I am so angry

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Jena, Nov 6, 2008.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    I am so ugh I cant' curse in here I cant' find the right words...........frustrated??

    As many of you know, boyfriend's oldest daughter likes to let's just say take things from time to time. Ok she steals, there i said it!!

    So, we've had missing perfume, earrings, flip flops, etc. little items that she doens't think anyone will notice. Yet I notice EVERYTHING!!!

    Than last week boyfriend's $700 from briefcase for rest. was missing suddenly. Ok we never came to conclusion who did that. They checked her room at home and her stuff nothing was found. I don't think she'd take that amt. yet who knows.

    Ok so I'm going to buy a lock for our bedroom door this weekend. Yet we drop his daughter off at our place and than we go pick up 3 little one's at school together. So, she's alone for at least a half hour here.

    So, boyfriend buys me candy Cadbury bars........LOL their my thing. He'll pick up 2 or 3 at a time I stash them in my closet and their always there. It makes me happy. As many of you know in a house with kids, nothing is ever truly Yours in the refrigerator. so, lately we have gotten into the habit of hiding food in our room. Pyscho I know, yet we do movie night him and I and we have no snacks because kids eat everything. This makes us very sad. So, we stash sun chips, candy, etc.

    I go in my closet last night and I can tell stuff has been moved. Now granted my closet isn't the neatest. I'm great with everything else yet my stuff is almost always a mess. :)

    Guess what's missing yup my choc. bars!! I can't even tell you how enraged i became over a choc. bar. Like totally pyscho! I went to my easy child and said did you take my choc bar and go into our bedroom and our closet?? She said no i totally beleive her. She'd anti up right away.

    So, it was his daughter yet again. She took herself into OUR bedroom, into our closet where my personal stuff is and put her paws on my stuff and had the nerve to take it.

    I'm glad i wont' see them till Monday because by then i'll calm down. I am so so done with her stealing. I truly am. I love her i will not lie. Yet I'm freaking out. I called boyfriend this morning on his way to work and i said ok i'm done with her stealing our stuff. i really am. I said this time around i want to sit with you when you speak to her. Obviously he's not bringing message home that she is to respect ppl's stuff and it is stealing what she is doing.

    I'm very very mad at her. I have to keep my self in check a little though this is his daughter. he's pretty good doesn't get protective over her because he knows i'm totally right.

    ok sorry long i'm just totally fuming right now. I want to be a child go to her house and take stuff out of her bedroom and see how she likes it. See how immature i can be??
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Believe it or not, this is not a childish thing, and yes, I've indeed done it several times. It was the only way to make Travis see how his taking other people's things infuriates them. He still doesn't get that it's stealing....he doesn't get the personal boundaries thing especially within family.

    Now he also has to replace anything he takes. That has had a huge impact. And it helps, cuz as I said.....he just doesn't really get the concept. So it gives him a conscequence everyone can live with.

    Growing up there was very little off limits to us in our home. My Mom's room, her purse, and anything she claimed as hers (such as soda, candy, ect). We never dared overstep that boundary. She'd have skinned us alive literally.

    Hope boyfriend will cooperate to get this situation under control.

  3. Jena

    Jena New Member


    Thanks for sharing what you did and your experience. I know it sounds silly yet that candy bar triggered me something awful.

    I believe he will,he always does. He is very good like that. Yet now I think he is truly seeing what a problem this is becoming.

    Id love to do that, yet she lives with her mom 5 days a week, we only have them 2. We do our best for her, she's a vegetarian and we cook special meals, etc. it just makes me crazy we do so much yet she still steals.

  4. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    I had a hard time with it when difficult child's did that same thing here. Nothing was sacred or special. Ugh. Good luck with this. It can be a hard battle. I still remember the chocolate creme pie they ate (One I had specially bought from a place no longer around). I freaked. It does feel like your being harsh after it happens but we as adults are allowed to have a few things of our own.

  5. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Jen, this is a tough nut to crack.

    You're not over reacting. Honestly, whether it is "just" a chocolate bar, or whether it's something with significant monetary value, stealing is stealing and it's wrong.

    It crosses so many lines. Broken trust, lack of respect, no boundaries, anger that something you were saving for a specific use has been snatched away, inconvenience of replacing stolen goods or getting them back in damaged condition...

    My difficult child had huge issues with this, to the point where we had to lock down the whole house.

    Natural consequences (replace what you stole, having to back up your words with verifiable proof, really tight rein because of lost trust) seem to work best with this.

    Sorry you're having to deal with this, and hope that boyfriend conveys the seriousness of it in his talk.

  6. 'Chelle

    'Chelle Active Member

    It's not the dollar value of the chocolate bar that is causing the anger. I think it's that fact that she invaded your personal space, violated the trust you placed in her leaving her alone in your place by snooping through your things, and then taking something that had a personal value to you beyond what it cost. It was a small thing given to you by your boyfriend that shows his love and caring for you. He thinks enough of you to know what you like and to actually bring some home for you. I bet you get even greater enjoyment when you have one just knowing he was thoughtful enough to bring them home specifically for you. To her it was probably just a candy worth less than a buck that you wouldn't miss, but to you it had personal significance and meaning. I have many little things/trinkets that aren't worth much, but were given to me by someone and mean something to me, breaks my heart when something happens to them. Even just a drawing done by a niece when she was 6 (very artistic girl) specifically for me.

    I agree it's not childish to take something of hers in return. I think it is time to confront her with this, try get across to her how wrong it is, even from family it's stealing, and make her pay for things she takes. Even if the only way is to take something of hers, she needs to give payment for what she takes. My difficult child used to bug easy child by threatening to take/break things of hers, and I just told him that whatever he took, she would be allowed to go in his room and take ANYTHING she wanted in compensation. I think at that time he was threatening to pop a balloon she got somewhere (I think just to make her scream and yell), but I was fed up with the behavior. He said "but it's JUST a balloon" and I told him it doesn't matter, it's something that means a lot to her, and you'll have to give up whatever she wants to pay for it. Stopped most of that kind of thing right away.
  7. Jena

    Jena New Member

    thanks. I agree it's not a monetary thing even though $700 went missing last week it's a respect thing. I totally think she is acting out. I totaly think the kid needs therapy. She has no control over her life right now so these little things she does is her way of getting back i think.

    Quite honestly she is very good with me, we have alot of talks and i have truly grown to love her. Yet I just cannot tolerate this. I have to admit though when it first started to happen it wans't handled how I would of handled it. Yet now I think he firmly understands that we need to bare down with her and truly teach her respect. Her also seeing our door with-lock on it will be a wake up call for her.

    I've calmed down somewhat, yet it's hard. It's not the first time. It's just always something lol. I get one under control somewhat and the other 2 kick up it's just the way it seems to go!!!
  8. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Sorry no advice, but we have been watching N our 4 yo. She has been developing this *sneaky* aspect to her personality. Hiding things and taking things from K's room.
    She took all of the money out of Papa's wallet and hid in under his bed. We would have never found it, except I do not trust her, I am the only one. If you looked at her pictures... she is SOOO innocent looking. "She would never do that"
    Well she did and she does.She takes things and hides things. I don;t thinks she is doing it in a *bad* way (yet) I feel for N it is a form of her feeling like she has control over anything.
    She is kind of a hoarder and very weird about what she takes. It could be one of K's trinkets on her dresser. I will find it wrapped up on N's table, she will say she wanted to sleep with it next to her for the night.
    I am trying to teach her about personal space, what is mine and what is yours etc...
    It is a very hard topic to get a child like ours to grasp, respect and understand.
    Especially without getting ******!
    I like the idea of having her give back, or buying you another candy bar.
  9. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Sorry you're dealing with this Jennifer. I've been there done that and have the t-shirt. Although......I'm not exactly sure where it is because it's buried in my room somewhere under all the **** we keep in there to keep it safe. We actually had to graduate to a deadbolt because difficult child broke in twice when it was just a key lock door knob. You might want to save yourself the trouble and go straight for that. Also, keep it locked ALL THE TIME. Even if you're just in the shower, outside, in another room...etc.

    We have everything from food to wall hangings to a couple of windchimes that I KNOW difficult child would take apart to use the beads for something stupid. He feels that anything in the house is fair game and I don't let him step one foot in our room even when we are in there. If he gets to where he can look around you can see him taking a mental inventory and I don't trust him at all. Actually....I came home one day to find our window AC unit all cockeyed in our bedroom window and our door was unlocked. He had some unbelievable story so I wound up cutting a piece of wood to put above the lower window pane to keep it from being pushed up even more. Should have done that to begin with, and not just because of difficult child, but I never thought of it.

    When you do this, I wouldn't even mention that you did it or make a big deal out of it. If anyone gets offended or defensive, simply say (without accusing anyone) that things have been coming up missing and you are taking precautions to protect your things and your privacy. Leave it at that and walk away.

    I've been doing this for years and I hate it so I know how much it hoovers to have to do it. Hugs.
  10. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I think I'm with Lisa - and then some. Next time she's over, I would have to get into her purse or coat pocket or whatever it is she stashes stuff in and take something. Then when she has a fit I'd play the "I didn't think it would be that big of a deal if I just took your stuff" card. I'd let her go at it for a while, then I'd explain that if she ever stole anything of mine again she will not be welcome in my home ever again. He dad can figure it out that he won't be welcome with an out of control child, either so he had better get her under control. Her other choice being the more obvious, which is that next time I just slap her into next week, which many people wouldn't see as wrong under the circumstances. Unlike the idea that everyone - even her - agrees that stealing is wrong. Of course, I would never say it if I didn't think I could put the fear into her.
  11. Jena

    Jena New Member

    T- Hi, that must drive K up the wall. My easy child was like that younger, suddenly she became slightly deceptive, hiding stuff, pop-pop's wallet, etc.

    She'll learn in time, I'm sure you will teach her. N is so young also it's good to start now. Wish I had tips to give you. I think i'm liking witz suggestions lol....... go read it!!

    hey, how are you feeling you still ill??

    Mustang - Wow!!!! You def. do have the t-shirt. I laughed out loud when you said it's under all the Cr** in your room :) Too funny, sorry. So, broke in huh..?? I"m liking your idea about not saying a word just having lock on the door. So, let me ask you do you think we should just lock both bedroom doors and say nothing to her?? Obviously the talks aren't helping. Can you tell i'm very non confrontational?? LOL. Seriously though, what do you think??

    Witz - let me tell you there have been days that i wanted to slap that girl silly. I could just invision it, I would invision it in my mind. Like that show Ally McBeal remember that?? OOh there were days there certainly were. This morning was one of them i was fuming up till 1 this afternoon.
    Last edited: Nov 6, 2008
  12. Jena

    Jena New Member

    T - I had to correct what i wrote to you lol. I couldn't edit anymore....i used up all my chances my posts have been alot better though i think. Easier to read. Ok anyway when I said i like witz idea go read her post i didn't mean for you with N!! I meant for my situation with sticky fingers. I know you problem knew that but wanted to explain :)
  13. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Personally, I would. The only way she's going to know that the door is locked is if she tries to get in. And if she doesn't but still sees the locks, the response is still the same. "Things have been coming up missing.....blah blah blah" Just make sure that you and the ostrich ....erm....sorry....boyfriend are on the same page with keeping the door locked all the time. If you do it even when she's not there you will accomplish two things. First, you will get in the habit and be less likely to forget. Second, you can prevent any other temptations by other people during the rest of the time.....just in case.

    Something to keep in mind though....if you put a lock on your daughter's room, she's going to have to be responsible enough to keep it locked and not leave the key lying around or else you'll be running to unlock her door for her all the time when she wants something. Another thing....this could cause an issue with "well why doesn't MY door have a lock?" Maybe you could put one on all bedroom doors but keep the extra keys with you or in your room. This way at least there is the appearance of being fair but you still have control by having the extra key. You could do the key lock door knobs on the kid's room (cheaper) and deadbolt your door. Whichever works best for you. You know the situation best though....I was just throwing some ideas out there.
  14. Jena

    Jena New Member

    I'm liking that that means kinda telling her yet not having to sit down and actually have the "talk". Cause clearly they are not working!!!

    I'm going to talk to him about that idea tongiht when he comes home. Only problem i think i may have it difficult child and easy child's room they share. His easy child has stolen from them also hairclips, perfume, make up, clothes, etc. from time to time. So, they'd as you said have to go in lock down also.

    Than like you said simple explanation things keep going missing so we are locking down now.

    totally great idea!!! thanks!
  15. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry this is happening. When boyfriend (ostrich) talks to her he needs to use words like STEALING, not just missing or gone. It is time to call a spade a spade.

    I totally understand about all the stuff in your room. I have to keep all sorts of stuff in our room to keep the kids from messing with it.

    Be prepared for her to go to her mom and tell her how awful you are for locking things up. Ignore the conflama, but be prepared for it.