Also, a thought from my friend's book - get duplicate bank statements, go through them carefully. husband & I keep our dockets when we use our credit cards, and check them off the bank statements. Same with cheques. It's a hassle, but it's good, sound housekeeping to make sure you never accidentally get overdrawn. Don't make a show of it - if anything, be discreet. If he finds you doing it, tell him you're turning over a new leaf when it comes to keeping your family finances sensibly organised (use those words - be very careful).
Also, check phone records. We can get our phone bills thoroughly itemised, so we know who called who, when, from where and for how long. If you can get your hands on his mobile phone (be VERY sure he doesn't find you doing this) then check his messages, write down his recent call details (outgoing and incoming) as well as all messages on file (outgoing and incoming). Check his phone directory as well. Then hide what you've recorded very, very thoroughly.
Say nothing about it, don't use it in any way to tell him what you know, just use it to help you make your own, better-informed, decisions.
My friend also had the chance to really search her husband's computer for 'nasty stuff'. I understand blokes so I don't consider a small amount of porn to be a problem, especially if there's humour with it in some way. But kiddie porn, or a large amount of really twisted stuff - a big worry. Especially if you have to dig deep to find it.
Check usage logs, set up net nanny type of spy ware (technically to keep the kids safe - you're trialling it so you can monitor the kids' usage). Tell him as little as possible, just set it up and have your innocent back story ready. And if he's not doing anything he shouldn't, why should he object? You shouldn't need to tell him, surely he has nothing to hide from his wife?
If you need to/want to, keep your own ongoing record on the computer, labelled with some boring, girlie title such as "kitchen stocktake". Or better yet, back it up to a memory stick. Or translate your file into Japanese characters when you save it, then convert it back only while you're writing in it.
I have a strong theory - he's treating you with such contempt, being so obvious as to stay out all night and then accuse you - I doubt he's bothering to try hard to cover tracks in other areas.
My sister's DEX had cheated on her for years, probably most of their marriage. He had warned her he wasn't the marrying kind, nor the faithful kind. She told him if she ever caught him cheating on her, he'd be out. But she never followed through with this - everyone in the town knew, people tried to tell her and she cut them off, she suspected it often, but he always talked her round and she had no real evidence, only her suspicions. Plus, she would never act on her suspicions and TRY to find out. Until the day she picked up the phone to make a call and heard him sweet-talking a girlfriend on the extension - she hadn't even realised he was home. He'd only come inside to get the cordless phone and was sitting in his car, parked down the road, to make this 'private' call. The really nasty thing that stung my sister - it was an expensive overseas call, and my sister was the one who paid the phone bill!
Marg
