I am seriously about to explode

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by flutterby, Dec 22, 2009.

  1. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I'm trying to keep it bottled in...but every day I'm more angry and resentful than the last.

    I had a b session with the therapist today. It helped some, but as soon as I left I kept mulling over everything and I'm right back where I was when I went in.

    I am tired of being treated like dirt. I am tired of an 18 year old thinking she can tell me how to parent - if not directly, then with snarky comments. I am tired of difficult child asking me to buy her stuff, then turning around and telling everyone how horrible I am. I am tired of difficult child telling everyone she does *everything* when she does *nothing*. Seriously, she tells therapist that she is worked to death. I am tired of easy child playing video games all day long. I am tired of having to ask him to do something 5 or 6 times before it is done, half-butt, and then him complaining when I ask him to finish the job. And I am tired of his other half acting like he does everything and we should kiss the ground he walks on.

    I am seriously tired of my kids. All of them. Even the ones that aren't mine. easy child's DF brought her nieces over for about 4 hours last week. They are 6 and 4, have no discipline at home, I feel like garbage, I didn't know they were coming, they were loud and I wasn't in the mood. And I normally love the little ones.

    I'm sick of it. I have zero time to myself. None. Ever. There is always someone here. Oh...except for a couple of weeks ago, I got 6 hours to myself. Woo.

    I'm finding myself doing stuff that I hate - passive aggressive stuff. I can't stand it when people do that and I've always been known for being direct. But, we'll have a discussion, things will be better for a couple of weeks then it's right back where it started and I am just angry.

    The last thing from easy child's DF is about easy child running errands. Well, you know what, he lives here, he eats food that I buy, uses utilities that I pay for...it's not going to kill him. But, I am not having that thrown in my face one more damn time.

    So, I told easy child that he needed to park at the street so that I wasn't blocked in. Guess what? This morning they were both blocking me in. I was ready to go the store at 7am, but I waited til 9am, woke easy child and told him he had to move the cars. It had been snowing, too, so he had to scrape them off first. He didn't look happy. I didn't - and don't - care. In fact, I got a little enjoyment out of it. How sad is that? That's how seriously ticked off I am. He said he can't park at the street (it's not on the street) when there's snow. NOT MY PROBLEM! I told him not to block me in.

    If I'm doing everything, I'm doing it on MY schedule. Not theirs. When I sleep during the day, he can't manage to keep the noise down and says that people shouldn't be sleeping then so he shouldn't have to. I don't expect him to whisper. Just not be so loud.

    So be it. I'm doing it on my schedule. And if they don't like it, NOT MY PROBLEM!

    I'm really trying hard not to blow, but I tell ya, it's not going to take much to set me off. And once that happens...it'll be big.

    Bah Humbug.
  2. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Ok, Heather....A. Don't explode. Its really messy and you'll get goo on the curtains that's really hard to get out.

    Other than that, why not pop the top on that bottle and let the contents flow free? Sounds like some of these kiddos need a can of whoop-donkey opened on them...wait til 9 to wake his sleeping hiney? I don't think so, Tim. If I recall, he's living there, he doesn't pay to, he can contribute. If its not money, it can be with help, errands, whatever. Heck, just plain old respect goes a long ways sometimes.

  3. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Heather... Me too.

    Shari's right about the curtains... But you know what? It's YOUR HOUSE.

    If they cannot respect you? They don't deserve anything. He wakes you? Don't wait till 9. Wake him.

    ...HUGS and lots of 'em.
  4. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I say let'r rip!!!! They need a dose of reality!
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think its time for some people who want to play at being adults to go do it in their own place. Especially since they want to tell you how to run your life and dont want to help you. It would give them the incentive to get up and not play video games.
  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Have you considered just going on strike? When someone fusses at you, put your hands over your ears and sing, "I'm not here! La la la la!" Operate on whatever schedule is comfortable and convenient for you.

    Many hugs and lots of extra strength.
  7. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I just kinda mini-exploded. Nowhere near as big as what I feel inside.

    And easy child slammed his door, so I followed him and told him all of the things I'm sick of.

    And he said that they're just not going to live here anymore and to get out of his room. I just raised my eyebrows and asked him where he was going to go. He said he didn't know, they'd figure it out.

    I said ok.

    They have no money and he doesn't have a job. They'll probably end up at my mom's. Fine with me.

    And the other one? I'm seriously thinking about returning the laptop and getting her a couple of small things. Ungrateful kids don't deserve so much.
  8. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Good for you!!!!

    You do not OWE these kids anything....in fact, it's the other way around. And I hope you make them stick to their statement about not living there any more....don't let them guilt you into anything.

    2010 is a new year--resolve to stand up for yourself.


  9. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    When they come crawling back "home", I'd have a contract ready if you're interested in letting them back in.
  10. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Well, actually....

    I just talked to easy child and asked him if they were moving out. He said he didn't know because they couldn't afford it. I know they don't want to go to my mom's because she's 45 minutes away and their work (if easy child gets the job it looks like he's getting, too) and DF's school are up here.

    I told him that they don't have to move out, but that things HAVE to change. I told him that I will not be told how to parent by an 18 year old kid who has never raised a child, let alone a child with issues like difficult child. And, yes, I have addressed this before. I told him that I appreciate the things they do around the house, but that I'm not going to have it thrown in my face. And I told him that difficult child resents the hell out of them just as much as they resent her. easy child said he doesn't resent her. I told him that DF does, and that I'm not playing referee any more between an adult teenager and a teenage teenager. I get it from both sides, and I'm not having it. Besides, DF moved into difficult child's home. She doesn't get to change the rules.

    He said he doesn't mind running errands, it's just when he goes out 3 times a day. I apologized for that, but my brain just really doesn't work. I honestly didn't know what day it was this morning. It took me 15 minutes to remember that the computer could tell me. I forgot to pay the water bill and I'm lucky that I didn't get shut off yesterday. He said he understands that and he doesn't really have a problem with it. I told him I'm tired of having it thrown in my face. He said he doesn't. I told him DF does.

    He asked what set this off and I told him about the incident Sunday where DF threw a little temper tantrum; and that I bite my tongue and it just makes me resentful as hell. I told him that I care about her, but that I really am having a hard time being around her. I was seriously considering returning *everyone's* Christmas gifts this year. I've never done that. (I did take the GPS back, by the way.) I bought DF's gift today - a gift card to a day spa - and while I was buying it I was wondering why I was doing it. I told easy child that I'm not going to live like that....that they can stay here, but there has to be boundaries.

    He said he understood and that he would talk to DF.

    We'll see. I at least feel better getting it out. The p/a thing just isn't me. I have to address issues or I just work on a slow boil until it explodes.
  11. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Heather, I'm glad you talked it over with easy child and that you feel better. I agree that clearing the air is WAY better than letting it fester, even if you need to clear the air by way of an ear-splitting yelling festival.

    With regard to DF, I think she needs to be on waivers. She needs to keep in mind that she's a guest in YOUR home which as you pointed out is also difficult child's home. If she's not happy with the way things are done in YOUR home, she can go and make her own rules somewhere else.

    I hope they straighten themselves out and take the pressure off you.

    In the meantime, sending hugs, patience, and a big stick for the times when hugs and patience don't work and you need to whack something.

  12. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    You know...I started a new medication today. Well, it's not actually a medication, it's called a medical food...Deplin. It's methylfolate. I'm wondering if that could be contributing to my anger/frustration. I'll have to keep an eye on that.

    But, it's not like I didn't have a reason to be angry, either.
  13. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Worth watching, but you are right - you had every right to be angry.

    Not to hijack your post, but I think its relevent (if not, feel free to smack me), wee difficult child struggles to hold it together this time of year. Last week, easy child 1 came home while wee was at the house with the sitter. Wee got mad at the sitter, easy child 1 got involved, and wee, in a mini-rage, told him he wished he was dead. It really hurt easy child 1 (understandably).

    He told his girlfriend, who, FIVE HOURS LATER came in the house, looked at wee difficult child who was excited to see her and said "You aren't very nice and I'm not going to talk to you."

    Uh, ok. We is 7. Emotionally, he's 5, at best. It was HOURS after the fact, not to mention, she was no where around when the incident happened. Yeah, he's gonna get that.

    We had to have "the talk" again, too.
  14. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    It's totally relevant, Shari. I understand that DF is in love with easy child and wants to come to his defense. But, you can't walk into someone else's home, not understanding or even trying to understand the family dynamics and start that stuff. And difficult child may be chronologically 14, but she is nowhere near it emotionally. I've reminded them of that. I've also reminded them of how easy child was at 14 and reminded him that he really doesn't have room to talk on some of the specific things that DF has mentioned (one being difficult child's room which is 1) a battle I gave up a long time ago, I don't have to live in it so I really don't care and 2) not her place) and DF responded, "Well, I do."


    I can hear them talking and I heard easy child say to DF, "So you want to leave because you can't have it your way???"

    So, we'll see.

    Geez...saying that to a 7 year old? I don't think I would have been talking, so much as yelling. Not cool.
  15. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Wow. I hope DF isn't that shallow.

    And don't you worry, had wee not been standing right there, there wouldn't have been any "talking" going on. It would have been that can of whoop-donkey I referenced earlier.
  16. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Apparently, DF wants to leave because there "is no cooperation and she doesn't feel like she can express her opinion."

    I told easy child that she seems to have no trouble expressing her opinion. He said he knew that and told her that.

    Part of being an adult is realizing that just because you have an opinion doesn't mean that anyone else wants or needs to hear it.

    So, she doesn't think there is a solution. The last time I had a talk with just her, it was the same thing. I care about her, but I'm really not liking her right now.
  17. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Oh my. I'm sorry.

    You still did the right thing. To have to tiptoe around an 18 year old and her precious opinion in your own house is bullarky. Hope they figure it out soon.
  18. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Believe me...I KNOW how irritating this is. been there done that and have several tee shirts to prove it.
  19. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    I get the sense that DF is confusing "expressing an opinion" with "getting her way".

    Honestly, if she's not mature enough to accept that your house = your rules, AND that it's often best to keep your opinions to yourself unless someone explicitly asks for them, then perhaps she does need to leave.
  20. TPaul

    TPaul Idecor8

    Wow a day I can really take the time to post, :)

    Heather, I understand how you feel!! And you have every right to feel the way you do! IT IS YOUR HOME! Set down the guidelines and rules and they have the choice to follow them, or not be allowed to be there.

    It does not mean that you do not love them, just that they are at an age that the dynamics of the home change. No longer are they a child who should be supported and raised, provided for. Now they are adults who need to step up to the plate and begin living life as an adult. They need to take the step or leap out of the nest. Just like a fledgling needs a nudge out of the nest a grown child needs nudged out on thier own.

    He will feel better about himself as the man of his own home, and the provider for thier relationship. He may not see that right now, with things being easier being in your home. Down the line he will see it and be thankful that you nudged him.

    I do not know your finacial situation, but since you are providing everything for them to live in your home, and I am guessing buying most of the things they need and use, here is an idea. You might suggest a subsidy to them for a set period of time. Once they are out of the house, you will give them X number of dollars to help them for X amount of time. After that time, then the dollars stop and they are on thier own. It help give them the nudge, if you can swing it, and give you quicker peace, :)

    Gentle and soothing thoughts your way