I am afraid

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by susiestar, Dec 23, 2008.

  1. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    to leave my house.

    there. I said it.

    I figure if Meowbunny can be so brave, maybe this is the season I should also.

    It is so dang hard to leave here. The pain gets to me, it is hard to wash my hair, I can't shower every day,

    I am falling apart.

    EVERY shower or bath has new skin sores, and big patches of skin falling off. IT is not leprosy, though sometimes I feel that gross. and most of it is hidden under a dress right now.

    But I still feel afraid.

    I am on medications for anxiety and depression. I have been through all the SSRIs, tricyclics, and SNRIs. Prozac is the only thing that helps - and it eats my stomach. So I balance the prozac and the stomach medications.

    I just get so shaky. Once I am OUT I am usually fine, but it is really really scary.

    I'm sorry.
  2. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hugs. Lots of them.
  3. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    It's okay! You can tell us what you feel. What you fear. What you hope.

    We are here for you.

    More hugs!
  4. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Don't apologize.

    I know how hard it is when you feel so bad. I'm so sorry about the skin sores. It sounds painful. I don't have that, but I have acne. It started in my early to mid-twenties and with the steroids, it's gotten out of control. Not just my face, but my neck, down my arms, shoulders, all the way down my back, even on my breasts.

    It took me 4 hours to work up the courage to go out today. Once I did, I was ok and enjoyed myself. But, I'm so self-conscious. I just have to keep pushing it out. Every time I feel it, I make myself smile.

    But, I rarely go out alone. I have one of the kids or my mom with me. I do better going at night. I do most of my shopping online. The reason I need to go to the grocery store so bad is because I, myself, have not been in...I don't know how long. I send Devon with a list.

    I'm glad you felt safe to open up with us. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You're doing the right things.

  5. Jena

    Jena New Member


    That's right you can say just about anything to all of us and we're here listening. I think tha'Tourette's Syndrome one of the most amazing things I find is the unconditional support we receive here. I'Tourette's Syndrome sort of like a dog, ok excuse the bad analogy but you guys know what I mean. LOL :)

    Susie, you deserve a nice holiday, and i'Tourette's Syndrome been a hard year. You bring those books, your laptop, take time getting yourself ready slowly and you are right once you get out the door the shakiness will subside.

    Your a strong, insightful person, with whom brings alot to this board with your thoughts and insight and support. I'm so sorry your having a rough time, but I dont' want you to stay home again, take a deep breath, make a cup of warm tea and take it in baby steps today.

    Thinking of you today, (((Hugs)))
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    ((HUGS)) I just wanted to let you know I'm here- Pm if you want.. Sending many thoughts and well wishes and support.... Are the sores stress related? Are you sure they aren't a side effect of any medication?
  7. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I wish I could take the pain away. I do know just a tad of how you don't want to leave the house. I went many years dreading stepping out the door (no one knew) but I didn't have the physical pain that would make it super unbearable. Then once I was out, I was fine.

    difficult child was unable to go anywhere the fall of 2007. It was while we still had no clue of why he was deteriorating. I tried taking him out to get a lego set. Something just for him - a quick trip - and he could not handle it. Within five minutes from home, he was begging to come back. Such agony!

    If I had actual physical pain involved, I don't think I would have been able to function. You are facing a constant battle and that is wearing. Keep up the battle. Just remember that once you get going you are usually fine (that was the only thing that got me out the door - to remind myself that once I was in motion I was fine.)

  8. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    NEVER apologize for how you feel!!! Even though you're in so much pain, you're always offering support, advice and a strong shoulder to lean on... We're here for you too!!!

    I only wish there was something I could do to help you. Please know, that you are always in my thoughts and prayers... Hugs, WFEN
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I have been there.

    I was scared to death, and it didn't make a bit of difference that I knew there was no reason to be. It got so bad that eventually family members had to literally drag me out of the house. (not a pretty sight with me protesting the whole way)

    My anxiety was out of control. My brain stuck in fight or flight mode.

    Have you tried anxiety medications? I used them during the time I had to re-train my brain. It wasn't easy. One of the hardest things I've had to do. But I got thru it. And you can too, my friend. One baby step at a time.

  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Thank you all SO MUCH! It just means everything to have you understand. I feel so UGLY with the scars from the sores, and now I can feel them starting on my FACE. Until now they have been everywhere else. It is a tingly itchy feeling that grows until I end up with a nasty sore, even if I don't scratch. Of course scratching makes it worse.

    I keep my nails cut all the way off so I don't worsen things. But it is pretty horrific right now with the itching and all on my face.

    I will make it out, and will be OK once I am out.

    My doctor suggested this am that I take a xanax if I have any left. My mom has some, and I can take 1 of hers - now that doctor has OK'd it with my other medications. I just got off the phone with him. He is 70 years old and on call on Christmas Eve. He said it was his way of getting out from underfoot of his wife. This is my psychiatrist.

    Anyway, I will make it. I have to make some lists, then I can concentrate on THEM and not on what I am feeling. Ignoring it won't make it go away, but if I have a GOAL I do MUCH better.

    Thank you all. Merry Christmas to each and every one of you and your families, including your furbabies!
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Susie.....ignoring it is part of the process of re-training the brain. I'm glad the doctor said you could have xanax. It ought to help. Won't take it all away, but should make it managable enough that you can ignore it.

    The more you can make yourself go out the better.

    I had it with driving too. Although I never quite figured that one out. lol I mean, when I got hit by the truck I was walking, not driving.......(go figure) I couldn't ride anywhere with anyone without a dozen or more major panic attacks. Emabarrassing, but I had no control over them. psychiatrist told me never to go anywhere that I wasn't the one driving. I asked him if he was trying to get me killed?? lol He said that if I was as good a driver as he thought I was that I'd not allow myself to react to any panic while driving. Another way to re-train the brain.

    He was right. :)

    You hang in there. You'll get thru it. If you want someone to talk to, just drop me a PM.

  12. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Awww Susie. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this.
    Your psychiatrist sounds like a blessing and I'm very glad that you have him. AND that he's working on Christmas eve.

    Sending many hugs, and wishing you a Merry Christmas.

  13. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    I'm also glad your psychiatrist is working today!!! I'm glad you have things to do. I agree - Being busy definitely helps.

    Sending lots of hugs... WFEN
  14. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Susie, I've had periodic bouts of panic/anxiety as well. It's never any fun but it really stinks when it hits at this time of year.

    Gentle hugs,
  15. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{{Susie}}} Sending lots of healing hugs.

    Remember what Christopher Robin said to Pooh:

    "You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think".

    We believe in you~Hugs and Merry Christmas.
  16. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Well, I'm glad my whine helped you get your pain out (you didn't whine, I did rolf). Agoraphobia stinks. My mother has it. She only leaves the house to see the doctor. She's been this way since I was 10 years old. She cannot use a landline if it goes over or under water. For some strange reason, she's fine with a cell phone. Guess going through the air is okay. She cannot eat in front of anyone and only a very limited type of food.

    Sadly, when she first started getting it, there weren't any medications to help and, as time went by, it got worse and worse. I feel for my mother. She was a very outgoing person and still loves to have company. The problem is she can't make any new friends because she can't go out to meet them and her friends are dying. It really is a sad way to live.

    It really is a shame we put so much on appearance but I do understand your not wanting to be seen with skin peeling away. That has to be extremely uncomfortable both physically and emotionally. As you said, you can hide most of them. Is there a makeup you can wear to hide those on your face? One thing I do know is that you are much more aware of your flaws than others are. As I've mentioned previously, I have a friend who is a paraplegic. She was in a car accident that also scarred her pretty badly. As time has progressed, the scars have become less visible. Of course, she still sees them as raw and red. She does use makeup to hide them (a bit too heavy for what is left but those of us who love her understand). She has, on occasion, gone out with no makeup. No one notices her face. Of course, they do notice her chair but the gracious people treat her as if she is walking and the idiots are afraid to talk to her. Guess wheelchairs are contagious! Anyway, the point is that the odds are your skin is much more apparent to you than it is to the rest of the world. The good people in this world (and there truly are many) will see beyond any markings and see the beautiful person you truly are.

    I'm glad you're forcing yourself to go out. It really is a matter of retraining your brain. Not easy, but certainly doable, especially for a remarkable woman like you. Your psychiatrist sounds like an absolute gem. Want to share him?

    In the meantime, many hugs. I hope you get through this and go Xanax go!
  17. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    So many hugs!!:(
    I know how debilitating depression and anxiety can be. It is a horrible, helpless, scary feeling.
    Lately, I have been feeling it in an almost incapacitating way as well. I can barely function.
    You are not alone.
    Lean on us, whenever you need us.
  18. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I think you need to come to my house -

    I am so sorry you aren't feeling well and have such anxiety. I think despite how you look on the outside or how you think you look? You should know that you have one of the most beautiful hearts I've ever seen. If I were blind - I'd only be able to go on what I "hear" from you and it's just lovely.

    Merry Christmas friend.