hearts and roses
Mind Reader
Anyone else have an H or W who always thinks they do more, contribute more, care more, etc?
It seems everytime there is a small household task to be done and I don't feel like doing it or can't do it, H gets defensive when I ask him for help.
His first response is [alsmost] ALWAYS: "What do you think I did all day? Do you think I get to sit at a desk and answer phones and send emails all day?" (which is his way of belittling what I do - which incidentally is not sitting at a desk all day and answering phones & most of my emails are work related!).
His second response is [almost] ALWAYS: "Why can't easy child/difficult child do that?"
I'm tired and I feel I have no time for me - I don't even have time to find out what I'd like to do in my 'spare time', which is a joke. I don't know how this happened...whether it was a control thing on my part where everything had to be 'just so' or done 'my way' or if it's just a matter of typical role playing on both our parts.
I work in an office all day. I get up usually about 6:30AM, clean the kitchen up after H has destroyed it, take the pups out quick before I leave, and get to work around 8:30. I am an office manager for 3 offices, as well as the HR person. I am also next in line for contact after the President of the company. There are days when my work is slow for sure, but most days I'm busy troubleshooting for something or answering questions about company policy, cleaning up messes and creating protocols - or working as an IT expert for others in the company (which I am no expert, believe me!). Usually at lunchtime I have either errands to run or I go home to take out the dogs or these days, pick up or drop off difficult child for an appointment or work since her car is out of commission. Then it's back to work till about 4:30-5PM, sometimes later. When I get home, I run around tidying up and getting the house in order before making dinner - before that I'm figuring out what to make based on what we have. I used to be very organized about this and planned things out weekly, but I am still having difficulty with this since easy child moved back home and with juggling our dwindling finances in relation to what I can buy for groceries. After dinner, someone usually helps clean up the kitchen, but it's mostly ME again wiping down counters, setting the dishwasher, etc. By the time dinner is over and the kitchen is cleaned up, it's nearly 7:30-8PM and it's time to take the dogs out for their evening stroll. I do that too. Afterwards, I organize my stuff for the following morning, maybe have a chit chat with H or the girls or go on line for a few minutes and by about 9:30-10PM I can hop into the shower, put on my jammies and it's time for bed. I am so starved for alone time, I sometimes read until I pass out. RARELY do I ever not have this schedule. And if something happens or another crisis hits I am completely sidetracked and things get left undone which creates double the workload for the following day.
What is H doing while I am running around after work? He showers immediately after work and then goes and either checks his emails or flips on tv till dinner is ready. He sits down for dinner and most often after I sit down to eat, he will ask for something to drink. Some nights I just look at him like he's crazy and so he gets up and get us both something to drink. If I don't make dinner and tell him he has to make dinner, he will order out. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I am not financially able to do the same. Our money is separate, so if I'm not cooking and he's not willing to get takeout, he just won't eat and then will complain about how I didn't make dinner. Urgh.
H's day begins at 5:30 AM - he gets up and makes the coffee and takes the dogs for a walk. He makes himself toast and reads the paper, makes his lunch and then leaves around 6:45 AM. This explains the messy kitchen I wake up to every morning - the man can't figure out that he should wipe a counter clean after using it and covering it with burnt english muffins crumbs I guess. He goes to work - he is a building contractor/carpenter and most days it's very physically challenging and hard labor. I understand this so I don't usually ask him to put in any physically challenging work in the evenings, but he could help with dinner at the very least. When he gets home around 6PM (he often works over an hour away), he comes in, greets me and the dogs, has a snack and takes his shower. Then he relaxes until dinner is ready, eats, leaves the kitchen (sometimes he will help put his dish in the sink - woopee!) and goes to watch tv or read until he falls asleep at around 9:-9:30PM. He finally ambles into bed around 11PM after snoozing on the couch all evening. Of course, this explains why the couch is always a smushed mess too.
I am so sick and tired of hearing about how he does so much. His ONLY household chore is to take out the garbage which is only twice a week. I do all the other cleaning on Saturdays and mid-week. If I can swing it, I come home a little early from work mid-week and buzz through the house with the vacuum and get it done before he gets home. I like a clean house - doesn't need to be spotless, but at least neatened up daily. I sweep the kitchen floor every night. He will maybe clean the tub once a month. Granted he is building us the addition upstairs, which I think is part of the reason why I haven't griped so much about doing all the other chores, but he's never really done any of the other chores - so what's up with me?? If I have to travel for work, I will ask him to please just vacuum the house and clean the bathroom before I come back - or even have the girls do it - and he won't. He doesn't refuse, he gives me his standard response: "What do you think I do all day?? What do you do, think about cleaning all the tiem??" The man should live in a sand floored hut, he'd be thrilled.
And I do have the girls help me. difficult child will do any chore I ask her to do. It may take her all day, but she will do it. And easy child has been helping also - she will make dinner once a week and she helps in the kitchen. She's not so great about following her puppy around and picking up after her (she loves to shred tissues!). She will also do just about any chore I ask her to do.
I don't have a problem with their level of help.
What I have a problem with is H - I feel that he believes his job is so much more important than mine and that he doesn't need to do anything at all when he gets home. His job ends at 5, mine goes on and on till I finally drop into bed. And he doesn't understand why I'm so freakin tired all the time. Just being outside of the house makes it difficult for me to juggle both jobs!
Whew. Thanks for the vent. Anyone else ever have this type of 'I do more, no I do more' business at thier house?
It seems everytime there is a small household task to be done and I don't feel like doing it or can't do it, H gets defensive when I ask him for help.
His first response is [alsmost] ALWAYS: "What do you think I did all day? Do you think I get to sit at a desk and answer phones and send emails all day?" (which is his way of belittling what I do - which incidentally is not sitting at a desk all day and answering phones & most of my emails are work related!).
His second response is [almost] ALWAYS: "Why can't easy child/difficult child do that?"
I'm tired and I feel I have no time for me - I don't even have time to find out what I'd like to do in my 'spare time', which is a joke. I don't know how this happened...whether it was a control thing on my part where everything had to be 'just so' or done 'my way' or if it's just a matter of typical role playing on both our parts.
I work in an office all day. I get up usually about 6:30AM, clean the kitchen up after H has destroyed it, take the pups out quick before I leave, and get to work around 8:30. I am an office manager for 3 offices, as well as the HR person. I am also next in line for contact after the President of the company. There are days when my work is slow for sure, but most days I'm busy troubleshooting for something or answering questions about company policy, cleaning up messes and creating protocols - or working as an IT expert for others in the company (which I am no expert, believe me!). Usually at lunchtime I have either errands to run or I go home to take out the dogs or these days, pick up or drop off difficult child for an appointment or work since her car is out of commission. Then it's back to work till about 4:30-5PM, sometimes later. When I get home, I run around tidying up and getting the house in order before making dinner - before that I'm figuring out what to make based on what we have. I used to be very organized about this and planned things out weekly, but I am still having difficulty with this since easy child moved back home and with juggling our dwindling finances in relation to what I can buy for groceries. After dinner, someone usually helps clean up the kitchen, but it's mostly ME again wiping down counters, setting the dishwasher, etc. By the time dinner is over and the kitchen is cleaned up, it's nearly 7:30-8PM and it's time to take the dogs out for their evening stroll. I do that too. Afterwards, I organize my stuff for the following morning, maybe have a chit chat with H or the girls or go on line for a few minutes and by about 9:30-10PM I can hop into the shower, put on my jammies and it's time for bed. I am so starved for alone time, I sometimes read until I pass out. RARELY do I ever not have this schedule. And if something happens or another crisis hits I am completely sidetracked and things get left undone which creates double the workload for the following day.
What is H doing while I am running around after work? He showers immediately after work and then goes and either checks his emails or flips on tv till dinner is ready. He sits down for dinner and most often after I sit down to eat, he will ask for something to drink. Some nights I just look at him like he's crazy and so he gets up and get us both something to drink. If I don't make dinner and tell him he has to make dinner, he will order out. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I am not financially able to do the same. Our money is separate, so if I'm not cooking and he's not willing to get takeout, he just won't eat and then will complain about how I didn't make dinner. Urgh.
H's day begins at 5:30 AM - he gets up and makes the coffee and takes the dogs for a walk. He makes himself toast and reads the paper, makes his lunch and then leaves around 6:45 AM. This explains the messy kitchen I wake up to every morning - the man can't figure out that he should wipe a counter clean after using it and covering it with burnt english muffins crumbs I guess. He goes to work - he is a building contractor/carpenter and most days it's very physically challenging and hard labor. I understand this so I don't usually ask him to put in any physically challenging work in the evenings, but he could help with dinner at the very least. When he gets home around 6PM (he often works over an hour away), he comes in, greets me and the dogs, has a snack and takes his shower. Then he relaxes until dinner is ready, eats, leaves the kitchen (sometimes he will help put his dish in the sink - woopee!) and goes to watch tv or read until he falls asleep at around 9:-9:30PM. He finally ambles into bed around 11PM after snoozing on the couch all evening. Of course, this explains why the couch is always a smushed mess too.
I am so sick and tired of hearing about how he does so much. His ONLY household chore is to take out the garbage which is only twice a week. I do all the other cleaning on Saturdays and mid-week. If I can swing it, I come home a little early from work mid-week and buzz through the house with the vacuum and get it done before he gets home. I like a clean house - doesn't need to be spotless, but at least neatened up daily. I sweep the kitchen floor every night. He will maybe clean the tub once a month. Granted he is building us the addition upstairs, which I think is part of the reason why I haven't griped so much about doing all the other chores, but he's never really done any of the other chores - so what's up with me?? If I have to travel for work, I will ask him to please just vacuum the house and clean the bathroom before I come back - or even have the girls do it - and he won't. He doesn't refuse, he gives me his standard response: "What do you think I do all day?? What do you do, think about cleaning all the tiem??" The man should live in a sand floored hut, he'd be thrilled.
And I do have the girls help me. difficult child will do any chore I ask her to do. It may take her all day, but she will do it. And easy child has been helping also - she will make dinner once a week and she helps in the kitchen. She's not so great about following her puppy around and picking up after her (she loves to shred tissues!). She will also do just about any chore I ask her to do.
I don't have a problem with their level of help.
What I have a problem with is H - I feel that he believes his job is so much more important than mine and that he doesn't need to do anything at all when he gets home. His job ends at 5, mine goes on and on till I finally drop into bed. And he doesn't understand why I'm so freakin tired all the time. Just being outside of the house makes it difficult for me to juggle both jobs!
Whew. Thanks for the vent. Anyone else ever have this type of 'I do more, no I do more' business at thier house?
