I am just tired. What do I do?

[Mixed up Mom]

It sure is tough, especially at the holidays. As I have posted before, I have one older homeless son in his forties, who wants me to help him constantly, I have another younger, married son in his early thirties, who hardly talks to me at all. I don't get it. I guess I just spoiled them too much. My homeless son now tells me he can get a place, if I help him get in the paperwork. He is on disability for mental problems. He has recently completed a drug program again. I have been through this many times. I've helped him get places and soon he will get kicked out for tearing things up, fighting, drugs, etc. etc. I am just worn out. I am 65 years old and on social security myself. I do help him out with food and warm clothing sometimes. I just don't have any more to give. I'm worn out. He expects my help. I hate this for all of us on this site. How much do I keep on doing?

 

[Copabanana]

He expects my help. I hate this for all of us on this site. How much do I keep on doing?

I don't know the answer even for myself. i think what you describe is what any loving mother would want to do or try to do. the thing is we're human. we get weary of it, the chronicity of it. i think the crux is in ourselves. self-compassion. giving ourselves a break. honoring ourselves for what we do. finding support, some joy even. recognizing that we don't have to suffer. even if our sons and daughters do.

 

[Blighty]

You sound really tired about it all, a real drain on you. I hope you find your peace. In the end , we decide how much or how little we do, but if they can do it themselves I believe we should stand back and let them grow through dealing with challenges.

So I am wondering if he is able to do the forms on his own if he had to ?
Is there an agency or someone else who can help him with the forms ? Would it be possible to encourage him to think about other sources of help; it would take the stress off you in the longer term and also widen his network of support and develop the way he does things.

 

[Mixed up Mom]

You sound really tired about it all, a real drain on you. I hope you find your peace. In the end , we decide how much or how little we do, but if they can do it themselves I believe we should stand back and let them grow through dealing with challenges.

So I am wondering if he is able to do the forms on his own if he had to ?
Is there an agency or someone else who can help him with the forms ? Would it be possible to encourage him to think about other sources of help; it would take the stress off you in the longer term and also widen his network of support and develop the way he does things.

Thank you. You are right. I really need to let him stand on his own two feet for a change. He is 45 years old. I've asked him if his social worker at the drug rehab could help him. She really knows what they are looking for with the documentation more than I do.

 

[Nomad]

His expecting your help is something I’ve picked up over here in our situation. As well as the extreme burn out. At some point, we realized we just couldn’t keep it up. It was profoundly damaging to us and not truly helping our adult child. We provide some very minimum help for humanitarian reasons. Nothing else. And certainly not open to doing things for her she can do herself. And absolutely do not tolerate abuse in any way, shape or form. It’s a growth process. One that must take place. Best wishes and know your feelings are normal and healthy.

 

[Ascending]

Thank you. You are right. I really need to let him stand on his own two feet for a change. He is 45 years old. I've asked him if his social worker at the drug rehab could help him. She really knows what they are looking for with the documentation more than I do.

Sounds like a good approach!

 

[JMom]

Mixed Up,

I think you gave him good advice to ask his agency for help. When you asked"how long we you keep this up," that's up to you. We all know when we're done. They will not have usone day, so the sooner they learn to seek out resources the better. As long as they know others are wiling to help. Someone is always willing, I think.