I Can't Do This Anymore!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by dirtmama, Apr 2, 2010.

  1. dirtmama

    dirtmama New Member

    I miss my sweet son! The one I used to know. I don't remember the last good day. Life is an absolute horror show, while he is at home in the morning and after school. I've heard ya'll mention "detach". What is that all about? I can't live like this...been saying that on and off for the last 5 yrs...but everyday for the last six months. Somethin's gotta give. I'm scared and depressed and emotionally all used up. How do you keep going? (i get a break from him all day)
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    First off hugs. I'll let someone else talk more about detachment-it's something I'm definitely working at.

    As for how do I keep going, some days it is very difficult. I try to enjoy the good moments-rarely does my difficult child have an entire good day but he does have good moments. Also be sure you are taking care of you. Get some exercise, read, or enjoy some other hobby. Also I see a therapist, what we deal with with our difficult children is difficult and sometimes that can help. In addition, I did finally start taking an AD.
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh hun...your baby is only 8 years old. I know how hard that is and it can look and feel like there is no getting through those awful times. You will. If nothing is working now, maybe you need to start from scratch with new doctors and new testing. See if some fresh eyes can help. What kind of help is he getting in school? Do you have any kind of help from anyone outside of school? See what you can access in the community.

    When we talk about detaching it is with the older kids. The ones we have been through the fires with and done all we can and are just at the ends of our ropes. Either they have accessed all the services we can find and are on their own attempting to make it or they simply are struggling and we have to detach to let them reach their bottom to hope they figure out how to swim.

    Right now it would be important for you to take care of yourself with time to pamper yourself if only for 15 minutes in the tub or a walk in the park...something for you.
  4. dirtmama

    dirtmama New Member

    we are next in line on waiting list to get into see a new doctor. neuropsychologist. it's getting to be more and more of an emergency. difficult child seems to have a grip at school unless the staff just writes his behaviors off to adhd?! i emailed his teacher this morning to ask if he has any manic behaviors at school. of course i didn't say manic, i just wrote a list of things, ya know. she probably thinks i'm nuts. i don't understand how it can be night and day---home and at school. i remember when he was in kindergarten and i would pick him up from school and he'd freak as soon as he got in the car. i'd say "did you save that melt down just for me?!" now it's only magnified 100x. i live in a very rural place. the mental health system here is almost non existent. difficult child has a "behavior" plan (mostly for his stealing habit) in his class and a minimal 504. no iep because he performs at or above grade level. difficult child has a pretty good therapist that he sees every 2 weeks. how can therapy even work if difficult child is in a manic state? this limbo is killing me. it's like nobody gets how serious this is, and my husband keeps working late...i think to avoid the chaos. i wish i could! Thanks for all the good thoughts. i just wish i wasn't so emotionally involved and just let his behaviors bounce off of me. but if he's not whining and screaming and slamming doors then he's nagging me for something that's out of the question. or laughing hysterically with- crazy eyes. everyday i can't wait to see him after school and think i'm going to use a new approach. failure after failure.uhck...
  5. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    Oh dear, you certainly have your hands full and I know how exhausting and emotionally draining it is; especially, when it is day in and day out. Most likely the school staff is not going to know if he's "manic" or not. Plus, it's really not their place to determine IF he is manic. Listing the behaviors can be helpful when you get in to see the neuropsychologist, so keep those lists. If I am not mistaken, you CAN get an IEP for behavioral issues, BUT please check with the ladies on the Special Education. forum; they are a WEALTH of information and are on their game.

    I was reading your signature, and I'm wondering, considering what you suspect, that the Concerta is making this worse? BiPolar (BP) or mood disorders are usually made worse by stimulants. I know that he is also taking abilify in combo with it, but when my Son took Concerta for hyperactivity (along with Risperdal and Abilify), woo wee!, he was over the top! I stopped that real fast-like. It's just a suggestion for you and his psychiatrist to consider.

    It is so hard to keep going. My spouse is gone most of the time working out of town, so I'm here by myself dealing with Son and all his issues. My job, which I love, is my sanctuary. Many days I dread coming home (probably a lot like your husband) because I just don't know what it is going to bring. Just a couple of weeks ago it brought the police with Son trying to have me arrested for confiscating his cell phone for awful, awful, behavior. Sometimes, I have to stay right in the moment when I am home with him. Right now, because it's spring break here, he's with husband working and I've had five GLORIOUS days of quiet and getting things done.

    Detaching is probably one of the most difficult concepts that us parents of difficult children have to grapple with; it's a process and sometimes we aren't so good at it. Especially, when someone is riding your behind with constant demands. For me, detaching mostly means not reacting to Son's antics. The other day, he wanted me to buy him an IPOD. Just out of the blue and one of his many monetary demands that he continually places on me. Of course, I wanted to scream: "NO! NO! For the millionth time, NO!". I simply told him that if he wants an IPOD, he has to save the money himself to purchase it. He did buy a Shuffle a few years ago, had it a few weeks, then left it in his pant's pocket and then washed it. Of course, it didn't work anymore. Anyway, he began having a meltdown with crying and telling me show selfish I am because I spend ALL my money on me. I mostly ignored him, which is hard when I have spend so much money over the years.

    You are using a detachment tool by posting your frustrations here. Keep it up because it helps.

  6. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    REad fast, may have missed something, but first of all...I am so sorry.
    Like someone said, if you suspect BiPolar (BP), then his medications might not be ideal. You might gently ask the doctor if the Concerta could be a problem. YOu could always get a second opinion about all of this.
    Also, it is imperative that you get yourself stronger. Can you see a therapist? There is nothing shameful about this. Many of us here have felt the need from time to time. Having a child with needs like this is very very draining. Good to see that your husband is a "great guy." Make sure you "protect" your relationship. Do what you can to get out of the house ALONE with him. HIring a very strong babysitter (or two) and get out for an hour or two at least twice a month. Just do it!
    What do you like to do to relax? If you have forgotten what that it is....stop now and think about it. Then find the time to DO IT!
    Double check that his school situation is the best that it can be....be extra good to teachers who seem to have your son's best interest at heart. It is not easy for them either.
    As a side note...although each child is DIFFERENT, Abilify was a very good medication for our child. YOu might want to do some research on this medication.
    REad up on your child DXs....The book called "The Bipolar Child," by Dr. Papolous is awesome!
    Try your best not to get overly emotional when things go wrong with your child. Try not to take things personally. This behavior is his doing...not yours. Try to separate. And as your child gets older, this will be even more important.

    Hang in there!
  7. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    If you feel that he is entering or is in a crisis state, you can look into a children psychiatric hospital. His therapist should be sharing this option with you so you can put it into play when needed. An inpatient treatment would be a crash course in getting him on the right medications and give him some tools to deal with his emotions. He can be taken to an ER during one of his meltdowns and evaluated for admission or you can call and talk to the admissions officer to ask for an assessment for their services. Some places have several different options of services from inpatient to partial day treatment to outpatient. Their assessment will determine if one of those are needed. The inpatient will stablize him - you will still have work ahead of you to keep him stable but it is a great start and if he will accept the tools he learns, he will most likely feel better about himself and hopefully want to continue on the path to wellness.

    I think increasing the therapy to once per week is in order also. We started with once per week and stayed there for over a year before going to every other week and once a month. If an issue came up, we would increase again just to deal with that episode. I really think that once a week would help. Go ahead and write down the troubling behaviors each day - keep track of the situations and times. I had a planner that I used as a daily journal - I wrote down what time I gave medications, when he got up, when he went to bed, what time the nasty behavior took place, any situation around the behavior (didn't like what mom said, angry that he didn't get to be first in line, ect.). I find that I sometimes get flustered when recalling something - I have a hard time remembering the details that I think are important so I would write in the journal every day what I thought was important (or even if I wasn't sure). Are you sharing with the therapist the hysterical laughter and crazy eyes?

    Detaching for your son would be to learn that his behavior is not a reflection of you in anyway. Don't let him make you feel that you are at fault in any way. When our children are on us constantly and wearing us down, we do feel like we want to throw up our hands and surrender. Often times we will start to doubt ourselves and look for blame in what we may have done. This is my child, what did I do to make this happen? But there is nothing we did. Our child is who he or she is. Everyone is human, everyone has their challenges. Our kids try to make theirs ours and we must not accept that they are totaly ours to solve. We can help guide them, but we can not take their problems away from them. The child needs to take ownership in who he or she is and be responsible for their own decisions. They also need to respect you as a person. We want to do ANYTHING that will give some indication of peace. And though we know there will not be a quick fix, it is too hard to face if there is no hope or plan on how to continue. If we don't have that hope, there are many days that we will succumb to the short term peace which can only make things worse such as giving into whatever our child wants just to have quiet for five minutes.

    Consider the advise of others here - they know far more than I do regarding the different medications, diagnosis, IEP, 504, ect.

    You may want to look in your local library for a book called "The Manipulative Child". Many times those kids who will just not back down until they get their way are practicing manipulation. That book will give you a technique to use to remain in control of the situation. What I really love about this book is that it is not judgemental. It acknowledges that this is a survival technique and just because it is used by the child does not make that child a bad kid. Most kids will try to use some form of manipulation and it is something that parents just seem to fall into allowing without recognizing it until it becomes a monster. This book may not be the total solution, but I do believe it will help give you strength to keep your emotions in your control. I do know exactly what you mean about being emotionally involved - I too get so very overly emotional when it come to my kids' emotions. We are tied to our kids - when they hurt, we feel it so deeply and kind of shut down on our own in a way. I wish I would have read this book when my daughter was much much younger.

    I know how it feels to miss your sweet son. I have a sweet daughter full of laughter that I miss dearly. I see glimpses of her once in awhile and do feel a great hope for her.
  8. helpme

    helpme New Member

    Andy, I wish you would have been around for my difficult child..
    Not much for me to say, I think everyone gave you fantastic advice.
    Stay strong you are gonna need it. Stay here, it will help tremendously.
    Take care and best of luck.
  9. sunxstone

    sunxstone New Member

    Dirtmama, I don't have any advice because I'm in the same boat with my difficult child. Just wanted to give you a hug and tell you you're not alone in this. I've found some amazing parents here and it helps to just decompress here for a bit when it's going really rough.
  10. dirtmama

    dirtmama New Member

    my post just went into the oblivion- darn it! i don't have the patience to rewrite it but THANK YOU ALL! No one gets it but you guys! i'll touch back later!