How I spent 1-2-2013

[dstc_99]

So this last week has been a blast. After all the drama with difficult child attending a party with alcohol and the boyfriend getting on twitter and taunting her to hurt herself difficult child called me into her room on New Years Day to talk. I knew immediately this had to be bad because she never 'willingly' talks to me. She generally hides in her room and avoids me like the plaque. Anyway apparently she thought she was pregnant. She went on to say that she had taken two home pregnancy tests and one had been positive the other negative. She told me she had taken a picture of the positive one and sent it to the boyfriend since he was refusing to communicate. The boyfriend proceeded to post it to twitter and called her a liar. At some point he found a very similar if not the same picture online and used it on twitter to prove his point. His friends attacked like piranhas.

I kept my calm during the whole thing. I told her to keep her mouth shut and stay offline. I told her I would take her to get a blood test in the am. I then went to my room to do some research on the twitter **** since she had not seen what was being said because she has recently deleted her twitter account. It was pretty brutal. These kids are just downright nasty but then again I don't expect much else from the people the boyfriend hangs out with.

I asked her to show me the photo she sent and or the message she sent and as usual she had deleted it all which is the norm when I ask for proof of anything. This time I took the phone and ensured she wasn't lying about things being deleted. I did find some interesting photos though. She had multiple pictures of her bedside table top. difficult child's argument was that the picture the boyfriend found online included a pink cap on the pregnancy test and the background was different. She was trying to say that the table it was laying on was different. Honestly I think they are the same picture. One is zoomed in and doesn't show a cap the other is zoomed out and does. The backgrounds look exactly the same to me.

Long story short she is not pregnant. I think she may have pulled the picture off the internet and sent it to him thinking she wouldn't get caught. She was slightly nervous about the pregnancy test thing but she had started her period on New Years Day so she was pretty sure it wasn't an issue. Normally though if she is worried about things she is an . She has this demeanor that I can't explain but I know and that tells me when she is actually worried. I didn't get that feeling while we were waiting for the results. I think the whole thing was a cry for attention. I don't think she ever thought she was pregnant or had a positive test she wanted his attention and couldn't get it so she tried something new. Even after I told her to stay off the internet and not speak to him she did so I took her phone and changed all the computer passwords so she would have no access to him at all.

After the pregnancy test results came back I went to the school to speak with the principal about the issues. I want her separated from this guy. Basically they sent me to the Court Designated Worker who was out of the office for the day. They feel that I should file charges. They are going to let the teachers know to keep an eye out but they can't keep her away from him 100%.

I am confused about what is the right action. Both of the kids are in the wrong. difficult child may have sent a fake pregnancy test picture to him which spurred some of these actions or she may have truly thought she was pregnant until she started her period. On the other hand she didn't force him to put it on twitter. The boyfriend is taunting her to hurt herself. He and his friends are being extremely nasty even after she has had no access to them or made any comments for several days. I truly do feel she is being harassed but at the same time I also feel she has made the mistakes that got her here.

 

[JJJ]

Since the boys mom won't teach him respect, I think you may need to get a restraining order. It may not stop him but it is the first step.

Have you considered a psychiatric hospital stay for your daughter? How close to the edge is she?

 

[TeDo]

She may have acted in ways that weren't acceptable BUT she did not ask to be harassed and taunted and bullied and antagonized and ... They are being bullies plain and simple. Absolutely file charges. She is "sick" (and REALLY needs counseling), what's HIS (and his friends') excuse!?!

 

[dstc_99]

Since the boys mom won't teach him respect, I think you may need to get a restraining order. It may not stop him but it is the first step.

Have you considered a psychiatric hospital stay for your daughter? How close to the edge is she?

She is probably closer than she has ever been. She makes comments I don't care for. According to her therapist and the local mental health center they wont take her unless she states she intends to hurt herself. What is confusing is that she will say things that sound very final like "let me go to my room and think of reasons not to kill myself." They see this as positive because she is actively searching out ways to avoid harm. I see that as I already thought of ways to do it let me go talk myself out of it. ????

 

[dstc_99]

She may have acted in ways that weren't acceptable BUT she did not ask to be harassed and taunted and bullied and antagonized and ... They are being bullies plain and simple. Absolutely file charges. She is "sick" (and REALLY needs counseling), what's HIS (and his friends') excuse!?!

I agree but I did warn difficult child that since she has not been an angel in this situation that his parent could just as easily file charges against her as well. That made difficult child furious!

 

[buddy]

I wish it would help but can you stop them all? Will a restraining order be followed by difficult child too? She won't be able to have contact with him. Will she sneak a text or call to him?
Will they bully her more? I am not saying not to do it, just can see how hard a decision it is. I wish kids realized that when they put things in print it will go public. She's not ready for a phone for sure. Poor kid. I wish it was easy to protect her. I'm so sorry you are having to struggle through this.

(We need much better conflict resolution and anti bully programs in schools....)

 

[DaisyFace]

I must have missed something...

I thought the phone got cut off or taken away as part of the grounding for drinking?

 

[BusynMember]

I think (in my opinion) that the big question here is not who is right or wrong...there is probably not a lot you can really do to protect your daughter, especially since she is choosing to live a very dangerous life in the fast lane. Just the fact that she could have been pregnant is proof of unprotected sex. Is she using drugs? We know she was caught drinking.

If this were my daughter (and at one time I had a daughter who was going down the wrong track) I'd be more concerned with getting her some help before she turns 18. She is seriously disturbed and, although nobody deserves to be bullied, there are things some people do to bring bullying down on their heads...like sending a fake positive pregnancy test to an ex or just being inappropriate on Twitter at all. Again, that does not excuse jerky boyfriend, but your daughter isn't helping herself. If she is depressed and suicidal see if she will voluntarily sign herself in for treatment. She needs the help. I tried getting some horrible kids to stay away from my daughter when she was in her drug days and it just did not work and the police were not much help. They didn't think too highly of my daughter anyway...but there are limits to what they and the school can do at their ages. And, of course, a friend of a friend of a friend can always pass along a message...etc, etc. etc.

I think I'd be mostly focused on how to help daughter. She is not making good choices and is not happy with herself.

I wish you all the best and hope you can get her the help that she needs as well as relief from the harassing, which is a real self-esteem killer.

 

[DaisyFace]

I think I'd be mostly focused on how to help daughter. She is not making good choices and is not happy with herself.

I wish you all the best and hope you can get her the help that she needs as well as relief from the harassing, which is a real self-esteem killer.

Ditto!

 

[confuzzled]

double ditto.

i also think that its time to stop the excuses. i'm not sure how i would handle my 17 year old, but i'm pretty sure i wouldnt be running to the school each time *she* was in the wrong and pointing fingers at everyone but her. i would mom up. if she isnt stable enough to handle the school/social environment maybe its worth discussing some home school options until she can better handle things....it sounds like she needs pretty constant supervision.

sorry if that sounds harsh, just my opinion.

 

[SuZir]

However I would caution not send a child a message, that they did it for themselves, they are supposed to be bullied and treated cruelly, because they are faulty. That is okay for others to treat them like koi and they deserve that. And that is danger if you just ignore the bullying and concentrate on what your daughter did wrong and what is wrong with her. It is more urgent to cut more harm happening than start of the reasons person is putting themselves on the harms way.

If a person is abused by their spouse, it doesn't help a lot to treat anxiety or depression of the victim and wonder why they would want to choose to be beaten weekly when the abuse is still going on. And with the kids, if even the parents don't stand up for a kid and try to protect them, how is a kid assumed to think they are worth protecting and doing it for themselves?

Your daughter needs help for her issues, but she also needs to be protected and she needs to feel that you and her dad are on her corner.

 

[Mattsmom277]

I think there are plenty of wise ideas here. In your shoes, I would do the following: Ban all cell phone and internet usage. Period. End stop. If school work requires internet, I would supervise side by side and print out research and log off the computer (which would be password protected). I would report the incidents to the parents and the school, in a short letter copied to all that should know what is going on. I would then leave it up to the parents of the other kids to do whatever they decide, and I would move on, getting on to the business of dealing with my difficult child while others can deal with theirs. I would then let go the role of others in this. I would inform difficult child that you did notify parents and the school, because bullying isn't something you will watch happen to your daughter. I would then refuse to engage in any discussion of blaming the other kids for their ignorance and actions, and I would make clear that while you know they are in the wrong, your focus is where it needs to be/must be/should be: with your own difficult child who you DO have the power to work with. I would then outline the ban on cell phones and internet. I would give no target for returning those non essential activities/devices. I would make it clear that your job as HER mom, is to deal with HER. And that you won't be even considering reinstating phone/net participation until you have seen mighty changes in your difficult child. I would call her out plainly on taking the photo from the web, making up stories of pregnancy, the desperation of that type of behavior, and her own role in why other peers are acting so horribly to her (not that it is ok to bully her, but they see her as a messed up teen girl who will lie and behave terribly herself, which frankly, she is). I would remind her that we are NOT the sum of our mistakes, she has good qualities (outline them) but the focus will be remaining on the negative behaviors. Life would not be the same as difficult child has grown used to, etc.

I know it sounds probably as though I'm letting others off the hook. Truly I'm not. I just don't see why you would want to waste energy trying to correct ill behavior of other teens when you've enough on your plate with your own. Know what I mean?? You've got your hands right full, and understandably you want to show your difficult child that she has a right to be treated properly. The quick note to the parents and school covers that, you had her back on that part of things. Then regroup and refocus on what working with her to see how awful these choices are, the effect on others not to mention on herself, and what is spurring this type of attention seeking/desperation.

Best of luck to you. Teens are hard without them being difficult children.

 

[DDD]

With genuine caring for your complex situation I do believe that you are confused about your role and her mental health. Honestly I can relate. It is really complex when you have a child who "achieves" and yet is "dysfunctional". It is a heartbreaker because you want to focus on the "good and normal" parts and stifle the "difficult child parts". been there done that. I still struggle with the split aspects. It is MUCh easier to see "good" vs "bad" but some of our kids are deeply troubled even if they do manage to achieve goals. I think you really have to dig deep and figure out what your long term goals are for her.....and then, guide her in that direction and pray! Hugs DDD

 

[dstc_99]

I am seeing a dr tomorrow in order to possibly admit myself for treatment, the stress of dealing with difficult child has gotten to be too much. difficult child is leaving for the weekend to go to her grandparents and possibly transfer schools. She is refusing to go to therapy with me tomorrow because she is too angry even though I got us an emergency session after a major blow up tonight. I was so upset by her lack of consideration for others and her disrespect for me that I told her to pack her stuff.

I can't take it anymore. She doesn't care about anyone but her self. The easy child and I are paying the price for her anger. I am so emotionally drained that I honestly dont know if I care if she comes back. I know my parents will just validate her and I will be even more evil in her eyes but right now I just don't care. They made it very clear to me tonight that they do not support me or my parenting and difficult child made it very clear that she thinks I need help. So I am seeking help. difficult child is refusing help and repeatedly refers to therapy as if it is some sort of place I ship her off to in order to fix her. Nothing I do to support her is considered support it is always considered some form of punishment. I can't continue this way and I refuse to live with someone who emotionally abuses me.

She truly thinks that I should be 100% supportive and do everything for her and never be angry at her about what she has done. I should pat her on the back and say I love you and I will make it all better.

 

[buddy]

I admire that you are going to take care of yourself. It sets a good example too. Stress needs to be lowered for all of you to move forward.

Have you read "The Explosive Child " by Ross Greene? That could really help support you and how different your parenting of difficult child is from how your parents needed to do their job (guessing @ how life was for them smile).

 

[TerryJ2]

Whew. Glad she isn't pregnant.
I am glad that you are taking care of yourself.
I think that she needs to be admitted, too, and while she's there (once you get out, and get her in) maybe they could do a Norplant, too. (Or whatever they're called now.)

You are really going through a rough patch. Hugs.