how to stop worrying...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by missy44, Jun 22, 2009.

  1. missy44

    missy44 New Member

    Well, as some of you may know my son is living at home again and doing very well for the last month or so. He has only been living at home since last week though, he had to jump through many hoops to be able to come back home.

    Today is the first day that we have gone to work and the other kids have gone to school, leaving us to trust that our son continues to do the right thing.

    Today he was told to wake up up 8:30am (which he did-he called me), shower (which he did), head downtown on his skateboard (he had a dr's appointment at 1:00pm), apply for two jobs (downtown).

    I'm assuming he went to the doctor but everything else is worrying me. I'm trying so hard to detach but it's not working. All I keep thinking is "what if he messed up today", "what if he is using today". I know there is nothing I can do about any of it. I guess it was somewhat easier when he wasn't living with us, you don't tend to get your hopes up as much.

    At this time, I'm at work, thinking the worst, sick to my stomach, imagining how I'm going to tell his little brother that he messed up again and can't stay at home. That other part of me says "no, he's doing the right thing today".

    Any words of wisdom?
    Thanks all
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Mostly lots of hugs. It's hard to detach... Even for me, and I am "only" a stepmom!

    Just relax with something you like... And think about the positives. There isn't much to stop your worry, but you know that it is his life and he has to get it together.

    If he does - wonderful! - If not, you have done your best. I wouldn't allow drugs in my home either.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Don't set your hopes too high. That's all I can say as words of wisdom. Hope for the best, but don't really expect everything good to happen or for him to follow all your instructions. And, if he was abusing drugs once, don't be shocked if you find out he's doing it again, even in your house.

    Been there/done that. Just don't have high expectations and move on with your own life.
  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Missy, I'm one of the hard-nosed warrior Moms but I still worry and Rob is doing well! I don't think you ever don't worry when you love your child.

    The good news is that you've been down this road before so if things go south it probably won't shock or devastate you like it did the first...or second time. Each disappointment has made you stronger and more resilient even if you don't believe that now.

    So hope for the best and plan for the worst. Make lunch plans with a friend tomorrow to get you out of the office and break up your day. Take a book to read on breaks or walk around the building to burn off some steam.

    Fingers crossed that all is well when you get home.

  5. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I understand too. When my son was home and by himself when everyone went to school and work we tried to trust him - it was hard. It didnt take him long to mess up because he was around the same people. He is not living with us now and it was hard again to let him go - but I have no idea what he is doing. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Hang in there and hope for the best - you never know he may surprise you.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry. This seems agonizing, the wonder and worrying. Is there some task that will need your attention that you can dive into? Something to take your mind off of it?

    Be sure to use YOUR support network to help you through this.

    Sending a big ol' cyber bear hug to you.
  7. missy44

    missy44 New Member

    I think what makes this so hard this time is that he is actually trying so hard and he's looking so good.

    He's given up all of his old friends (every last one of them), has a new girlfriend (she won't even tolerate cigarette smoking) and he's head over heels.

    He has a job interview tomorrow. Today he showed up at my work after applying for 2 job, visiting his psyc and overall it was a good day and a good night. Wow, he's been eating like a horse for the last month, the weight looks so good on him.

    On Wednesday he's in a golf tournament with his doctor and 2 counselors and some other "difficult child". I laughed and said "don't make any new friends", but inside I meant it.

    When he is good, he's so good. We all played some road hockey the other night and the laughing felt so good. I forgot how wonderful his smile was.

    He says that he's through with this chapter of his life. He fully admits that he has a few drinks now and then but that he doesn't want to do drugs, he sees what it's done to him. No friends, people after him, etc... Tonight we had a friend of his over, hung out by the pool and had hot tub. My younger two are loving their "old" brother.

    Fingers crossed that tomorrow will be good day too! Twelve hours at a time is my motto.

    Thanks everyone. It's so good to have a place to vent my worries. My hubby and I are going to continue on with our counselling too.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Missy, those are EXCELLENT signs of wanting to quit. That's what my daughter did. She changed all her friends. The worse challenge for her was her old friends finding her and pushing her. It sounds like your son doesn't like using drugs and he may stumble, but I'll bet he will quit this chapter of his life eventually. ((((Hugs))))
  9. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It does all sound very positive. The only other advice I can add to the above is to maybe attend a few al-anon meetings, and read some literature, to keep up those detachment skills. For me, they are helpful reminders when I am feeling less strong.
  10. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Unbelievable!!!!!!!!!! I dont think I will ever see the day. Amazing.
  11. missy44

    missy44 New Member

    Hi all

    Yes, I really do think he wants to change. His friends are in close proximity to our home which scares me, but he really seems to be fed up this time. They've always used and abused him, he's always been the giver (even with his closest friends) and this last time they told him they wanted nothing to do with him until he got his act together (the same boys who are wheeling and dealing in the big stuff). They don't care about him, they just didn't want him hanging around, smoking their dope and my son ran out of money. I know these boys will come calling again when difficult child gets a job, but at this point in time my son really seems like he's done. Yes, he will falter in some way I'm sure. I was told we would have bumps in the road but that each time it would get better and I'm starting to see that.

    MidwestMom - Your posts scare me to death! I love your honesty, you like to "nail things on the head" so your latest post put the biggest smile on my face :) If someone like you (who's been through hell and back) can see some positive then something must be going right for me!

    As I said before, I'm going to continue to get counselling and work on me. A few meetings sounds like a good idea.

    A new update, difficult child had an interview today, he said it went well. We'll see, fingers crossed. It's just part time, I don't want to push too hard right now. Anyhow, after his interview (and applying for a few other jobs) he called on a friend who he hasn't seen in ages and invited her over for a swim. This girl is clean as they come, leaving in 3 days (joined the military) and seems to have a good head on her shoulders. So I've survived another 24 hours...
    Lasted edited by : Jun 23, 2009
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi :) I'm a horrible I think the best sign of a child wanting to change is when he makes positive changes. If the child doesn't change his friends, he is still rooted in the drug culture. There is no way for an addict to quit and be around drug addicts. Your son is young, like my daughter was, when she got fed up. One day she saw a "friend" of hers with track marks up and down her arms and thought, "That will be me one day." It was the beginning of her journey toward quitting. She did not want to be that person. Also, she had other positives going for her, like your son does. My daughter was bright and had actually gone to Comsmetology School while being high--she had ambition in spite of the drugs. She also worked from age 16 on up. She got no money from us unless she did, and she was a good worker. She short of "lost it" from ages 12-19. As soon as she was shown the door, and moved in with her straight-arrow brother in another state, she really changed for the better. She had to walk to work--she had no car or license or way to buy insurance anymore--but she did it! And now she's sooooooo anti-drug. She won't even take aspirins and likes herbal remedies. She still drinks sometimes, but only at appropriate times and will never drink and drive. She has a boyfriend now for seven years and they just bought a house. I do think that if they are going to seriously quit and yearn for a better life, it is usually when they get to be around 19-21 or else it's harder and usually a much longer trek. At times it CAN be forever (there's my realism again). I think your son is one of those kids who just needs your support and praise and expect him to slip a few times. But since he's trying, I'd give him some leeway unless you see him going WAY back to where he was. Bad signs would be if you see him hanging with his old "friends" again.

    Some kids go through a drug phase and get over it. I so wish you all the luck in the world with your boy. I love a success story, believe me :D. You ARE going to worry about him though. I still worry about my daughter. I think right now, set him up for success. Don't put too much on him, like leaving him alone at home where his "friends" may find out he's alone and insist he let them in to know how bad these "friends" are. Misery LOVES company. Druggies stick together and don't want to lose anyone. I was shocked and horrified at how they'd push my daughter to use!

    Please update us. And, remember, he's not going to be perfect, but he's on the right track ;)
  13. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Words of Wisdom:
    For me, much of feeling better has to do with strengthening myself. This means physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. So, I have more ability to detach. I continue to hope for the best, but accept that something else is entirely possible. I don't get as "caught up" in that as I once did. I understand that my child's choices are just that...her choices. I suppose I still have brief moments that I wonder "why" or if there was or is something I can do to make it better. But I understand that I can not make my child's choices for her. I can help her to a certain extent. However, I also can hold her accountable for her poor choices and compliment her or reward her for good ones made. Bottom line...I am a little removed, just not as emotionally involved in it all. I try to show a certain "unconditional" positive regard and love to my difficult child as a human being and family member. However, I still expect appropriate behavior and for her to be accountable for her actions. I understand that I also deserve to treat myself with respect and love and by being too enmeshed...too involved...overly emotional...overly worried about a child that has a great tendency to make the wrong choices was tearing me apart. The answer became clear...simply do something different...and that "different" was to make a decision to change the way I was going to look at and react to difficult child behavior. Listen to what the others have said. Enjoy your son's good decisions. If he makes a poor choice, it is on him. Determine, what consequences might be appropriate and if there needs to be rectification. Ask that it be done and expect that it will be. Chances are good, that he is on the right road. And if he hits a snag...remember its only temporary. Eventually he will see the light. Don't let it THROW YOU! Don't look strong, hold your head up high and move forward. AAF
    Lasted edited by : Jun 23, 2009
  14. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    That is great advice for Missy! I was just wondering - for the ones whose difficult children have turned from their old friends - what did you do to help them once they got tired of being in that environment? My son is still with a friend - I am sure they are either using or selling drugs - the friend called and left a message on my cell phone yesterday saying he bought my son a pair of shoes?!! Well good - dont expect to be paid back by us! Our finances are kinda shrinking right now because my husband is on part time - as needed status with his engineering job. So we have no money to do anything! Anyway, my difficult child still wants to go tot he doctor or psychiatrist to be able to get his prescriptions - klonopin - we cannot pay for that and he has no job - so what to do? I wish he would go to mental health and get evaluated, etc. but he said he wouldnt because "they wouldnt give him anything" - so that is what I am dealing with - kudos to you all that have difficult children that are finally "getting it"!
  15. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Susan, the answer is.. "nothing." Except learn to take care of yourself and not your difficult child.
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Susan, I didn't do a thing. She did it all. She was in Illinois and I was in Wisconsin. And the LAST thing she wanted ANYTHING to do with (and she is still this way) are ANY kinds of drugs, especially stuff like Klonopin. He isn't quitting if he wants it--it's a cousin to Xanax. I take it for anxiety, however I take one pill PRN. My daughter may or may not have a mild mood disorder, but she don't like psychiatric medication and will NOT take it. She also has insomnia. The only thing she will do for it is try Melatonin and meditation. She has swung in the other direction, which is common, much like a smoker gets very anti-cigarette after he/she quits.

    You can not help him in his journey. He will decide to do it himself and you will see him PURPOSELY pushing his druggie friends out of his life. He will suddenly get ambition and maybe want to go to school and he will get a job, any job. My daughter's first job after her drug use was to walk back and forth to a Subway. She eventually became the Manager and worked her tail off for almost no money at all. Her brother, who she lived with, would not drive her anywhere except when they went shopping together or to visit his extremely religious Christian friends--none of them even drank. She was grateful just to be out of the house. She got depressed too because she had no friends for a while, but she finally made a few from work and sometimes an old friend from when she'd lived in Illinois would come to Subway and she'd make plans with them. My daughter is very shy, which is partly why she got into drugs. She had to do a lot of pushing herself and it wasn't always easy. She would often call me crying about having no friends, and I was always there for her, listening. That was all I could do. Once she met her boyfriend, things improved a lot. She got a better job and her license back and her father gave her his car after he bought a new one. He lives in Illinois and he saw how hard she was trying. She has never gone back to drugland.

    Susan, if your son wants to quit using, you will see signs like you see in my daughter and from Missy's son. But, just like you can't make him quit, you can't help him quit if he ever tries. He has to grow up--I was told that our drug using kids have emotional growth stunting. My J. had to kind of go from age 12 to 20 AT age 20! She has really matured in the intervening years and is closer to her age level now. It's a work in progress. But it's the person himself or herself who needs to walk that journey. We can give emotional support and suggestions (not bossy :D). My daughter usually didn't take my advice, but sometimes she did! She never went to a rehab. I personally don't feel rehabs do squat unless you need to withdraw from drugs and are well ready for an extremely painful, difficult process. My daughter did all her withdrawing on her own--and she used meth.

    I hope your son takes this trip one day, but he will have to take it himself.
  17. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Let's redirect back to Missy on this thread.

    Susan- please start a new thread with your questions.

  18. missy44

    missy44 New Member

    Hi All,

    Well another good day, except for the fact that my nephew just called my difficult child. My nephew is probably the worst difficult child. He wants to get my son a full time job right now, my son doesn't need that right now, he needs part time and to continue with his "programme". My nephew tried to tell me (wrong thing to do) about what my son needs. Anyhow, I laid it on the line with him, told him to stay away for now unless he wants to be helpful. Tough love with the extended family. Geez, I'm really making friends. My son did tell my nephew, I'm growing up, I'm not doing that "shi# anymore, etc...

    He went to a golf tourney with his psyc today, he made five dollars (sad for a nineteen year old) but I don't care. He came home sunburned, with a smile on his face and asked me "mom, can you get me some herbal tea, the doctor said it's okay to have with my medications) he's having trouble getting to sleep even though he's exhausted.

    He's still eating like there's no tomorrow. He's following up on his job interview tomorrow and has a phone interview for another place.

    Today is great. I love checking in here everyday, what a supportive bunch you all are.

    Bye for now. Fingers crossed that I get through the next 24 hours.
  19. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    What a positive post to read! You're doing great :)
  20. missy44

    missy44 New Member

    hey all,

    my son got the job (part time at subway) and we're waiting to hear back about his college application and funding.

    he called me so excited about the job. It's part time so that he can still continue his therapy and going to the farm with his psyc.

    I'm hopeful, he's happy, meeting new friends, has a great girlfriend, isn't really speaking with his old "loser" friends. he picked up his drum set and is back jamming with his good old buddies.

    take care, i'll check in again soon.