I can see why they're butting heads

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by TerryJ2, Dec 18, 2009.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    difficult child got another demerit.
    Yesterday, difficult child forgot his lunch. He called and I told him to buy one or something, and I'd pay the person back. His math and science teacher, Mrs. R, (the difficult one) arranged for a salad to be made for him. She told him (and I had him repeat it to me twice), "Go to the cafeteria. They'll have a salad waiting for you. X will be your escort.")
    X is a kid the same age or a bit older. They walk to the cafeteria. X's job is done. He takes off for the playground.
    difficult child stands there by himself, sees 4 women working at the window, doesn't know which one is Mrs. A, is afraid to approach them, doesn't see a salad anywhere, gets anxious, and takes off the for playground.
    Mrs. R is livid. She writes him up.
    I had to sign the note, so I explained to difficult child why she was offended. I'm not sure he got it--all he was interested in was his point of view. I explained to him the he needed to go up to the window and talk to one of the women. He could have asked for Mrs. A and they would have found her.
    I can see Mrs. R's point of view. difficult child has done that to me b4--demanded a certain meal b4 he starves to death, and then, upon seeing it isn't exactly what he envisioned, turns it down. And I am livid.
    Now I know better. I know his food items can't be touching one another. I know I have to sit at the table with-him, even if I'm not eating. I know he likes to watch TV when he's eating, if TV is available. I know that if I make a big deal out of it all, like I used to, he won't eat anything at all. There's a learning curve.
    Mrs. R will never learn it.
    I hope to doG difficult child does some day.
  2. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Eeyore is the same way. It has to be EXACTLY as he pictures it or it is wrong. It is frustrating. We are starting more frequent therapy in the hopes of teaching him to roll with life but I have little hope.
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    How frustrating for everyone concerned. I realize what he did was annoying, but does this teacher have ANYTHING else to do besides engage difficult child in power struggles? To eat or not eat, well, it ultimately is one of the very few things a kid can control. I have a tough time seeing it as a battle a teacher would want to pick. But I guess she did.
  4. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    That's too bad it turned out that way, but what frosts me is these teachers who KNOW a kid has issues, yet they take EVERYTHING like it's a deliberate, premediated slight against them personally!!! What does a demerit teach your difficult child? Uh, probably not a whole lot. What he needs to learn is how to approach strangers and advocate for himself. I think it would have been better to have someone take him back to the cafeteria under similar circumstances and supervise him while he reattempts to make contact with one of the adults in the kitchen to get something he needs. And maybe repay out of his own money whomever provided for the salad that he never ate.

    These kids don't do this stuff on purpose to tick people off. They do it because they don't understand WHY they need to do it the way they're instructed, and they DON'T have the ability to predict the consequences of their actions. That comes from lots of experience and practice (like role playing). And even then, there's no guarantee they'll ever truly "get" it, but at least they'll be well-trained!

    Okay off my soapbox...
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    What he needs to learn is how to approach strangers and advocate for himself.

    I agree.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Has anyone done a Functional Behavioral Analysis (FBA) for him? If I am correct this is a way to measure his overall coping skills to see where he is and where he should be or needs to be. It also provides some supports and directions for helping those supports to be sueful.

    I probably have that all wrong, but once you are in a public school, if you go that route, this is something else to ask for. Check in Sp Ed 101 and ask them about it.

    It seems to be that he just cannot figure the steps out to cope with things. The FBA might help with that.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Terry, I agree with the FBA, but also feel that he will (with interventions) learn to ask. I know it seems kind of silly that he wouldn't, but he has Aspergers and THEY ARE STRANGE :tongue:. Lucas will finally ask for what he needs, but your son is younger and may not be there yet. Yes, yes, I know...99.9% of all kids would ask, but Aspergers is a huge social deficit. That's what makes our kids so challenging. On top of that, many can be extremely shy at one time, and overly obnoxiously and inappropriately in-your-face at other times.

    He is learning the natural consequences, which is if he doesn't ask, he doesn't eat, but that may not be enough for him. Also, maybe he forgot the instructions of what to do when he got to the cafeteria. yes, yes, yes, I know. HOW COULD HE??? Maybe he didn't. But one thing I've learned about Aspies is they are sweet, naive kids who often need to be taught the simplest things, which is contradicted by their academic intelligence.

    Terry, I hope next time your son does ask. I used to have to call the school to make sure somebody was with Lucas to tell him what to do, even the smallest things. But those days are over for us. He learned and is comfortable in his school environment. Remember that Asperger's kids are developmentally younger than other kids and see if he does better next time. And get that functional behavioral assessment. It is VERY important and tells you how your child functions in the real world (outside of academics). Terry, you're a great mom and doing the best you can and he will reach his full potential under your guidance. The teachers could use a little training in Aspergers! ((((Hugs))))
  8. whatamess

    whatamess New Member

    It is too bad when you realize that the teacher won't ever get it. We've had our share of those. They are so inflexible and so certain the way they are doing things is the right way. Frustrating!
  9. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    I'm sorry about this. Some people just don't get it; that includes teachers. I work with a couple and they just don't seem to get that some kids may LOOK like a typical kid, their brains don't function like a typical kid; they need support doing regular things like getting and eating their lunch.

    I'm already making a plan for Son to move on to high school. I'm very nervous of course, he's so small compared to other kids. We're going to tour the campus and meet all of the counselors, lunch people, and administrators. Of course, Son will make friends with the custodians and other support staff himself. He has to be shown where everything is and the best way to get there BEFORE he actually attends the school.
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you all.
    I don't think he's had a functional behavior analysis. We are seeing both his child psychologist and his psychiatrist tomorrow so I will ask both of them for recommendations.
  11. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    If I'mnot mistaken, the FBA is done by the school. Maybe I'm wrong about that.

    How frustrating...I'm sorry.
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Wouldn't surprise me.