I defend my son I feel there is a reason for behavior

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by cronzo, Feb 3, 2014.

  1. cronzo

    cronzo New Member

    Hi, I am new here. I'm always googling to see if I can find out if my sons behavior runs deep inside from his childhood. This might be long.

    My son is 18, almost 19. He's gotten in trouble for a couple thefts. He's stolen from our home, cash and jewelry. He's been in IOP and treatment. He just gets involved with the wrong people. He smoked pot, drank cough medicine with DXM and I think he huffed.

    Mid December he was in jail for theft and possession, he was supposed to be working with detectives. And he didn't.

    My husband is not happy, he's the stepfather. He's wanted to kick my son out. Being out on the streets isn't going to help him. I know, tough love. My first husband died from a heroin over dose and my son's dad alcohol and drugs. My husband is a critical, negative, judgmental person. I could go on... I don't know how many times I've heard him say he doesn't care how others feel or what they've been through. He's verbally abusive.

    Sorry so long. When we married, he wanted to make a difference in my children's lives (I have 5). My kids all feel I was taken away, I see where they'd feel that.

    I don't know if this is what happened to my son. At the age of 5 his dad threatened suicide with a shot gun in his hands. I called authorities and took my son down the street. I didn't let his dad back.
    There is this little boy, dad's gone, why, doesn't he want me? Does he love me ? He was abandoned by his dad. He would wait in the front of our house all day waiting for him to visit and he would never show. He didn't get phone calls either. My son was extremely shy teachers were worried about him, never adjusted to change.

    1st or 2nd grade he was diagnosed with ADD. He just could not comprehend anything. I imagine he felt stupid, never asked for help homework never got turned in even if it was done. He never remembered to and it'd get lost. medications didn't seem to help. He didn't get past freshman year. He was in an IEP program and private school. I can see his depression, lack of confidence, self esteem and self worth. He is afraid to get his GED because he doesn't comprehend. To get a job, he doesn't have that knowledge. He doesn't know basic multiplication tables. I know these problems can lead to drug use.

    When you are belittled, told you're a sissy, that you f*** up everyday, etc how are you going to feel? No good, not worth trying anymore. That's where my son is at.

    I met my husband when my son was 8-9. I would go away on every other weekend. It was new to me as I was a single mother of 5 kids it was very hard. I know the kids were mad and felt abandoned. Until a few weeks ago my son never shared with me that he felt I was stolen from them. That's a long time of holding it in.
    The few times stepdad and stepson did something together my son lit up like a candle, then it was done. I'm the only one that encourages and supports him. Stepdad doesn't acknowledge him, my son rarely eats dinner with us and ends up eating alone after sitting in his room alone in the dark.

    I know my son has done a lot of wrong. He knows it too. I think he's given up on himself. It's not just addiction but it's a mental disorder too. It's like my husband it out to get him. My son gets yelled at for drinking juice, stepdad hides snacks and pop. He sets my son up to see if he will take change or a dollar. He doesn't care if it's pop, penny or snack, it's stealing.???

    My son doesn't feel wanted at all. So many times he's cried, wanted to talk but we don't talk we get yelled at.

    I also suffer from some disorders myself. Plus living with family addiction and 2 relationships like that, I'm familiar with that. I don't want my son to go the wrong way I know he can do it.

    Maybe I'm wrong, my husband always says I am because he is never wrong. I would just like to hear opinions. Thanks!
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    So...what are you going to do? Do you think you can fix your son? Did ALL of your kids react like him? Do you think it's okay that he breaks the law because of his genetics or some bad things happening to him?

    What do I think? I think you should stop helping your son, stop making excuses for his bad choices, and admit he is an adult who does what he WANTS to do and knows he has you in his back pocket to manipulative. But, hey, I'm on the outside looking in.

    One thing I do know. You can not control anyone...not your son, your husband, or anyone...other than one very important person...yourself. You don't have to sit and worry about what you did in the past and about what happened in your family...many kids have far worse to deal with and are thriving. The past is over. The future is what your son makes of it. If he is mentally ill only HE can make himself well. He has to take control of his illness, which may include a personality disorder. Not saying it does, but many of our difficult child's are a bit antisocial or narcicistic. Breaking the law, thinking rules don't apply to him, is a red flag that he is rebellious and surly and disrespectful of society. It doesn't matter why. If he keeps it up, he'll never do any better. He needs to know that YOU believe he can do better...and he won't if you make excuses for him.

    I suggest reading the excellent article on detachment here :) I'm sorry for your hurting mommy heart, but glad you found us.We all felt like you did at one time. I didn't even realize I could have a happy life if one of my kids's wasn't happy. I used to be extremely codependent. Actually, if your son refuses to straighten his act out, and I don't care whta happened in his youth, I would want to give him a timetable to pack his bags as well. Heck, I called the police on my daughter when she used drugs and I found out. I was hoping she'd get the message that it was not ok with me. I had to kick her out...she quit using any drugs, even cigarettes. I think tough love is the best medicine, plus my house was very peaceful after she left.

    We are best friends now. She thinks I did the right thing, but everyone is different. Your son has a genetic history of drug addiction. I would never ever enable that or add to that by giving him money or allowing myself to make him comfortable while he did the very thing that killed his father.

    Take the focus off of him and focus on yourself. If you are unhappy in your marriage, seek counseling or divorce the man. But I can't blame him for being down on your son. If he was your stepson and not your son, how would you feel about what he has done? Has he stolen from you? Sworn at you, attacked you, come close to hitting you, destroyed your property, intimidated anyone in the house? Is he disrespectful?

    You deserve to be treated like the loving, caring person that you are...and somebody can treat you that way right now...yourself :) Do get therapy and maybe join a twelve step group. You have been through a lot and deserve some friends and some help. And you need to learn how to take good care of yourself while not trying to fix everyone else. You can't. You can't even make a dent in anyone else. We can only control ourselves.
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2014
  3. cronzo

    cronzo New Member

    Thank you for your response. I know he needs to do it for himself, I have told him many times. I just get hopeful when I know better. He knows what he needs to do.

    My husband and I did go to counseling. He decided to stop because nothing was changing (me and my son). He didn't have to. We all need to.

    I also know there are people worse off than me. I am seeking help for myself too.

    Thank you
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    cronzo there is a lot going on here and I don't feel at all qualified to give you the help that you need but I'll tell you what I think according to my experience.You have been in two relationships with drug addicts and one is the biological father of your son. Addiction runs in families, it is not at all surprising that your son is now abusing drugs, he has the genetic predisposition plus the environmental factors that makes this such a huge risk.

    Should you be concerned how your current husband is treating your son....YES! Your son But your son is now an adult and he is getting into adult trouble. He is not going to get the help he needs living in your home. I am sorry I don't mean to sound judgmental, but this is a dysfunctional environment. Your son has so many hurts that have never been dealt with. In my opinion your son needs to be evaluated by a mental health/addiction counselor asap before his addiction and criminal behavior escalates any further. Is he agreeable to that?

    I'm going to go further and say that I don't think your son should be living in the environment he is. If you are going to stay with your husband I think you son needs to be out on his own. I realize that with his limited education this will be difficult. But if he continues on this road he may end up in jail. Your situation is complex but your son is in trouble and he needs help.

    I hope you don't think I'm too harsh but you have a lot of decisions to make.
  5. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    First, I am sorry for all you are going through. I am glad you are here---we teach each other and we help each other. Also, we take what we like and leave the rest. Only do what you are comfortable doing and want to do---that's a given.

    One fundamental thing I always remind myself of is this:

    Addiction is a primary diagnosis. That means it stands alone. There also may be mental illness in the person, thus that means there is a second primary diagnosis. But once addiction is confirmed, that has to be treated, along with the mental illness. Just saying, oh, he took drugs to self-medicate does not account for what is, today.

    That is something I had to learn and be reminded of.

    You have a lot of things going on. But, you can always start the process of change. Right now. Decide what you want for your life. That is the only life you can affect or have control over. Start working on your life and yourself.

    Your son is your precious son. But like others have said here and throughout this site, he is always responsible for his actions. No excuses. He doesn't get a pass because of...

    We are all responsible for our decisions and our actions---nobody else. If we don't like a situation, we need to start working for change, as we can. Baby steps and mistakes are okay.

    A few things that might help immediately: write a gratitude list every morning. Take five minutes and do this. Be specific. It will change your life.

    Keep coming back. Prayers for you and your precious son.
  6. Happy again

    Happy again New Member

    Great response! I'm interested in reading the article you mentioned, but didn't see the attachment. I'm new too, so it could be my mistake.