How to handle sperm donor

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by PatriotsGirl, Jan 17, 2014.

  1. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    So, ex-difficult child has still been, well, just awesome. She is just not a difficult child at all anymore. She is kicking butt at her job and they are really noticing her and giving her more hours. Seh never calls in, she is always early adn never refuses an extra hour when offered. She is not dating anyone, nor does she have any desire to. She is such a loving and devoted mother to Connor. She just makes me SO proud.

    We are all in the living room last night playing peek a boo with Connor and he is just laughing up a storm. Then Marina gets a phone call and goes upstairs to take it. She is up there for a little while and then comes downstairs crying. It was the sperm donor. He must have used a calling card to call her. (First time in 4 1/2 months mind you).

    I don't know what was said and quite frankly, I don't care. I hate this "man" with every fiber of my being. I keep finding out more lovely things about this POS like how when she went to jail, he had given her a concussion from beating her. So you can imagine the things that I wish I could do to him. I am so angry. I want to yell, scream, shake her and ask her how in the world she could possibly shed one tear over this pile of poo. I couldn't even talk to her about it. I went to bed silently fuming. She posted on FB how she was sad after that phone call. Ick.

    I don't want him near my daughter and I don't want him around my grandson. I realize he is the sperm donor, but that is ALL he is. In my eyes, you need to EARN the title of daddy or father.

    I need advice. I really do. How do I handle him having this contact with her? Is it my business? Do I stay out of it? I feel SO strongly against this person. She is positively flourishing with him being gone. I want him to stay gone.

    How in the world do I behave about this??
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oh, trust me I know how you feel.

    I feel that this is up to your daughter. I don't believe he will even listen to her. Your daughter will probably listen to your suggestions however. Maybe put "restraining order" in her ear. Be a great listener and soothe her. You probably want to strangle him, but in the end your daughter has to set him straight.

    I have an idea. Have her threaten to take him to court for child support :)
  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    PG, this is a time when you absolutely need to keep your cool. Stay calm, I think your daughter know he is bad news....but hs cared about him at one time and him contacting her is very confusing. I nuggets you call a local domestic violence agency for support and ideas for yourself and also encourage her to call. Some agencies have support groups for survivors....and I know your daughter has gotten support around the drug addiction but she may also need some support around the very abusive relationship she was in. Her reaction to him makes sense even though it is driving you nuts.


    Sent from my iPad using ConductDisorders
  4. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    It is not your business. And despite your feelings, or your daughter's feelings, he is a father of your grandson. Your grandson is of course very young, but he will grow and for him it will be very important that adults in his life give him a positive outlook to both of his parents, within reason of course. Letting your feelings, while very understandable, get between that will hurt your grandson.

    You can of course encourage your daughter to see the father of her son as who he is and plan her life accordingly (meaning, it seems his role in your grandson's life has to most likely be limited and supervised, if even that and your daughter should not expect any real help from him.) But other than that, try to keep your feelings on yourself.
  5. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    The problem is, I don't think she had a problem talking to him. I think she was crying because she felt bad for him.

    I just talked to her - I told her to look at her son and think about all of the love she felt for him. I said now imagine someone beating him. Imagine someone giving him a concussion. She said "oh, no, that wouldn't happen". I said think about it happening. I asked, now, how do you feel about the person that did that? She said she would kill him. I said now you know how we feel about him. She said "oh...". I think she has an idea right now how we are husband was just as angry when I told him who it was last night.
  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh boy PG I know what TL has said is true but I too would have a very hard time dealing with any contact with him if she was my daughter and living in my home. But then I would probably just push her closer to him by expressing my feelings. This is somethingyouwill probably need help dealing with, as will she. The hope of course is that the longer he is away the stronger she will get and will want a better life than what he could ever offer.
  7. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    She still makes excuses for him. She thinks it was justified because she went after him first. According to her, he was "defending" himself. Yeah, I think she definitely needs to talk to someone. I am going to suggest she do that. He told her he has been told he can parole out in 18 months - in the meantime, I will do my research on how we can protect her and Connor. He is not on the birth certificate, so right now, he has no rights. He would have to take her to court for parental rights and I would lawyer up on that one. I know my inlaws will pay for any legal fees that we would need. I really wish he would just disappear...
  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Stay out of it. You expressed your concerns. Now you must tight lip it. Seriously.

    sent from mobile phone
  9. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    I would support my daughter on what she wants to do regarding him but keep my opinions of him to myself. Both of my X's are real SOB's but I will always have a place in my heart for the fathers of my children; I loved them enough to create a child, that love didn't die it just changed.

    I keep thinking back (25 years) to when my brother and I went to bar and drank ourselves stupid while he was broken up with girlfriend. I gave him a no holds barred earful on what I thought of that little scank. Can you imagine how I felt at their wedding a couple months later?

  10. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I don't know what the laws are in your state...

    I know a few people who were in bad relationships when they became pregnant - a girlfriend who had a baby her senior year of HS, a friend of the family who was in an abusive marriage and had filed for divorce, a friend of h's and his wife was in love with another man but pregnant with the h's friend's baby (and her parent's hated h's friend) ...

    In both cases where they were married - the child is automatically the spouse's child. My HS girlfriend was not married, so that wasn't a concern. Long story short, these were all women from strong families. The fathers of the women presented the baby's fathers with legal documents that voluntarily terminated their parental rights which had the added benefit of removing any paternal responsibility for child support. So a trade off. (Thinking back; I wouldn't be surprised if 1 or all grandpas slipped baby daddy a cash incentive as well.)

    In all cases, it was a blessing. I've lost track of my HS girlfriend since around 1992 - but I am pretty sure that her son's father never contacted her or their son. The friend of the family remarried when her child was a toddler and the new husband adopted her son. H's friend never saw his child beyond the birth and I don't think he has many regrets. He too remarried and had a child with his wife; and I think his ex wife married her new love and her h adopted the baby.

    And should sperm donor be worthy of being a father to this child someday - that would still be up to your daughter. The document would protect her and the baby from sperm donor exercising or insisting upon his parental rights against her wishes. The trade off is that the sperm donor won't have any responsibility to pay child support - but frankly I think it's doubtful that he will.

    HTH - and I'd speak to a family attorney.
  11. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    I can totally appreciate your serious concern, PG. I am naturally a catastrophiser and would be very alarmed that if she keeps in phone contact with him, she may waver and resume her relationship with him when he gets out of jail, thus being tempted to go back to her "old" way of life. I'm ignorant as to your legal options, PG.
    This is a test of your daughter's mettle. She's been very, very mature so far, and I'm sure she'll want to continue that growth.
    A therapist for her would be a great way for a third party with no skin in the game to help her through what she's thinking and feeling without judgment.
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    In this situation you have to take the old "smile and nod" tactic. Whatever you say just cant have a good outcome. I have a ton of experience with bad relationships for my kids. I have stated my thoughts and had that turn out badly for me. I am really not overly fond of any of the girlfriend's or the I do my best to just act.

    Now as far as how to act about the sperm donor...that is hard but you can do it. Never speak ill of the man to either of you daughter or grandson. Remember that Connor is half this man and you dont want Connor to grow up thinking that part of him is bad. My first son's father was a real piece of work. I havent seen him since he left me right after my son turned 1. I never said anything bad about him and today my son knows exactly what type of man he is. This is the hardest part about being a grandmother.
  13. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Honestly I would stay out of if. The most I might do is talk with your daughter and let her know your concerns but that you know this is her decision. Possibly try to discuss with her some healthy boundaries for when he gets out of jail.

    Sent from my iPhone using ConductDisorders
  14. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Thanks everyone!

    He is not listed on the birth certificate and Connor does not have his name. He would have to take her to court to get a test done to establish paternity in order to have any rights to Connor.

    I am trying to look up current usage on my cell plan but it is not working. If there is any way to block future calls from him, I will do it. From a FB post she made after she got home from work last night, I think he may have contacted her again. She posted that the sound of his voice made her heart ache. I assume she is talking about that jerk, which makes me want to vomit. I am such a type A personality - my tongue hurts from biting I am thinking it may bleed today.

    But, you are right. I look at Connor and he does look a lot like him. I try to tell myself I cannot hate someone that helped create this beautiful child. But it doesn't help. I do hate him. Immensely.

    And lately, the other grandmother has been posting on M's FB page. She lives in Florida. It bugs me in one way, only because her son is the A hole, but I do feel kind of bad for her. Connor is such a joy and a delight and she doesn't get to experience any of that.

    And, my husband still works with the jerk's aunt. We adore his aunt, though. She is a great lady. She loves seeing pictures of baby Connor but has absolutely NO idea that she is related to him. She does not know that our daughter and her nephew were together nor does she know any of the history. M and I will be stopping by husband's work on Thursday while we are in the area - husband wants to show off his grandson. That is going to be very strange. Chances are, the aunt is going to hold Connor. I am going to have to ask husband if he wants us to keep this secret - I don't know if M would say anything, but you never know. I remember the feeling after I had my son. My husband was estranged from his family - it made my heart ache. I wanted them all to know this beautiful little boy that was part of their family...

    Ugh. So, yeah. I will bite my tongue and probably make it
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh boy that is hard about the aunt.

    Yeah M will have to go to court to get paternity done but that may happen whether any of you want it to or not if Connor gets any sort of help like medicaid. DSS is very big on child support...and so they should be. The only time they will agree not to contact the missing parent is if the parent with the child can convince them that there is a good reason such as abuse. Even then sometimes they will make the missing parent pay child support to the court and not give out the other parents location. Though I have seen mom's get out of that by simply not giving a father's name. I worked for DSS and I know I had several clients who claimed that the father was "John" and they met him at a party while intoxicated.

    About the phone calls. If you have a cell phone, you can go to the app store and buy an app that blocks certain calls. Now it wont stop her from calling out but it can stop him from calling in.
  16. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    She gets WIC and Connor has Medicaid. That is it for government food stamps or welfare.

    We did see Connor's great aunt yesterday. It tugged at both (M and I) of our heartstrings. She is just such an awesome lady and she grabbed Connor and loved on him. She would be BEYOND thrilled to find out she was related to him. We both wanted to tell her so badly but husband said no. When M asked why, he said it was not his place to tell her - that it is the jerk's place to tell her. I don't necessarily agree with that, but, the jerk did not want his aunt to know they were dating before so maybe that is where that stems from. I did tell M that if the great aunt were to find out, that husband and I would have to play like we had NO idea they were related. But, it is bound to come out sooner or later. M is friends on Facebook with the jerk's brother and mother (brother is a great, normal guy married to a great normal woman. Actually, everyone I know in that family is great, except for the jerk.) Great aunt is also friends with M's brother on Facebook - it is bound to come out. I told husband that last night and he shrugged and just said it was not his place to say anything.

    On another note, M had a drug evaluation today. The lady that ordered the original one agreed that she is SO different now than she was then, that a new one really was needed. It came back as a recommendation for Stage 1 outpatient treatment and that is only due to her past. Her PO explained that they are going by hours so she needs to complete 41 hours of outpatient. Since the classes she is going to are 3.5 hours a week, she should be able to complete that in 12 weeks instead of the 24 she originally thought.

    Honest to God, I really don't think she needs anything. It has been almost five months of living with her again - she is a normal person now. Completely. I know it is hard for others to believe - they have probably heard it a million times, but it really is true. It seems kind of ridiculous to attend these at this point, but it will show the judge she did what he wanted and then hopefully we can put this all behind us.

    Jerk called M again the other night - at almost midnight. Do they normally let prisoners out at that hour to make phone calls or could he have a stashed phone with him in prison? If that is the case, I think I may need to make a phone call to that prison and notify them that he is making calls...may ruin any chance for early parole?
  17. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hi PG,
    Just wanted to say I am so very glad that your daughter continues to make good progress functioning in the world and also at home as a good mom to Connor.

    I did want to add that I think it would be wise for your daughter to see a therapist as other's have mentioned. She's gone through a whole lot and this would be someone unbiased that she could talk to about everything in confidence.

    I know how much you love your daughter PG. and I know the fears you must have re "sperm donor". I too am another here though that thinks the more you try and control this "relationship" the more it will backfire.

    I am hoping that your daughter will continue to make progress, to open her eyes in her own time and see things for what they are.
    I keep you all in my prayers.
  18. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I believe that having a baby can change a person. Sometimes that is just what does it for them.

    I am shocked that Jerk can make phone calls at that time of night. From what I understand they are locked into their cells quite early. Could he possibly be in one of those honor dorms where they are all in one big room with bunks? Maybe they have phones that are accessible all the time though even then I would think prisoners would have to be in their beds by midnight.

    Knowing me, I would probably make a call to the prison and simply ask if prisoners are allowed to call that late. You could simply say that you noticed recently some incoming calls from there late at night.