I can't do this anymore

[biracialkids]

I'm at my wits end, I can't take this anymore. Children Mental Health will NOT return a phone call, my doctor doesn't believe me there is anything wrong with my son and yet I spend everyday in a battle with him. He's constantly screaming at me, crying, throwing things at me, telling me he hates me, threatening to break things in the house, etc etc. I can't do it anymore! He's completely exhausting me. I have the book everyone suggested, The Explosive Child, and YES that is my son, especially the story about "Helen". I can't seem to get any help, my landlady is threatening to kick us out because of his behaviour, we had a family dinner for his birthday yesterday and I was so embarrassed, he was screaming and telling everyone he hated them and would not say thank you for anything, I just wanted to curl up and die. My family thinks he's horrible and that I'm not parenting him, I'm doing the best I can as a single parent working 2 jobs and trying to raise 3 kids.

My other 2 have difficulties of their own that I have to deal with but he is so intense and extreme I can't take anymore.

:confused:

 

[Coookie]

Oh Sweetie,

I have no words of wisdom but am sending you some gentle hugs. :frown: Many of us have run into roadblocks when it came to getting help for our difficult children...(hearing that our parenting skills are lacking) :hammer:..it is then that we have to share our armor with each other :warrior: and fight. I will share mine with you. :grin:

Make sure you take care of yourself...do something nice for you. You need to keep your strength and spirits up.

Hugs

 

[tiredmommy]

The only advice I have at this point is to videotape or record his behaviors and keep a log. I know that's more on your plate, but some docs need some additional convincing there is a problem. I'm sorry it's so difficult for you, most of us have found the holidays make our children's behaviors worse.

 

[SRL]

I agree with TM that the way to go is to videotape the child without them knowing the camera is running. Then schedule an appointment with your doctor. If they resist giving you an appointment then tell them that you are on the verge of a family crisis because of this child's behavior, that you are concerned for the safety of your other children, etc. If the doctor doesn't listen to your concerns then it's time to take steps to find someone else (sorry I don't know exactly how your system works in Canada). Most doctors are very apologetic once they see the videotape.

Also, if mental health won't return your calls there are two options. One is to ask to speak to a supervisor/manager and if they won't put you through on the phone get online and find the email address and provide the details of how many times you've called, the reason for your call, and how long you've waited for return response.

It sounds like early intervention preschool would be helpful. Do you know the channels to get that process to get the ball rolling for referral?

If those ideas don't get you some quick action, let us know and we'll dig up some more for you.

Hang in there--it's almost always worse around the holidays. The kids respond to all the disruption in the only way they know how to vent their frustrations.

 

[Ltlredhen]

I recently was reminded of something that I knew and practiced in "everyday" life but never applied to any of difficult child problems: :hammer:

Start a paper trail. Write the psychiatrist a letter/e-mail, whatever you choose just make it in writing. Here's the important part...CC: everyone you can think of even if you feel they don't necessarilly have any reason to help with your problem. When others who received the letter see their name on something, you are more likely to get someone to respond, somewhere about something. Right now, seems like you are pretty desperate for any help you can get.

Don't know who that would be in your area but here it might be all of the docs that difficult child has seen, maybe the school, local mental health department, head of a neurological child hospital. Call it something like a letter writting campaigne to get the ball rolling. Sometimes we need to network to find options for help.

Good luck, I know how frustrated you are, been there done that and still am at times.

Donna

 

[totoro]

I had to do the video tape after 3 pediatricians... I journaled also, kept a brief log of all info regarding, my difficult child, It is a pain in the you know what, but they take you seriously when you can show them the video. Especially if you can get a clear, start, middle and end. I ended up with about 5 different instances of her emotions, cut them down and had an excellent video. It took some time but was worth it.

I would also highly reccommend the parent report... this is also time consuming. But all of our Doctor's have thanked us for this. We included in the end just a list of all of her behaviors that are of concern to us, I think there was over 60 something!!! We also always include copies of every diagnosis and report or evaluation for the doctor to keep. They like this because then they don't have to take the time to make the copies themselves.

At all of your meetings try to stay calm,clear, concise & try to not act like you know more than the doctor, but let them know you are willing to do ANYTHING for your child and are very concerned. After reading a few of the doctors reports it amazed me what they write about us!!! One said they thought I was just a Mom that needed to VENT!!! I had luckily already gotten rid of that one...

Sorry this is so frustrating....been there done that.

good luck, eventually someone will listen.

 

[tiredmommy]

How are you holding up? Any update?

 

[biracialkids]

Thanks for all the responses guys, it is nice to know I'm not the only one who has hit road blocks with getting a diagnosis. I did get a call back from mental health FINALLY, however the waitlist is incredibly long. In the meantime I am to take him back to my doctor again and get a referral to a child psycologist, I already tried this 3 times but I am trying again. I also have to get the public health nurse down to my home to do a developmental, social and emotional evaluation on him. Then I sit and wait.

I've finished the book (the explosive child) and I am using the basket technique with him, so far it is working pretty well. Now I just have to try to figure out how to get my 7 year old to understand his brother's difficulties and convince him NOT to upset him every second of the day.

 

[tiredmommy]

It sounds like you have a plan. It's a start. As difficult as this is, things seldom turn around quickly. You're going to need to pace yourself for the long haul ahead. As for your 7 year old, is he triggering difficult child on purpose or just being a typical big brother? There's a fine line between creating a functional environment for a difficult child and expecting too much out of a sibling. I don't have this particular problem because my difficult child is an only child, but some parents separate the kids as much as possible while others have found a little bribery can go a long way.

 

[biracialkids]

[ QUOTE ]
It sounds like you have a plan. It's a start. As difficult as this is, things seldom turn around quickly. You're going to need to pace yourself for the long haul ahead. As for your 7 year old, is he triggering difficult child on purpose or just being a typical big brother? There's a fine line between creating a functional environment for a difficult child and expecting too much out of a sibling. I don't have this particular problem because my difficult child is an only child, but some parents separate the kids as much as possible while others have found a little bribery can go a long way.

[/ QUOTE ]

He triggers him, but not on purpose, infact he's trying to help him which is the hard part but of course he doesn't understand that in the midst of a meltdown over a crumpled up picture telling him that he crumpled up the picture himself and to stop whining isn't help.

Then there is the good old double standard, I've put what my difficult child eats for dinner in basket C, I'm not willing to go through a meltdown over it so I will make him something different if he doesn't want what is on the menu. Anyway of course my 7 year old doesn't understand why he has to eat dinner and his brother can have a sandwich if he wants. So then he'll tell him that NO he has to eat dinner and the fight is on, by the time I get to them difficult child is already in meltdown and it is impossible to pull him back.

Sigh

 

[JJJ]

Hello,

It sounds like you doing what you can to survive until the docs get their act in gear and help. Having multiple children, I can sympathize with the "what do I tell my 7 year old?". My suggestions:
-explain that his brother has a problem with the electricity in his brain, that sometimes there is a lightening storm and it makes his brother lose control, and develop a plan for when a storm breaks out (maybe have some special "storm toys" in a box under your bed and he can go in your room, close the door and play quietly until it is over).
-As far as "privledges" your difficult child gets because it is a basket C issue, I would consider giving some of those same privledges to your other children (would it really be so bad if they both ate a sandwich??)

It does get better as you get more experienced at "warrior parenting" and the doctors add their piece of medication/therapy and the schools get on board with a proper IEP...