a few years. But now, she has made so many empty promises to the girls over the last several years, that I am very angry with her. The last one was in March. She told them she had tickets to fly back to our state, and she was going to live here, and be the kind of mom they needed her to be. Well, she gave them a flight number, date, every thing! They were like detectives... Googling it, finding out there was a flight with that number, that day, that location. Then that day came and gone and she wouldn't answer FB messages or phone calls for over two months.

    Who can do that to their kids?? KSMKSM