I give up....

[rebelson]

Sometimes, what we do overrides what we say. So, while you actually believe that the key to "success" doesn't come from a degree, they may have gotten a different message from all the work you put in to get there.

But school is brutal. Beyond brutal. One of mine is a drop-out, and the other was next-thing-to but does intend to finish. So much of the school environment works against differently-wired kids.

Omg, such truth to this, IC!

My difficult child has wanted to be a physical therapist. He loves working out at the gym, being fit, and is interested in the body and anatomy.
On the other hand, he doesn't mind internally trashing his healthy, muscular body with drugs, alcohol.

He's got a Florida college prepaid, 4yrs worth of it(a bachelor's), sitting in an account, waiting for him. I paid for this when he was young.
Perhaps, IC, that is a huge pressure on him.

Another pressure could be that my family (not his bio father's) is quite educated. I'm an RN. Most of my siblings, whom he looks up to, have college degrees, most of his cousins have college degrees. I think "HE" puts the 'college' pressure on himself, as well. Shoot, I haven't brought up college or his prepaid, in many years! I think just knowing that the elephant in the room, is his ADDICTION. How could I put college in the mix, with THAT elephant sitting there? College schmollege.

He barely graduated HS. He pretty much finished his last year doing online 12th grade. & like Copa, I had to help put the fire under his bottom to git r done(diploma).

In his clearer moments since HS, he's attempted a few college courses, but no go. Withdrew from a couple, failed one, and passed one or 2. The drugs and partying were calling him louder.

He still, on occasion, brings up being a physical therapist.
I don't know how much of a dream this career is to him. But to the topic, I could care less if he takes one more college course. At this point, I wish for sobriety, independence and some kind of peace for his soul.

If that means he works at Walmart...then so be it.

As for what others children are accomplishing? I've never been one to keep up with the Joneses, via my children's paths. Or, in any other way. That's just me. What a sad way to go through life.

My husband and I believe that college can be overrated, anyways. He says he'd totally support our children to have a trade vs. ingraining in them that they must attend college.

The one thing that does make me sad, is when I hear others (or read on FB) saying how great their children are doing. I am not jealous, per se'...but I am SAD. Sad that MY son is not choosing a 'different' path. He might 'feel' contented when he's high or drunk, but he is not contented.

So, yeah.
I wish for sobriety, independence and some kind of peace for his soul. A college degree? Meh....

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

Well, I never graduated high school. And never had anybody really pushing me towards college. I really wish I had had that, though. School always came easy to me, and I would have had no real issues continuing an education. I just didn't have a home, or food.

Your children are so very lucky. Even though they don't realize it themselves. You're all excellent parents, and the situations they find themselves in aren't of your making. It is their own. But that doesn't mean it is permanent. They still have the opportunity to turn it all around. The fact that you're all here shows that none of you have given up on them. Or trying to help them. I wish they realized how lucky they all are for that.

 

[in a daze]

We sent our difficult child to college, because: 1. His therapist suggested sending him away would help him grow up and the separation from the family would be good for him psychologically 2. We could see some potential as he is very intellectual and an excellent writer 3. We had saved up the money and we really didn't know what the hell else to do with him!

He managed until the end of junior year, when he flamed out, not because he was failing, but because of drinking, stimulant abuse, and depression. We got a call from the resident advisor one Sunday to come pick him up.

So he had four classes to finish and then he would have his BA in psychology. Let me tell you, I was OBSESSED with him finishing his degree. I registered him for one class a semester at a local state university, and hired a math tutor for the last two, which were college algebra and statistics. I thought that once he had that magic diploma, he would get a job and all his problems would vanish.


Well, no.

Mental illness and addiction always win.

He did get his BA, but works at a grocery store in the produce department part time. He has held this job for over two years.. After the last three years, past seven hospital and two rehab stays, he's finally starting to stabilize. But he will always have issues..

The most practical degrees are those that prepare you for a particular profession. For example, I have a bachelor's degree in nursing, and my husband's is in accounting, with a MS in taxation. Neither of us have ever been out of work.

I love and appreciate the liberal arts, but unless you're going to get a master's degree or go into law or medicine, you might be waiting tables or working in a grocery store like my kid .

Two year programs in a career track for say, radiology tech , auto mechanic, or respiratory therapy... much cheaper and very practical.

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

Well, I got my good ol' Good Enough Degree from Rosewood Community College in northern California. Which, quite sadly, makes me the most educated member of my immediate family. Meaning my real parents, and my siblings. Aunt and uncle I am with right now are both RN's, with continued education required by their jobs.

 

[ColleenB]

The one thing that does make me sad, is when I hear others (or read on FB) saying how great their children are doing. I am not jealous, per se'...but I am SAD. Sad that MY son is not choosing a 'different' path.

EXACTLY! It's not that I compare my kid so much as I'm so terribly sad for him because he is so sad.

 

[ColleenB]

Well, I got my good ol' Good Enough Degree from Rosewood Community College in northern California. Which, quite sadly, makes me the most educated member of my immediate family.

I think that is wonderful considering your life experiences. I can tell from your posts that you are a thoughtful, insightful person. I don't think you are giving yourself enough credit. Believe me, I've taught high school English... You are above average kiddo!

I am sure your path will include helping others, you seem to have a heart for it.

Your story gives me hope my oldest son will find his way. He carries much shame around the past few years, and the hurt he has caused us. I want for him to feel good about himself, and am trying to model it myself, forgiving myself as well. I know my own struggles with depression have impacted him, but I can't own his behaviours or choices. I am learning slowly!

 

[RN0441]

I agree with so many posts on this forum that my head is spinning.

I too would like my son to get a degree because my husband and I do not have one yet we have worked hard and have been rewarded well for our hard work. We are lucky. We are happy people and not because we have good jobs.

I would like my son to have inner peace first and foremost!! I don't care what kind of job or career he has. I just want him to feel truly happy and I know he isn't and that hurts me the most. I just want him to be happy. I also know a college degree doesn't mean that he'll be truly happy either. I think it's just where parents of kids like ours think we should lead them I guess. We don't know what else to do.....

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

I think that is wonderful considering your life experiences. I can tell from your posts that you are a thoughtful, insightful person. I don't think you are giving yourself enough credit. Believe me, I've taught high school English... You are above average kiddo!

I am sure your path will include helping others, you seem to have a heart for it.

Your story gives me hope my oldest son will find his way. He carries much shame around the past few years, and the hurt he has caused us. I want for him to feel good about himself, and am trying to model it myself, forgiving myself as well. I know my own struggles with depression have impacted him, but I can't own his behaviours or choices. I am learning slowly!

You are very kind. But I really shouldn't be making excuses. I do now have everything I need to progress. I cannot blame my situation on anybody or anything anymore. And I am grateful for that fact.

 

[RN0441]

Darkwing have you thought about getting into addiction counseling for families and their addicts??? If you don't you have missed your calling. It comes so naturally for you.

I tried to give my son's house manager $50 as a gift for doing such a great job with him. He took the money and said he'd use it for my son if he needed anything and that he doesn't need any extra; he loves his job. He then later sent me this text; maybe you will agree:

Him being here is enough. I've learned that you can only keep what you have by giving it away. He helps me more than he knows. The only thing I ever ask from anyone is to share what they've learned to the next person struggling. It's the only way this works.

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

Darkwing have you thought about getting into addiction counseling for families and their addicts??? If you don't you have missed your calling. It comes so naturally for you.

I tried to give my son's house manager $50 as a gift for doing such a great job with him. He took the money and said he'd use it for my son if he needed anything and that he doesn't need any extra; he loves his job. He then later sent me this text; maybe you will agree:

Him being here is enough. I've learned that you can only keep what you have by giving it away. He helps me more than he knows. The only thing I ever ask from anyone is to share what they've learned to the next person struggling. It's the only way this works.

This was a txt from your son, or the house manager? Either way, I would agree entirely. Some more baggage that comes with addiction is the inability to truly appreciate things. To us in active use, THINGS are merely another way to continue using. We sell EVERYTHING. Things we would never have parted with before addiction. Things we truly value, both sentimentally, and financially. Selling every gift that is given to us. It is never really intentional, to piss away the gifts of our loved ones, but it is what happens. We learn to truly appreciate things with enough clean time. We regret everything we lost, and the pain it caused the ones who put their heart and money into the gifts. It sounds like your son is truly grateful, and doesn't intend to spit it right back in your face. It's the little steps like this that are most important. You don't move forward by standing still, and I am very glad that you are seeing truly positive changes in him. You can expect many more like this, assuming he continues his recovery, and learns true humility. A lot of addicts can't differentiate between the concepts of humility, and humiliating. Or giving up pride. It is pride that leads to shame, humility is the only real cure for pride.

 

[RN0441]

Darkwing that text was from my son's house manager. I WISH my son had his head on that firmly!! His house manager is 26 and clean 3 years. My son is 20 and clean 2 months...so....